norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I made a deal with myself that I'd wait no more than 6 months, if that's what I decided to do. I'm willing to accept that ending a marriage takes time and one needs to be absolutely sure that its the right thing to do (not just for love). 6 months for what? For them to decide to separate? For him to move out and get his own place? For his wife to file for divorce (since he wants her to do that, if it happens)? For them to go through marriage counseling, decide their marriage is irreconcilable, separate, move out, file for divorce, go through the settlement negotiations, sign the divorce papers, for him to heal from the ending of committed marriage relationship he thought would be forever when he married her but that has ended in failure, date around for a while, and then finally be ready for a new serious relationship (to you) that could lead to marriage, maybe?
jj33 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 No Confused it wouldnt. I know a number of women (3) who dated single men and waited and waited from them to decide it was right and in each case they married and they hate the fact that they waited and waited. The dynamic of the marriage is a bit off kilter because their waiting and letting themselves be an optoin changed things irrevocably. I was never waiting when I was in it. I never wanted him to leave it was only after when he kept trying to come back that I started to realize that I didnt want to be OW anymore. And more recently it has hit me that the fact that he knew for so long that even tho we were apart, that I was still an option had put our relationship off kilter. If you want your relationship to be healthy when you get back together you need to take a stand. Otherwise it will always be his agenda, his issues his everything that guides things. Its the old adage you start as you mean to continue. OWoman did it that way, as did GEL when she got out she cut him off. No waiting. So no it has nothing to do with the fact that he didnt leave. Its not something I ever wanted him to do while we were together and even now, the thought of him leaving makes me sad for him. I hope he is never so unhappy that he wants to leave as it would shake the very foundations of his existence. But if he does I think the events of the past year have broken something fundamental between us. If I had been more distant we might have had a chance now I think a bad dynamic is in place and he would end up with someone else someone who he didnt view as an "option".
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Thanks frannie. Waiting it out for 4 years would take commitment. I made a deal with myself that I'd wait no more than 6 months, if that's what I decided to do. I'm willing to accept that ending a marriage takes time and one needs to be absolutely sure that its the right thing to do (not just for love). As insane as I can imagine the situation sounds from the outside, I think we're both well-adjusted and fairly normal people. Neither of us has a history of affairs. Trouble with this is that 6 months is an arbitrary number. Plucked out of nowhere. After six months you'll realise that... what's another week? In no time at all it will be a year and THEN..? Then there will be a subtle shift in thinking towards: 'I've already invested a year'. Then make that two. I'm going to quote you now: 'as insane as I can imagine the situation sounds from the outside'... as sure as eggs is eggs that is what will happen. Thing is, an awful lot of people who haven't btdt do think that those having affairs are some kind of breed apart. I know I did (mea culpa!). But we're not. We're just ordinary people like anyone else, so your saying 'we're both well-adjusted and fairly normal' isn't going to protect you from the horrors ahead. We were all 'well-adjusted and fairly normal' on this board... once
Author TooConfused2 Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Fair enough. It just seems as though others see us as flawed, or abnormal or something. And that's not the case. 6 months, for me, is enough time to really know if it is true or not. The A has not been physical, so that dynamic does not apply. As painful as it will be, there will be a break at six months. I am strong enough to do that. I'll have to find another job though. That'll suck.
norajane Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 We're just ordinary people like anyone else, so your saying 'we're both well-adjusted and fairly normal' isn't going to protect you from the horrors ahead. We were all 'well-adjusted and fairly normal' on this board... once Too true! Most little girls don't grow up wishing to one day be in an affair with someone special. Yet, it happens, every day, to normal people. In fact, TooConfused, it happens EXACTLY like yours is starting. Many, many affairs start at work, where you get to know someone gradually, flirt a little, spend more time together, flirt some more, start sharing personal information about your lives, become "friends" and share more and more, flirt some more, and then, at some point, the line is crossed and boom, there you are in the midst of a situation you never would have chosen if given the option.
