How long until it should become "official"?

[wallflower77]

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months. He's nine years older than me, early thirties and I'm early 20's. He's divorced with one son that he only sees every other weekend. Strange story involved there, but it doesn't bother me or anything.

 

Basically, we met online a few weeks after my breakup with my ex, talked a lot the same night and ended up having sex. This turned into us hanging out, getting to know eachother and still having sex. We both seem to like eachother, and we've shared a lot of secrets with eachother. We talk pretty consistenly, usually on AIM but interchangeably on the phone.

 

When we first started seeing eachother, he lived alone. Then his lesbian friend moved in which I was okay with, but then someone he found online moved in. I just met this girl yesterday, very pretty and in the same line of work as him, which is making me feel insecure. This is especially true since she moved in last Monday, the same day she was only planning on viewing the place, and he didn't have any contact with me that day. Then the next day, when talking online he didn't even tell me until I basically asked how the viewing went. The rest of the week he was kind of distant and I was getting pissed, he didn't return calls on Halloween night because he "fell asleep" and he was really sorry. Whatever. I hung out with him Sunday (he actually invited my brother over to meet him too)and he was especially nice, roommates not there. Then I met her yesterday, immediately jealous of her looks and the fact that they work in the same line, and he was like talking to her more than me, and not even sitting with me.

 

When we were lying in bed together last night, I was like "oh wow" we've known eachother for over two months now" more of like an observation than anything and it seemed like he thought I was trying to push something on him. He was like "Well I dont really think about time, youre a special person and I always feel better when hearing your voice or being with you", and since I wasn't really asking him to say this, I thought it was like some sort of Don't Rush things message to me. So I was like "That's very nice but you didn't have to say those things, I was just making an observation".

 

It's just weird...he likes me, but I feel so much younger than him. He's distant sometimes and I feel like he keeps things from me sometimes and I can't really say anything bothers me because we are not official and I just wonder if we will ever be. How long until things become official???

[norajane]

Do you want it to be official? You told him you were just making an observation - is that true, or did you just say that to hide from him how you really feel?

 

I don't know how long it will take, if ever. How long has he been divorced? He may not be ready for a serious relationship; he may be enjoying dating multiple women after years of marriage. Have you asked him if he is dating other women? Having sex with them?

 

The main question here, is how long are you willing to stay with him without it being 'official'? You can walk away if you're unhappy; you don't have to wait. You could date other people, so you don't set all your hopes on him.

 

He's in a different stage of life than you. You may never sync up on what you want out of a relationship or life. How much time do you want to give it to find out?

[Shygirl15]

The day I'm having sex with a guy, marks the start of official relationship with him. And I always let them know that. You gave yourself too easily for this guy, and as much as he likes you, he may not take you as seriously as you want him to.

[wallflower77]

I don't know if I want it to be official I guess. I do in a way, but since he is so much older, and previously married and has a son, I feel like it would be hard to tell my parents. He was only married for less than a year to a woman he didn't love that basically lied about taking birth control and used him to get pregnant. I do think he has some issues with woman because of that, but he did date someone else around my age for over a year before we met.

 

Right now I think this is all bothering me more because of the new female roommate. It's really making me feel insecure. I also haven't really asked him if he is seeing or sleeping with anyone else. I think I am going to do that next.

 

I want to try to date other people. I've only been in two long term relationships before and have never really dated and don't know how to like meet people. I don't have many friends who have single guy friends and it's also just weird to be like hey set me up, or to talk to some random person on the street. I don't know how people meet people! lol.

 

I really was just making an observation when saying that because I was talking about how school seemed like it would never start and now it was two months in, and we met like my first week of school, so I was just making the connection.

 

This stages of life thing is so annoying. It's like I was dating this guy 2 years older than me and the last thing on his mind was a lifelong commitment. I just actually saw that he set up a facebook account and has all of these really sl*tty girls as friends which is just pissing me off more because i know they are not random and he had to look them up. Whatever, I hate facebook, I don't even want to see the pictures!

