Lee2 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Hi everyone, Myself and my Wife went on holiday a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed ourselves. 5 days after coming back following an argument she walked out with my 8 year old daughter. Since then I've tried every approach. I've tried making her cd's, love notes, talking to her but everything leads to an argument. I love her so much and didn't see this coming. We've been married now for a little over 11 years during one of our conversations she said I should know why she left. She would not say for so long but after a while she said it was because she doesn't love me anymore. She hasn't for some time. She says she's been thinking about this for ages and wants her life back. She's sick of us arguing. Me too. She's now moved in with her mum in a small attic room (according to my daughter). She's letting me see my daughter whenever I want so that's one good thing but I'm not ready to let go yet. I don't know what I'm supposed to have done and for the past 7 days there isn't one day where I haven't been crying to myself or crying to her begging her to come home. All this is met with a horrible cold indifference. I bought her a laptop in April and since then she has spent an enormous amount of time on Facebook with her friends. I have no doubt she is getting advice from them. Of course she denies this. Even when we were on holiday she spent a lot of time on facebook. After crying fits on the phone last week, I thought the best thing to do would be to give her a break and time to think things over. So I haven't spoken with her since Sunday. I only called today because my Daughter said she had come home from work today ill. So I called to see how she was. The tone in her voice however as soon as she picked up the phone was nothing short of vile. I am being as respectful as I can but I just feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and now being made to feel guilty for it. Everytime I speak with her now it seems as if she's someone I don't know. The last time I spoke with her was around 3 hours ago and I was told her I was calling to say that I loved her. She simply said, Lee, No, you've been told. My parents are giving me support but since she left I'm all alone in the house and I still Love her, I miss her beyond belief and I can't / don't want to accept that my marriage may be over. What should I do?
trueblue72ny Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 i think you are right to just leave it alone and give it space... there is a no contact guide on here posted by caliguy. and some other good posts on here that are very helpful. i m sorry to hear you are going thru this. i got dumped just over three months ago and still i have good days and bad days. hang in there. we are here to listen and help!
markyboy1983 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Sorry to hear ur story buddy. My girl and I went out for about 2 years, and she just broke it off with me. We haven't spoken since Sunday like u. There is no easy around a break up/divorce/separation. They all hurt the same. I've cried about 5 times today and its only 4pm here in NY. There are good and bad days. It kills me not to call my ex, but it is the best thing. I understand my 2 year relationship is nothing compared to 11 years and a daughter, but I feel the hurt is the same no matter how long someone was in love whether its 20 days or 20 years. Just believe that it will get better. Know that as much as it hurts right now, it can only get better. Keep on, keepin on buddy.
Author Lee2 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 I agree with what you say about good days and bad days, I guess we have to be strong. The same here, it's gonna kill me not calling my Wife but I'm gonna give her time and space now to come to a decision. Calling all the time is not helping either of us. One of my biggest fears also is financial. She claims she wants the house but if I were to transfer it into her name then she wouldn't be able to pay the household bills and mortgage. She only has a part time job. I don't think I would be able to afford it on my wage alone either. I just don't think she's thought it through. And with the housing market being as bad as it is now, what options are there?
sad&lonely Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 My gf of 1.5 years broke it off a couple weeks ago i have kept in touch and we are friends but there hasnt been a day i havent cried.. i think the no contact is something we must all go by even if your in a 11year relationship.. i cant even imagine your pain but we all hurting here. Iam thinking of going on a vaction or something to get my mind of it for awhile.. maybe you can do something similar. the more you stay in the house and think about it the more crazy and sad you become atleast thats what i noticed. I hope one day i will get over this and im sure you will too.. just keep fighting and let those emotions out only way to start to feel better slowly.
Author Lee2 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Just a quick update. I've spoken with my Wife this afternoon and she said 'listen to this Lee, because it's the last time I'm gonna tell you, Me and you are finished, never gonna happen, we're not ever getting back together'. She's told me she's going to rent a house for her and my daughter to live in and then then slammed the phone down on me. All throughout this I stayed calm. I've tried calling her back to discuss this further but she won't answer the phone. I'm going to let her have the house as she requested as there is hardly any equity in it, however I know she can't afford the mortgage so how would she pay for that?! She claims she will get help from the state and reduced payments in other areas as she will be a single mum but I'm not so sure. In one way I feel relieved as I can now move on with my life. I wish she'd at least discuss it or go to counselling but she wont. I know it's been less than 2 weeks since we split but the way in which she said that sounded so final. So I think it's time to move on. Feeling very numb right now.
