spike 1705 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Hi everyone and I thank you sincerely in advance for your patience in reading this and for offering any insights you can give me, especially from women. We were together for 5 years plus – living separately, as we both have a child – and have now been broken up for approx. 6 months. After meeting her I decided that it would be time for me to change just about everything in my life for the better. I gave up some vices, went back to study at university, became an attentive boyfriend for the first time in my life. Problem was that I took on too much at once; combining parenting, schooling, working and paying attention to my relationship was more demanding than I thought. When I qualified as a worker with troubled young people life became all that much more demanding and then my very old mum fell sick and three years into the relationship I was physically and emotionally supporting every significant person in my life – except my ex! Ultimately I was diagnosed with clinical depression and I managed to develop a terrific taste for alcohol, just to get me through. She was my complete support network, but it all happened by stealth. Neither of us realised the chemistry of the relationship had changed so much over time and, ironically, now I need that support network more than ever. Until the very day she let me go she was/is the most incredibly sensitive, supportive, nurturing and devoted person I’ve ever known and she supported me completely throughout the process. Her last email to me just prior to the break up ended with “for your beautiful eyes; I love you mister.” Just some context FYI; we didn't ever fight or even exchange harsh words, nor was there any physical abuse or the likes. Since that very moment she has been completely different - like she's had a personality switch. During my pathetic begging and pleading period of the next three months she was the complete opposite; like a light switch had been turned off. She looked at me differently, talks coldly in matter of fact way, is not interested in, offering of nor responsive to compliments or affection of any kind. She has stopped contacting me completely since the break up and it is scary because over such a long time that I knew I know her heart isn't that ice cold, She just went away, in every way. I’ve been off the drink, got myself very fit and done all the right things in the time since, but in my heart, even though I don’t want that old relationship back, I still miss her as a person very muchI miss her voice and her friendship. The last time we spoke about two weeks ago I asked her whether it was still the case that she needed a life without me in it she replied: “Yes, for now.” I asked if was OK for me to still imagine a day when we could somehow re-connect and she said yes. What does this all mean? I feel so lost – please help if you can. If you have been patient enough to read this I thank you. If you can shed some light on what is going on I would be very grateful.Love and good wishes to all. spike 1705[COLOR=#000000]View Public Profile[/COLOR][COLOR=#000000]Find More Posts by spike 1705[/COLOR]
quankanne Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 it means that while she was being your emotional support and strength, she got zapped emotionally. Not that she doesn't care for you, because it kind of sounds like she does, but she needs to be apart from you to heal/recharge. trying to be a source of strength for someone can take its toll, and pretty quickly when you're being pulled in so many different directions, as you well know. My guess is that she chose to pull away when she did so that she wouldn't move into the realm of resenting or even hating you ... which can easily happen when you're all gave out, and it feels like people *still* want more from you, you know? despite this break in the relationship you're experiencing right now, there seems to be a hope on her end that once y'all have gotten the psychological recharge you need, you'll be together then. So make THAT your goal, and stay on the strong and steady course – if you're taking meds to control depression or stress, don't go off them just because you're starting to feel better. It takes awhile for your system to absorb what it needs, sometimes years ... and try very hard not to be at cross purposes with your healing. Don't go on a drinky binge just because you think it'll make you feel better – alcohol is a depressant and just compounds the problem. your naggy old cyber mother has finished with the lecture now seriously, though, take care of yourself so that you can get back to that good spot emotionally, psychologically and physically. hugs, quank
Author spike 1705 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Quank, Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply. It gets rather confusing living in your own confused head sometimes and without the clarity of really understanding what has happened through another female's eyes is part of my learning process. I am most grateful that you would take the time. Love and Peace to You
Author spike 1705 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Hi Quank or anyone else with the patience to help me, You kindly took the time to reply to my thread regarding 'advice from women'. I soooo appreciated that, by the way. I've felt really alone with this and you helped alot. Since I posted the thread I've had two long (and pleasant) conversations with the ex, but, as usual, there was lots of half things said and some stuff I be ever so grateful if you might try and interpreting for me. I don't want to bother you too much, but I'd once again love your sagely advice, if you can find the time. She told me I was "loved and cared about", so that was kind of good. But she also said that "the energy was getting better until I came around to see her". I think that means she needs more time? She said she hopes she can get to see the other me, the way I am at work with the kids I work with, but that's really hard when I'm on guard all the time around her (egg shells). She said she hasn't been with anyone else in the six months we've been apart - and she's never lied to me about anything. When I asked her if she would try to reconcile in some way at some point she said yes. But she also said that when we were together that I "let her in too much." She said she hasn't taken down any of the stuff I gave her from her walls, but she has covered over two (of four) tattoos with my name on them, one with her son's name and one with a tree. With both have four tattoos with each other's name, but she said "I'd regret it" if I had hers covered over (not in a threateneing way, just like she thought at some point that I would actually regret it). And she also seemed concerned when I told her that I'd taken her art down from my walls (she is an artist). Like I said, an eclectic and kind of confusing conversation. Or am I thinking too much? Either way Quank and friends, I won't be posting any more questions as she agreed with me that the "only way to re-connect was to disconnect" and I promised I won't contact her. I am hoping the next time I hear from her it will be with really good news. But, just one more time could you cast your eye over what I learned today and give me an expert woman's opinion. I appreciate your kindness in advance. Good karma, love and peace.
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