shockabsorber Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 My friend just found out that I got back together with my ex and she is mad at me about it. She asked me why I got back with her and that she cannot believe I did! She makes rude comments about my ex and how she thinks we wont last. When my ex and I broke up earlier, I had asked my friend if she wanted to date because I felt there was chemistry between us and we had shared a few intimate moments. She turned me down saying that we wouldnt work out. Is this girl mad at me because she wanted to date me or is it just some sort of girly territorial thing making her worried she will lose me as a friend? If she just sees me as a friend, then why does she get intimate with me? I have posted about this somewhere else in the forum, but i think I rambled too much on that one.
PrincessPeach Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 What sort of time scale has all this happened in? Were you and your friend intimate at all while you were still dating your ex the first time around? Do you ex and your friend have any good/bad history?
alphamale Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Is this girl mad at me because she wanted to date me or is it just some sort of girly territorial thing making her worried she will lose me as a friend? it's the latter...
Author shockabsorber Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Alphamale...I would agree with you except that I dont know why she would want to get intimate with someone that she sees only as a friend. Maybe she is open minded like that? Princesspeach...to answer your questions. What sort of time scale has all this happened in? It happened over 2 years. she told me that she used to like me when we first met but that she changed her mind when she found out i had a gf. Later on when I asked her out, she said she knows me too well and it wouldnt work. Were you and your friend intimate at all while you were still dating your ex the first time around? Yes, but she was the one who always initiated it. Even after I broke up with my gf, she would occasionally get close to me, but always on her terms. I was not allowed to make any moves on her...she always backed off if and when I tried. Do you ex and your friend have any good/bad history? No they dont really know each other...they have met only a few times.
Javelin Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Were you and your friend intimate at all while you were still dating your ex the first time around? Yes, but she was the one who always initiated it. Even after I broke up with my gf, she would occasionally get close to me, but always on her terms. I was not allowed to make any moves on her...she always backed off if and when I tried. She would never date you, because you're not loyal. Is that not obvious to you?
Author shockabsorber Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 you got a point there Javelin. I do wish nothing had ever happened between us. It has only made things complicated. It is not an excuse, but things were not going well with my gf at the time and I just couldnt resist when she made a move on me. I do feel used by her and the more I try to distance myself from her, the harder it gets to stop thinking about her What goes around comes around I suppose.....
Author shockabsorber Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 hmmm....seems like the site is not too supportive to people after they have screwed up/cheated. I only see a lot of replies on posts where people are unsure about what to do, who are on the verge of cheating or leaving someone and everyone seems to advise them to stay with their significant other just to "save the marriage/relationship"...even if they are totally unhappy with them. What's that all about? Isnt happiness what we are all looking for in life? I'm sure if you're in an an unhappy marriage/relationship it not only affects you but your partner as well. If you leave that unsatisfying relationship you risk hurting your partner initially but in the long run, it has to better for both of you rather than being stuck with each other in a self imposed prison sentence in your own home. I know I screwed up and I am wrong for doing that, but I didnt come to the forum to be judged. I am looking for opinions and support from people who have been in similar situations and can offer me advice on how they dealt with it. Well anyway....I just wanted to give an update on what is going on with me in case anyone else is in a similar situation. I decided to talk to her about her reaction and bring it out into the open instead of sitting around and wondering and driving myself crazy. She says she was not upset that I got back with my ex because she wanted to be with me but because she felt like she would get to spend less time with me and hang out. Also, we have some common friends who she felt were protecting me by not telling her that I was back with my ex....so she felt left out from the circle. She also threw me a bone by saying that she would have dated me if I knew how to talk to her and touch her heart...which she said only a few people know how to do and apparently I didn't. According to her this was the only thing that was wrong with me. Although at that time it kind of soothed my ego, now I find it a little insulting...it almost sounds like the "It's not you...it's me" line. I understand that she does not want to date me anymore...but still a part of me hopes that she was lying or being too proud to admit that she does have feelings for me...she is very stubborn by the way. She has a hard time showing her emotions since she feels that people can take advantage of her if she does. So basically, I learnt a lot last night and I am going to try to see our relationship in a different light. I want to still be friends with her since we really like being around each other. But how can you remain friends with someone you have feelings for? And I'm sure it will negatively affect my relationship with my gf who I'm trying to fix things with. I cant have my cake and eat it too though....looks like she may have to be let go sooner or later
spigweed Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Why don't you be blunt and just flat out ask your firend? The only issue is that she may lie if she wants everything to be on her terms. Also, why are you back with your gf if you like someone else? It's not fair even to you. Just tell your ex you are not into her and call it quits. You are obviously into your friend but I think you are one of those guys who like to chase and your friend is a challenge because it's all on her terms and you have no control so it drives you nuts. I bet ya that if she gives in, you'll be like ha it's not fun anymore. Think about it. Do you want to lose her as a friend? I think she sees this about you and doesn't want to lose you from her life.
Author shockabsorber Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I have asked her out...she seems receptive if I tell her it's a dinner date or whatever as long as I pay the bill But if I bring up actually dating each other, she seems quite apprehensive. Now that she knows about me being back with my ex, she tells me that she is trying to work things out with her ex since last week as well!! I'm not sure if she is saying it to make herself feel better or to make me regret my decision. Maybe that was what held her back from me...although she says she cannot stand her ex. The reason I got back with my ex is because we have the same interests and ideals and people say that it is more important than physical attraction since that fades away but it is important for a couple to have the same interests and goals in life. On the other hand, my friend and I have different views on things and sometimes it is good to hear the other side of things. I think more than anything, it is the sexual chemistry that I think we have. I dont have that spark with my gf I would like a married person's opinion on that...does that intense physical attraction fade away after being married for many years? spigweed, maybe you are right. I may lose interest after the chase is over.
PrincessPeach Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I think your friend just enjoys having a certain amount of control over you. Likes to toy with your emotions because she knows she can. I would generally advise against getting back together with exes. I would also advise cutting off the friendship with the other girl. By the sound of it, she doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you. Additionally, in your case, I think remaining this girl's friend would be a disrespect to your girlfriend as you clearly have feelings for her and would let her take advatage over you from that. She doesn't want to lose you as a friend because she feels she has power over you. She doesn't want to lose someone she has power over. She wants everything on her terms and she doesn't like that somehing might happen between you two that is on your terms rather than hers.
Author shockabsorber Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks Princess Peach....it is good to hear that. I agree with you and I've felt that way, but I needed to be around her. Not hearing from her or seeing her for a day or two would normally drive me crazy. Now since I've given this a lot of thought and tried to change things, I feel less dependent on having her around me. It does make me feel free and I dont find myself feeling as unhappy and helpless. I have been trying to focus on things with my gf now and trying to find that spark! I have not been calling my friend as usual and I've been distancing myself from her. I know she can sense it since she is being nicer to me now. I do think that she has been using me to stroke her ego because when we met today she said something like..."I dont feel pretty or wanted" a couple of times. I'm sure she is saying that to get something out of me, but I didnt give in and just brushed it off.
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