Thoughts from the broadcast: online love

[moimeme]

Tony - interesting remarks you made about online LDRs. I did once fall into the trap of getting hooked on someone fast via the 'net. It was very interesting in that I had a very strong sense of him after a while even despite not meeting. We got to a point where I'd think a question and he'd email an answer. The most astonishing event to me was me bolting upright in bed at 4 AM and getting a strong feeling he wanted me online - sure enough, there he was online asking me to join him. And I'm not one to get up at 4 AM for anything. There was a bond online and on the phone that wasn't the same when we met.

 

I may be restating something that's already been said but, I reflected upon it all afterward to try to sort out what transpired and came up with a few thoughts which I'll toss out for consideration.

 

I found that my internet situation was similar to something that happened to me in one of my first jobs. I was a receptionist and one fellow would call me every now and then - and we'd chat for hours about everything under the sun. Yes, I was still doing my job - he spent a lot of time on 'hold' . When he came to the office, though, he was very distant. We weren't having a fling or anything - just really good conversation but in 3D it was very different. Back on the phone he was his old self.

 

Intimacy is very important in fostering feelings of affection and in bonding; the anonymity of the Internet - and even of telephones - allows people to be much more self-revelatory than they might be in real life. In fact, in some ways I think that 3D can be threatening to people. When you are right in front of someone, you have no choice but to see their reaction to what you say and do and sometimes even an eyebrow flicker can appear to be disapproving. We censor ourselves in 3D.

 

In opening oneself up via the Web, one can be freed in terms of being able to say whatever one wishes, but at the same time there isn't the same vulnerability that there is when you're face-to-face with someone. That can be intoxicating.

 

I know that it's been fun for me to reveal some of my raunchy self and find people who not only approve but enjoy me being that way. I don't even let most of my friends know that side of me exists because I know their comfort levels with things sexual. My group is not full of 'Sex in the City' types.

 

Not only that, but the 'listener' is able to edit his or her responses - rather than a disapproving expression which he may initially have but which might change on later reflection, the 'listener' can react after thought has kicked in and allowed him to moderate his reply. He can also choose to say nothing and, because there's no expression to see, that isn't necessarily understood to be disapproval. Because of these factors, each person may feel much more accepted in an online relationship than they might in a face-to-face interaction. Stripped of all the visual clues and the background interpretation, etc. that occupies the brain during face-to-face interaction, the relationship can proceed to intimacy and bonding quite quickly.

 

Of course, as you mentioned, there are some fakes on the web, but I think there are fewer than people believe. We do hear the bad stories, but that's true of everything, not just internet dating.

 

Sometimes, I really do prefer online interaction for the above reasons; but one definitely has to guard oneself against being drawn into the intoxication of online intimacy. You absolutely do need to meet a person if you really plan to spend a life together, but I think people can have very fulfilling online friendships precisely because they don't know one another in 3D and can feel safe online where they may be fearful in 3D.

[Tony T]

I agree with everything you said above and you have enlightened me on some aspects of LDR's that I hadn't considered before. But at the end of the day, I will always feel that if you're a healthy, normal individual in-person, face to face, hand to hand relationships will always be far more fulfilling that those online. I do admit that the Internet has been a godsend to shut-ins, shy people, and those otherwise lonely and unable to make personal contact.

 

I am printing out your post above to study. It sure gives me additional insights that I had not previously considered, especially the safe feeling people get from not seeing the direct responses of others to feel rejection. But that can work the opposite way as well. Words may indicate rejection or aggravation when they aren't meant to. Oh, well. Thanks so much for taking the time to post this. It's very informative.

[moimeme]

I'll be interested to hear your thoughts when you've pondered on it for a bit. I do agree that face-to-face is tops but I have certainly enjoyed some non 3D interlocution very much. I really do think some people - for instance on this board - would not be as honest about their true thoughts and feelings if we were all having some of these discussions in a room together. And I do enjoy an honest exchange of ideas.