Just Desserts Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 This question is for all the long-term posters. I've read the threads of what brought you to this site (and truthfully, it has been inspirational to see how you could not only forgive your wife but also still find it in your heart to celebrate your love for her in your posts) but my question is: Why are you still here? Please know I ask that question with genuine curiosity, not judgment. I'm asking because, when my husband and I recover from this, I hope to be able to put it behind me and not look back. Every day is a conversation, a crying session, an emotional roller-coaster as we both deal with his pornography addiction, affairs, and my ONS. Why I'm asking you this question is because I wonder if I will still find myself dealing with this four years from now, even if we've both forgiven and moved on. Do you and your ex- still talk about it on a daily basis? Is it still a struggle to deal with the past? Or do you come here for some other reason? This is directed to all of you who have stayed here after the resolution of your situation (whether you divorced or stayed together).
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I'm not a vet, but I have a speculative answer: the vets are giving people, and the vets are not in this only for themselves. Just as they offer compassion to their mates, they offer compassion to the world. At least that's what I've taken from reading their posts. That you will get nowhere being in this just for your own personal gain.
Owl Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I'm here because I've learned something about myself through all of this...I've found that my experience through all that I've been through has given me a perspective that sometimes can help others. I'm well into/past a 'recovery' phase in my own situation. Its not something that I give much thought to anymore at all. Posting here doesn't 'renew' that pain for me in anyway...but posting here and offering advice and insight does make it seem like I'm paying someone back for the support I got when I needed it. I've found that I enjoy providing advice to those that need it, and get a sense of accomplishment when I see that my advice may have helped someone in some small way.
Ronni_W Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Because I know how much it meant to me when I was going through it, to have "vets" who were willing to stick around to share and care. (Though my 'healing journey' wasn't at LS.) So. "Paying it forward" is one reason. The other is plain self-interest...I just so love it if/when I can make a positive difference -- makes me feel good for weeks years. To answer the other -- it's really highly unlikely that you will be in the same emotional space in four years, as you are now. But. It sounds as if you two are trying to work it out together. If, in 4 years, either one of you still feels the need to engage in these same conversations to these same depths, then that would indicate that some reassessments and adjustments might be in order. At that time. At this time...just do as you are doing, and focus on your current healing work. Sending hugs and best wishes for good outcomes.
DealingWDrama Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I'm still in the drama phase...so I am not considered a veteran LS poster, but I can see myself coming on here to make things more and more clear to myself. I realize that my H's affair was the result of something he was going through at the moment an had nothing to do with his feelings for me. I learn more and more with each post I read. I think I am handling my sticky situation with class and hope to be able to help others from dropping their own baskets and realize that there are civil and correct ways of dealing with unfortunate situations that arrise in our lives. It has helped me to know that I am not the only one who has been through this or is going through this at the moment.
2sure Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I am not a veteran, here about 8 months. H and I are a year into recovery. I dont think there is a timeline for recovery. I think an affair, other marriage problems, crisis, are not something we stop thinking about...but something that we absorb into our lives. Its always there, part of the fabric. Posting and reading here has helped me attain milestones in recovery that I didnt even know I was striving for. I have found LS has filled a little part of my life that I currently have very little outlet for. Completely honest thoughts...no matter what. Food for thought. Sometimes in posting on someone elses thread, makes me reevaluate my own ideas. I need the outlet.
Trialbyfire Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Do you and your ex- still talk about it on a daily basis? Lord NO! We have talked about it since the divorce but not that often since he can't seem to move on, which I find emotionally sapping. He's been forgiven but there's no way...EVER...I would take him back. Is it still a struggle to deal with the past?Not a struggle but this situation, as well as others, have made me wary and a little cynical about relationships. Or do you come here for some other reason?I'm on LS because I've grown kind of fond of some of the regulars and also, want to put back my takeaway. It's also a window into different personalities and lifestyles. Human nature is endlessly fascinating. Much can be learned about self by observations of others. This is directed to all of you who have stayed here after the resolution of your situation (whether you divorced or stayed together).Divorced and gratefully so! I sincerely enjoy my freedom.
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