Trixi Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Please can someone give me some independent advice... my situation is absolutely doing my head in with guilt. Me and my partener have always had wuite a turbulant relationship, we fight alot but overall i think we were happy. I finally felt like I had found someone who just accepted me for me. I moved my life from London up to Scotland rto be with him and made a whole new life for myself. We had our ups and downs but things got really bad in January this year. I became preganant and so sadly lost the baby. This pretty much ripped us apart. I sank into a deep depression and started going out constantly and drinking heavily. Subsequently, we spilt up. I moved out and continued burying my misery in a haze or drink. I lost my job and was living with one of my girlfriends, determined to pretend that I was fine. I wasnt fine. I was falling apart and deeply unhappy. It was during this time ofe being seperated that I did something really stupid. I slept with two of my boyfriends good friends. I was totally intoxicated on both occasions and it only happened once with each. I slowly started to realise that I couldnt continue on self destruct for much longer. I sorted out somewhere to live and have got a new job wihich I love. Me and my partner have been working things out since and Im so glad to say that we are happier than weve ever been. But i feel so guilty for what happened in that time. I think about it every day. I cant bear the thought of the person I was at that time. it makes me feel sick as I know I am not like that. I would never deliberately hurt my partner who I love so dearly but I feel suffocated with the guilt. I know it would destroy my partner completely if he were to find out. He was badly hurt about loosing the baby and I feel like Iv let him down in the worst possible way. I really want to move on with our lives. What should do? Please help
Ronni_W Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Hi Trixi. I am sorry for your loss. In trying to cope with the loss of your baby, you obviously made some unwise decisions. You say that you let your boyfriend down, but it also sounds as if you feel that you let yourself down, too. Which, in one way I suppose you did. But. In another way, you were trying to stop feeling the pain of your loss. You tried to ease the suffering that your psyche was going through, albeit in not too effective ways. You have already corrected the problematic behaviours, and that is an excellent thing. You can rightly be proud of having the courage and strength to have done that. There isn't a way out of it but to be kind to yourself; to try to offer your own self some understanding and empathy for what you were going through at the time, and for how meager and irrational were your coping skills back then. You didn't know any better...or you would have done better. That is always the case. It is perfectly okay to give yourself permission to show some self-mercy. And, once you can be kind and understanding about your situation, it will become easier to forgive yourself and be able to move forward. You do hold the key to your own freedom. At some point, it becomes a choice about whether or not you are willing to forgive yourself for your past actions that you don't so much appreciate today. From a logical point of view, perhaps it will help to assess how your current self-criticism and negative self-image are going to support you being the person and the partner that you want to be. If you determine that it is non-supportive and non-productive, perhaps that will inspire you to that compassion that will be needed in order for self-forgiveness to happen. God bless.
Davey McG Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Tell him. You owe him that much. That way he can make an informed decision about the relationship and you won't have it hanging over you, always wondering when it will come out - and trust me, it will come out one day. I think its better to say something now than 5 years down the road as he will feel that the past 5 years was a lie. It may devastate him and he may not want to be with you. He might understand, though, as losing a baby is very painful for all involved.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Yep, I'm with Davey on this. You have to tell him. You're setting up a false reconciliation otherwise, and you will always be fearful of when this particular bomb is going to go off. You say these guys are your BF's friends? No, they're not, and he needs to be aware of that.
lkjh Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I hope you do tell him because it will kill him when he finds out from someone else and he will. These guys most likely told someone else and it will get to your bf. Don't think for a second that these guys are not going to brag a little(we always do). If he finds out form someone other than you he will feel 10X worse. He will think people were laughing at him and you were making him into fool. Tell him but first let him know everything you were going through. He may break up with you but people do pay for their actions. These guys are not his friends and he has the right to know that.
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