Confusion

[Ocean-Blue]

I hope to get your thoughts on this.

 

What do you, when you are 27 and on the brink of marriage? Your family knows about the R and have, more or less, given their blessings (albeit a little begrudgingly). Your SO's family knows you well and seems to love you. They've fully accepted you.

 

That's me. This is where I am.

 

My relationship is a confusing one. I've only been in two relationships (with my ex and with my current SO). With my ex, he was the chaser. I was not very attracted to him and was very much indifferent to our R. I had resigned myself to marrying him because he was, I thought, a "good catch."

 

With my SO, I am the chaser.

 

Tonight, we had a discussion about our R. He told me that I was "desperate". What he means is that I constantly lament about all that is wrong with our R, want his time, want him and need him ALL THE TIME. I don't agree with this. Whatever issues I have had are a response to his apathy and indifference.

 

We began with so much promise...it was exciting. I fell madly in love with him and he with me (at least I thought). Now, we argue about "time" and "space"...I want his time and he wants space.

 

I want to be cherished. I want to be loved and wanted. I want someone who wants me FULLY.

 

I don't know what to do. I know I've done some really stupid and offensive things int his relationship. I have been a b1tch. But I've also been loving and tender...

 

He told me that he can't change until he sees me change. I have changed. And yet, it's still not enough.

 

What am I supposed to do? To be honest, I'm afraid... I can't face my family with this... I can't tell them I've broken up with him. They'll think I'm unstable and fickle.

 

I used to be intelligent. A good student who was on the "right track"... Now, I've become apathetic and consumed by this R. All I think about is HIM. Why doesn't he show his affection? Why doesn't he want me as much as I want him? Why doesn't he enjoy being with me? Why is this so hard?

 

[norajane]

Honestly, it sounds like he's not the right guy for you. He isn't giving you the kind of open affection and attention you need. That's making you miserable and yes, desperate, for crumbs of attention from him.

 

I'd say back off, wayyyy back, and he'll either notice that and "he sees me change", or he won't notice that you've backed off at all and you won't see much of him - in which case, you have your answer.

[Trialbyfire]

O_B, while I understand that your family is strict about certain issues, you're of the age that sooner or later they have to let go, to an extent.

 

With this in mind, I agree that you should pull back. Give him all the space he needs and more than he can stomach. What you want is a man who wants to give you his time. Don't settle for crumbs and for that matter, distancing can provide you personally with some space to get your head together.

 

What's happening is human nature. Each of you wants something the other person is unable/unwilling to give, so it becomes almost obsessive to get it, regardless if it's a true reflection of reality or not. Step back and reassess. While you can't do anything to change or control him, what you need to do is to control yourself.

[Ocean-Blue]

Well I talked to him and we've decided to go on a break. I made the suggestion and he agreed. He said it would give both of some time to think and "see what we're missing"...

 

I'm not even disappointed that he agreed to it. I am exhausted from trying so much. I am going to take this time to get back to being ME and forget everything else. I also hope to take this time to figure out if this person is really what I want.

 

Thanks norajane and TBF. I appreciate your input. You both are right. It's time to rein myself in.

[norajane]

Good for you for doing the hard thing, the right thing for you.

 

It's important to pay attention to your instincts - if you're exhausted trying so hard to have a relationship with someone, it's good to recognize how hard you're working at it and that it really shouldn't be such an uphill battle.

 

Good luck to you - hope you find some clarity and peace soon.

[Trialbyfire]

A relationship should never be this much work. It means that either one person is doing all the work or there are serious compatibility issues.

 

Reassess during your downtime. Just don't use the downtime as a means to get back his interest. When you do this, one of two things happen:

1. It renews his interest, then his interest wains again, due to issues not being resolved thus manifesting once again.
   
2. You pine away for someone who isn't going to be there for you.
   

Collect yourself as an individual. Let him come to you but with sound reasoning of why it should continue. If he can't provide rational reasons why the relationship should be allowed to continue after the break and what broke the relationship including his portion of the issues, then it's time to consider a permanent break. "I love you" isn't enough for a viable relationship.