Author Lee2 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 my question now is how long do i wait before i give up on our relationship? My wife left with my daughter 2 weeks ago tonight. We've had many discussions since then but they end the same way. With her telling me she doesn't love me anymore and to leave her alone. I don't know what to do now. I love her deeply and i want to fight for our marriage, but how is that possible when she does not want to even try?
emmanuel Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Lee, I am new to the board and my gf of 8 years just left me, so I am feeling close to you and your 11 years. I was 5 weeks in Europe, we had the absolute perfect relationship and for no reason, boom, its over...out of the blue. She moved to her best friend 1 week ago and I am truly devastated. Now here is the thing...HAVE GRIEF SUBSTITUTE BT GRACE....meaning when a woman moves out from a relationship she won't come back if she sees weakness and crying from us. So, I ahve been crying all day today BUT I am not calling her, I will stay strong and proud, even if I am feeling like slashing my wrists... I feel alone and abused but I want to show her that I can be strong....
ThomasX Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 To both lee and emmanuel, thats terrible. Very terrible. You have to step back and see that it's THEM who has the problems-- and therefor, guess what? YOU'RE BETTER OFF! You know how your friends say it's your PARTNERS loss? Yeah, they aren't just saying stuff to make you feel better-- they see your relationship and the girl you love, for who she really is. And I can tell that she has some problems, easily. Especially you, Lee. Emmanuel, I feel for you about how everything is perfect, then everything goes boom. There's no easy way to recover except to understand you'll get better, but especially that you aren't alone. I know how it feels, because it is happening to me right now. My gf just broke up with me a week ago. I thought everything was perfect-- I mean sure, I made a few errors here and there like not laughing as much as I could've-- or not showing emotions like I should have-- but I treated her right and gave her space, but never too much that she felt like I didn't care. Sometimes it just does not matter-- girls are crazy. There's not always a rhyme or reason... they're just crazy. Not all girls, granted. (That's my disclaimer for the girls reading this lol). I feel both of your pain. That sharp feeling under your heart, in your chest... like a shock of electricity combined with acid... yeah, I feel that too. You guys aren't alone. When you go to sleep tonight, just take refuge in that. You aren't alone, and you never will be. Others are going through the same right now, too. Also keep in mind that you always have YOU-- and you don't need anyone to validate YOU. You will never leave yourself-- you can always depend on yourself. Go to sleep feeling safe and secure, cuz you can never lose you.
Author Lee2 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Now here is the thing...HAVE GRIEF SUBSTITUTE BT GRACE....meaning when a woman moves out from a relationship she won't come back if she sees weakness and crying from us. So, I ahve been crying all day today BUT I am not calling her, I will stay strong and proud, even if I am feeling like slashing my wrists... I feel alone and abused but I want to show her that I can be strong.... I agree with you totaly emmanuel. I have not called her today and don't intend to in the near future. Guess we must be strong no matter how hard it may be.
Author Lee2 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 .I feel both of your pain. That sharp feeling under your heart, in your chest... like a shock of electricity combined with acid... yeah, I feel that too. You guys aren't alone. When you go to sleep tonight, just take refuge in that. You aren't alone, and you never will be. Others are going through the same right now, too. Thanks for the support. Those words spoke to me.
Author Lee2 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 I've not contacted my wife since Monday but today she has text me asking if she can take £100 out of the bank. Every month she spends all her money early and borrows off me until she gets paid. Is it just me or is this totally out of order now. She left me 2 weeks ago and now she's asking to take money from our account which is effectively mine?!! I haven't replied but if she asks again later I'm gonna say no. Am i right?
skinman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Lee, I feel for you my friend . my wife of almost 16 years dropped the same bomb on me 2 weeks ago saying she didnt love me and wanted me out of her life that we would never be together again. said for me to leave her alone and move on with my life. I know its a hard time now because i am having such a difficult time dealing with my own separation. I would recommend not contacting her and live as if your marriage is over. Its going to be tough but hopefully as i am hoping that she will eventually miss you and initiate contact. Be strong and try and live for yourself. If you ever need an ear send me a PM I would be happy to listen and help you through this. Be strong and God bless. Your not alone Friend. Skinman
Author Lee2 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 thanks for those kind words skinman. She called me this morning (3 days into nc)and asked if she could take the money from our account but i kept it business like and said no, you haven't been paid yet. She said ok, paused and then bye. I guess i'm leaving the joint account as is because i so desperately want her back. My head is in such a mess. I still love her.
Author Lee2 Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 I broke nc today. I had no choice, my wife text me to tell me she is transferring her cash into a separate account. She still maintains she doesn't love me, hasn't for some time. I've now made an appointment for some legal advice. I have to secure my financial future. She can't just walk out on her financial responsibilities, can she? Thankfully she is being good with access to my daughter. She's staying with me tonight while my wife is out with friends. I guess i have to accept that my marriage is over, even though it's killing me. I also feel i have to take legal advice now. Am i right?
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