Mortrix Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 (edited) I'm in a mess of a situation. I met a FABULOUS man i and fell hard for him very, very fast. He was wrapping up a project at work and moving house rather suddenly and wasn't making enough time for me. I foolishly ended it, blaming that, but it was really out of a fear of losing control of myself with this man. I was falling in love and thought it was crazy because it was so early on. I ended things. He was quite surprised, asked if I was really breaking up with him, asked if I had been dating someone else, said he hadn't been dating anyone else. He asked if I wanted to further define the relationship-I foolishly said no. I was afraid I'd look totally psychotic, like I was really fishing for reassurance under the guise of breaking up. We both expressed a desire to stay friends-in face he accompanied me to my sisters bbq the following day after I ended it and met her and our friends for the first time. Then I didn't hear from him for a month. We got together platonically 2 more times about a month after the bbq. I had started dating someone else, truthfully, to try and get over this guy. I had fallen so desparately hard for him, and felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life by ending it. But I was too proud to speak up. So I started a new relationship, keeping it quiet for the time being. The 4th time we got together after the break up, he kissed me and we ended up falling into a very caring, genuine fwb-type of situation, for lack of a better term. In December, I came clean about my new relationship and he admitted he had also begun one. We still saw each other 3-4 times a month, each and every time spending the night together from the time we got off work to the time we left for work in the morning. We cooked together, watched tv/movies, talked about everything under the sun but "us", definitely were good friends. With benefits at bedtime. I was still very much in love with him in March, when I tried to end the fwb with this guy and fully commit to my new bf. My new bf ironically nearly found out about me and the other guy the night I was ending it with the other guy. It didn't "stick", we were intimate again soon afterwards. My bf found out about the other guy, sadly. It was never what I wanted, I cared for my bf very much...but sadly never had the same chemistry as I did with the other guy. The other guy and I had discussed problems I had with my now-ex bf, so he knew things weren't perfect. In fact, I ended up moving 30 miles away in August after my break up. The other guy started coming to my house nearly every night to spend the night with me-driving 60 miles roundtrip in god-awful city rush hour traffic to do it each day-in a large SUV with $4.00 gas no less! Eventually he asked what was up with my "bf", I guess wondering why he and I were able to get together all the time at my house, and I explained he was now my ex bf. I did NOT disclose that we had been busted, because I am certain my ex will not contact the other guy in any way. I was terrified I'd lose him if he knew we had been busted. Not very mature, I know, and potentially even dangerous. He is still with his much younger gf, she is still away at college, and I wonder how great of a relationship they have. He doesn't talk to her when he is with me from 6 PM to 5 AM. Doesn't she wonder what is up with that-especially in a long distance relationship?? I still see him when she is home for summer breaks, holidays, etc. In fact, I see him much, much, much more than she does. BUT...I think he may have started dating her when contact with him slowed to the point of me breaking up with him. So in essence, he may have chosen her over me from the beginning. If I had never told him about the relationship I began after leaving him, he probably never would have told me about her. He would have had his out of town gf and his local gf. Ugh. I can't figure out how he has seen her at all for at least 5 weeks...I'm confused. He hangs out with me and my friends and sister sometimes, he hangs with me and my housemates and frequently spends the night here (as well as me at his place), but of course I never get to see anyone in his life. It makes me sad. I am very, very much in love with him after being involved with him for 18 months as either bf/gf, friends or lovers. We are good friends, enjoy spending lots of time together (17 nights last month), and have an intensely passionate sexual connection. I catch myself feeling like he's my bf though sometimes...we spend so much time together. He loves to feed me little morsels of treats he has picked up or prepared especially for us, he always is very protective and caring towards me, and generally makes it hard NOT to love him. I cannot seem to express to him how I feel, or even if I should, considering he is still in a relationship. Complicating matters is the fact he had a medical procedure, and was told it would reoccur within ten years. It was ten years not long ago. He just had another MRI and blood work up on Monday...every 6 months until....jeez it scares me. My mom currently has cancer. I went through cancer with a long term ex. My dad has a terminal illness. I'm not 100% sure I could deal with this..and if I can, how do I go about telling him how I feel? Someone close to me who is aware of my situation says from his actions that he feels the same way I do, but since I broke up with him, found someone new, and never asked for him back, he is staying with his "safety net"-her. Am I not giving us, me or him a fair chance by keeping quiet about the depth of my feelings? I'm sooooo lost Save Edited June 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator privacy ~T
Holding-On Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 well here is a cyber hug from me to you. I have no advice but didn't want your post to be read and ignored.
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 What your friend says makes sense to me. I would talk to him about your feelings. Now, it doesn't sound like you would, but I wouldn't put him on the spot or anything making him discuss how he feels if he doesn't share it on his own. Sometimes people need time to digest things, so even if you don't get an immediate response, or him throwing his arms around you declaring his undying love, don't despair. He'll tell you how he feels when he has his thoughts straight, if he doesn't do it then. Good Luck!
wildsoul Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Sexual intimacy is one thing, but emotional intimacy is another. It seems that the latter is much harder for you. Why? Your story reads like someone who is deeply afraid of rejection, who does all the rejecting first by hiding her real feelings and actions. But if you keep this up, you risk ending up alone--a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think it would be best for you to admit your true feelings and give him a chance to either reciprocate or turn you down. As they say, it's better to be rejected for you who are, than loved for who you are not.
Author Mortrix Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 well here is a cyber hug from me to you. I have no advice but didn't want your post to be read and ignored. Thanks! I feel better just getting it out...as one might guess, this is weighing pretty heavily on me lately.
Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 There certainly is a ton of dishonesty in this relationship. Sounds exhausting and the foundation of this thing is so messed up. You've got mutual cheating and lots of lying going on , historically. I would think you'd like to start over, clean with someone else, someone that you can trust.
Author Mortrix Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 What your friend says makes sense to me. I would talk to him about your feelings. Now, it doesn't sound like you would, but I wouldn't put him on the spot or anything making him discuss how he feels if he doesn't share it on his own. Sometimes people need time to digest things, so even if you don't get an immediate response, or him throwing his arms around you declaring his undying love, don't despair. He'll tell you how he feels when he has his thoughts straight, if he doesn't do it then. Good Luck! Sound advice, thanks. I'm not entirely sure this will take him by surprise...I just don't know though. He does things that totally throw me for a loop-like singing Jason Mraz's "If it kills me", which talks about loving someone silently. His actions are affectionate towards me, he seems to care about me, but there is just dead silence on both sides. I need to figure out how to venture into discussion of "feelings" with this guy-it's something we have both skirted our entire relationship. I need to know either way...
Author Mortrix Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Sexual intimacy is one thing, but emotional intimacy is another. It seems that the latter is much harder for you. Why? Your story reads like someone who is deeply afraid of rejection, who does all the rejecting first by hiding her real feelings and actions. But if you keep this up, you risk ending up alone--a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think it would be best for you to admit your true feelings and give him a chance to either reciprocate or turn you down. As they say, it's better to be rejected for you who are, than loved for who you are not. You hit the nail on the head, right down to my worst fear. I think you're dead right...I just need to figure out how to go about doing this, and ready myself for the possibility of having to walk away from this man that I care so much for.
norajane Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You hit the nail on the head, right down to my worst fear. I think you're dead right...I just need to figure out how to go about doing this, and ready myself for the possibility of having to walk away from this man that I care so much for. "Sweetheart, I've started falling in love with you, and that's a bad thing if you intend to continue dating your gf in college. Unless you want to break up with her, I'm going to have to step back and not see you anymore since I'm starting to care too much when you aren't my bf."
sadintexas Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I don't see a big speech here. I see it more as taking a tender moment (like laying next to each other while stroking his hair and looking into his eyes) and maybe saying something like "This feels so perfect to me. I would love to be able to call you mine" (or have you in my life full time, or could I ever have you all to myself) or something along those lines. There's no big pressure there. He can simply smile if he's not ready to answer, and you haven't thrown an ultimatum out there out of the blue. If he wants this too, he will talk about it then or later. If not, you can continue with what what you have with him if you want to. Everybody loves to be wanted so I don't think you can go wrong.
mytruelove Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 i'm another person who has a hard time expressing my feelings. there is a lot to be said for feeling safe. i've never been one to take risks and can shut down pretty quick. but, sometimes you just have to take the risk if it is worth it. sure, you can get hurt, but without taking the risk there is no chance for getting your needs met or being really really happy. here's how my relationship with my sg started ... we had been friends for a while but hadn't discussed being together. i just took a deep breath and just kinda blurted out "can i tell you something?"... his response "you can tell me anything".... and i told him exactly how i felt and to my surprise he felt the same. from that moment on i felt safe to tell him anything and he hasn't let me down in that regard yet. a lot has happened since then, but i have never regretted one bit telling him how i felt and taking the risk. just the act of having that kind of courage has made me feel strong. if i've had things to tell him about my feelings i write them down first and give myself some time to sit with the feelings to try to make sure i express them the best i can and then when i'm ready i express them. it might take a while but i make sure everything gets expressed. my best advice is to relax, when the moment is right i think you'll know what to say and have the courage to say it. GO FOR IT GIRL!!! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE
matchbookromance Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I once was in the same position as you. But I let the girl go cause I realized she wouldn't leave her bf for me. I was so crazy about her but I couldn't take being "the other guy" anymore. So yeah. I think you should talk to him about it, that's the best thing you should do...
Author Mortrix Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Thank you all for your advice and encouragement! I saw him last night and initiated a conversation about "this". It was extremely difficult, but I'm proud of myself in the end. Things did not go the way I wanted them to, but I expressed myself in an honest and dignified fashion. I feel I gave him plenty of opportunity to express a desire to continue what we have properly. He chose to remain silent, rather than make promises he doesn't seem to think he can keep, and I respect him for that. He seems to think this will be a "break", though. I was surprised at his audacity...I'm not coming back this time. I feel I expressed that pretty clearly. I told him in the future, if he desires friendship, I'm sure we can maintain some level of contact, but not now, and not for some time to come. I expressed how damaging this whole situation was to my self-esteem, how painful loving an unavailable man is, and how I've realized I've been lying to myself for far too long. I'm just haunted by the image of his eyes, his dejected, slumped over posture and his apologies. I've ended a 7 year, live in relationship (over an 18 month long affair on his part, coincidentally, this guy and I are at 18 months now)...I've had some bad break ups. This one is by far the most painful thus far. I hope in the end, I find inner untapped strength and make it through this with my heart intact. I fear I'm up for the challenge of my life...I've never loved like this before.
norajane Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Good for you! That took a lot of courage and honesty, and it's so very much the best thing. Staying with him would have mired you deeper and deeper, making it harder and harder to get out. If he does not feel the same way as you, then yes, it is best for you to leave him. You will fall in love again, and it will feel so much better than this, because it's reciprocated without anxiety about his other girlfriend!
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