can i get another chance?

[nab0610]

ok long post but i really need some help/advice/anything please

 

ok well i've posted on here before about this topic but in different terms...back in march me and my ex ended a 1.5 yr relationship on relatively good terms...as good as you can in my opinion anyway

 

i'll start with things were great for us for a long time we started dating in november of 06. we lived in the same dorms. we went our seperate ways for summer. when we came back the only difference was she got a job at college and i bought an xbox 360.

 

now this was no big problem but then halo 3 came out (i was horribly addicted to halo 2 btw as in i f'd up hs...lost 99% of my friends...played 60+ hrs a week...college was my 2nd chance). i started playing it and was just having fun playing it with my friends and being just a normal gamer. well then i started to get higher up in level and was only a few away from the highest. well my friends were no where near as good as me so i would exclude them sometimes to try to get my level.

 

heres where the problems started because i started to make up excuses to my girl who had always come first because i just wanted that level so bad. at first she didn't seem to mind seeing it as just a phase. then she seemed to get irritated and started hating halo and my xbox in general.

 

heres about how my daily agenda would be. about 4 days a week spend the night at her place wake up go to class come back to my dorm. play halo she would stop by before she went to work but i would just meet her outside. then i would play halo the whole time she was at work (some w friends, most not) she would get off work and i would either (go sit in her car and we'd talk for 15-20 minutes or i'd go meet her outside and she'd come in for about an hour or i'd go get in her car and go back to her place) well you guessed it on the nights that she went back to her place i stayed up till 4, 5, 6 in the morning and pulled all nighter about once every 2 weeks sometimes more.

 

somehow i was able to hold everything together and keep things going good between us (yes i know i was a bit of an ass, but i still treated her well).

 

in about february we got in a big fight about her smoking cigarettes and me playing halo and i got really frustrated (denial about being addicted) and told her i thought it was best if we were just friends and i went home. I grabbed a fifth sat down drank myself stupid and played halo all night long. 2 days later i called her up and told her i'd made a mistake. we met up talked a little bit, but never really got to the roots of our problems and got back together.

 

a month later she broke up with me saying she wanted to be single and experience the college life? it killed me because i'd thought things were getting better between us...

 

ok so i tried to quit playing just because i knew i needed to, but i couldn't i didn't have anything to do when my friends weren't around...and those late night cravings were always still there...

 

over the summer i sold my xbox because i just couldn't take it anymore. i never told her and hardly talked to her, but when we did it was nice friendly conversation.

 

when i came back to school i bought my xbox back again because i had nothing to do and well i'm starting to see those same signs comng back out in me.

 

if you don't understand anything above please let me know and i'll see if i can better explain it

 

 

OK so now present day i pass by her every now and then and we've talked even laughed together but basically just in passing moments or a quick conversation...everythings been friendly and we've exchanged compliments

 

in a perfect world i would call her up and tell her i messed up and i missed her. I'd say i let video games take over my life and ruin it i let them crush me and destroy me and my personality. Then i let my pride get in the way and didn't open myself up to you about it. I've had alot of time to think and I want you to know that i'd give up every moment of joy i ever experienced from playing video games and never play them again. Just to have another moment with you.

 

this is not something that i just thought of over night its been on my mind for a long time...

 

I would like more than anything to try because i can't stand what if's and i still love this girl.

[UnamedSeven]

Yeah, i remember back in the Day of Halo 2 and just last year when Halo 3 came out. I was alright but i can only sit down and play for just a little bit of time and lose interest (Generally because of how much my teams sucked or I sucked)

 

Anyway, I'm not seeing as to why you can't tell her all the stuff you said in that last Paragraph. I know it can be hard to admit all of that, especially to her face, but you may have to do so in order for there to be another chance. I know what it feels like, to be where you are right now. Back at square one with a girl and her being completely oblivious to how you really feel. The only thing you can do is tell her that your a changed person along with everything you mentioned in that last paragraph. Good luck and i hope there is a future for you and her.

[lofi_tokyo]

somehow i was able to hold everything together and keep things going good between us (yes i know i was a bit of an ass, but i still treated her well).

 

Nope, you took her for granted. You weren't holding things together at all. They seemed to be going good, but if you were being a bit of an ass, believe me it was hurting her, she just hid it from you.