[serialgf]

I don't know if I want it to be official I guess. I do in a way, but since he is so much older, and previously married and has a son, I feel like it would be hard to tell my parents. He was only married for less than a year to a woman he didn't love that basically lied about taking birth control and used him to get pregnant. I do think he has some issues with woman because of that, but he did date someone else around my age for over a year before we met.

 

Right now I think this is all bothering me more because of the new female roommate. It's really making me feel insecure. I also haven't really asked him if he is seeing or sleeping with anyone else. I think I am going to do that next.

 

I want to try to date other people. I've only been in two long term relationships before and have never really dated and don't know how to like meet people. I don't have many friends who have single guy friends and it's also just weird to be like hey set me up, or to talk to some random person on the street. I don't know how people meet people! lol.

 

I really was just making an observation when saying that because I was talking about how school seemed like it would never start and now it was two months in, and we met like my first week of school, so I was just making the connection.

 

This stages of life thing is so annoying. It's like I was dating this guy 2 years older than me and the last thing on his mind was a lifelong commitment. I just actually saw that he set up a facebook account and has all of these really sl*tty girls as friends which is just pissing me off more because i know they are not random and he had to look them up. Whatever, I hate facebook, I don't even want to see the pictures!

 

 

it sounds like you're not really communicating your feelings to this guy, probably because you feel uncomfortable/insecure about the status of your relationship, so that understandably makes it hard to open up.

 

you need to tell him what you wrote in this post: i would suggest that first you ask him if he's seeing other people, then depending on his answer (i.e. if he says yes), i would tell him that you're thinking about seeing other people and you don't want your relationship to get too serious. Finally, i would tell him that you feel a bit insecure about his new roomate because she's so pretty and in the same line of work as he.

 

i'm a big proponent of honest open communication and my boyfriend and i always tell each other what's on our mind. he's 36 and i'm 28 (we've been dating for a month and a half) so we are of a similar age gap as you and your man, though mine has never been married and doesn't have kids so that does change things. but guys in their late 30's just have so much more relationship experience so an honest conversation should be something he can definitely handle having. i bet he would be relieved and totally down if you told him that you want to just take it easy and possibly see other people. hey it may even cause him to want you all for himself!

 

in terms of where to meet guys, do you live in a big city or a small town? i live in a small city and i always meet guys at music shows, volunteering, or at the coffee shop, or doing activities that i enjoy. just smile a lot and be open to conversations. don't be afraid to get out there in the scene.

 

good luck!

[wallflower77]

Thank you so much serialgf! I do think that I'm not being totally honest about how I feel about things to him, because I guess I feel weird about the age thing. I also really don't know what he wants or even if he is dating anyone else. I don't know anything obviously. I think tonight I will ask if he is dating anyone else and maybe say that I might start dating some other people if he is, based on whatever he tells me I guess.

 

I don't know if I'll say anything about the new roommate just yet. I think one big conversation will be enough for one day, but who knows maybe it will come out. If it keeps bothering I might say something or I might just give up this whole thing. It was kind of a rebound relationship of sorts and up until now I've been happy with the situation...not too serious, we get along when we hang out, whatever. But now I guess I'm starting to care more about him and getting jealous of the roommmate, so I think I should find out what is going on in his mind before I make any more moves. I just fear these kinds of "where is this going" talks with guys. Hopefully his age means he is more mature and can handle it, like you said serialgf. BTW, good luck with your bf, it sounds like things are going well!

 

As for me, I live in a suburb, definently not a city. My problem is most of my friends have bfs, I don't want to seem desperate and say set me up with someone and I'm totally shy. I get really socially anxious when talking to new people, especially guys, and feel like a screw up or something and then it makes me not want to even try. Like I'll see guys in places, but I'm definently not the type of person that would go up to someone I didn't know. It's a bad cycle!

[wallflower77]

So I had kind of a confusing talk with him, but we were both slightly buzzed so I emailed him today to clarify some things and also because I didn't mention some things that I wanted to (about the roommate, which I found out is HIV positive)...this is the email, please let me know what you think, he hasn't written back yet so I'm a little worried...

