hereandnow Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 First time post. My now ex gf broke it off with me about a week and a half ago. We're in our late 20s/early 30s. We'd been together 6 months. She would go on about how great our relationship is etc. About 2-3 weeks before the break, she started getting a little more distant. She had just started working on a project and got really involved in it. When she originally broke it off, she called it a break, to see if this relationship is right for her. We are broken up, and she has said that though there is no one else in the picture right now, it's not something she has completely closed the door on. But she also hasn't closed the door completely on us, we're keeping it open and she says she does want to continue talking. She says she just needs some space. (I'm sure nobody here has heard that before!) I'm just not sure how to proceed here. The project she's been working on ends tonight, so I'm kind of hopeful once that's over she'll be more open to continuing. We last talked Friday. Thanks for any advice/support.
BikerBeagle Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 First thing to do is ...give up all hope. We have heard all of the excuses around here, the 'break' and 'space' being the most common. She's made up her mind, nothing is going to change it. Second thing to do is to stop responding to any communication from her (No Contact). You just gotta take my word for it ...it's hard, but still the easiest way; otherwise she'll keep dragging you back through the mud over and over wanting to be 'friends'. Third thing is to never be 'friends'.
Author hereandnow Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Man, they should just put a disclaimer at the top of this board like the one they have over the gates of hell: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here" I wish I could. The pain's pretty bad either way I look at it though.
Author hereandnow Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I've been reading threads here for the past week or so, so I expected the response. I still really appreciate it though. I expect I'll put myself through more pain than I have to. It's hard, when she broke it off she said she still loves me and cares about me deeply, that she just doesn't know right now. And as for not picking up her phone calls, ouch. I saw her driving the other way on the same road as me and my heart skipped a beat. This'll be tough.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Man, they should just put a disclaimer at the top of this board like the one they have over the gates of hell: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here" I wish I could. The pain's pretty bad either way I look at it though. hahaha thank you for posting that, it made me smile. No kidding right? I think a lot of people start looking at these forums because they want answers, and namely, the answer they are looking for is "theyre coming back". Thats how people find this place. But... people here are honest. We don't make up pretty stories to make you feel okay for the moment, we tall the truth to help you heal over time. Keep posting here. The truth hurts, but when your head needs help sorting out, its good to post here and get clear answers.
BCCA Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 No one can tell you for sure whats going to happen, but most of the advice youre going to get here is for whats PROBABLY going to happen. The situation, more than likely, is that shes lost interest to the point of basically putting you on waivers (if youre a sports fan, youll know what I mean). Shes throwing you out there, and risking losing you to someone else forever. And if you dont get picked up, and she doesnt find a replacement, she can try and come back, and make even LESS of an effort because she'll feel like she has the upper hand. It makes no sense to break up with someone you want to keep around. Why would anyone risk losing you to someone else if they were at all concerned with keeping you around? She's only keeping you on the hook because its a cold, lonely world out there, and she doesnt want to have to go it all alone if she doesnt meet anyone. I would advise that you keep whatever contact you feel is appropraite, but I would urge you not to get your hopes up too high for a fairy tale ending. Truth be told, those reconnection love scenes you see in movies just dont happen. Most relationships dont work, thats just the way it goes. Its best to get on like its over, and be ok with being alone.
Author hereandnow Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Well, here I am, up early again. Makes it easier to get to sleep at night at least. It is amazing how much better I feel just from reading your posts. All the support is appreciated. It's better to hear from people who have been through something like this recently than talking to friends who, though sympathetic, just don't have the same frame of mind. Well, I decided I am going to send her a card today (hard copy kind) congratulating her on what she has just completed, and keeping it all "business." That is no reference to the relationship. I keep falling into the trap of thinking that a call here or a text there could somehow "control" her or keep her "with" me mentally, and I know this is ridiculous and silly. Anybody ever felt that way? I'm trying to tell myself that what she's doing right now is none of my business, that I don't have that right at this point, but it's a hard pill to swallow. The relationship was so good and honest, the sex was great, and it hasn't been very long since everything was great. We took trips together, the whole nine yards. In a way, though I know it was a good thing, the high level of honesty in this relationship is kind of hurting me, because I know she pretty much says what she means, and that where she is at is where she has told me she's at. I don't know if that makes any sense or not! Thanks for any replies.
