How do I recover my sanity?

[padparadscha]

I am in a bad place right now. Eight months ago I found out that the man I dated for 6 years was secretly leading two lives and was living with another woman for 2 of those years. He pretended he lived with his parents and would always meet me at their home. I was crushed when I learned of what he was doing. He was angry and crushed because he wanted us both. In the end I left. I changed my phone number and ceased contact. Then, he would constantly leave me notes under my door and try so hard to convince me to be his friend/lover/ whatever. After all these months 1 week ago, he finally got the hint and left me alone. I never really had a chance to fully grieve because whenever I got strength, he was coming back around trying to strike a deal with me. Now it is very much final and I am feeling dead to the world. I am more pain than ever before. I want to bargain with the devil to make me whole again, because this grief feels so unbearable. I feel as though my life has been ripped out from under me. I tried for so long to be strong. I was in pain and I hurt and I cried, but nothing feels like it does now. As though hope is gone for me as a person. I feel as if I can not find one good thing about myself. Alone with nobody, for my bestfriend is also gone and has been for a while. My home was damaged, I have been living in a hotel for 6 months alone. I was in a car accident and injured and I feel as if I cant find any strength within me. What I do I do to feel okay about who I am and being so alone? I thought I was ready to start dating, but I am not. I am no where near healed.

[Ronni_W]

If I may point out where I see a LOT of strength of character in your post:

Most importantly, you took a stand for yourself and got out of that man's horrible clutches; you changed your number; you went no contact. Then you withstood his onslaught of trying to manipulate you with his harassing notes. Then you coped with having to live in a hotel for 6 months, and you did so on your own. Then you survived a car accident injury...at least sufficiently to be typing here today.

 

And you have the self-awareness, insight and wisdom to recognize that you are not ready to start dating -- it is also courageous to follow through on that, and not date.

 

To me, these are remarkable achievements individually, and even more so collectively. Especially given all that you've had to endure. And you DID and ARE enduring it, suffering and in pain but still with grace -- there isn't any bitterness coming through in your post. And that also demonstrates HUGE strength, IMO.

 

I'm sorry for all your experiences. Sending Angels of Comfort and (more) Strength.

[stillafool]

Oh hon, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. That sounds horrible what he did to you. I've been in your position, dating someone who was dating someone else and still wanting us both. I was the one to "step off" also and I think you did the right thing. You would be hurt more if you accepted things the way he wanted them. I would suggest you get counseling if you can as that will help a great deal. And, you can always come here to talk it out as that can help also.

[hopefulInFuture]

I know you are hurt and I am so sorry. This is awful. Sometimes I dwell on how people who care about us can do so much hurt... But I admire you so much for your strength... You deserve so much better and I know that deep down your heart you know that you did the right thing...

[padparadscha]

Thank you all for your words. I am sorry for such a sad post. It is just sometimes, I am expected to be strong. I think I have fooled myself by picking my head up and smiling and laughing and joking, that I almost started to believe I was strong. I am not strong, but I have no choice but to pick my head up and act if I am made of steel. The truth is I am masking the fact that too much is going on in my life and I haven’t found a way to feel good about myself. I know I am blessed and have much to be thankful for. I know I am a very wealthy and well rounded person, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. Nobody wants to hear that your hurting and nobody wishes to see someone in pain, especially when they assume you have it all and there are so many who have so much less. So you have to pretend. Tears are useless because they give only a temporary relief and again you cant cry in private because people will know you have cried and they will think you an idiot for not being stronger. Again, I am sorry for my post, sometimes it is not easy and I know I have to make it easy, but there are times when it feels like too much.Thanks again

[Ronni_W]

Nobody wants to hear that your hurting ... I am sorry for my post,

To my mind, that's why God made LS -- so we can come here when we are hurting and needing to express it, and we don't have to be afraid of being judged for feeling sad and vulnerable, and where there are people who care and to whom we need not apologize for how we are feeling.

Sending warmest hugs.