 

 

Hey. I just wanted to clarify some things that I said last night, because I realize I was probably unclear. I really don't have a problem with the age difference, I mean it's a little strange for me because I know that you have so much more experience than me and I've never dated anyone that much older than me, but I can deal with that easily. I just think that if I told my parents about your age, marital status and the fact that you're a father, they might be a little hesistant for me to date you at first as most parents probably would be, no matter who you were and how great a person you were, which you are! But I'm sure after awhile that they would get over it as they grew to know you. I really hope that doesn't hurt your feelings, because it's nothing personal, more of a situational sort of thing.

 

Also, I just get a little confused as to what we actually are to each other sometimes. I've never been in a relationship where I'm sleeping with someone that's not technically my boyfriend, and I don't mind and don't need you to like officially ask me to be your girlfriend if you don't want that kind of relationship, it's just that I don't want to tell my parents we're dating or I'm going to see you if it's not much more than friends with benefits. I guess I also just don't want myself to get too attached if it's just a friends with benefits kind of thing.

 

Lastly, because we are not officially anything to each other I guess I've been hesistant to ask if you are dating anyone or sleeping with anyone else. I mean, I don't think you are, but if you were I would hope that you would tell me because personally I don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people for health reasons and I just don't think I'm that type of girl. Also, I'm sure that you are not or would've told me, but if you were ever to sleep with your roommate I would want to know, not only because I don't want to be sleeping with you if you were with her or any other girl, but because she said she was HIV positive and I in no way want to have that. I assumed that you were disease free from the start because of the fact that you are a father of a healthy son. Honestly, at first I was a little uncomfortable with the fact that you had a straight female roommate, but that's just my girlie nature I guess, but I can deal with that as long as you remain honest with me.

 

Anyway I hope you don't think this is stupid or me trying to cause drama or being a crazy woman, I'm just want to be honest with you. I really do have fun with you and think you are a very special person, these are just some general things I've been thinking about. My hope is that we can always just be honest about our expectations in the relationship and what we are doing outside of the relationship at the very least sexually. Well anyway, hope you are having a good day, I'll talk to you later!

[wallflower77]

So I emailed him the above letter yesterday at like one oclock and still no reply or contact. Its very frustrating. I feel like I can't even communicate with him in an open and honest way and I thought maybe that wouldn't be the case since he is older, but apparently not. I thought age would mean more maturity and appreciation for honesty, but I guess not. Is the above letter so horrible? Is it so horrible to speak how you actually feel to someone? I don't think I was being out of line really.

 

Maybe he was a little hurt by the sleeping with the roommate thing, but it is a concern, especially now because of the HIV thing. Maybe if he hadn't been acting so different ever since she moved in, and especially after he found out about the HIV thing, then I wouldn't of had to say anything or think anything to begin with.

 

The night before I sent this letter we had a little talk when we were buzzed. I said sometimes I'm a little bothered by the age thing, and I tried to clarify by saying it wasn't really me but the fact that I was worried my parents would be bothered by it. Then I said sometimes Im just confused about what we are to eachother and I said for all I know you could be dating someone else. He never said anything to me about anything that night. I kept saying "do you know what I mean?" and he would say "yes", but wouldn't actually clarify anything that was confusing to me. There was no dialouge. So thats why I wrote the email, and also because I thought I was a little confusing and didn't get to mention anything about how I felt about the roommate.

 

Maybe it was a lot for one email but i had to get it out. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?

[Star Gazer]

"HIV thing"???

[norajane]

I kept saying "do you know what I mean?" and he would say "yes", but wouldn't actually clarify anything that was confusing to me. There was no dialouge.

 

I'd write him off at this point, regardless of whether he wants anything to be official, or if he's boinking his HIV positive roommate or not.

