charm1234 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 A little less than 4 months ago I started dating this guy, we're both in our late 20s. I knew from a mutual friend that he had recently gotten out of a serious relationship (of about a year), but they hadn't lived in the same city for about 4 months. Knowing all of this when we started dating, I made the decision to not bring up his ex, ask him questions and I also did not want to bring up mine, and the baggage I carried. I wanted to approach our dating a different way than I usually do, not to talk about emotions, expectations, etc too soon. We took things slow, he treated me great, things were going well. We were having a lot of fun. Or so I thought. He invited me to a wedding in which I would meet his parents. Three weeks before the wedding he took me out to a nice dinner, afterwards we walked to the subway while holding hands. Then as we parted ways he says "I like you a lot, I have so much fun with you, but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship". So without hesitating I say "ok so this is breakup?". He wanted to take a break and I said no, immediately what went into my head was that he was just trying to break it to me gently. And if I were to give him that break, more than likely it wouldn't help all that much. He still wanted to hang out and asked if I would go to the wedding with him, but I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I just wanted to rip the bandaid off. My question is, was he just letting me down gently? Or could he have been telling the truth that he wasn't ready? I'm certainly not going to wait around for him, but just wonder if I should throw the idea of maybe us getting back together down the road.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 3 or 4 months seems like a good time frame to know whether you like someone enough to imagine a future. Choosing to not lead someone on is a good thing. I mean, we can like someone and enjoy them, but know there is not a serious future. I would appreciate the heads up and let him bow out. He invited you to the wedding because the invitation came well before the actual event and he had to reply. He replied two were attending so he needs to bring a date. Since you do enjoy each other's company you could still attend together. He rightly did not want you to assume that meeting his parents at the wedding was a stepping stone in your relationship. It seems fair. Since you would rathar move cleanly on, you are under no obligation to be his date unless you really think you can have fun.
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 When a guy tells you he is not interested in a serious relationship, believe him. A break would have accomplished nothing, except to make him feel better about dating other people while he also hangs out with you. You did the right thing IF you do want to be with a guy in a serious, monogamous relationship. If he changes his mind because he misses you or because he dates some more and realizes he'd rather be with you, then he knows how to find you. But, it's more likely he will date other people and you won't hear from him.
Author charm1234 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Thanks for your response, what you say seems completely reasonable. Funny things is when he initially said something about taking a break, he mentioned one of the issues was our communication, i.e. not talking about the past. It's funny because I am normally a great communicator, get everything out on the table, not afraid to ask questions, etc. But because of recent experiences I decided to take a different route about talking about the past. So it was like a slap in the face saying I didn't communicate. I suppose I thought I was respecting him, giving him time, taking it slow with my approach. I suppose it's not to say that it wouldn't have worked on another guy, guess it's all trial and error. You win some, you lose some. There were just so many good "signs" with this one, hard to let go of hope. I guess I'm just going to have to at least throw it out for now, though.
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Nice of him to blame you for the lack of communication. Were his lips sewn shut and he couldn't bring up things he wanted to talk about?
Author charm1234 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I know! In my angry phase, well you could only imagine what was going through my head.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Hey, just like an election - the losing candidates are asking themselves what they could have done differently. But there is no magic bullet. Had you talked about your past, worn red instead of blue, admitted you liked opera (or disliked) it wouldn't have created real chemistry where there was only a spark. He was a nice guy that got away, and not the one for you, so it's just as well.
Author charm1234 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I suppose I'm just trying to work through things so I can improve upon myself for the next go-round once I'm ready. Then again, if it's right there probably won't be a question of whether or not I should bring it up.
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Your best approach is to be yourself, behave naturally, do what feels right to you. The right guy will be attracted to you the way you are; the wrong guy will not. If you change your normal behavior and a guy is then attracted to you, well, what happens when you revert back to your usual self? He won't like it. So, a no win for any of you.
Author charm1234 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 You're right. Why is it so hard to tell ourselves that when we know it's the truth!
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You're right. Why is it so hard to tell ourselves that when we know it's the truth! Because we get lonely, or feel impatient waiting to meet someone who appreciates us as we are. So we try different things. But, the right person is worth waiting for, so don't give up - just enjoy your life as you're living it.
Recommended Posts