[padparadscha]

Ronnie I , I hate to confuse you, but I was wrong. THere was a note at the front desk for me this morning when I went down for breakfast, that said: to room 419. Basically it says he wants to be my friend and make the pain go away. He said he was going away for the day and will come to visit me tomorrow. what do I do? Now that it is final, and he has accepted I dont want to be with him he wants to be my friend and make the pain go away. He cant make the pain go away because he is the cause. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO HER AS WELL? HE IS STILL WITH TWO WOMEN EVEN IF WE ARE NOT TOGETHER, FOR SHE CANT KNOW HE KEEPS TRYING TO GET ME BACK. He prefers to be with her, so why does he come constantly seeking me out and trying to keep me in his life? The WOrst part is I dont hate him. I love him regardless. Not enough to stay with him, but not enough to see him as the enemy. So, it is better when he is not around and not near me, because when I see him, instead of hate, I feel like I am shot because I know he is living with someone. When I see him I am a basketcase full of tears rather than insults. Full of love rather than animosity. I wont take him back, but it doesn't mean I dont wish to grab him and make love to him. I just scream and ask him to leave me alone, but the screams dont sound like I hate him. SO changing my phone number and stopping the emails and letters in the mail and all that was only good for trying to make a change, but not to prove that I despise him. Thats why he comes, he clings to hope. But if I had my wish none of this would have ever happend. I let go, but I am alone and sad. Yet I am stronger when he is not near. How do I tell him to go and not make it a problem? He wont go, because he knows I am sad and dont hate him. He knows I wont accept his lifestlye, but he wants my friendship. I cant offer him this. I would think after all these months he would let me go. He chose her, so why is he bothering me? He wants to live with her. Ronnie, I dont like the solitude, but I dont want this. How do I stop it?

[Ronni_W]

padparadscha,

I know what you mean about just wanting to rip his clothes off and ravish him, and I know how frustrating that can feel. It would be so much better if you could just feel the urge to bang a frying pan over his head, right?

But the good part is that so far you have had the strength to resist him and to refrain from "getting carried away"...in either of the two actions .

 

They always say that we aren't given any more than we can handle, but sometimes one just has to wonder about the accuracy of that!

 

Of course he does not deserve your friendship. Friends don't treat each other like this. Do not give him an ounce of hope about that. Tell him that he is insane to even think that it is might happen.

 

It sounds as if, when he comes around, you open the door to him(?) I would suggest to not do that (if that is what you've been doing.) In fact, I would strongly suggest to tell him, through the closed door, that if he does not leave immediately, you will call the police, and also if he continues to harass you then you will file a police complaint and/or get a restraining order. Basically, let him know that you will do WHATEVER it will take to ensure your mental and emotional well-being.

 

(Of course, you must be prepared to do what you say you will -- do not just let it be hope-filled, idle threats. Those are useless, as I'm sure you're aware.)

 

Screaming and crying haven't worked to let him understand that you are serious about not wanting him in his life. So there, you are again being called upon to be strong...or at least to act strong, and just not do it in front of him again. (Likely after he leaves you will do it, but that's fine. At least you didn't give HIM the satisfaction of seeing that he reduced you to that.) You ARE stronger than that.

 

Personally, I think that the more you just scream and cry, the longer he will come around. Because by engaging in the same behaviour you are just leaving all the same dynamics in place, which he just responds to by coming back around.

So, I would set about changing those dynamics. Do something, anything, different than you have done in the past. Even if you aren't yet prepared to seek the assistance of the police, do and say different things. Hopefully something new will get it into his mind that you are NOT interested in having him in your life in any way, shape or form. (((hugs)))

[Ronni_W]

THere was a note at the front desk for me this morning when I went down for breakfast, that said: to room 419.

Have you asked the hotel for assistance?

You need only say that you have an ex who seems intent on harassing you, and you will feel safer if, in future, they do not accept his letters and just escort him off the property.

 

Do what you need to do, padparadscha. Do not take into account how HE is going to feel about the actions that you must take to properly care for and defend your psyche. HIS feelings and experiences are not your consideration or problem. Look after your Self.

 

CORRECTION to earlier post: Screaming and crying haven't worked to let him understand that you are serious about not wanting him in his your life.

[jmargel]

Padparadscha,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, I was once in your shoes. I can tell you from experience it does get better, however he needs to stop contact with you. Let the hotel know that you no longer wish to see/hear from this person. Get a PFA if you need to.

 

Now, you also have to stop putting your own self-worth into this guy. What he did was WRONG, he lied, he deceived, he was selfish and immature. He did not do this because of you, he did not do this to hurt you. He did this for the reasons I just listed.

