xxconstantstaticxx Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I apologize in advance for the length of this. Its a very confusing situation... So when i was 18 and out of high school i met a girl that was 16. We hit it off and soon began dating, 5 years later here we are. Im no 23 and she is 21 As long as 2 years ago, I noticed quite a drop in her libido. It didn't bother me too much because I figured it was just a phase. I had discussed this with her and she gave me an explination of stress due to college. I understood and figured it would pass in a month or two when school was over. Come summer time, she gives me the same excuse for never wanted to get intimate. At this time I think its definatly got to be a problem with my performance or my appearance. So i have a real one on one discussion with her about it, and she assures me up and down that its not me, its that she has been dealing with a bit of a body image issue. She states she doesn't want to get naked in front of me due to a few extra pounds recently. Again i reassure her that 15 lbs heaver or lighter doesn't make a difference to me and that I love her no matter what. She understands and things get better for about a month or two. In and effort to make a long story short, it pretty much goes on like this off and on with a new explination all the way until jan of 2008. Now in january i had a bit of a scare medically which put me into severe depression. I almost lost my job and my personallity was at its worst. I was very irritable and to say the least hard to be around. I considered suicide and ran from dr to dr looking for an explination for my symptoms. this lasted for almost 5 months until finally I had a Doctor suggest seeing a psycologist. During this time period, sex was practiaclly non existant. Not only was i not concered with it, but she was never concerned with it either, which I can understand. I eventually started seeing a shrink and started medication which within 3 weeks I felt pretty decent. I made several attempts to pick up where we left off and to get back to feeling normal and doing normal things. Still she was never intrested in sex, citing the same explinations. The last straw was in Sept on our family camping trip... the whole time she was very unhappy being up there. No matter what, she was being catered to constantly and still had nothing to do but complain about bugs and the weather etc. Getting home from the camping trip i made a decision that I need to do something about this because she is not only making me feel unwanted, but makes me upset with her attitude. **a little side info about personalities. Shes a very submissive person, and grew up an only child. Her mom does absolutely everything for her and has had no real responsibilites in life. She only works a very part time job and goes to school almost full time. Shes dedicated to animals and generally is a very sweet person. Although when she is around me she appears to be bored and unintrested. But when she gets around her friends the personality in her comes out. I've also discussed this with her and she states its either a reaction to my attiude or she is just stressed out. She isn't come cold bitch or anything because shes sweet with words, but could care less about sharing affection in any other manner. I get told daily in text how much she loves me and calls me constantly so shes really clingy in that fashion** So finally I explained to her that I cant take it anymore. She makes me feel very unwanted and I cant stand it anymore. I've tried everything I possibly can to stay in love with this girl, but she makes no attempt to address my concerns. She stated that the REAL reason why is that shes been very depressed herself and needs some help. I asked her why she didn't seek help sooner, she stated she figured she could fix it herself. So i said ok. I said we need to take a break but I'd be happy to stand by her, but I need a break to figure stuff out. I requested that she see a counselor and we'll see about working things out. A month later I texted her and asked how therapy was going. She stated she hadn't seen one yet. This was very concerning to me because again she wasn't taking any action to resolve whats been bothering me. I had had it, I told her Im done with it. She makes no attempt and I need out. We had a big knock down drag out fight a few nights later which included returning all my stuff from her over the past 5 years explaining that I need her out of my life if im ever going to move on. She broke down again stating she cant believe I'm leaving her at her worst time. She stated she stood by me at my worst and now I wont be by her. She stated she needs me and cant live without me. At the least she requested I stand by her to get her over this. I explained that I love her, I just cant be treated like this anymore.... 2 years is enough rejection. She understood but feels like I am turning my back on her when she stood by me during my tough time. We decided that I would stay in contact, but she really needed to see a therapist. During this time, we were going to break up and take a serious break and do the friend thing while she finishes the last semester of school and gets some help. So... here I am now. I'm just so damn confused on what to do because now a wrench has been thrown into the works. I explained during our last conversation together face to face that I'll stand by her, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to date. I dont know how much time she'll need so I commited to being there for her as a friend but if I get the chance to date I will take that opportunity and unfortunatly im not going to feel bad about it. She understood, she wasn't happy with it ,but understood. So here is the wrench. I was fine with just taking a break and waiting for her to get back on her feet but i've recently started hanging out with an old friend from high school. We got coffee one night and immediately hit it off. We talked for hours and had a terrific time. We ended the night with a friendly hug and said maybe again sometime. It must be noted that I explained the whole situation with the girlfriend to this girl... so im not a cheater by any means. Well a few days later I get a few more text messages from her and we stay in close conversation. I asked if she wanted to hang out again just over coffee at the local coffee shop. We talked a little bit longer that night and called it a night. The next night I got a text message asking me "is it a little to forward to say I cant wait to see you again?". I responded with no and explained I also had a terrific time and would like to get to know her. She ended up joining me on halloween and i took her home. After taking her home we ended up kissing, but the odd thing was it felt normal. Since, we have seen eachother a few other times and have shared a few more kisses. My guilt now is.... I've been in an unhealthy relationship for 5 years with someone I dont feel understands what a relationship is about. And I dont blame her, she is only 21 and im her first real boyfriend. I met her when she was 16 and never really had a chance to date anyone else. I gave it time to work out and it hasn't so after taking a break I'm actually enjoying being single. But I feel guilty as if liking this girl is wrong for me to do. I feel like I am turning my back on my best friend of 5 years and it kills me. I love her, I just dont feel like she loves me back in the same way nor understands what that type of love is. I feel shes got a bit of growing up to do. I feel the best thing right now is to try and make a break, but I know if my exgirlfriend finds out im dating new girls it will kill her. she'll be devastated and i dont want to do that to her...... I think thats the gist of it. If you actually read this, then you are amazing. I appreciate any advice or suggestions. -constant static-
BikerBeagle Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Your guilt is coming from a strong 'savior' complex for your girlfriend ...and that's not healthy (because she can ultimately use it against you ...as she's tried to do already). You have to wrap your mind around the fact that you can't 'save' her, can't 'rescue' her. The only person who can 'fix' her ...is her. She's admitted she needs help, but has thus far refused to get it on her own ...that's her problem, not yours. I would, however, hesitate in getting involved with someone else until you come to terms with what has happened with your exGF. Nobody wants to be the rebound.
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