julkat Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I thought I was having sex with a friend and neighbour. We've known each other for about 20 years. I know he's separated from his wife but would like to reconcile, although up until yesterday she has been resistant. I also know that he has an interest in another woman, who is married but whose husband is moving out this month. When I write this down he doesn't sound like much of a catch. I'm separated and trying hard to divorce my husband, so I am single in my mind. Yesterday, the other woman he's interested in came to his house while we were having morning coffee after the night before. He asked me to wait quietly in the bedroom. She stayed about 5 minutes, just stopping in before going to work. My heart was pounding. When she left he told me not to worry about her, that they aren't going anywhere in their relationship. When I was leaving his house, he told me for the first time that he loves me. Then I went home and got an email about the date of my company christmas party. I have no one to go to my party with because I haven't been dating for the past 3 months. I don't go out in public with my neighbour/friend because ..... he's still married. And then it really hit me. I've gone from having the most amazing sex of my life with one of my best friends, to having an affair, complete with emotions on both sides, with a married man. Like everyone else here, I want it all. I don't want to quit him, but I never want to lay quietly in a bedroom again waiting for someone I love to finish up with someone he loves. I told him this morning that I won't be in his bed when he comes home from work tonight. That this is really hard for me and I need some space. He undertands. But he said he doesn't want me to move too far away from him because he wants me with him. He said he loves spending time with me, likes to know that I am at his house waiting for him to come home, etc. Damn. How do I get my head and heart to align?
wildsoul Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Finding yourself in the position of hiding/being-hidden must have felt horrible. In moments like that, any denial we might have been operating under crumbles. I don't know how to tell you to align your head and heart, but perhaps you might give some thought to your minimum boundaries. Refusing to be hide your relationship with him from others might be one of them. Asking for space while you sort it out sounds like the right thing to me.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I'm sure the fact that he chose to hide you, from this woman in particular , made you feel hurt to say the least. As things are changing in both of your lives , this is a vulnerable time. You both seem to understand that this may not be the most perfect time in your lives to enter anything but a casual relationship. He had previously acknowledged to you that he might have some interest in this other woman. Thats ok. It sounds like when he hid you, you both did some thinking. Is it possible he realized at that moment how it might have made you feel? Is it possible that while speaking to this other woman with you hidden in his bedroom he did not like what he was doing? Also - isn't it likely that given the fact that he is still married , he would have chosen to protect you by hiding the fact you had spent the night?
norajane Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 He wants to reconcile with his wife, yet he's with you and he's interested in the other married woman you had to hide from? It sounds like he's got a lot of irons in the fire. Do you really want to be one of his options he's got the hots for, when he is your ONLY one? I'd suggest you back off until he figures out what he's doing with his marriage. He's not available while he's married and wanting to reconcile. Not in his heart, despite his telling you he loves you. He's not done with his wife, AND he's already eying yet another woman who isn't you. If he's your one and only, then you are not in an equal partnership. He's got 3 women on his mind, not just you.
jwi71 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I thought I was having sex with a friend and neighbour. We've known each other for about 20 years. I know he's separated from his wife but would like to reconcile, although up until yesterday she has been resistant. I also know that he has an interest in another woman, who is married but whose husband is moving out this month. When I write this down he doesn't sound like much of a catch. He isn't. Yesterday, the other woman he's interested in came to his house while we were having morning coffee after the night before. He asked me to wait quietly in the bedroom. She stayed about 5 minutes, just stopping in before going to work. My heart was pounding. When she left he told me not to worry about her, that they aren't going anywhere in their relationship. When I was leaving his house, he told me for the first time that he loves me. Run far and fast and don't look back. OMG. Un - effin'-real. You know, if that relationship wasn't going anywhere there is no reason to stuff you in the closet. And why on Earth did you allow him to treat you like that? Sorry, but that is so disrespectful to you. Like everyone else here, I want it all. I don't want to quit him, but I never want to lay quietly in a bedroom again waiting for someone I love to finish up with someone he loves. If you don't run now, this is your life. Which will it be? I told him this morning that I won't be in his bed when he comes home from work tonight. That this is really hard for me and I need some space. He undertands. But he said he doesn't want me to move too far away from him because he wants me with him. He said he loves spending time with me ...unless his other love arrives unexpectedly then you get stuffed in the closet. Look, this guy is trouble. He has you, another and a W. He doesn't want you to move while shoving you in the bedroom telling you to be quiet while his other woman is there. Sadly, you are neighbors. So, move. Then never ever contact him again. He is a bad seed. Run.
