lovingme Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 about 8 months ago, i met this guy on a forum. i am a single, 28 year old mom. i look 19, and i have never gone on the internet looking for love, or anything like that. well, 8 months ago, one of the users changed his avatar to a head shot, so i sent him a private message saying "you are gorgeous." he responded, very eagerly, (i also had my head shot up as my avatar so he knew what i looked like) and we hit it off as friends. long story short, he was 24, a single father (his son was a year older than mine), in college, had a place of his own, and only lived 4 hours away. we talked night and day. it wasn't our intention to fall in love, but we had so much in common and our current lives just "fit" together so well, that we did. he was so mature, we both had a love for 80's music, for having fun, small things got us excited, we were the couple that everyone would've hated, and wanted to be. i craved him, i missed him, and he could never go more than an hour without at least texting me with "i miss you." we talked about the future, and FF a bit, we kept trying to meet. everytime the day came to meet, something tragic would happen. i was upset, but forgave him because we literally had a perfect, flawless relationship. he had a myspace, and i saw his pics, but he told me he didn't own a camera. i never doubted the photos because he wasn't really that attractive. you figure, if someone is using someone else's pictures, they would've picked someone hotter. i had never heard his son, or anyone else in his family, and he was always doing sketchy things. he proposed to me, over the phone, last month, and went about looking at reception halls. he looked at houses near me, and even looked at cars for our family. he was so mature, my exact match, we talked endlessly. he spent his days on me, and i spent my days on him. well, a few weeks ago, i was hit with a bombshell. because i had never met him and he still didnt own a camera, i wasn't going to be stupid about all this. i questioned and questioned, until he finally broke down. he had been lying about his age and where he lived, and his son for 7 months. he said he couldn't tell me the truth because so much time had passed and he was in such a deep hole, and he wanted to get married so badly that he didn't tell the truth. he was scared i would leave him. he's 18. he lives at home. he has no son. which is why i never heard him, and he could never see me. the really horrifying part? the pictures were of his friend. now, he still is the same person. with the same goals. with the same interests. the same voice. he now sends me current pics, all the time. he wants to get married, next year. he said he never lied about his feelings. he never lied about who he was as a person. we still fit, perfectly. it took me a lot of tearfilled days (he had involved my son, parents, and friends) to get past his lies. but i understand why he kept up with them. yes, i would've left him 7 months ago had i known he was 18. plus, since we had met on a forum, he had already posted information about himself, so when we started talking, he had to keep up with them, which is what started the hole he dug.. so my question, do i keep going with something that completes my life and heart, and we are compatible, and let him show me (like he has been) that he is 100% serious? he even wants a child with me, he never appeared as a "child" to me through this whole thing, he's more mature than i am. he calls my son his step-son, and is very interested in hearing about him. or do i walk away and date someone older, for the sake of my son, because of our age difference?
CarrieT Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Don't walk - run away. He is not the same person you fell in love with because you fell in love based on not just one lie, but a whole facade of who is was. How can you consider basing a future with someone who started out lying to you? What else is he going to lie about later?
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 It is understandable to be friends with and even maybe to feel like you are in love with someone you have never met in person. But that is not a relationship. You were never the perfect couple, never the couple everyone wanted to be. You had never met. Everything he told you was lies, except for his feelings. It is possible of course for you to forgive this. You state that your child and parents were involved in this relationship. How involved could they be with just a picture, no information, and a voice on a phone.? I dont want to belittle your feelings, because clearly they are real. The age difference matters, but is not something you cant get around. What is very, very worrisome is that you are nearly 30 years old and responsible for a child. Your priorities are not rational. You are not making decisons based on anything relating to the real world. Except your feelings. They are not the most important factors here. How is this man going to help you independently raise your son? Do you support yourself or live with someone? Can you support him as well? What factors in your REAL LIFE and his real life can tell you that marriage and a successful family are a viable option?
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I think you're in love with the idea of the guy and not the reality. He spent months constructing a fantasy for you and it's hard to let go. It does sound like you're a little vunerable and have been duped. I do feel for you, it's a tough place to be.