 

I absolutely hate it when men refuse to communicate, hate with the fire of a thousand suns. He is not a child, his mind and vocal cords function just like yours do, yet he sits there like a lump and says nothing or grunts out a grudging yes or no.

 

Blech.

 

A guy who won't talk to you when you are trying to communicate with him, especially when you are sharing your concerns that affect you both emotionally and physically, a guy who won't share his thoughts, and who IGNORES your emails where you do share your thoughts is rude, and unattractive. Plus, boring. You shouldn't have to pull words out of him with pliers.

 

There are better men out there. Go find one and forget about this guy.

[Jersey Shortie]

Not all older men are mature. Not all younger men are immature, although they may be harder to come by. Some guys in their 40s aren't mature because age doesn't always go hand and hand with maturity.

 

I really think being the age you are, and him being the age he is; you two are in different spots in life. You are going to change alot between 20-25. He is already 30 with a child. I know you probably think you are mature for your age, and you probably are, but you are going to be even more mature in 5 years. You will see things you once didn't.

 

Which brings me to the situation with his child. You can tell alot by a man from his other relationships. If he takes responsiblity for them and how he values them. From my experience, I man that only sees his own child every other weekend, isn't big on commitment. I am not saying he doesn't love his child or that he is a bad person. But it does speak something about him. On some level, it speaks of the values of the man that he only wants to take responsilbity for his son every two weeks.

 

Another point is that he blamed the birth of his child on the child's mother. It could be true, it might not. But there is one fact we can't deny. It takes two to make a baby.

 

Lastly, this guy has HIV and he never told you? That is a huge huge huge issue.

 

You might be better off without this guy.

[wallflower77]

thank you jersey shorty. I realize now that he might not be as mature as I would have liked despite his age. But no, he doesn't have HIV, his new female roommate does. I would never be with someone with HIV personally, so I especially wanted to tell him that in case he was ever even thinking about sleeping with his roommate.

 

Also, he actually fought long and hard to see his son more in court but his ex wife moved about 6 hours away and got engaged and this is all that he'll gets to see him. I'm not concerned about that because I know that he loves his son very much and wants to see him more often. The story goes that his ex wife basically stopped taking her birth control and lied to him because she wanted to have a baby badly (he also didn't know she was married at the time to someone else who was infertile). Basically she was very manipulative and he fights for his rights as a father all of the time.

 

But I think norajane, you are right. This is ridiculous! How do you totally ignore an email like that? Why not at least tell me he's mad and doesn't want to see me anymore??? I would rather get a bad reaction than no reaction in some way. At least I would understand it more. I would certainly respect it more.

 

Is this an email that is so rude or ridiculous that it can't be replied to? Is it offensive or aggressive in any way that I'm not seeing? Does it go over the line? I'm going to copy it again into my next post so people don't have to go back to find it. Thanks for your help!

[wallflower77]

Copy of email...

 

Hey. I just wanted to clarify some things that I said last night, because I realize I was probably unclear. I really don't have a problem with the age difference, I mean it's a little strange for me because I know that you have so much more experience than me and I've never dated anyone that much older than me, but I can deal with that easily. I just think that if I told my parents about your age, marital status and the fact that you're a father, they might be a little hesistant for me to date you at first as most parents probably would be, no matter who you were and how great a person you were, which you are! But I'm sure after awhile that they would get over it as they grew to know you. I really hope that doesn't hurt your feelings, because it's nothing personal, more of a situational sort of thing.

 

Also, I just get a little confused as to what we actually are to each other sometimes. I've never been in a relationship where I'm sleeping with someone that's not technically my boyfriend, and I don't mind and don't need you to like officially ask me to be your girlfriend if you don't want that kind of relationship, it's just that I don't want to tell my parents we're dating or I'm going to see you if it's not much more than friends with benefits. I guess I also just don't want myself to get too attached if it's just a friends with benefits kind of thing.