 

Have you looked into counseling for yourself? No need to have to go through this alone. Also, you mentioned living in a hotel for 6 months? Do you have family that you can goto?

[padparadscha]

Yes, I have my parents, but even at 35, my parents still look at me as if anything I do is a shocking disgust to them. I love them dearly, but my moms response to this situation would be, "Good for you. When you lie with dogs you get up with fleas. I don't feel sorry for you. He should treat you like ****, because you went with the bottom of the barrel because you have no respect for yourself. You should just kick yourself in the ass and grow up. What are you crying for you knew he would do this because you allowed it to happen." My fathers response would be, "I dont want hear it. Your looking for trouble hanging out with these men who dont have any money. What did I educate you for? If you were going to date a bum like that you should have just worked at Mc Donalds"

 

Trust me, my parents are no joke! My brother who is a Federal air marshall and who married a federal air marshall, thought he was finally exempt from such loving and kind words. He quickly found my parents saying things like, "The boy is desperate, he married a patient. She married a patient, they are the perfect couple. I guess in order to be an air marshall you have to have something mentally wrong with you. Who eles would sit on a plane all day?"

Yeah that's my folks. They truly have a very blissful marriage and they have the worlds greatest luck and yet, they have such loving words for others. So loving, I rather not tell my parents that despite my ex being a jerk, I dont hate him. I love him and it hurts too much to be his friend. That would be like pouring salt on a wound!

[padparadscha]

padparadscha,

I know what you mean about just wanting to rip his clothes off and ravish him, and I know how frustrating that can feel. It would be so much better if you could just feel the urge to bang a frying pan over his head, right?

 

Well that is the problem. I see him and I dont hate him. I want to kiss and hug him and that is what he wants, he has tried. Once he succeeded and I did not stop him. However I felt like what goes around comes around and now I know what he's doing, I am doing it to this woman as well. I could not live with that. Instead I moved hotels the next day and it took him 3 weeks before he finally found me. I have not a clue how he found me, but oneday a message was left on my hotel phone. SO, I thought to myself if he went through so much to find me, maybe he loves me. So we talked and he played me with tales of how misguided he was. He pretended he was going to leave her and come to me. He kept canceling plans to meet me and talk to me. I realized he was stalling. So I told him dont contact me again, and took the hotel phone off the hook for 2 months. But that did not work, because every 2 weeks he would knock on my doors with tears and yes, I would open the door and yell at him and cry and tell him to let me get over him and stop contacting me. Not a month goes by that it turns to hate only bitter dissappointment, but I am trying to move on and not need him. Now he is insisting he no longer wants to get me back, he only wants to be my friend and help me heal. I dont want that either. So your right, I want to hit him over the head with a frying pan, but I would probably nurse the wound and send him on his way. I dont have it in me to really be nasty. I just dont have it in me to hurt him the way he has hurt me.

[pelicanpreacher]

There is no better way to keep a rutting mutt at bay then to put some great big dogs in your yard. I know that you aren't ready for any long term commitments but you would do well right now to befriend other men for the spectre of physical pain by others not vested in assuring his best interests will make him think thrice before he sticks his big stupid mug out twice to plead for another bite of your life.

[padparadscha]

Ouch! I felt that:laugh: I was just commenting on your words on the other site, "

The wages of sin are pain and death. Though GOD hates the sin but not the sinner, you must realize that when you or a party to a vow made to GOD breaks the his covenant by sin consider the consequences of what occurred in the story of Adam and Eve when they broke their covenant to GOD. Your wife has sinned against your marriage by commiting adultery so GOD is repulsed and no longer blesses your union for it is has been corrupted and is now likened to moldy bread, rancid meat, and sour wine. (Care to invite GOD to dinner?)" I love your writing. I am so impressed:love:

__________________

[pelicanpreacher]

Get a few beers in me and I'm on a roll!

[jmargel]

Sounds like your parents do want the best for you, however they don't communicate it well. I'm sure they often talk from emotion, which hurts the other person. Though I don't think there intention is to hurt you.

 

I'm not saying to tell them you still love this man, I'm saying to perhaps talk to them about maybe going back home so your not stuck in some dingy hotel for 6 months. That's no way to live. Do you work, can't you get an apartment? I think perhaps you need to get some priorities straighten out here.