2sure Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Yeah. You know after reading the other posts...I have to agree. He is not a gentleman.
Author julkat Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Wow, thanks for the mixture of compassion and advice. That's certainly what I needed today. I have felt paralyzed by my mixed emotions. I believe that he did have a bit of an eye-opening when the other woman he's interested in showed up. He said he hasn't spoken with her in person in two weeks. He felt really badly at his reaction to me being there and asking me to go to the other room. We have been growing closer by the day and he said he just didn't know what to do and couldn't think quickly. I haven't gone to his place today. He's away at work and I'm usually there when he gets home, but he knows I'm not going to be there tonight. We have talked a number of times today and he said he's worried about me. Tell me to cheer up - we'll figure this out. He said he never planned on developing feelings for me either. I've known him for such a long time and he is a good man, although, as I said, he sure doesn't sound like one right now when I write what's going on. My dilemna is how to stay somewhat close to him so that, if he and his wife don't reconcile, and he doesn't pursue the other woman, I'm still near his life and he mine so we can assess whether there's anything there to build upon. Yet not cross the boundaries we've been crossing daily that now seem so wrong but feel so good but which leave us building a potentially toxic relationship both now and for the future. Boy, this stuff is really hard.
norajane Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 My dilemna is how to stay somewhat close to him so that, if he and his wife don't reconcile, and he doesn't pursue the other woman, I'm still near his life and he mine so we can assess whether there's anything there to build upon. Yet not cross the boundaries we've been crossing daily that now seem so wrong but feel so good but which leave us building a potentially toxic relationship both now and for the future. That's your dilemma? How to wait around so you can maybe settle for being his third choice, IF you are so lucky as for him to choose you at all? Give more thought to why you don't think you deserve a man who chooses you first, without hesitation.
wildsoul Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 That's your dilemma? How to wait around so you can maybe settle for being his third choice, IF you are so lucky as for him to choose you at all? Give more thought to why you don't think you deserve a man who chooses you first, without hesitation. Harsh, but true. In this day and age, you don't have to worry about making it easy for him to find you. He'll come looking--guaranteed. But that isn't exactly flattering, yanno?
frannie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I know he's separated from his wife but would like to reconcile, although up until yesterday she has been resistant. I also know that he has an interest in another woman, who is married... Yesterday, the other woman he's interested in came to his house while we were having morning coffee after the night before. He asked me to wait quietly in the bedroom. I told him this morning that I won't be in his bed when he comes home from work tonight. That this is really hard for me and I need some space. He undertands. But he said he doesn't want me to move too far away from him because he wants me with him. He said he loves spending time with me, likes to know that I am at his house waiting for him to come home, etc. Damn. How do I get my head and heart to align? This is completely and utterly disgusting to read! Do you even realise how it sounds? I think you have an inkling, but for others not involved it just looks (because it IS) SO WRONG. He's making you his third choice. And you're sitting there quietly in the bedroom? What's more, he 'understands' but he wants you with him? Is there no end to this man's balls? Why are you taking this? You go to that party alone if necessary or find a date, any date, and leave this horror of a 'man' in the dust... please!
Meaplus3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 This MM needs to figure out his marriage first. IMO, if you know he has intrest in making things work at home then why are you wasting your time on him? AP:)
DealingWDrama Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I have a crazy little suggestion about your company Christmas party...how about hiring a date for the night - you can give specifics and the date will adore and have a good time with you...no strings attached. Have fun!!!! AND STOP lurking in closets. You're divorced. You're single. You don't have to wait around for someone to decide if they want to be with you or not...
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Yesterday, the other woman he's interested in came to his house while we were having morning coffee after the night before. He asked me to wait quietly in the bedroom. This guy is keeping his options open and he definately is NOT inlove with you, nor does he have any respect for you. Do yourself a big favour, break it off with him and heal yourself and when you're ready, date a single guy who will treat you right. This guy is SCUM, so don't fool yourself into believing he deeply cares for you..
