muse08 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 greetings all))) i'm a product of divorce since i was 4 yrs-old. not many memories of parents together,happily. mostly fighting.father never helped my mother support myself or my 2 brothers growing up. when i'd ask him why, i found myself getting more angry due to his evasiveness and inability to take me seriously. only recently i learned that he may have been mentally effected by being in the military. if this is not the cause of his actions, i think my anger will become deeper! i'm now 33 and have noticed some patterns in my selection of men. similar to father...i want to stop the cycle. i've been called cold/cavalier by men, but i really have a big heart. i have watched my mother be independent and never remarry or date since the divorce. her mindset is protective, but i bit too negative sometime. i DO want a healthy relationship eventually. i DO NOT want a man like my father. what am i missing? any suggestions?
Author muse08 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 thanks for your question "anonymous", your answer is yes.
forest123 Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 See a psychologist. Seriously.. Unfortunately parents actions during a child's formative years often times become deeply ingrained in them. Often times it is like you are an actress in a movie, and you only replay the same scene over, and over , and over. Thats how you feel loved, or thats how open you are to receiving love etc. I dated women that had horrible relationships with their fathers, and it was very difficult to ever gain their trust, if not impossible.
Author muse08 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 See a psychologist. Seriously.. Unfortunately parents actions during a child's formative years often times become deeply ingrained in them. Often times it is like you are an actress in a movie, and you only replay the same scene over, and over , and over. Thats how you feel loved, or thats how open you are to receiving love etc. I dated women that had horrible relationships with their fathers, and it was very difficult to ever gain their trust, if not impossible. thanks for your blunt response. i have done what you suggested twice, but never continued. however, i see the need to continue because this issue has affected my life negatively for most of my life. i often have deep feelings of neglect and hopelessness and do not like talking to my father even til this day. he still doesn't really how negatively he has affected his children. this is where my anger comes from. i want to heal and be able to trust and be trusted...it works both ways. some men don't trust me b/c i don't open up much. so they sometimes feel that i'm seeing someone else or that i'm not emotionally available. quite sad, but perhaps true at this point in my life and perhaps the reason why i often allow emotionally unavailable men into my life...i guess...
forest123 Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 thanks for your blunt response. i have done what you suggested twice, but never continued. however, i see the need to continue because this issue has affected my life negatively for most of my life. i often have deep feelings of neglect and hopelessness and do not like talking to my father even til this day. he still doesn't really how negatively he has affected his children. this is where my anger comes from. i want to heal and be able to trust and be trusted...it works both ways. some men don't trust me b/c i don't open up much. so they sometimes feel that i'm seeing someone else or that i'm not emotionally available. quite sad, but perhaps true at this point in my life and perhaps the reason why i often allow emotionally unavailable men into my life...i guess... So true.. I have found myself dating women like this.. Not emotionally available, which sometimes leads to distrust. I do think all people suffer from some sort of negative parental "branding", for lack of a better term.. You just need to find someone whose issues match up to your issues.
Author muse08 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 So true.. I have found myself dating women like this.. Not emotionally available, which sometimes leads to distrust. I do think all people suffer from some sort of negative parental "branding", for lack of a better term.. You just need to find someone whose issues match up to your issues. hmmm. should the issues match up(where both of you will be in the same situation) ~OR~ should the issues compliment one another (where there can be a balance)?
quankanne Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 he still doesn't really how negatively he has affected his children. this is where my anger comes from. i want to heal and be able to trust and be trusted.. most people, I think, crave/desire affection and closeness with another person, but when something puts a roadblock in that process, they feel the best way to deal with it is to shut down that part of a relationship completely, rather than find an alternate route that works just as well or if not better. you mention military service – he served during the Vietnam era? Even if he wasn't physically in Vietnam, as a soldier, he still probably received a lot of crap about being in the service, for being a "traitor" in the minds of people against what the whole military is about. Or he may have been expected to do something he didn't fully agree with, but it was his job so he did it. It could be any number of things that caused him to shut down the way he did, though I can imagine that as a parent he never meant to hurt you when he did. you're seeing a lot of parallels in your relationships with men, shutting them out, and having an incredibly strong role model in your mom might be causing inner conflict – your desire to be close to someone V. your need to be independent in the sense that no one is going to do to you the way you feel your dad did your mom and you kids. at which point, I'd say the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to just let it go. Let go of the anger toward your dad, and learn to forgive him for not being the parent you needed him to be – you suffer emotionally, but so is he ... in his own way, he may mourns the lost opportunity with his children even though you're pretty sure "he doesn't get it." But until you start the process of forgiveness you won't be able to heal that rift; the upshot is that you have the opportunity of forging a new, better relationship with him. But only if you're willing to let go of the hurt and honestly try to meet him (and yourself) half-way.
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