plum36 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You may want to read my previous posts for the background to this but the position now is, my husband and I have been living separate lives under the same roof for 3 weeks now at my request, I had a brief fling with my first love and fell back in love with him, he called it quits through guilt he said but we have continued to txt each other briefly, and strictly platonic. However in the meantime my husband is trying to get around all the reasons why I left and is taking all of the blame for his controlling behavour, I am now feeling extremely guilty that I was pushed slightly knowing that I was capable of cheating and that I cant get this other man out of my head. So yesterday I was so angry that my marriage is upside down and my husband is complete wreck and in despair that he cant do anything to save our marriage that I emailed the other man that I had to tell my husband about the affair so we could both move on. And how unfair it was that he just walked back in my life after breaking my heart the first time to do it again and then walk back to his own life after wreaking havok in mine! Yes I am aware it takes two people too. He knows if I told my husband there is little doubt I would have to tell him who it was and he would go around and tell his girlfriend. The only reason I havnt confessed so far is that I dont want to ruin any chance we may have of reconciliating in the future, that reconciliating with my first love, not my husband. I am now frantic that I will have lost him again after losing him for 18 years, even as a friend. How angry is he likely to be and am I right in confessing to my husband and letting him share the burden of the reason for our marriage breakdown.
TooConfused2 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 The only reason I havnt confessed so far is that I dont want to ruin any chance we may have of reconciliating in the future, that reconciliating with my first love, not my husband. I am now frantic that I will have lost him again after losing him for 18 years, even as a friend. Ummm, I don't understand this and have it in my own circumstance as well. If you're working to save your marriage, why are you concerned about reconciling with someone else?
Author plum36 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 No I dont want to reconcile my own marriage, my husband does understand how Ive come to a decision that I wont change not matter what. I do want get my life sorted out and am suppose hoping that one day there may be a chance that my first love will want to try again, however I realise that this may not happen and am ready to live without him if thats whats meant to be but I feel I need to tell my husband that it is not all his doing.
taylor Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 If you don't want to reconcile your marriage, tell your husband you had an affair and then file for divorce. This way he will know why you are divorcing him and it will make it easier for him to divorce you. One of two things will happen once the OM's girlfriend learns of the affair: 1. She will dump the OM and if he really wants to be with you, he will be. If he really doesn't want to be with you once he is a free man, he won't. 2. The OM will beg her to forgive him. She will forgive him and they will stay together. What the OM does will depend on who he really wants to be with, not so much on anything you do.
marriedandsad Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 From what I gather from the OP is that she doesn't want her husband to shoulder all the blame (as he shouldn't), but she also doesn't want her husband to run to her OM's girlfriend and tell her and then ruin any chance she was with her OM after the divorce is final. OP, you need to stop and look at the situation. Yes he was your first love. He hurt you once, and now's hurt you and two other innocent people in the process, your husband and his girlfriend, and he seems to only have remorse for his own guilt, not for what's done to the others. I would say you can do better. He cheated on his girlfriend, what's to say he won't do that to you too, or what's to keep him from thinking the same about you.
Meaplus3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Honestly, If you want to try and repair your marriage fully then confessing this a to your H is the best thing to do IMO. If not, then keep it to yourself but do file for a divorce and let your H move on and find his own happiness. AP:)
frannie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Hm. Will your husband be any less unhappy if he realises that you've been cheating on him than he is now? I don't see what the purpose of telling him about the affair is. It will just be another kind of hurt for him (than thinking it's all about his 'controlling behaviour'), surely? If you're going to divorce, then why hand him more hurt? I can't say how your OM will react to all this. It sounds like you're very distressed, and so I would hope he would understand that you're not making very good decisions at the moment. If he can't be understanding of that, and kind to you, then he's not worth the bother anyway, JMHO.
Owl Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I'd suggest this... Since you have no desire to reconcile with your husband, then you need to move forward VERY AGGRESSIVELY with filing for a divorce. It may not be what your husband WANTS...but its what he'll NEED if he's to recover from all of this on a personal level. The longer you prolong this situation as an affair and you're still living with your H...the worse you're making it for him. And, for yourself as well. So go file for divorce...ASAP!!! Get moved out...ASAP. If you're deadset on divorce anyway, don't bother telling your husband...but don't be surprised when he figures it out on his own either. Have a plan for how you'll tell him the truth when the time arrives. But...since you want out of the marriage...do it RIGHT NOW...don't delay or drag it out.
taylor Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You don't HAVE to tell your husband, but I suggested you do because these things have a way of coming out. It will hurt your husband twice as much to learn this news from someone else, knowing that you kept it from him. It will also make him angry to think you led him to believe his controlling behavior caused your marriage to fail, rather than your feelings for another man. I think it will hurt to tell your husband of the affair, but it will hurt him more if he finds out down the road. And when he does, it will feel like a double betrayal.
frannie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You don't HAVE to tell your husband, but I suggested you do because these things have a way of coming out. It will hurt your husband twice as much to learn this news from someone else, knowing that you kept it from him. It will also make him angry to think you led him to believe his controlling behavior caused your marriage to fail, rather than your feelings for another man. I think it will hurt to tell your husband of the affair, but it will hurt him more if he finds out down the road. And when he does, it will feel like a double betrayal. Ah, good point that I hadn't taken into consideration. If there is a chance of this coming out anyway then it would be far better to tell him yourself and take the rap for the ending of the marriage.
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