Quinch Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I was talking to a friend and the subject came up of what happens when one partner wants children and the other doesn't. I have another friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend partly because he doesn't want kids and she desperately does. Is it a deal breaker in a relationship? Would you continue to love someone who took the opposite view on children to you? If you don't, does that mean you love children more than you love your partner? Is that a bad thing? What happens if you agree not to have children, get married and then one of you changes their mind? Is it still traditional for the woman to be more pro-kids than the man? Your views and experiences welcome
Joyvke Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Personally, being a female I'm supposed to have these feelings of wanting kids. I really don't want them. Purely for selfish reasons AND because there's a lot of inherited crap in our family regarding health. If my partner desperately would want kids, I suppose we could adopt. Rather not. If he wants kids of his own, well tough luck. I know I'm only 24, but I'm deffo not going to change my mind/ opinion about it. The ones who tell me I will, I'll see you in 20 years, still being childless . I know I will love that person regarding child wish or not. I think it's pretty bad how some people are obsessed with wanting kids, but that's me I guess.
me4u2 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I would think that would be a pretty big deal breaker. AT some point down the road the desire would become so strong to the person that really wanted children. Then you have couples like us. My husband and I realllly wanted children. But after 13 years of trying and miscarriages, I personally couldn't think about that anymore. I had given up on the idea what we would have children. Then poof, a pregnancy that stuck. Now we have 2 children. I will tell you though knowing that my husband wanted children so bad and I was unable to bring a pregnancy to term made me at one point want to let him go. I couldn't imagine taking that event away from him.
stillafool Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I've never wanted kids and glad I don't have any. I think alot of women are feeling that way these days but are afraid to express it because of the way society views women not wanting babies. I don't feel I was selfish in my choice. Are you the one who wants children and your SO other doesn't or is it the other way around.
blind_otter Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Is it a deal breaker in a relationship? Oh, most definitely. This is part of a person's fundamental outlook on life, and procreating (for some) is part of their life's goal. To ask someone to forgo something they consider to be an essential part of life for the sake of the relationship will ultimately end in tears, for both parties involved. What if the goal was, say, getting a Ph.D.? The person who did not get a Ph.D. because their partner did not want them to would forever feel like they were unfulfilled, and they would blame that lack of fulfillment on their romantic partner.... Would you continue to love someone who took the opposite view on children to you? Sure, I would love them. But I would hope that I would love them enough to set them free to find someone who had a comparable outlook on life, rather than shackling them to me in a selfish way, insisting that they align themselves with my point of view. If you don't, does that mean you love children more than you love your partner? I don't know that one can love "children" in an abstract sort of way, as if they are some kind of object like chinese food or modern art. One can enjoy the idea of them, but the love only comes when the reality of being a parent comes. This is my personal experience, anyways. I didn't even really like being around little ones all that much, until I had my own son - now I adore most everything he does. What happens if you agree not to have children, get married and then one of you changes their mind? Then you are in a whole heap of trouble. There are posts on LS, as I recall, where married couples that had agreed to be childless are now at odds because one or the other changed their minds. A couple that I was once great friends with split up recently, partly due to their differing views on procreation. Initially H and W did not want children. As she approached 30, W changed her mind and wanted to have a baby. Initially, H grudgingly went along with her wishes, but when push came to shove, he left the relationship, before they had a chance to try for a baby. The (now ex)W is now happily dating a man who does want children.
a4a Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I am doing the child free happy dance and will continue to do so. My H knew I didn't want kids and agreed to no kids than changed his mind post M. He got over it. But he won't get neutered.
Gwyneth Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 This happened to a friend of mine. Here's her story: She married her husband knowing he didn't want children, but she foolishly told him that if he gives her just one child, she would do Anything for him. Well, he took that Literally. They had a baby girl, and the father / husband did absolutely NOTHING for this child when she grew up. He didn't attend anything for her--soccer games, recitals, chorus concerts, etc. Now my friend and her husband are going through a nasty-bitter divorce, and the daugther has decided that she wants to live with her father, and has done nothing but treat my friend--her mother--like dirt. Her father has her so brainwashed that her mother is such a Horrible person, and that She is the reason he was never around when she was a child growing up. My friend is Devestated. Her and her daugther traveled all over the world together and were Always close. All of the sudden this man wants to play role of Daddy and the child is a teenager now. Be careful...is all I have got to say.
mrose2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Yes for me a guy not wanting children was a deal breaker..I knew I wanted a child just not early in life..So now 8yrs into my marriage I am pregnant with my first (and only)..dont want anymore..just wanted one...We did get suprised bc we thought we were going to wait one more year but what a wonderful suprise..here i am 32 and he will be 37..
Recommended Posts