Huge fight...what next!?

[Maggs]

Last Friday my BF and I had a huge fight. Well to be honest, he fought while I just sat there shaking my head and wondering why. He's away working at the moment and he had gone out to supper with some of the guys from the place he's contracted out. So they're not friends or anything, just met them a few days before. Anyways...I had just worked 32 hrs in a row and hadn't been home to talk. And was due to go away Saturday morning and be away all weekend. So if we didn't talk Friday evening, we wouldn't have spoken or been able to email in 5 days. Which is quite a while in LDR terms. So when I got home, I called him and he said he was out to dinner and would be back to the hotel in about an hr. That was 8pm his time. At 10:30 pm his time he still wasn't back so I rung him again and asked if he was on his way back to the hotel yet. He said leaving in 5, be back in 15 mins. I meanwhile, had loads of stuff I had to do to get ready and thought it was pretty unfair of him to be out to dinner for hrs. I mean...how difficult is it to just say to his workmates--excuse me, I've got to get back to the hotel I'm expecting a phone call.

 

So he finally rolled in the door 4 hrs after I'd been home. Midnight his time, no time to talk at all. I was not impressed. All I wanted was for him to leave a bit earlier to have a chance to speak to me for maybe half an hr before going to bed. I emailed him and all I said was I'm not impressed. I didn't yell or shout or swear at him. Well he friggin lost his mind. When I called I was on skype in the living room at my parents and they were in the room so I couldn't really say anything and he knew it too. He proceeded to yell and swear at me for about 20 mins. Telling me don't f'ing come here in December (We were planning on me going there for 3-4 months in Dec. because he wanted a chance to live together). I had sent off a short email during the phone conversation just explaining I couldn't speak and that he wasn't being fair and he wrote back saying 'goodbye'. Before I received this response, I had emailed him again explaining things to him and how hurt I was and then sent it off. He never replied to that one...just the one previous saying 'goodbye' and nothing else.

 

That was 5 days ago. Haven't heard anything from him since. I have no idea if him just being angry and saying things he didn't mean or what. Seems a pretty petty way to end things with someone though. All I stated was that I wasn't impressed and would have appreciated him getting back to the hotel when he said he would. So I could speak to him for the only time in 5 days and so he could get to bed at a decent hr and I could get my things sorted to go away.

 

Most of my friends are obviously shocked. Mutual friends I might add. They think now I should call him and find out what's going on. Because I deserve an explanation. And if it was just in anger, what does he want now and when is he going to apologize. We've been together for close to 2 yrs. I'm 29, he's 35. I don't know what to do!!

 

I'm writing this a bit scatterbrained so pls ask anything to clarify things for yourself. Starting to think this is just him pushing me away because he's scared to commit to anything

[Rollercoasterr]

I just dont get what he has to be mad about. It's not like you were freaking out, you just calmly said that you wish he'd get home earlier on a night like that for various reasons, and one of them was for his wellbeing. So it sounds to me like he's trying to pull away because he's afraid of something. Either that, or he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.

 

I hope things get sorted out.

[sharry]

Hi Maggs,

 

Sorry to hear that happened. Its difficult being apart and it sounds like to me it could be just down to frustration & misunderstanding. After 2 years together, I think you owe it to yourself to know what the situation is. The longer you don't talk the harder it will be for you wondering what has happened.

 

Why not pick up the phone and talk to him and at least you will know what the situation is. I am a great believer in being honest and upfront and maybe now after a few days it will be easier to talk about things calmly.

 

Hope everything works out for you.

 

Sharry

[You'reasian]

Definitely talk to him - nothing better than a face to face talk to see whats up.

[konfuzd]

The tone of an arguement is set by the choice of words used to bring it up.

 

"I'm not impressed" to me sounds like something a mother scolding a child would say. Combine that with the fact it was sent in an e-mail, so could have been taken out of context, and he probably felt belittled by you.

 

I think the way you approached it sent him on the defensive, and caused his outburst.

 

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but you need to be sensitive to a man's ego when approaching an issue if you want to have a calm, mature conversation.

