Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 seems to fade, which is nice. When my XW took off to be with the OM,I was pretty pissed. I was left to get the house ready for the market, deal with unpaid bills incurred while she spent our finances on her affair, and I got to listen to our daughters tell me how the OM was showing them the engagement ring he bought and how he was practicing his proposal speech on them. I still think that is nuts to expose the kids to this within weeks of moving out. It felt like she had all the fun while I was paying for her food, car, clothes, housing during the affair. Felt very unjust. But, after a while, it just did not matter. I was out and awayfrom the craziness. My kids still loved me. I did not lose my relationships with my in-laws or her brothers and uncles. It helped to see her realtionship fall apart as the guy got to see the real her. She lost a lot, the respect of her parents and, to some extent , the kids. Guess that's petty but, I did get some satisfaction from it. Things do get better. Man , what an education in human nature, I'm changed but its for the better. I don't think I could have done the hard work of reconciliation. I guess tha's common. Life after divorce is not bad.
Trialbyfire Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Life after divorce is not bad.I don't know how long it's been for you since D-day Reggie, but it just gets better and better!
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I don't think I could have done the hard work of reconciliation. Reggie, no one could have worked on a reconciliation there because that takes TWO. She didn't give a flip about making a genuine effort because she didn't know how. She was effed up to the nth degree, so don't sell yourself short on what YOUR abilities may have been if this relationship had been one with a "normal" person.
Author Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Thanks, Sad. You are right. My thrapist tells me the same thing.So do her parnets and brothers. It was helpful to have their input and support.
Bryanp Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I think the key point is what you said about getting away from the craziness. When you are in such a relationship you think the craziness is normal. It is like a cancer in that when it is cut away you have the ability to heal and truly appreciate what is around you. You learn that craziness is not normal and that normal really is wonderful.
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I always likened my experience with my xH to that of boiling a frog. I know you've probably heard it, but if you boil the water first and put the frog in boiling water, the frog jumps right out knowing it's dangerous. If you put him in while the water feels great and slowly turn up the heat to boiling, he doesn't know you're slowly killing him as he gets acclimated to it. You get conditioned over time to accept the craziness. I know personally, the divorced life is much better for me than being married to xH. I would still like to have a real love in my life, but I'm ok with being on my own. I appreciate the quietness of my life.
Author Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Yes, I've readt that analogy re the frog boiling, Sad, and it is right on. Strange thing about being in a relationship with a disordered person is that after a while, one begins to doubt if the things they are doing are intentional or if one is just too sensitive. Whne my wife first doused me with freezing cold water in the shower(and, believe me, it sounds not that bad, but it really scars the heck out of one. You body does not know what hit it as you are taken completely by surprise. Feels like an electric shock or as if you are being scalded.) I let it go, thinking she was being playful or just joking. Then it happened again, and again. Once , she recruited my young daughters to fling open the shower doo with her and drench me. Next she amped it up and , after calling me over for a hug when I was fully clothed and ready to meet her dad for golf, she dumped a freezing glass of cold water down my back on a hot summer day. This happened as I wrapeed my arms around her to say goodbye and she did it in front of my kids. I had to go back and change clothes. Or, we were playing scabble and just relaxing. She spells out "penis" looks at me as if it was a bluff word and she needed to use it in a sentence to convince me it was legit. She chose " penis. My husband has no penis." I got quite a few emasculating remarks. I am not at all effeminate. I lettered in 3 varsity sports in college for 3 years. But, I began to doubt myself and wonder if everyone's wife did these things. Now that I am out and away and have confided this stuff to my buddies and siblings, they are shocked at the treatment.But, when you are in it, you question everything. Maybe my seeing my son, her stepson for lunch at his grammar school did warant a few days of silent treatment etc. I still have some sadness re the loss of the illusion. She was really nice before we got married. But, this type of weirdness began almost immediately after we married and bought a house. Anyway, it is good to be out.
Bryanp Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Reggie, what horrible examples. I was married to a woman with a boarderling personality disorder and you wouldn't believe it. My recommendation is if a spouse has BPD then get out of the marriage as quickly as possible. I know there are exceptions but they are rare. They are self-destructive hurtful individuals that will bring everyone down with them. In addition, they get progressively worse and worse over time.
