luciian Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 my fiance of almost 2 years cheated on me with a friend we have a 4 month old baby, and he said it was only once and confessed because he felt terrible he says he really regrets it and said i kind of pushed him since i was always accusing him of cheating im so heartbroken and hurt i dont know what to do i forgave him but i cant seem to forget it im trying my best but i just cant we always fight now because of this because i just cant forget he says to leave it all in the past and thats what im doing now .. any advice..?
carhill Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 PMC (pre-marital counseling)....don't get married until you've worked this out. I don't care if it takes a couple years. I'm sorry to hear this happened. In the future, and I think you'll learn this in counseling, do not accuse someone you love of betraying you unless you have verifiable proof and are willing to act on it. The act of accusing serves to erode trust. You sound young, so I know you didn't have life experience to draw on for this, nor perhaps did he. Your counselor will likely suggest that you both accept the pain of the actions and work to rebuild your relationship on new terms. It'll be a lot of work. Look at your baby and know that it's worth it
BikerBeagle Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Seriously, it is extremely rare for a relationship to survive infidelity. As carhill stated, it's a lot of work and, frankly, I don't think your fiance has what it takes to do that. He might've confessed, and 'regrets' it, but he still isn't willing to take responsibility for it because he's blaming it on YOU. I don't care how 'accusing' of him you were, it's still no excuse for what he did. You have a baby, and that's sad in this situation, but I would not advise putting yourself back into this relationship ...all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. You'll never be able to forget.
Ronni_W Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 he says he really regrets it and said i kind of pushed him since i was always accusing him of cheating No matter what you said or accused, he is 100% responsible for his actions -- that is just him trying to deflect and turn you into a "guilty party", too. You are not even partially to blame for how he reacted to your accusations. That's a load of crap. If you had suggested that he might be a drug dealer, was he going to take that up?...what?...to prove you "right"? . Do not buy into that; do not take it on as your failing. Possibly you are having difficulty forgiving him because, as BB says, he is not owning his 100% responsibility...he is not holding himself accountable for his own actions. I'd find it difficult to forgive someone who keeps trying to put (some of) the blame on me, too. Once you have tried everything you can think of to forgive him, and nothing has worked then, yes, your only recourse is to leave. Your relationship will never be all that loving, supportive relationships are supposed to be if there is also unforgiveness about such a major issue as this. OTOH. Have you worked through the insecure feelings that led you to accuse him of cheating in the first place? It does NOT excuse his behaviour. But it might be something that will interfere with your positive experiences in all your romantic relationships, whether you stay in this one or move on. I am sorry that you're going through this. Sending hugs and wishes for ultimately positive outcomes.
stillafool Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 It's a bad sign that he is blaming you for his cheating. There are no excuses. What will be his excuse the next time? Also, since you guys have a little baby why such a long engagement? At any rate I would wait to marry him if I were you.
hopefulInFuture Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 While I think everyone can make mistakes and only you know whether he still deserves trust from you, I don't think that you're responsible for his actions. Maybe you two should just take some time off away from each other and think about what you really want. There definitely are reasons for why you don't trust him and he's definitely not doing the right things to regain your trust. I am not saying that he was at fault with your original trust issues. I won't know. But I think you both need to work on your issues first independently and then together if you both decide that you want to be together.
carhill Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 OP, question: How long, prior to his infidelity, were you actively accusing or intimating directly to him that he was being unfaithful? Like the others said, he bears responsibility for his choice; however, this a great example of how relationships can erode absent the scourge of infidelity, simply by actions and words. Your work will be to understand, process and learn from the mistakes you made. Your fiance has his own work. If your fiance came here, I'd be talking to him about his work. He's not here If you want your relationship to survive, I would not recommend disengaging (as in spending time apart). IMO and IME, spending time apart, when a couple is engaged and has a family already, essentially works just like a marital separation, which is to encourage and/or validate living and functioning separately rather than as a family. I've seen this dynamic personally in my own M. I won't write more until you come back with further comments/opinion. Good luck
EmperorR Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 ah, my fiancé of three years cheted on me, I can feel your pain. As well she blamed me like I opened her legs and invited a stranger in. As another poster said it's their guilt they don't want to bare. He's remorseful you say, hmm when my ex cheated on me, first few weeks I was blaming myself, I would recommend going nc or lc to clear your mind so your thinking rationally.
SgtPepper Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Yes, you can forgive, but that does not mean you take him back. My ex cheated on me, too, and as much progress as I have made in getting past the pain of the loss, I am still working on forgiveness for giving away our intimacy. I will forgive, eventually, because I don't want to carry this around forever. However, I will never take her back because a.) she takes no responsibility for her cheating, and b.) I will never trust her again.
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