beautifulearth83 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Hello Everybody! I'm not sure If I've posted about this before, but I need to attempt to get this off my chest at least a little bit. I'll try not to make it too long. Before I start I just want to say thanks for being there and that I'm happy and thankful to have a place like this to talk things over. To put it as simple, straight-forward and fluently as I can, I feel like I have a lot buried inside that I'm terrified to face. One moment I will be happy and going with the flow of life and the next moment I'll feel this fire inside that burns for my attention. I start thinking about things like past relationships and what I might have done wrong. I think about how I live far away from my family and wonder if it's the right thing. I end up thinking about how much I love them and I feel like I'm going to shake or cry and I distract myself and try to think about something else. I also think about mistakes I've made in the past either while drunk or not. I think about people's feelings I may have hurt and I think about things that I've done to disrespect myself. I also think about friends and other situations. I think about the things that I love doing and I get scared. It's like I'm scared to feel good, I'm scared of a good thrill, I'm scared of my heart. I feel like I have anger inside too. Anger toward myself and anger toward others from the past that I didn't express because I was too nice and focused on being easy-going. Then the future scares me too. I worry about the death of family members or friends. I worry about my death and how I'm taking care of myself physically and mentally. I'm also scared to be in a relationship or fall in love. I just feel like there is a lot of repairs I need to make. I have such a hard time moving on without judging myself. I don't feel like a good person. Not like I used too. Sigh. Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry if it was stupid.
Meaplus3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 ..., I feel like I have a lot buried inside that I'm terrified to face. .... I also think about mistakes I've made in the past either while drunk or not. I think about people's feelings I may have hurt and I think about things that I've done to disrespect myself. I also think about friends and other situations. I....I feel like I have anger inside too. Anger toward myself and anger toward others from the past that I didn't express because I was too nice and focused on being easy-going. ..... I'm also scared to be in a relationship or fall in love. I just feel like there is a lot of repairs I need to make. I have such a hard time moving on without judging myself. I don't feel like a good person. .... Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry if it was stupid. Sounds like your sort of overwhelmed right now and that's very common for everyone to go through from time to time. Since you have so many worries, have you ever considered speaking to a therapist? Therapy can be very helpful to sort things out. Most important, try not to be so hard on yourself. Take small little steps each day it will make things easier. Best of luck. AP:)
Trialbyfire Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 We are our own worst critics. Our imagination blows past mistakes to gargantuan proportion and we hurt ourselves by self-flagellation. Not a healthy way to handle your past. You need to learn to forgive yourself by realizing and accepting that you are not perfect and hindsight is 20/20. Learn from your mistakes but try not to dwell on them. The next time a similar situation happens, you now have the experience to handle it a different way. Even if that doesn't work, there's always another way and another way.
citizen67 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Not stupid at all. Very human. You are very focused on the past and the future. How are you in this moment? Right now? Read (or listen to the audiobook if you arent a reader) some Ekhart Tolle - "power of now" and "new earth" - I promise it will answer your questions.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Thanks everybody you rock. I'll check out those books for sure.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference." You might benefit from a 12-step program like AA, even if you feel that you're not an alcoholic. No, you don't have to go to the meetings. Just get the book, it's really good. Another book I like is Dr. Phil's "Self Matters". Even if you don't like Dr. Phil. It's the type that has tons of writing assignments, forces you to really look at your life, but in a good way.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 Thank you! I will! You rock.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 You must be my clone. Except for the death part. I know exactly what you are going through. Maybe you need to see a doctor like I do. I have been diagnosed with a minor case of depression and anxiety. It too have problems with strange mood swings, feelings of hopelessness, over judging myself, fear of falling in love. For me, I would prefer to be dead. Not saying I am suicidal, but unlike the average person who fears death for they want to still experience the world, I am not. I even sometimes as God to deliver me unto death than live being in the condition I am in. Be well and know that you are not alone in this. Find someone you can talk to outside of your fields of friends and family. Open up to them about the secrets that you leave buried inside. I won't say it will make it go away, but I will say it is a relief to be honest with someone were you are afraid to share with your family and friends. <Gives you a big virtual hug.>
Author beautifulearth83 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks Angel...big hug to you too!
Author beautifulearth83 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Not stupid at all. Very human. You are very focused on the past and the future. How are you in this moment? Right now? Read (or listen to the audiobook if you arent a reader) some Ekhart Tolle - "power of now" and "new earth" - I promise it will answer your questions. Hey citizen67, just wanted to let you know that I checked out quotes from both of those books and they opened me up to some things. Just wanted to say that and say thanks a lot! Take care, BE
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