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Yes, there was a long period there where I began to believe I was the crazy one. And he had a way of pushing buttons to make me look crazy. It was almost like I was a puppet he could manipulate to act any way he wanted. It's like softly touching a open wound. The touch itself didn't look like it meant to hurt, but knowing how raw the wound was it hurt like hell. All other people saw was the soft touch. I'm so glad to be out of that and feel balanced again. I honestly don't miss anything about him. I'm just glad to have me back. It was funny though, after I got myself on the road to discovery and recovery, I quit engaging with him and quit being his puppet. It was only then that people started seeing him for who he really was. I never wanted revenge on him that I can remember. I know there were times after I left him during our divorce that he had amped up his verbal and emotional abuse to the point where I wished he would die. Now I feel nothing but pity towards him if he envokes an emotion at all.
fingersniffer Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Hey, I have his work cell phone, his email adresss, his wifes cell phone, his home adresss, his work adress. I know the bowling alley he tournaments in. So what should I do? Walk away from all that power? All that knoweledge? I suffer daily. I know things that she thinks I dont. People have seen her with him. So what should I do because I think that its starting again, even though we are in MC and its hard as hell guys. It really is, but I'm there and Im danm well trying.
Author Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, it got progressively worse. I shudder to think of some of the stuff, not to mention her check bouncing and the crazy spending.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Edit: posted to the wrong thread, LOL!
Dexter Morgan Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 seems to fade, which is nice. When my XW took off to be with the OM,I was pretty pissed. I was left to get the house ready for the market, deal with unpaid bills incurred while she spent our finances on her affair Well a good, ruthless lawyer could have done something about that. and I got to listen to our daughters tell me how the OM was showing them the engagement ring he bought and how he was practicing his proposal speech on them. Your xW sounds like an immature giddy little schoolgirl that is too dumb to realize how she probably sounds to her daughters. I'd be ashamed if I were them. I still think that is nuts to expose the kids to this within weeks of moving out. It is. It shows that your xW is very immature and quite frankly, an idiot. I think this is going to be a blessing in disguise for you. It felt like she had all the fun while I was paying for her food, car, clothes, housing during the affair. Felt very unjust. But, after a while, it just did not matter. I was out and awayfrom the craziness. My kids still loved me. I did not lose my relationships with my in-laws or her brothers and uncles. It helped to see her realtionship fall apart as the guy got to see the real her. She lost a lot, the respect of her parents and, to some extent , the kids. Guess that's petty but, I did get some satisfaction from it. You got the best revenge ever. She sounds like the type that is never going to have a stable relationship with anyone. Kind of like my xW whose husband is in prison. Funny how she calls me more on the phone now that he is behind bars. I had to tell her, "just because your boyfriend is in prison doesn't mean I want increased phone calls from you to discuss anything other than our kids." Things do get better. Man , what an education in human nature, I'm changed but its for the better. Very wise. You are sooooo right about that. You are damn sure better off!! I don't think I could have done the hard work of reconciliation. I guess tha's common. Life after divorce is not bad. Not bad? Its $#%@# great!!!! No longer do I have someone I have to worry about, someone that can't be trusted. And the best part is, dating again:cool:. The lesson I learned while married to someone like that is the best lesson ever, just like the one you learned.
Author Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, life is good. Seems I have no interest in dating. which is fine. This was my second marriage and both wives had affairs. I just don't look at women the same, anymore. Man, I was pretty naive. Thought it was mainly guys doing this stuff(with who, I know). But it is just rampant out there among both genders. I am getting a dog. 1
DealingWDrama Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 After you get your dog and continue to heal yourself...read "The Five Love Languages" in your spare time - I think it will help you in more ways than one...
cherrymoon Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Reggie, seriously that is illegal not to mind sick. Poor dog:p
Trialbyfire Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, life is good. Seems I have no interest in dating. which is fine. This was my second marriage and both wives had affairs. I just don't look at women the same, anymore. Man, I was pretty naive. Thought it was mainly guys doing this stuff(with who, I know). But it is just rampant out there among both genders. I am getting a dog. Sure, blame it on women when you're the only constant. Think about it clearly. Why did both YOUR choice of women cheat on you? One woman, well, everyone makes mistakes. Both? Hmmm.... Your criteria for wife selection seems to an issue here. Rather than blaming an entire gender, perhaps it's time to review what draws and drives your need for the dysfunctional woman. My ex-H cheated on me. I accept full responsibility for selecting the wrong man to marry. I've never been cheated on previous or since. There's no way in hell, I'll ever marry anyone else with big red flags. This doesn't mean that all men suck. They don't. I've dated a number of them, who are wonderful guys.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, life is good. Seems I have no interest in dating. which is fine. Oh neither did I. I was looking forward more to doing things with the guys again. Been out of town more in the last year than I ever have. but I dated a couple times, and to one person that apparantly was awaiting my divorce all these years and I didn't know it This was my second marriage and both wives had affairs. I just don't look at women the same, anymore. Well I try not to judge all women by the few dandys I've had in my past, but I am more guarded and eyes wide open now.