 

Lastly, because we are not officially anything to each other I guess I've been hesistant to ask if you are dating anyone or sleeping with anyone else. I mean, I don't think you are, but if you were I would hope that you would tell me because personally I don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people for health reasons and I just don't think I'm that type of girl. Also, I'm sure that you are not or would've told me, but if you were ever to sleep with your roommate I would want to know, not only because I don't want to be sleeping with you if you were with her or any other girl, but because she said she was HIV positive and I in no way want to have that. I assumed that you were disease free from the start because of the fact that you are a father of a healthy son. Honestly, at first I was a little uncomfortable with the fact that you had a straight female roommate, but that's just my girlie nature I guess, but I can deal with that as long as you remain honest with me.

 

Anyway I hope you don't think this is stupid or me trying to cause drama or being a crazy woman, I'm just want to be honest with you. I really do have fun with you and think you are a very special person, these are just some general things I've been thinking about. My hope is that we can always just be honest about our expectations in the relationship and what we are doing outside of the relationship at the very least sexually. Well anyway, hope you are having a good day, I'll talk to you later!

[allina]

I hate being a downer in these situations but in adult relationships if both people want to commit to each other it happens, smoothly. There should be no need for awkward talks or e-mails. If he wants to commit to you, you shouldn't have to search and pry for positive signals. From my observations a shaky, unsure start rarely, if even leads to a committed relationship.

[Salome]

This may be an unpopular view, but I think the minute you start talking about what a relationship is or isn't, it's all downhill from there. Why does it have to have a label? If you are seeing someone and having sex on a regular basis, then it is a relationship of some kind. The only issue is if you are bothered about exclusivity - you may not be happy about him having sex with other people, in which case this is something you need to address with him...

[wallflower77]

In the email, I said basically that we didn't need to put a label on anything by saying you don't have to officially ask me to be your girlfriend if thats not the type of relationship you want. I just wanted to know honestly what his expectations were of the relationship. Even he was sleeping with other people, I wanted him to tell me and let me make my own decision. There is no reason why he can't be honest with me, especially if we are not exclusive. I realized that by discussing what we were to eachother there may have been a bit of a strain, but I didn't realize I would totally be ignored. That is not fair to me.

[lovememylove]

I reckon he's just not into you. If you get suspicious about your relationship thats normally ended up being the truth. And I'm also concerned about the way he chooses his flatmates. a lesbian and a pretty lady?! hehe it's again probably he still sees himself as an eligible prince of the castle.

NAH, if I were you I'll move on. I know how hard it's after you got out of long term relationship. Lots of struggle, questioning, sleeping with unofficial boyfriends..,, I finally met my prince charming and he asked me to get married after 3 months we started dating. My ex is 8 years older than me and my prince charming and I are same age. When men fall in love trully they get really serious.

 

well good luck on your journey

[wallflower77]

Yhank you so much lovememylove and everyone else who has been writing me. This all makes it easier for me and more hopeful that I'll find someone else better. Someone that I can be honest with, I hate playing games soooo much!

 

Good luck on your journey as well. You sound very happy. May I ask where you met your prince charming? I feel like I don't know where to meet guys or how to meet them.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hon, your posts are full of uncertain language. You are pretty young and have not figured out yet that as the female, you really hold all the cards when it comes to sex and where the relationship is going. If you want just sex, you can easily get that from any of hundreds of guys. If you want a relationship, you can get that, too -- but you have to approach the entire situation from that angle, without the vague sense that you "don't know where this is going." It is going wherever YOU want it to go, and it's up to you to be clear about that.

 

I think you need to lose this guy, and then get very clear on what you want. Do you want a relationship, or do you want a **** buddy? It sounds to me like you want a relationship, or you wouldn't be concerned about where it's going. If YOU know what you WANT, and you're clear about it all along, you won't find yourself in these "confusing" situations.

[chacha7]

Good luck wallflower! I think you are figuring everything out and although it is hard, you will be okay! You deserve better and I'm sure you will find someone special.