 

You also can't base you happiness on your relationship status. That's too much for anyone to handle. You need to be happy within' yourself for YOU, something that your not. Set short-term goals and start moving forward in your life. Yes, the past will always be there, but if you dwell on it as much as you have, it's hindering in living your life. You need to learn from these experiences and force yourself to push forward. It's ok to feel hurt over your situation but don't be the victim.

 

It takes two people to tango, so even though this other man won't stop pursuing you, you can stop answering to him. The longer you drag it out, the longer it will hurt. You have so much to give this world so why let one person stop you from doing it? It's time to get your confidence back.

 

Definition of insantity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Read that a few times.

[padparadscha]

Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Last night, I looked at an old post I had back in December of 2004. I realize something. I think I have been living in a sort of fantasy that things were different than they were and I feel a lot better. You see back then I posted something about this man. I noticed three things I have made a huge error with. Three things I honestly believed but were not remotely true:

 

1. We have not been dating for nearly six years. So when he told me for 2 years he has been decieving me, I was incorrect in thinking we were together so long. We had only been together since January 2005 according to my old post. To be honest, something about that made me feel 100% better. As if we were not together that long and its okay to let him go and think of him as a horrible person now.

 

2. I was incorrect in believing we had a wonderful relationship. According to my post in 2004 he lied to me about who he was and was controlling and manipulative. He gave me hell in the beginning of our relationship and I wanted out. I begged him to end things, but he did not want to end things and I was willing to try. Somehow all this slipped my mind. I remember it now, but yet, I really had forgotten.

 

3. He used me for money and I allowed it. According to that post, now that I think back, our relationship was about to end and I was asking for help on how to end it without hurting him.

 

I cant understand how I omitted that information from my memory, but looking back at the old post, I feel as if I always knew who he was, and posters warned me that he was up to no good, yet he charmed me into believing otherwise. I now realize that your right jmargel. You are right, a relationship is how I define myself. When I am alone I feel as if I am pathetic. A part of me felt a no good man was better than no man and I tried to make it work. I found a way to believe in someone who never earned that trust. I found a way to try and make it work in a situation that was never right to begin with. I am at fault because I define myself not by who I am with, but by being attached rather than single.

 

If Love shack did not keep that old post, I would have forgotten forever the hell he put me through and how miserable I was with his lies way back when we first met and I had no backbone.

[imagine]

My sister owns a padaparadscha.

 

It is absolutely beautiful. She bought it for its unique colouring and lustre.

The broach was costly and will become an heirloom that is to be handed down to the eldest daughter.

 

You are also unique. Like the padaparadscha you should be held in honour. I am so sorry that you were tainted by a Philistine.

 

Not many people knows the worth of the stones and are often sold under their true value. Find someone who values you enough not to share with anybody else.

[padparadscha]

My sister owns a padaparadscha.

 

It is absolutely beautiful. She bought it for its unique colouring and lustre.

Very interesting! Your sister must be quite special to have an eye for such a rare gem. You are so right, you are one of the first people I have spoken with who has known what it is. I saw one on a woman for the first time when I was in Disney world. I was ten years old. It is a moment somehow that I never forgot. The woman fascinated me. She was very heavy set, but she wore the most alluring clothing and she looked stunning, even with all her weight. Her finger had that on it and I asked her what it was. She told me. She then told me, "Never marry for love, marry for money and then love will follow. Then when you love, love with all your heart." Somehow I never forgot those words or how she looked. I dont know why, but as young as I was, it stayed in my memory and I have always thought about her whenever a man asked for my hand in marriage. I always thought that if I ever get married I don't want a diamond I want a Padaparadscha. I don't own one. I own many jewels, but that one I want to be my wedding ring.

[imagine]

That was a lovely story.

 

But I must contend her wisdom. The Bible says "Do not be unequally yoked...". I heartily concur. Simply put, it means don't walk with someone you can't keep up with... nor someone that anchors you down.

 

Always look for "a man with a plan". That is, someone who is looking to build a future with you. Sadly, your last man plan was to use you to balm his ego.

 

I will not steer you wrong if you look up Dr Harley's book "The One".

 

I wish you love...