Ronni_W Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 There is a bigger age gap now than will exist in about 7 years...his chronological age means that he is still missing/awaiting some major life experiences that he will, under normal circumstances, have accrued by his 25th b/day (give or take.) I get that he is mentally/emotionally mature for an 18 y/o...BUT it's still just "for an 18 y/o". He simply has not had the time to transition to full adulthood. Your risk, as far as I can tell, is that he will, in 2 or 3 years, feel the natural tendency to explore the world further than whatever will be his 'zone/boundaries' at that time...and such an exploration is usually undertaken as a single person. That just seems part of the aging/maturing process, in my observation. Not that it WILL happen, just that there is the risk of it happening. I wouldn't walk away because of the 10-year age difference. I'd walk away if I am not prepared to accept that risk for me and my son. Devil's Advocate. It sure does sound as if you two will have a whole lot of fun and create many happy memories in the meantime...risk of major loss and heartache somewhere in the future, notwithstanding. (((hugs))) Tough decision: choose happiness or choose safety. My heart says stay with it as long as it helps to fulfill you and make you happy. But my head is a big chicken...it says "Run away before you hurt yourself." But then again, I always advise to follow one's heart -- "better to have loved and lost, etc."
flc Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You should do what you should have done 7 months ago, meet him in person. It is beyond my comprehension that someone can develop a relationship without every meeting the other person. It seems to happen but it is so alien to me. Also recognize that even though he is 18 he is living at home which means his parents come into play in this.
Author lovingme Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 thank you all for the replies, i wanted to comment individually, but that reply was too long. yes, i am still stuck on the fantasy he created. the fantasy of "we are perfect for each other, and do you really want to walk away from something so perfect?" but i need to meet him. now that i know his age, i have a feeling that it's going to cause me to be standoff-ish in person, so now i'm the one putting it off. i'm scared to hurt him. he's stuck in the "i will never have something like this with anyone else, don't patronize me because of my age," so he won't let go. despite the amount of heartache and pain he caused me, i can't do the same to him. i'm having a hard time letting him go, and everyone's answers are making me realize that i should let him go. i brought it up to him that he won't want this in a few years, and he gets really upset with me. he even bought me an engagement ring that i've seen. my family and friends would never accept him as 10 years younger than me, so we'd be lying for life, pretending he was only 4 years younger. he looks older, so it's believable, but do i really want to do that to myself? i wish to god that everything he had told me had been true. i went through a bad depression over it, and the fact that he still appears to be the same guy, with the same goals, and emotions, and who he is a person is very confusing to me. but i want the 24 year old. with the 6 year old son. the plans we made with our kids. we even looked at a trip to disney. how do i let this go without ruining the future that he wants??
flc Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You have to be responsible for you and your child not him. He lied to you so he has to live with the consequences of that. Based on what you just wrote I would break it off completely and go no contact.
jwi71 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 thank you all for the replies, i wanted to comment individually, but that reply was too long. yes, i am still stuck on the fantasy he created. the fantasy of "we are perfect for each other, and do you really want to walk away from something so perfect?" but i need to meet him. now that i know his age, i have a feeling that it's going to cause me to be standoff-ish in person, so now i'm the one putting it off. i'm scared to hurt him. he's stuck in the "i will never have something like this with anyone else, don't patronize me because of my age," so he won't let go. despite the amount of heartache and pain he caused me, i can't do the same to him. i'm having a hard time letting him go, and everyone's answers are making me realize that i should let him go. i brought it up to him that he won't want this in a few years, and he gets really upset with me. he even bought me an engagement ring that i've seen. my family and friends would never accept him as 10 years younger than me, so we'd be lying for life, pretending he was only 4 years younger. he looks older, so it's believable, but do i really want to do that to myself? i wish to god that everything he had told me had been true. i went through a bad depression over it, and the fact that he still appears to be the same guy, with the same goals, and emotions, and who he is a person is very confusing to me. but i want the 24 year old. with the 6 year old son. the plans we made with our kids. we even looked at a trip to disney. how do i let this go without ruining the future that he wants?? He's 18. He has yet to even live on his own - he is not even responsible for himself, much less a wife and child. What he wants? Did you know what you wanted at 18? He has no clue what he wants. He is a young man, some might even say a child. No way is he ready for anything remotely close to the reality of life with a wife and kids. You will do what you want, but I say get rid of this boy and find a real man who is self-reliant, has a job that can support a family and is emotionally ready for such.