[wallflower77]

Yes ruby slippers, this is the first time I've ever been in a situation like this. I would definitely prefer a relationship to just a ****buddy. At first I was fine with it just being a friends with benefits sort of thing because I had just broken up with my ex boyfriend a few weeks earlier. But then after two months, I thought it might progress into more and I was starting to care about him more, so I had to ask him these questions. I needed an answer either way. Either path was fine with me, I just wanted to know, so that I didn't waste my time. From now on I know that I don't just want a **** buddy.

 

He actually did call me at like six oclock tonight. I didn't hear my phone and didn't pick up. No message though, and no other form of contact, so I'm not contacting him. If he wants to say something, he can leave a voicemail, or send an email or text. That doesn't mean I will forgive him. I would like to hear what he could possibly have to say about this though. However no matter what, I dont think I should stay in this relationship.

 

I just wish I knew how to meet other guys to make the transition a little less annoying. I think I'm like the worst person at dating! I'm so shy and nervous around guys and don't meet them that often so its hard. I went out with some friends and hung out with a guy for awhile, but I don't really dance and I think that was a turn off for him. I really just don't like to dance though. I just think that I just get so self concious around guys! Anyone ever experience this and have any advice on how to get over it? Thanks!

[chacha7]

Good luck wallflower! I think you are figuring everything out and although it is hard, you will be okay! You deserve better and I'm sure you will find someone special who you can be open and honest with!

 

You sound a lot like me actually, and that's why I wanted to write to you. I hate dancing too actually (are you my missing twin? lol) I tend to be very shy around people too, but I just try to be nice and as long as they are nice back, I start to feel more comfortable and then I loosen up. However if they are rude to me, I don't think they are worth my time and move on. Just try to find someone you are comfortable with and things will get easier, even dancing which I only do if its slow dancing really, unless I'm really drunk lol. Also try to make sure the guy has nice friends, if he does, it makes all the difference!

 

There are guys out there that will care about you and will be there for you no matter what, even if you don't dance! lol. They will even go out of their way to understand you and make time for you, really. I believe it even though I'm not sure if I used to, so I wish you the best of luck with everything!

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you're not going to put up with this nebulous situation any longer, so good for you!

 

I'm so shy and nervous around guys and don't meet them that often so its hard.

When I meet a guy, I'm never intending to. It really does "just happen", when I'm out doing the things I enjoy doing. Some good ways to meet new people are to do the things you like to do: sports, volunteering for causes you care about, political involvement, book clubs, random social things like karaoke and pool. Going out with another single girlfriend makes you a total man-magnet. You have to get yourself around people. Eventually you will bump into someone you click with. Heck, I've even had guys approach me at the park, on the lake, wherever. Just get out and be sociable.

[wallflower77]

So basically I sent him a semi-nasty email and was like you couldve at least had to courage to tell me whatever, and he was really apologetic. It turns out that he ended up kicking out that roommate because she was lying to him, me and his other roommate. Apparently she told us she had HIV as a "social experiment" to see how we would react. Then when he said he wanted her out, she threatened to call the cops and say that he sexually assaulted her! He just thinks she's a compulsive liar and as I said in an earlier post, moved in quickly because of some weird situation lol. Anyway, I was so over him and am kind of interested in someone else so I think I'll just keep him as a friend and let it fade if it seems like its going in that direction. We'll see, but I just wanted to share that crazy story for all of my loveshackers! The truth really is stranger than fiction...

[Mary3]

I'd write him off at this point, regardless of whether he wants anything to be official, or if he's boinking his HIV positive roommate or not.

 

I absolutely hate it when men refuse to communicate, hate with the fire of a thousand suns. He is not a child, his mind and vocal cords function just like yours do, yet he sits there like a lump and says nothing or grunts out a grudging yes or no.

 

Blech.

 

A guy who won't talk to you when you are trying to communicate with him, especially when you are sharing your concerns that affect you both emotionally and physically, a guy who won't share his thoughts, and who IGNORES your emails where you do share your thoughts is rude, and unattractive. Plus, boring. You shouldn't have to pull words out of him with pliers.

 

There are better men out there. Go find one and forget about this guy.

 

I love this !