[padparadscha]

Always look for "a man with a plan"

 

 

Okay, so new topic. Out with the old... It is funny you said

I say that is funny, because I just wrote my first novel, which very shortly will be on the market. One of the characters is Ego. Which originally I used his picture for the characture. My character was actually made up of his personality traits. I since had his characture redone to be altered so it no longer looks like him. My point is that it is so funny you wrote that, because that is who he was in my novel.

 

The new topic is: How do I do what Pelican Preachure suggested and meet someone? I tried "It's Just Lunch" dating service. But it was a true waste of $1,000, because the company is not serious and neither are the men. I tried online dating, but the men normally dont have higher education that is matched to mine. It is difficult to find someone like that. It also seems like online dating is very ...I dont know. I dont drink so the bar scene is out. I already have my masters plus 75 above, so going back to school is out. How do you meet a single man? Especially if you prefer to date outside your race? Do you have the answer?

[imagine]

Okay, so new topic. Out with the old... It is funny you said I say that is funny, because I just wrote my first novel, which very shortly will be on the market.

 

You are a better woman than I. My novel is still a framework. Meanwhile, I just keep adding to my poetry book.

 

 

The new topic is: How do I do what Pelican Preachure suggested and meet someone? I tried "It's Just Lunch" dating service. But it was a true waste of $1,000, because the company is not serious and neither are the men. I tried online dating, but the men normally dont have higher education that is matched to mine. It is difficult to find someone like that. It also seems like online dating is very ...I dont know. I dont drink so the bar scene is out. I already have my masters plus 75 above, so going back to school is out. How do you meet a single man? Especially if you prefer to date outside your race? Do you have the answer?

 

It's time for a new thread. And a different forum. So it will be unlikely that you will find me there...

 

Here goes anyway... Guys are pressured not to lose face. Hence asking a girl out and being rejected is a blow to self esteem. Your qualifications are potentially daunting to a beau. The conclusion here is that you invite the guy and you don't HAVE to lay out your pedigree unless it is absolutely necessary.

 

For example, I have friends that include two professors, a commodore, a medical doctor and a member of parliament. All of these introduce themselves socially by first name only.

But then, this is Cape Town and we are all pretty laid back.

 

Next, join a club, gym, church (I am biased to say... Christian) and just meet people. I don't believe in internet dating and quite frankly even using the word "date" is pressurizing to both parties.

 

Funny thing about cross racial dating. The black guys want white girls for status and the black ladies want the white guys because they tend to be more stable. Least ways, generally speaking, it is so in this town.

 

Why would race be an issue for you?

[padparadscha]

Why would race be an issue for you?

 

Because I am mixed (German, Italian, Cherokee, black and more Cherokee), but look more black than "other", black men are easily attracted to me. However, I have never really been interested in the things most black men are. My interest lie more in white water rafting, sky diving, horse back, exotic trips to foreign lands etc. I am not a wild child, but I love extreme sports and adventure travel. Travel is in my blood. The last guy I dated that this thread was about tricked me. He told me he was a traveler. He told me of all the places he had been. He made plans for us to go to Mexico and after a few months into the relationship I learned he lied so that I would go out with him and he knew it was the only way to get me. However, he was not into square dancing, tango, or any of the dance classes he told me he would join with me and he did not have a passport nor could he own one because of his child support. Which he never mentioned having children by other women until about 6 months into our relationship. By the time I learned all this I was so in forgiveness mode, that I let it roll off my shoulders. I had my girlfriend to travel with. She and I did all that I was supposed to do with him. She wound up being my dance, travel and action adventure partner. He was my romantic partner. It worked for me until she began hitting on me. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. She was very aggressive with her pursuit. She wanted a threesome very badly. Finally I had enough of her putting me in positions that were uncomfortable and forcing me to always say, "No." So I got rid of her. When I ended the toxic friendship with her, my desire to do things still was present and I tried to do things with him. He began saving money and pretending that we were going away and ...thats when things began to get rough. Finally I began to wonder, is it me or...then I learned there was another. So no more black men. I had enough, I will take any culture but, because he is the second one who hurt me. The first one was my rapist. A man who was jealous I was dating a white man and wanted to show me what it was to have black... It took alot for me to ever even look at another black man after being raped. Now that I have and got burnt I am ready to move on to other races.

[imagine]

Bear with me because I am male and we tend to try "fix it" rather than just listen.

 

I have posted on your private line and hope that these suggestions may prove useful to your sitch.

[padparadscha]

thank you!