frannie Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 6 months, for me, is enough time to really know if it is true or not. The A has not been physical, so that dynamic does not apply. As painful as it will be, there will be a break at six months. I am strong enough to do that. I'll have to find another job though. That'll suck. My affair was not physical for a year either, at the beginning. I'm not going to keep coming back with the same old thing (or am I ), because I well remember at least one friend telling me what I'm telling you and I was saying exactly the same things you are saying, and I KNOW I didn't listen either. You can't expect someone to listen, everyone has to make their own mistakes. PLUS, no one knows how your story is going to pan out, despite the words from the Greek Chorus (me included!). Just that, after 6 months is no different to after five or three or seven. That's all I'm saying. One more week makes no difference here or there. The only thing is, once you're emotionally invested it's all too late. You were talking about my 'committment' in 'waiting' for 4 years. Committment it wasn't ... it was being STUCK! Anyway, I'm not going to harangue you any longer, because its gets no-one anywhere! You just have to decide how to handle this going forward, and how to weigh up his words and intentions... welcome to the madness
Author TooConfused2 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 My affair was not physical for a year either, at the beginning. I'm not going to keep coming back with the same old thing (or am I ), because I well remember at least one friend telling me what I'm telling you and I was saying exactly the same things you are saying, and I KNOW I didn't listen either. You can't expect someone to listen, everyone has to make their own mistakes. PLUS, no one knows how your story is going to pan out, despite the words from the Greek Chorus (me included!). Just that, after 6 months is no different to after five or three or seven. That's all I'm saying. One more week makes no difference here or there. The only thing is, once you're emotionally invested it's all too late. You were talking about my 'committment' in 'waiting' for 4 years. Committment it wasn't ... it was being STUCK! Anyway, I'm not going to harangue you any longer, because its gets no-one anywhere! You just have to decide how to handle this going forward, and how to weigh up his words and intentions... welcome to the madness Everything said is logical and I am usually a logical person, but strong emotion has gotten involved. Unfortunately, I still believe the words and intentions - would make things easier if I didn't. So far, I do not believe I have been lied to (everyone says that in the beginning, right?) Had another round of talking about D and life after. Unfortunately, we're still doing "the dance"... Its weird though - I know there's no love in the marriage, but still can't seem to break away. What is that? And lastly, harangue away... Maybe I'll come around sooner than my married friend. I appreciate the perspectives.
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Its weird though - I know there's no love in the marriage, but still can't seem to break away. What is that? Attachment, commitment, family, finances, home. Refusal to fail, hope to reconcile and live up to the hopes and dreams they had when they married, occasional glimpses of what they had when they married, hope. There may not be passion in the marriage, but love? People become family over time. Just like your family...you may not like them all the time, but they're still family and you're still attached and yes, deep down, there is love. All it takes is for one to definitively want out, and the marriage ends. Your guy, despite all his talk to YOU, hasn't made up his mind to divorce, and apparently, neither has his wife. 6 months from now, you'll be asking this same question with no additional enlightenment.
frannie Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Everything said is logical and I am usually a logical person, but strong emotion has gotten involved. Unfortunately, I still believe the words and intentions - would make things easier if I didn't. So far, I do not believe I have been lied to (everyone says that in the beginning, right?). Had another round of talking about D and life after. Unfortunately, we're still doing "the dance"... Its weird though - I know there's no love in the marriage, but still can't seem to break away. What is that? Strong emotion is already involved, yeah... you know that's not going to change after six months. But I already said, I can see its too late for U-turns so I've stopped haranguing, honestly! I think the thing is, the words and intentions don't have to be lies for it not to work out. He can have heartfelt intentions, and not mean to lie or to mislead you, but still not leave. I think that's something that's poo-pooed on so much of LS, in favour of the idea that 'if he loves you he'll move mountains', but I think that's so much hogwash. There's far more involved than love or the lack of it at the ending (or not) of a marriage. See norajane's post for some of the angles. I'd say guilt and fear are enormous. So, he can be genuine, he can love you, and he can 'want' to leave as much as he likes, but he may still never pull the trigger... or not for years... or not til you're done and been through the wringer so much you don't even want him any longer. Sorry to sound like an old misery guts here, of course it CAN work out differently I think actually, that if you know up front that this is the way it can go (longwinded, tortuous), that that might help you to remain skeptical, keep boundaries in place, look to actions rather than words. Because that way you may get quicker results: either he is 'forced' to come up with the goods or risk losing your goodwill, or you will see earlier on his lack of action and end things before you lose the will to live . Anyway, I'd like to think my hideous experience might benefit someone, somewhere, lol.
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