 

 

in a perfect world i would call her up and tell her i messed up and i missed her. I'd say i let video games take over my life and ruin it i let them crush me and destroy me and my personality. Then i let my pride get in the way and didn't open myself up to you about it. I've had alot of time to think and I want you to know that i'd give up every moment of joy i ever experienced from playing video games and never play them again. Just to have another moment with you.

 

No no no! I'm guessing your current idea of a "perfect world" is getting her back right? Well telling her all the things you've just written would not work out perfectly - they'd probably push her away. When a girl breaks up with you, the absolute WORST thing a guy can do is be all apologetic and weepy right off the bat. Its kind of unattractive.

 

I have no idea if you can win her back. Part of me thinks you had your shot, and her perceptions of you are kind of fixed, but hey, you never know!

 

So what can you do to win her back, or try anyways? Let her re-fall in love with you on her own terms. You can't make her come back, or win her back by your own design. The best thing you can do right now is be a great guy to her, not ROMANTIC, just a cool guy she'd like to spend more time with, show her how fun you can be! I'm sure she has good memories of you, so play into those, let your actions give her the opportunity to hold onto those memories, and not the ones that lead to the breakup.

 

Someday, if you get back together, maybe while things are starting up again - when you have her officially hooked. Then you can be cute and apologize for taking her for granted. That would actually be a good move THEN. Once you're building new good memories. Right NOW if you try to bring it up, it will only bring up the bad memories, and remind her WHY she broke up with you.

 

So thats my advice.

 

One other important thing, and this is something I've danced around by telling you not to spill your guts is...

Don't show you're still in love or want her back. Trust me, I'm telling you this right now, its unsexy. Girls like mystery. Girls like wondering "man... does he still like me? I can't tell? Hes so funny and cute wow... I miss that... will anything happen?" They don't like groveling boys who lay it all out!

 

Try to get over her, and do your best to hide the fact you still like her. Maybe then you'll win her back!

[justaman99]

I would avoid saying "i have changed". This is very cliche and somewhat scripted and typical. An apology might be more appropriate. Tell her you are sorry for not giving her and the relationship the time and commitment it needed to thrive. I will agree though that being honest with her is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her and any chance of reconciliation. A woman appreciates honesty as anyone should, but she'll respect you more for looking her dead in the eye and telling her the truth, showing that you're human but also man enough to tell her your problem and willing to work on it for the benefit of your relationship. That shows more than anything else will. Remember, look her in the eye when you talk to her. If you look around the room and not focus on her this body language shows insincerity and deceit. I know its tough and your nerves can get the best of you but this is where confidence comes in.

 

Good luck,

 

-Just

[lofi_tokyo]

I would avoid saying "i have changed". This is very cliche and somewhat scripted and typical. I will agree though that being honest with her is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her and any chance of reconciliation. A woman appreciates honesty as anyone should, but she'll respect you more for looking her dead in the eye and telling her the truth, showing that you're human but also man enough to tell her your problem and willing to work on it for the benefit of your relationship. That shows more than anything else will. Remember, look her in the eye when you talk to her. If you look around the room and not focus on her this body language shows insincerity and deceit. I know its tough and your nerves can get the best of you but this is where confidence comes in.

 

Good luck,

 

-Just

 

This would have worked if you were still dating and she still loved you but was angry. Now that shes moved on it wont work. Believe me I know. ;p

[justaman99]

This would have worked if you were still dating and she still loved you but was angry. Now that shes moved on it wont work. Believe me I know. ;p

 

I'll agree that if too much time has passed the odds of this having any effect is slim but everyone's different and if he wants to put himself out there and tell her the truth it's never too late. The truth is you don't know what she's thinking. He just can't expect her to say ok let's get back together and it will take care of the what if question he wants to avoid.

 

This approach does work even after dating. Some women will show they have moved on but in their mind they haven't. Some wish that their ex would come back and be a man about certain things and some don't. Again, everyone's different.

[nab0610]

ok thanks for the replies. i think i'm going to go for it just trying to figure out what to ask her.

 

maybe something like hey can we talk?

[lofi_tokyo]

Justaman makes a valid point when he says that sometimes a girl breaks up with a guy because she has to. She isn't happy with the way things are going, she loves the man though, and wishes he would change.

 

So yes, MAYBE talking to her straight up will work. It could be what she wants. But...

