ghawthorne Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I have been married for almost 14 years and have had problems with my husband from almost day one. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been since before I met him. In the beginning I would catch him lying about things and money was disappearing and I thought it was for gambling because he loved to go to the casino but now I think it has to do with sex. A few years into our marriage, I got a job. I didn't work for awhile because we started having kids and one of them was really sick. I had thought about leaving him because he had a terrible temper but I always stood my ground and wouldn't let him push me around. But we needed the money and I thought it would be good for me to get out of the house. Well, he started posting personal ads online and I caught him. I was so depressed. He threatened to leave town so he wouldn't pay child support. And he thinks that since nothing happened with those women I shouldn't be mad about it. And I have tried to move past it but it is almost like he is acting like he doesn't want to be married. He has been so critical and made such mean remarks that I finally told him that if he cannot say anything nice don't say anything at all. So he doesn't. Since then we have had ups and downs and sometimes I think almost daily about getting a divorce. We had tried counseling but he never participated in it much. I used to go for myself until my counselor moved. I feel so unhappy because I ask for help around the house and he ignores me. He gets mad if our kids don't mow the lawn or do the things he used to do. I feel really overwhelmed and tired. And I was recently diagnosed with anemia and need to get an ultrasound to see why I am having such heavy periods. So I haven't been "in the mood" and when he talks about sex it is about "f***ing" and that really turns me off. Now I found out that he has answered several ads from Craigslist -- asking for their rates for a particular "service"!! That same night he sent me a message saying that he loves me. WTF -- I am stunned and depressed all over again. I am thinking about getting tested for STDs.
Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 he is abusive as hell. Chem dep goes hand in hand with personality disorders, recovered or not. I would not blame you for getting the heck out. Better for the kids in the long run.
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 he is abusive as hell. Chem dep goes hand in hand with personality disorders, recovered or not. I would not blame you for getting the heck out. Better for the kids in the long run. I agree with Reggie wholeheartedly on this one. You need to really think about going. He sounds disordered to me too.
Geishawhelk Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Ok, that's three people telling you to make a move in the opposite direction. He can't withold Child Support. Even if he leaves town, he'll be traceable.... Don't let him intimidate you like this. It's just the rantings of a highly damaged individual, and you need to take care of yourself and the children. This is also teaching them, by the way, that situations like this are ok and acceptable. Ask yourself then, if you want to perpetuate the pattern.
OWoman Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You can't fix him, but he can break you - and your kids. If you can't do it for you, do it for them. Leave. You are getting nothing good (or even neutral) from him that an order of court would not give you, with him at a distance. Don't let him drag all of you down.
DealingWDrama Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Run for the flipping hills. YES get a full line of STD tests done...he will HAVE to pay child support, so don't worry about that. Think of your kids...they mimic us and learn from our actions, not from our words. If you want your children to believe this is love and how you are supposed to treat your spouse, stay...and allow your husband to continue abusing you...if you want to make a better life for yourself and your kids...kick him to the curb.
Author ghawthorne Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 I finally confronted him today. There just wasn't a good time when the kids weren't around and I really didn't want them to hear this. I told him how angry and disappointed I was. He didn't deny any of it except to say that he didn't do anything -- he didn't go through with paying for sex. I told him how was I suppose to know that? When being part of a marriage is not even going outside of it to find sex? Even asking for it? He broke that trust the moment he started searching the personals. And the fact that I have not been feeling well and he decided to go and do that really pisses me off. I did a history check on the laptop and found that someone has been visiting a lot of personals on Craigslist and porn sites. Wonder who? I asked him what if our daughter was married to someone who did that? How would he feel? He said that he wouldn't like it and then I pushed it and said do I deserve any less. He didn't say anything. I told him that I don't go out and solicit or flirt with people or ask them how much it would cost to look but not touch. I asked what if our sons did that to the woman they loved? How would he feel about that? i told him that it was a fine way to repay someone who is supposed the best thing that has ever happened to them. That is what he told me a couple of months ago. He didn't say much of anything. I told him how it made me sick to my stomach knowing that I should be tested for STDs and that we would never ever be intimate again. I actually feel the best I have felt in days now that I have confronted him. And I don't have a plan but I am going to make one. First, I think I am going to ditch one friend of mine who was so understanding at first and then told me that she tries to not judge. I really don't get that. I really feel so much better. Thanks so much for all of your support!
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