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My journal showed me what I REALLY thought about our relationship


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Posted

I just had one of those "ah ha" moments. I am in Week 5 of "the break up" and in an effort to resume normal functioning, decided to clean out my work bag and make sure I didn't forget to pay a bill or something like that. I found my journal, which I had been writing in on a fairly regular basis for the past year up until the break up. I used the journal for any kind of thoughts: career, finances, home improvement ideas, etc., but when I started flipping through the pages, I realized that more and more I was writing about my relationship. And, that I was not happy. I was tired of being the maid/personal shopper/gardener/cook/personal attendant. I realized that my life was horribly out of balance. My partner had become everything to me, which is not a healthy way to live (A chapter in "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers goes into detail on why we become devastated when a relationship ends if we allow our relationship to become our whole life--highly recommended reading).

 

So, for the past five weeks I have been crying, lamenting, wishing, hoping, bargaining, you name it over the end of a relationship that I wasn't really happy with in the first place! I do still love my ex, but I suspect it is my ego that has kept me trying to hold on to something that was not all that good for me. I was cheated on and that hurts. There is a child involved, so NC is not an option. However, I do realize now even if my ex asked me to take her back today, I would be a first class fool to do it. My advice to others in the early stages of the break up is to feel your feelings, but when you have those windows of clarity that should be starting to increase in frequency and duration by now, really think back. Were you really happy? Maybe you have just been idealizing something that was starting to break a long time ago.

 

And, as for the journal, I just marched out to the solar compactor here at the campus where I work and set it free. That was my old life and it is time to start a new journal that focuses on my new life.

Posted

bravo!

this was an insight for me. ever since the break up i have been wondering why it affected me too much when i was unhappy in the relationship.

will check out the book you mentioned.

 

good luck to your! keep marching hehe :p

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