 

In all my experiences where my female friends have dumped their boyfriends, they DID NOT LIKE when he, months and month after the fact, admitted to still being in love.

 

I'll just tell one of the stories with different names.

Katie and David dated for... I think it was just over a year and a half. David kind of neglected Katie after the honeymoon period ended and it made her upset. They started fighting tons. It was really awkward actually, because on group outtings they would quibble about the STUPIDEST things. For example, I liked David's jeans once and told him so, and he said "yeah its because I roll up the cuffs of them", it was a really weird response, but I guess it was mentioned as an attack on Katie, who at the time didn't like cuffing her pants and let the bottoms tear. They got in a monster fight over it. In the end, she broke it off with him.

 

6 months after the breakup, they started hanging out as friends. We (my group of friends) were all pretty happy because while we never totally warmed up to David, we all shared a ton of mutual friends, so it was nice that the two of them were on good terms, because it made social gatherings generally more easy on everyone.

 

About a month into being friends, David admitted he never stopped loving Katie. Now, let me tell you, I'm pretty sure Katie still loved David at the time. Even if she had moved on, I think a HUGE part of her heart missed him, so I suspect she would have liked to see where things went. But David never let things build back up, he wanted to cut to the chase, and he needed to let his heart say the words he had been keeping silent for 6 months. He spilled everything out, and Katie got scared.

 

Things never worked out, Katie backed off, and thats that.

It was so awkward writing that with totally made up names. Oy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I'm trying to say... do what you need to do. Justaman COULD be right. But you need to realize that, because you've been broken up since March, there is a high possibility it will freak her out a bit if you're still deeply attached. Even if she can see herself loving you again, or maybe never fell out of love really, its honestly very weird knowing a guy waited that long. It really truly is.

[nab0610]

i was planning on saying something along the lines of the games blurred my vision and now i can see things more clearly and i've had alot of time to think...or something along those lines not exactly sure

[lofi_tokyo]

Thats not a bad thing to say actually. Don't imply you've changed for her though, but maybe casually bring up how you were completely absorbed into that game, and you regret wasting so much time on it. You can even apologize for taking her for granted, but don't go any further. If you keep it that basic, you'll be communicating to her that you've changed, and that you realize you made a mistake. If that was the big reason so the split, maybe she'll think about how great you were otherwise, and now that you've changed the big deal breaker, you're a catch again. So yeah. Good strategy. It may or may not work. Its been a long time. You may not get her back ever, no matter what you do, but best of luck all the same.

[nab0610]

yea thats pretty much what i'm aiming for...i've been thinking about it for a lil while now but never really formulated things...

 

so i'm gonna give it another week to think it over and make sure its what i really want to do...then ask her

[justaman99]

I'll share with you a little bit about my history. Maybe it can offer you something.

 

I broke up with a girl about a year ago. We remain(ed) in contact, while limited, we did. I did the typical things when we first broke up of course. These things don't need to be explained. We've all done it.

 

So after months of really taking a look at myself, this person I was with and the relationship I began to think differently. As we continued to remain in contact I never in our discussions brought up the relationship. I never said I loved her, missed her or pleaded with her. I did all that almost a year ago, I don't need to anymore. What I did do was apologize to her for the mistakes I made. I didn't say any crap about how I changed or how I want her back. I looked her straight in the eye and said simply. "I am sorry. I am sorry for not being a strong enough man for you. I am sorry for being a coward when things got tough and ran from our conflicts. I am sorry for acting like a child. I look back on the way I dealt with things towards the end of our relationship and even shortly after and am embarrassed at how I behaved and for that I just wanted to apologize to you."

 

That was all I needed to say. I said it for her because she deserved that apology but I also did it for me. I didn't care what her reaction would be. I could care less if she laughed in my face. Of course she wouldn't but that is how important it was for me to suck it up and express myself and understand myself more and deal with this directly. In my past relationships I was never very good at communicating my real feelings and views and I wanted to prove to myself that I could put myself out there without fear. The best damn thing I ever did. I showed to myself that I can deal with things more responsibly and maturely in my future with a respect for others and myself regardless of the situation. As a result of this I know that she has a greater respect for me as well. If that turns into something between us then let's see where it might go, if not I'm still a better person for it and the entire experience including our failed relationship.

 

-Just

[nab0610]

hmmm well thats good food for thought i'll keep it in mind over the next week...