Jamez123 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Well, she dumped me just over a month ago and it was so hard, ever since that, my moods have been so irregular - sometimes i've felt so euphoric, wheras sometimes i've just wanted to curl up and die. It's getting easier i must admit and i'm beginning to see how she wasn't that perfect after all. Her flaws are now becoming more apparant to me. Nevertheless i feel i want her more each day because i can't get the beautiful images of her smiling at me and being in my arms, etc out of my head. I just don't know whether the chances of her becoming more interested in me are to just forget her and move on or to stay friends? I mean we've seen each other a few times during the break-up and we've been really close i must admit - i've made her laugh in the same way i did when we were first together and i even threw in a few compliments, which i can tell she finds charming. Despite that however, she says 'we won't get back together' even though she smiles at me whenever i look at her, whenever i walk with her i notice her looking at me and she acts as though she wants me. It's just really hard to try and forget her at the moment because it was exactly a year ago on the 11th of november that we started going out and god knows how i'm gonna feel on that day I just really want to know what i should do because even if we can only progress to the 'friends' stage i just don't want to lose her because i was her best friend and she was mine and no matter what, it's tragic to lose that bond with someone.
BikerBeagle Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Do you really want to be her 'friend' and get dragged through all of this over and over again? ...wondering, driving yourself crazy?
justaman99 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 She said "we won't get back together" so believe it. Drop it and leave her alone to figure out what she wants, without you being there. The other choice is to sit and suffer.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Sometimes I think my ex was my best friend. I certainly felt that was the case when we broke up. I felt I had lost my other half, the only person who really understood me! He actually cried too, saying he would be so sad to lose our friendship. Well, once we both accepted the loss, moved on, got happy, I think we've both realized - theres no reason to be friends. Which is weird, since he WAS one of my best friends. But heres what I think: Yes, you can be as close and presumably even closer with the person you are romantically involved with than a best friend. They can be the best of best friends. But in a way, they really are not your closest friend. At the end of the day, they are your lover, not a friend? Theres a line that comes between friendship and lovers. Its not always clear, in fact, I'd say its pretty messy, but its still there. When we're in a relationship, we naturally grow closer the person were with, they become our "best friend" in some ways - but maybe we just get so close, for so long, that the relationship just CANT last. In that way, maybe the perfect best friend is someone who knows and loves you in the fullest, but theres also a limit, a barrier that keeps them far enough away that they can't get sick of you, whereas in a dating situation that barrier is dropped. My point is, yes, she was everything a best friend is. But she wasn't your best friend, because that barrier between best friend and lover was non-existent, as she was your lover. Its kind of like calling a circle a square. One can fit into the other, but they're not necessarily the same thing. So don't worry. The sky isn't falling! Its natural to become super close to someone then lose them. Thats the way the world is. Is you can accept this, you'll be in a much better place I think. 1
Yamaha Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 She said "we won't get back together" so believe it. Drop it and leave her alone to figure out what she wants, without you being there. The other choice is to sit and suffer. She is used to you and still wants you around to lessen the sadness but believe her when she says " we won't get back together ". She has written you off as a romantic partner and unless you feel the same way you need to say NO to friendship.
alphamale Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I just really want to know what i should do because even if we can only progress to the 'friends' stage i just don't want to lose her because i was her best friend and she was mine and no matter what, it's tragic to lose that bond with someone. your only slim chance of getting her back is to break off all communication and contact with her and start dating other women. If she then decides on her own to come back to you then so be it but personally i wouldn't count on it.
You'reasian Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Well, she dumped me just over a month ago and it was so hard, ever since that, my moods have been so irregular - sometimes i've felt so euphoric, wheras sometimes i've just wanted to curl up and die. It's getting easier i must admit and i'm beginning to see how she wasn't that perfect after all. Her flaws are now becoming more apparant to me. Nevertheless i feel i want her more each day because i can't get the beautiful images of her smiling at me and being in my arms, etc out of my head. I just don't know whether the chances of her becoming more interested in me are to just forget her and move on or to stay friends? I mean we've seen each other a few times during the break-up and we've been really close i must admit - i've made her laugh in the same way i did when we were first together and i even threw in a few compliments, which i can tell she finds charming. Despite that however, she says 'we won't get back together' even though she smiles at me whenever i look at her, whenever i walk with her i notice her looking at me and she acts as though she wants me. It's just really hard to try and forget her at the moment because it was exactly a year ago on the 11th of november that we started going out and god knows how i'm gonna feel on that day I just really want to know what i should do because even if we can only progress to the 'friends' stage i just don't want to lose her because i was her best friend and she was mine and no matter what, it's tragic to lose that bond with someone. Cut her loose, take time to heal and meet new people. Easier said than done, but you can do it.