dannydrifter Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, there was a long period there where I began to believe I was the crazy one. And he had a way of pushing buttons to make me look crazy. It was almost like I was a puppet he could manipulate to act any way he wanted. It's like softly touching a open wound. The touch itself didn't look like it meant to hurt, but knowing how raw the wound was it hurt like hell. All other people saw was the soft touch. I'm so glad to be out of that and feel balanced again. I honestly don't miss anything about him. I'm just glad to have me back. It was funny though, after I got myself on the road to discovery and recovery, I quit engaging with him and quit being his puppet. It was only then that people started seeing him for who he really was. I never wanted revenge on him that I can remember. I know there were times after I left him during our divorce that he had amped up his verbal and emotional abuse to the point where I wished he would die. Now I feel nothing but pity towards him if he envokes an emotion at all. Sorry to hear all this, and don't mean to be rude but I think you should start your own thread instead of hijacking this one to go on about your own personal situation.
dannydrifter Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Hey, I have his work cell phone, his email adresss, his wifes cell phone, his home adresss, his work adress. I know the bowling alley he tournaments in. So what should I do? Walk away from all that power? All that knoweledge? I suffer daily. I know things that she thinks I dont. People have seen her with him. So what should I do because I think that its starting again, even though we are in MC and its hard as hell guys. It really is, but I'm there and Im danm well trying. Without getting too much into it, I say you need to expose your wife's affair. I would call up the guy and have a talk with him. Threaten to tell his wife. This will really wake him up. You should also seek the advice of a lawyer, because you may even be able to sue him for interfering with your marriage or have the lawyer engage him on your behalf. EXPOSE !! Post his phone number here, I'll call the guy for you and just pretend I am a mutual friend. If you think I am joking, try me.
Author Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Sure, blame it on women when you're the only constant. Think about it clearly. Why did both YOUR choice of women cheat on you? One woman, well, everyone makes mistakes. Both? Hmmm.... Your criteria for wife selection seems to an issue here. Rather than blaming an entire gender, perhaps it's time to review what draws and drives your need for the dysfunctional woman. My ex-H cheated on me. I accept full responsibility for selecting the wrong man to marry. I've never been cheated on previous or since. There's no way in hell, I'll ever marry anyone else with big red flags. This doesn't mean that all men suck. They don't. I've dated a number of them, who are wonderful guys. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't I say it was rampant among both genders? Seems your reading comprehnsion skills may be a little lacking. And, I agree. I am a poor selector. But,work on that reading, okay?
Author Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Reggie, seriously that is illegal not to mind sick. Poor dog:p Owning a dog is illegal?
Trialbyfire Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't I say it was rampant among both genders? Seems your reading comprehnsion skills may be a little lacking. And, I agree. I am a poor selector. But,work on that reading, okay? I read you loud and clear Reggie and responded as such. Everyone needs some downtime after separation and divorce. Now that you have two examples of women who appear to be of a certain type, have you analyzed what was similar about both women, that drew you? My money's on the superficial trumping the internals.
Author Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 I read you loud and clear Reggie and responded as such. Everyone needs some downtime after separation and divorce. Now that you have two examples of women who appear to be of a certain type, have you analyzed what was similar about both women, that drew you? My money's on the superficial trumping the internals. Absolutely. I definitely overlooked a lot due to the externals. Not sure if they had too much in common and I had never even heard of BPD before. Seems BP's are adept at masking during courtship. How about you, Trial? Seems arbitrary to say two is much different than one. You must have let some things slide by, eh?
Trialbyfire Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Absolutely. I definitely overlooked a lot due to the externals. Not sure if they had too much in common and I had never even heard of BPD before. Seems BP's are adept at masking during courtship. How about you, Trial? Seems arbitrary to say two is much different than one. You must have let some things slide by, eh? Were they both diagnosed BPD? Yes, I overlooked a lot of red flags and make no excuses for it. My responsibility for accepting his proposal of marriage. I should have listened to my initial gut instinct about him and not given him the chance, even though he pursued me for two years. Since then, I've ensured that if my gut instinct starts reacting in some way, I've paid some serious attention to it, while at the same time weighing actions/words, to try to make a more rational decision. No regrets yet!
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