The_Flawed_Gawd Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 First things first... I apologize, but, I think this is going to be a LONG first post... I found this site by "accident" by doing a search for stbxw and found her on here, so I know if she logs back in and somehow reads this she will know it's me, but, at this point, I don't care...nothing I post will be a lie or exaggeration and I really need some advice right now! Let me start by saying that I'm no stranger to separation and divorce as I have had a couple already. All for different reasons. The last divorce was 12 years ago and it WAS my fault. I had to let her go and be free as I had become a 'serial-cheater'. It was the only fair thing to do. I could no longer put her through that type of pain and uncertainty, she was nice...too nice to me to deserve that. ( I sincerely hope she's doing well ) Now for my current situation... The W and I recently "celebrated" our 10th anniversary, and by celebrated I mean that I texted her "Happy Anniversary" and she didn't even take 2 seconds to respond. We have 5 children together (2 hers - 3 ours), however, none of the children know any different...the oldest was only 18 mo. when we met and she was already pregnant with another mans child (who when told she was pregnant...told her "have a nice life"). I loved her very much so I stepped up and signed the birth cert. and 'adoped' the oldest. I try to treat all of the children the same and none of them know any different...I am the only father they know. The problems started right off the bat...I made a terrible mistake and had a ONS with a former live-in GF...something I admitted to and provided ALL the details of since I WAS embarrassed and remorseful about. I never intended to do it and have "paid" for it for the past 10 years...it was NEVER forgotten or forgiven. But I guess I deserved that. I promised I would never put myself in that position again and to tell the complete truth...I never have...in the past 10 years I have not even had not 1 female "friend" (plutonic or otherwise)! After our last child she had gained a bunch of weight...and was nearly 250. I said not a word. I loved her for her. But she was not happy. She then lost over the next year or so ( I won't say how ) nearly 80 - 100 lbs and was beginning to look GREAT... I think that is where the REAL problems started IMHO... She began getting attention from men that would have, a year or two earlier, not have given her the time of day! Then came the first A...let's call him "Bob"...at first I was completely oblivious...never thought that could happen to me. But after a couple of weeks I saw the "signs"...you know..."working late"...lots of extra time on the computer...disappearing for hours... ( I "bugged" her computer ). There was the "evidence"...lots and lots of IM's to 'Bob'...very incriminating stuff to say the least. I confronted her as soon as I found out...she spewed lies at me...never admitted to anything but 'friends' although I had the printed evidence and confirmation from mutual 'acquaintances' that she had told. After sometime...it was forgiven...not forgotten, but as I figured, "tit-for-tat"...I had one...you get "one". Before this, I had suspected a couple of EA's (emotional affairs?). But that's another story. We stayed together. Then came the second A. Lets call him 'Mike'. New job...new man. Don't know as much about him as the first one, but, the same signs were there. Working late, waiting at work after hours to give a friend a ride, phone calls at all hours, and the lies again...i would ask questions...already knowing the answer...to see what she would say...all lies. I guess the SH*& hit the fan the night she 'disappeared' overnight without warning. I went to sleep (she was to be off work by 8 or 9, usually home by 10) and I woke up at 4am and she wasn't there...called and called her cell...I was ACTUALLY worried and concerned... I didn't know where she was or what had happened...she NEVER did that before. Finally calls me back...got drunk (dosn't drink) and "sleeping it off" at a friends house. Fine. We were still together...but I had my suspicions. I didn't get really angry until the following week when I called her job to talk to her and found out that she had called in sick that day. She showed up later that night (usual time, having not gone into work, which I already knew) crying...she was upset...I asked why and got no real answer. She went to bed...I went to her car...saw some directions to the airport...a receipt to long-term parking and some pics on her camera! (of her and him...hugging, kissing). I asked "so where were you today?" "At work" was the answer... I showed her the pics...and I'll be damned if it wasn't 'my fault' for going through 'her stuff'...the kiss was a "dare" ect...I wasn't there...more and more lies... We stayed together...for another week or two...it was tough...but again I was going to look past this...I loved her and "wanted" to believe her. She told me she took him to the airport and he was no longer a "threat" to