me4u2 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I agree strongly with the post above. This coming from when I met my husband just shy of 18 and married just after turning 19. The love/lust he has for you now, is in no way comparable to what someone of your age is capable of, not to mention the emotional immaturity that goes along with the lack of experience with someone that age.
sid3 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Absolutley Amazing. Why would any self respecting person allow themselves to be played like that. Really creepy is about all I can say. What's most disturbing is your worrying about what he wants and not hurting him. UMMMMMM HELLO!!! I'd say if nothing else, maybe you'll realize that you should listen to your instincts, there was a good reason you were questioning and questioning. You have absolutely no idea who this guy is, kind of scary if you stop and think about it uh.
lilcoco Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 thank you all for the replies, i wanted to comment individually, but that reply was too long. yes, i am still stuck on the fantasy he created. the fantasy of "we are perfect for each other, and do you really want to walk away from something so perfect?" but i need to meet him. now that i know his age, i have a feeling that it's going to cause me to be standoff-ish in person, so now i'm the one putting it off. i'm scared to hurt him. he's stuck in the "i will never have something like this with anyone else, don't patronize me because of my age," so he won't let go. despite the amount of heartache and pain he caused me, i can't do the same to him. i'm having a hard time letting him go, and everyone's answers are making me realize that i should let him go. i brought it up to him that he won't want this in a few years, and he gets really upset with me. he even bought me an engagement ring that i've seen. my family and friends would never accept him as 10 years younger than me, so we'd be lying for life, pretending he was only 4 years younger. he looks older, so it's believable, but do i really want to do that to myself? i wish to god that everything he had told me had been true. i went through a bad depression over it, and the fact that he still appears to be the same guy, with the same goals, and emotions, and who he is a person is very confusing to me. but i want the 24 year old. with the 6 year old son. the plans we made with our kids. we even looked at a trip to disney. how do i let this go without ruining the future that he wants?? Girl, he's 18 years old. He'll get over it. It's time you put your well being and your child's well being before this liar. I dated a younger guy for 4 years who was 10 years younger than me (and he didn't lie about it) - at first he seemed more mature and he appeared to know what he wanted in life, but as time went on our paths went in different directions. Why are you so concerned about hurting him? His lies caused all of this pain and destruction. RUN AWAY as fast as you can and find someone who can be honest and upfront about their situations.
sultry33 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Dont really know how to reply to this Age difference is important if long term as it will just lead to more lies I too have dated younger guys but they was always honest upfront as was i. I think the false profile is a big red flag and also the continued lies Whats also worrying is that you shared so much with him without meeting him:confused: have you no sense? i know you say you are not used to the internet but seriously you be easy prey for the wrong guy. I cannot see how you could have a relationship with someone who from the start was a complete lie break ties now and be very careful in future as a rule i dont disclose personal info on any profile you will be ok you just must stay strong and get busy with your child dont stay with a liar .
Mary3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 It goes much deeper when a desperate 18 year old proposes to a woman he has never met. He must feel the great need to be needed by someone. Which leads to the depth of his self esteem and how you will be treated in life. I say meet him and find out illusion from reality ( if you want to give this guy a sliver of hope./ chance ) I know most say NO WAY JOSE but if you want to close this session then meet him. See if its all fantasy or reality. I know you bonded based on his LIES, The real question is : Has he been truthful SINCE revealing all the lies. Have you stressed he must never lie again to you ? It would be harmful to any future developing relationship ? Give him a chance or dump.
SushiX Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I can't remember how many times I said I wanted to marry my exes. Now that i'm 28, I'm terrified about the thought of marriage. lol. But yeah this is one scary story. I always try to meet someone I met online within a month of talking to them. Get yourself out of this fantasy now. Meet him for what its worth and decide from there.
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