 

I would have said something more along the lines of, "I was really looking forward to the chance to talk to you on Friday since we haven't had a lot of time to connect lately. It really hurt me that you put me off all evening."

 

I think you should call him and suggest that you talk without yelling, and express your concerns, and let him explain why he got so upset. Maybe there is something else going on. You'll never know until you talk to eachother, not over eachother.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

[Maggs]

After I posted this yesterday, the friends who knew the situation all agreed I should call him too. So I did yesterday morning, even though I knew he was work I thought even if I just got 2 mins alone with him to tell him I'd email him my thoughts and call him later when I could. But he actually had a few mins and we talked things through. The first few mins, there was a lot of headbutting and struggling to be heard but after I explained everything to him--much to my surprise, he gave a heartfelt apology. He said everything he said was purely out of anger and nothing else. I think it shocked him and upset him knowing how upset I was. I think he feared, for the first time, that he might lose me. I know how hard it is sometimes for men to admit their wrong and to apologize so it meant a great deal to me. We both said it was a hard few days and missed each other tremendously.

 

To konfuzd--I can see how my words implied the 'nagginess' that women have to try to avoid. Your words probably would have been a better choice. Even though they weren't said in an angry tone, I probably could have used a better line. That's what happens after working 32 hrs and you're frustrating and haven't been home or slept in your own bed for 2 days. I did apologize to him as well, because I know that the healing will only come from both of us being honest. I'll try to remember next time to put my words in a different way.

 

Even though it seemed such an insignificant argument...it was probably the biggest bump our relationship has had to endure in the nearly 2 yrs together. And with it being LD, I think it made it that much harsher. But you know what...I think we will be stronger for it. And we've come out better on the other side. All I wanted was an apology from him and I got that and more. Sometimes men do surprise you! Went to bed last night very happy and relieved. And with a big smile on my face. Thanks to everyone who posted yesterday.

[Island Girl]

Oh Maggs

 

I am sorry I missed this yesterday. But I am glad you did finally talk to him.

 

I can not tell you the number of battles my husband and I have had that were just this kind of thing.

 

Thankfully they don't happen anymore but I think it's because of the ones we had and got through.

 

We know now to clarify statements with each other and even if we are angry we explain exactly what we mean and if there one takes an issue with the words used, it gets restated.

 

You are right that these are the ones that make your relationship stronger. They are horrible and the hours or days that they go on are excruciating to say the least. But the bond is so much more cemented after on both sides.

 

I agree with confused that the way the words were put were a trigger. I used to do that ALL the time. Sometimes, if my man is cranky, I still inevitably do. But we just get through it or in extreme circumstances we just have to agree to talk at a different time.

 

I am glad you are smiling now! Keep your chin up! These relationships are tough to deal with a lot of the time but SO worth it in the end.

[Maggs]

Oh Maggs

 

I am sorry I missed this yesterday. But I am glad you did finally talk to him.

 

I can not tell you the number of battles my husband and I have had that were just this kind of thing.

 

Thankfully they don't happen anymore but I think it's because of the ones we had and got through.

 

We know now to clarify statements with each other and even if we are angry we explain exactly what we mean and if there one takes an issue with the words used, it gets restated.

 

You are right that these are the ones that make your relationship stronger. They are horrible and the hours or days that they go on are excruciating to say the least. But the bond is so much more cemented after on both sides.

 

I agree with confused that the way the words were put were a trigger. I used to do that ALL the time. Sometimes, if my man is cranky, I still inevitably do. But we just get through it or in extreme circumstances we just have to agree to talk at a different time.

 

I am glad you are smiling now! Keep your chin up! These relationships are tough to deal with a lot of the time but SO worth it in the end.

 

Thank you for just sharing your similar story. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It's so much easier to guage when your SO is a cranky mood when you're together in person--much more difficult via words on email & msn!

 

I do see how it brings us closer, after a fight like this. But I next time I'd rather go without the 5 days of not talking. We just missed each other too much in the end.