Mino Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 This is completely and utterly disgusting to read! Do you even realise how it sounds? I think you have an inkling, but for others not involved it just looks (because it IS) SO WRONG. He's making you his third choice. And you're sitting there quietly in the bedroom? What's more, he 'understands' but he wants you with him? Is there no end to this man's balls? Why are you taking this? You go to that party alone if necessary or find a date, any date, and leave this horror of a 'man' in the dust... please!YOU should have come dancing out of the bedroom... kiss him on the cheek and left for good
Mino Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I have a crazy little suggestion about your company Christmas party...how about hiring a date for the night - you can give specifics and the date will adore and have a good time with you...no strings attached. Have fun!!!! AND STOP lurking in closets. You're divorced. You're single. You don't have to wait around for someone to decide if they want to be with you or not... great advice for the christmas party !!
Author julkat Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 In my head I know you are all correct. What the heck is the matter with me?!?! He's having dinner with the other woman right now - she kicked her husband out last weekend. I feel rejected, alone, and sad. I wish I could take all my feelings, put them into a box and drop them in the lake. Arrrgh. Being single and alone after so many years sucks. I spent so much energy on my 20-year marriage and neglected building a life independent of it. My husband has a girlfriend and money (our money-bastard) I am left with debts, children, responsibility and alone. Waah. Sorry guys, pity party night. I guess I should put the red wine away and go to bed.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 You need to close your heart to this MM neighbour and fast. He is keeping all his options open and sure, he may have affectionate feelings for you, but he definately isn't inlove with you, nor does he have any interest in one woman at a time. Sorry you're hurting..I hope you can find the strength to stay away from him, even if he comes to you later, or tomorrow - Tell him goodbye. If you continue on with him, you'll continue to be hurt. Focus on getting your divorce, talk to your lawyer and get what's yours from your soon to be ex husband. Money wise! He shouldn't be spending your money, especially with another woman.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Maybe what you need to do is stop worrying about him and interferring with his marriage and focus on dealing with yours. It makes no sense to bring someone in to the turmoil your life is already in. If your single in your mind, then you finish the process the right way and the pain and confusion your feeling won't exist. Find love the right way and you will be far better off. Secondly, maybe you should think about this... Is separated really single? Or just another phase of chaos and uncertainty of a dysfunctional marriage? Taking on another person isn't going to make the problem go away. It is a distractor and that person is just a tool. Lastly, the cheater has another person he is cheating with. Are you not afraid of disease? What do you really know of this other woman? If she is another other woman, how many more are in the wood works? Plus he is suppose to be working things out with his wife? Now who is playing the fool for him? Does his wife know this is all going on? Have you introduce yourself as one of the other people your husband is having relations with? Have you revealed him to your husband? The pain and confusion your feeling is probably the war of your conscious vs. your flesh. You know what is right and wrong on the inside. You just need to make up your mind to determine what is going to be most beneficial to you in the long run. I wish you luck and be well. And remember, sometimes having it all leaves you with nothing or many times, with less than that.
RecordProducer Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I When I was leaving his house, he told me for the first time that he loves me. Well, after what he did (asked you to stay in the bedroom and be quiet), he was sure that any self-respecting woman would NOT want to keep sleeping with him - so he had to somehow make it up to you by telling you that he loves you. It's so easy to say "I love you," but his behavior is disgusting. Let's see: He is trying to reconcile with his wife He is interested in another woman (not you, not his wife) He is sleeping with you from having the most amazing sex of my life with one of my best friends, to having an affairI don't see that you're having an affair; his marriage is over, his wife doesn't want his ass back. IMO, the biggest problem is that he's not being serious with you and he has feelings for two other women while sleeping with you. I can understand the feelings for his wife, but I don't see why you would put up with him being interested in a new woman and telling you to stay away while he's dealing with her. Are you like very ugly, poor, and shmucky, and can't find a decent man? I am joking! Most of us women do crazy things for love - and those crazy things crush our self-esteem (until someone better shows up ). Those who always respect themselves are usually the ones who are not relationship material. But apart from all the principals, it's a fact that when we allow men to treat us worse than we deserve, we are really unhappy. The correct solution is always the same: do whatever it takes to prevent long-term suffering. Like everyone else here, I want it all. Then go for it! And what's this thing with you waiting for him in his house? Do you also cook for him and do his laundry? I hope not!!!
frannie Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 In my head I know you are all correct. What the heck is the matter with me?!?! Well maybe nothing! Maybe it's as simple as you're on different pages. He is obviously using his new found 'freedom' in a different way to how you see your future. You don't want to date around, you want one man, and at the moment that one man is him. It doesn't have to be, though. Why are you narrowing down your options like this?
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