BCCA Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Well, keep in mind that even though youre talking yourself into it right now, you really dont want to just be friends. Youre probably only even considering it because the alternative is nothing, and you probably feel like your best angle to get back with her is as friends. Its not. Friends is going to make you misserable, while helping her cope with the loss of the relationship. Ask yourself this, what do you talk to your REAL friends about? Do you want to talk to an ex youre missing about the same things? I doubt it. The moment she mentions a date or someone setting her up, etc...you'll feel like sh*t all over again. Let it go. The only thing this woman can bring to your life at this point is pain.
Author Jamez123 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Yeah everyone's right, i should just cut off all contact and try and forget about her. At this point, me and her the total opposite - i'd do ANYTHING to get her back, and it's like a near-impossible mission which i'm likely failing. Wheras she's got me under her thumb because she has the power to get me back just like that, and aswell as that, if we decided to become friends she'd still be happy and i'd feel lonelier than anything; even worse than being WITHOUT her. So when i think of it like that it seems like she's totally dictating my life, all she'd have to do is call me and say 'i wanna get back with you' and i'd be there like a shot, however it's the complete opposite for me, so it does make me feel pretty angry if i'm honest and it seems completely unfair. Anyway, i sent her an e-mail on tuesday - a really really really long one listing all my faults, letting her know i'm changing for the good of myself and everyone around me, and apologizing and at the very end i said to her 'Are you 100% sure you'll never consider me again?' and she's not yet replied although she told my sister she'd got the e-mail =/
samspade Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Anyway, i sent her an e-mail on tuesday - a really really really long one listing all my faults, letting her know i'm changing for the good of myself and everyone around me, and apologizing and at the very end i said to her 'Are you 100% sure you'll never consider me again?' and she's not yet replied although she told my sister she'd got the e-mail =/ Cut this kind of crap. Listing faults and apologizing only gives her more status over you and feeds her ego. If she was 50% sure she was never going to get back with you again, it probably got cranked up to 85% after she read your pathetic, depressing letter. And her lack of response cuts into your confidence and healing. Now that she knows how hard she is to get over and how lonely you are, how do you think she'll treat you down the road? This is why when someone wants to break up with you, the best recourse is to agree quietly and with stoicism, and then abstain from contact completely. Yes, it is counter-intuitive, because we all see in movies how these things play differently, and we feel desperate when we've been cut down by someone we love. You have to teach yourself to be disciplined and prepared for when this happens again. Meanwhile, Jamez, you need to start worrying about yourself. Cut contact. I don't care if she does respond to your letter, ignore her. Get your friends to help you from being weak. Imagine if you were in her shoes, and she were in yours: you'd be l lapping this stuff up while going out and b*nging new women, knowing you always have a fallback. Quit giving her that satisfaction.
justaman99 Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 sam has it spot on. While I am all about apologizing about something stupid I may have done, I do it in person. The letter you wrote is groveling and desperate. I think you blew it. Letters like this never work. The "I have changed crap" and the "would you ever consider me again" burns away at the chances of getting back together. You have to live your own life and change for yourself, not for others.
Author Jamez123 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 yeah you're right justaman & sam, although i think this is a flaw a large percentage of us are guilty of
samspade Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 yeah you're right justaman & sam, although i think this is a flaw a large percentage of us are guilty of It's not a flaw, don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, a lot of us (myself included) have done things like this. But it's not some trait that you can't overcome. It's programming in your brain that you have to undo. You simply thought that by being 100% deferential and apologetic, you'd curry favor. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. While I'm sure she on some level appreciates your honesty, you are still diminishing your value while raising her, and the consequence is her respect for you will plummet. This isn't just something that relates to the opposite sex. It's a mentality you have to change for all relationships: With your friends, with strangers, your boss, your co-workers, and your children if you have any. You cannot surrender your self worth as a person in an attempt for approval or acceptance. People gravitate towards those who are confident and know where they're going in life, and could give a f*ck if you want to come along for the ride or not. Believe me, I used to think that bending over backwards was always going to win favor with females and fix any problems. The only favor it got me was into their friendzone, or, when I was lucky enough to have a romantic relationship with one, it eventually repelled her. I also happen to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this kind of worship, and let me tell you: it's extremely awkward and has caused me to run in the opposite direction. And any girl who has begged and pleaded with me to come back has only made me feel a combination of resentment and pity. The good news is that you can change all of this, but it's going to take some effort on your part. You're going to have to start concentrating on YOUR life and not worry so much about her or whomever you're dating. That doesn't mean you should be selfish or a jerk. It simply means that you need to realize that while you enjoy the company of a quality female, you as an individual do NOT need someone to "complete" you. You also need to consider how many billions of women are on this planet, and no matter how special your ex was to you, she is just one of those billions. There are so many other possibilities out there for you. But your story with this last one is over, and when the next girl comes around, if the story draws to a close, it's incumbent on you to respect its ending and not drag it out like this again - for your sake.
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