me...that was, until hotel reservations in California showed up a couple of weeks later in the mail, in her name! I knew that was where he went!!! I had enough...I kicked her out. She really had nowhere to go so I let her come back for a couple of weeks, i intended to work it out, but she went and found her own place, saying she needed "space" and to find herself. We seperated. (first time) Fast-forward...after taking care of the kids full-time for 10 months to give her some space...she calls...in tears...wants things to 'be the way they were' misses me and misses the kids...again, fine. I agree to try it again. The house goes up for sale and I move back in with her. We are a 'couple' again for a couple of months...till I have to move out and back to my house (long story). But about this time she starts a new job...remember...new job...new man? Yes...again! So seperated again...but this time I didn't know why for quite some time... At first it was riding to work together to save money...no problem...we were separated again...and the excuse made logical sense. (although we had talked about filing papers...nothing yet...she said for 'financial' reasons and we had both said we weren't going to get married again...but by this time...a couple of months ago, the wedding (hers and his) was already being planned, the location and date set, the rings purchased, the honeymoon paid for...did I mention he's a MM? And her former supervisor at new job (seeing a pattern? I was her supervisor too when we got 'together'). Then the children came home one day saying they were going to have a 'step-daddy' - "what's a step daddy?"...I confronted her...lies again..."I never said that!" (where else is a 6 year-old going to get that?) There were post cards in the mail congratulating her on her engagement...(no paperwork (D) filed yet)...I asked...she said "I'm Planning someone else s wedding"...I almost believed it, that is until I stumbled onto this site where she had a complete confession! Where-in I learned how long it was going on...that it was going on...that they were sleeping together...that they planned to get married...that she married for "pregnancy" reasons...and a bunch more! Needless to say...I was completely and utterly emotionally devastated to see she would post this and never actually tell me the truth for once! She even posted lies to the LS community saying the D was filed months ago...I guess to save face and make it seem like what she is doing is not so bad after-all. I don't know? I feel bad for MM's wife...she has NO CLUE as to what's been going on...I think that if and I say if he gets or files for a D...she should know why! That he has been cheating on her w/ an employee! I wish I could tell her...but not my place! HE NEEDS to MAN-UP and confess if he truly loves my wife and wants to be with her!!!! And they both need to file for D!!!!!! Anyway, herein lies the major problem, I STILL LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!! After all she's done and lied about, I still love her, I still do truly care about her ...I'm jealous...I'm hurt! I think I could see past the infidelity (the lying is harder to see past, I hate being lied to and treated like I'm stupid or ignorant...). But, for the sake of the kids and the marriage, I think with some MC we could get past all of this. I'm sure there is more...but that's enough for now...you got the gist of the situation... Any advice would be appreciated...thanks... -TFG-
sumdude Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Anyway, herein lies the major problem, I STILL LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!! After all she's done and lied about, I still love her, I still do truly care about her ...I'm jealous...I'm hurt! I think I could see past the infidelity (the lying is harder to see past, I hate being lied to and treated like I'm stupid or ignorant...). But, for the sake of the kids and the marriage, I think with some MC we could get past all of this. Love... hmmm... not sure you love her after all that but you are still addicted to her. The human brain is affected by intimate long term love relationships in many of the same ways it reacts to drug addictions. The same part of the brain shows activity in scans. So in a way you're going through withdrawal at this point. Can take 6 months or more to get off the 'drug'. Honestly ask yourself.. "Can I truly love someone who obviously does not love me anymore?" Love is an action.. a verb.. it's what you do that counts. Her actions have proven that she doesn't care about you and two wrongs do not make a right. Your past mistakes were a long time ago and may be an excuse to have set the stage but really it makes me wonder.. is there a way back? Only if she is willing to put in 110% effort and it sure isn't looking that way right now. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. I know what you're going through... it seriously sucks a** but you will survive. You have to let her go, you'll get angry soon enough.
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