jasperlynx Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 If everyone remembers my previous post, I am more or less seperated (her wish) from my wife of 15yrs and still at home because of financial reasons. (I guess) . I avoid the issue when i am at home, with questions like...." What is the plan? What are we going to do? How long are we going to live like this?). I have small children and she has made comments in the heat of arguements like ..im just using you until I get a job and my youngest goes to school..next year. I dont want to leave because I love my wife and want things to work out. But for 6 weeks now nothing has changed. Still living upstairs. Working day and night to support my family and miserable because i dont think my wife appreciates it. She does not work. Should I lay down the law and say "we need to resolve this now" or just let things ride and try to be nice and see if things work out. Right now she is at the "its done" stage. We speak daily about the kids and issues but never about us. im confused what to do.
TrustInYourself Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 If everyone remembers my previous post, I am more or less seperated (her wish) from my wife of 15yrs and still at home because of financial reasons. (I guess) . I avoid the issue when i am at home, with questions like...." What is the plan? What are we going to do? How long are we going to live like this?). I have small children and she has made comments in the heat of arguements like ..im just using you until I get a job and my youngest goes to school..next year. I dont want to leave because I love my wife and want things to work out. But for 6 weeks now nothing has changed. Still living upstairs. Working day and night to support my family and miserable because i dont think my wife appreciates it. She does not work. Should I lay down the law and say "we need to resolve this now" or just let things ride and try to be nice and see if things work out. Right now she is at the "its done" stage. We speak daily about the kids and issues but never about us. im confused what to do. Did you read my post to your prior thread asking for answers?
skinman Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Friend, that sounds so much like my story we tried the same thing for a month... got to the point where I was driving her crazy and she was sending me mixed signals... you know how it ended up... yep she threw mw out 11 days now and we have barely talked... she wanted her space so now i am trying to give it to her....... if i was in your shoes knowing what i could have done differently.... i would have left her alone... better having her there and not having her........ then not having her at all... so my advice... stick it out as long as you can my friend... you know where i am and how hard it will be to get to where ai want to be..... "home" thinking of you buddy....... keep strong !!
Author jasperlynx Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Sorry what post are you refferring to?
TrustInYourself Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 My bad, must have been someone else. Practice mental judo.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You are going to have to be proactive here...and your actions could either lead to the divorce she says she wants OR save your marriage. Someone needs a wake up call here, maybe both of you. She cant say your marriage is over and hold this over your head for a year. Thats a crappy way to act, a crappy way to be, and a crappy thing to do to your family. And you cant just roll over and give her the impression you will help her do all this. Finaces are going to be an issue now and a year from now. Your youngest starting school or being home isn't going to change the fact that child care will have to be arranged. Kids rarely go to school during the exact same hours someone works. Move out. Move to your mother's or a friends if you have too. Pay the mortgage if you can and give her 17% (court ordered minimum in most stares) of your income. You will be broke, and she will have to figure out how to pay everything else. She will have to consult an attorney who will explain to her that she will have to sell the house and that she may be entitiled to some short term spousal support but usually not both. She is going to have to look for a JOB. You may not want to do this to your family, but she needs to realize it is one way or the other. AND that these are the same things she can look forward to as much as she says she is looking forward to your being gone.
jmargel Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Jasper.. do you roll over and piddle on yourself everytime she steps in the room? My god.. Listen, I've been on here a few years and from my own experience I know now what works and what doesnt. You are tolerating her disrespect and she is not facing any consequences for her behavior. You continue to work and pay the bills while she loafs around the house making you feel like crap. You are at the point that you not only need to show confidence but live it. Let her know that there is the door and she is walking out of it. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Make her leave. Either she leaves or she gets counseling. The decision is to be made this week. It's time for actions, not words. As long as you continue to be disrespected that's what she will continue to give. Push yourself away from her, entirely. No 'I love yous', no trying to 'make things better'. What you want is a resolution to this, and the only way to get it is to stand up to her.
TrustInYourself Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You should be walking around with a big dumb smile on your face at all times. You should be happy and funny. Your wife should think WTF whenever she looks at you.
Author jasperlynx Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I have 2 small children and this is so hard. They have no idea what is going on. I could walk around with this dumb smile on my face or I could I could sit down with her and give her ultimatums(which im sure would piss her off). what is she says ( then leave, if you cant handle this) that would mean ...first I would have to get a dingy room somewhere and then I would be hit with the legal aspects of the abandment. It would be definitly over. Or I could stay , be nice and funny and act like everything is ok and be miserable. I dont know what to do. She cannnot leave. It is her house(her name) and how could I ask her to leave and leave her children, that is wrong.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Jasper. First, the fact that this is her house and in her name speaks volumes. BUT - this may be quite freeing to you regarding legal obligation. Is the house paid for?? Next - please look into what qualifies as "abandonment" in your state. There are several factors that have to be met and they vary. Do something to help yourself. Your wife is seeing you and treating you like you are useful but basically inept. Is this the case?
TrustInYourself Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I have 2 small children and this is so hard. They have no idea what is going on. I could walk around with this dumb smile on my face or I could I could sit down with her and give her ultimatums(which im sure would piss her off). what is she says ( then leave, if you cant handle this) that would mean ...first I would have to get a dingy room somewhere and then I would be hit with the legal aspects of the abandment. It would be definitly over. Or I could stay , be nice and funny and act like everything is ok and be miserable. I dont know what to do. She cannnot leave. It is her house(her name) and how could I ask her to leave and leave her children, that is wrong. So what are your actions conveying? Are you scared or are you the ****ing man. Be the man. Not just for yourself, for your kids. Also you want to accept the end. It's coming. Only after acceptance can you act rationally. Accepting the end, doesn't mean embracing the end. You have a chance to be happy. Have hope, bro. I went through the same stuff and I came out with a stronger marriage than before. Read my name and apply it. You're not chopped liver, so stop acting like it. Put on that smile and live.
me4u2 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 What an awful situation. She's using you and you know it but you want to save the marriage so bad that you can't do anything but follow what she says. Mix in the young kids and it's heartbreak central, everyone walking on eggshells and nobody getting anywhere when it comes to progress. I seriously think you need to consult with an attorney. This living arrangement it going to cause more problems to the marriage rather than fix them. I don't care who owns the house and what she says. In addition, you can do everything she asks and if she's not ready to make a move or effort, it's not going to make a bit of difference. Help yourself instead of her right now.
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