Jake C Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 First time post. My now ex gf broke it off with me about a week and a half ago. We're in our late 20s/early 30s. We'd been together 6 months. She would go on about how great our relationship is etc. About 2-3 weeks before the break, she started getting a little more distant. She had just started working on a project and got really involved in it. When she originally broke it off, she called it a break, to see if this relationship is right for her. We are broken up, and she has said that though there is no one else in the picture right now, it's not something she has completely closed the door on. But she also hasn't closed the door completely on us, we're keeping it open and she says she does want to continue talking. She says she just needs some space. (I'm sure nobody here has heard that before!) I'm just not sure how to proceed here. The project she's been working on ends tonight, so I'm kind of hopeful once that's over she'll be more open to continuing. We last talked Friday. Thanks for any advice/support. Dude your break up sounds exactly like mine did right down to the letter. Girl gets distant, guy wonders why, breakup ensues. Ours was the same time frame, similar ages, everything seemed great and wonderful, then she starts getting distant. My ex said the same type things "I still want you in my life", "I'm just not feeling it right now", "I'm really stressed and need some space". She also said it wasn't someone else, and that she wanted to stay in touch. It was all bs excuses. I haven't heard anything fom her in three months, and I fully believe at this point it was someone else. I'm sure your ex means well as far as breaking up goes. She doesn't want to hurt you any more than she has to, as mine didn't either. Our break up was never heated, but I would just say you've got to read the writing on the wall. I don't think women will tell you exactly what is causing them to break up with you, they'd rather place the blame on stress, or a project they're working on. I understand your want and desire to work it out with your ex, I know the feeling perfectly, but, and I'm sorry to say it, it sounds so similar to my break up, that i think your ex is moving on. She doesn't want to hurt you and she probably still cares about you, and wants you around, but she didn't just wake up one day and decide to end your relationship. She's thought about it and weighed it over (probably what the distance actually was). You gotta know, if she truly felt and meant the things she said about the relationship being so good, she wouldn't be breaking up with you over stress and a new project at work. My ex pulled the same stunt, went on and on about how I was so great and the relationship was so perfect, we were meant to be together. I think women say these things to keep men satisfied, happy and comfortable in the relationship, but don't always mean what's being said. My advice to you: you can keep in contact if you want, and maybe it could work out, your situation may be different. Personally, I wouldn't. You're going to postpone your healing, and continue to give yourself hope. If you talk to her don't bring up the relationship unless she does, try to be cool with her decision like it doesn't matter to you, otherwise you'll just push her further away. If that's something you can't handle doing then I would go no contact and let her come to you. I know it's hard and it sucks and you don't want to give up, but if she truly means what she's said, then she'll contact you. I wouldn't send a card, I wouldn't be overly nice. She broke up with you! sending her a card would tell her that you're alright with her decision, it lessens her guilt and keeps you hoping it will work out, moving you further back from where you need to be. I did the same things to no avail. Your best bet is to let go, salvage your dignity and show her you don't need her. You know the situation best so do what you like, I'm sure my post isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, I feel for ya. But looking back now; how I told you to handle your breakup, is how i wished I would have handled mine. Good Luck Man.
Author hereandnow Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Well, I went ahead and dropped off the card at her place this afternoon. Two days after we broke up she had come out to hear me speak at a function. That night she sent me a really supportive e-mail telling me how great it was, so I'm not exactly reinventing the wheel here. It was simply a congratulations card with a couple of sentences telling her I was impressed with what she accomplished. No reference to relationship, no I miss you, nothing of that nature. I'm feeling good about it, because now I feel like I've done all that I should do, I went out on a high note and it's out of my hands. Exit stage left so to speak. I'm planning on going NC, at least on my end. I'm not planning on ignoring her, if she tries to contact.
Author hereandnow Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 So I dropped the card off at her place. That night (Wed.) she called me. She really enjoyed getting it. We talked briefly, kind of caught up, she told me about the end of her project and how happy she was with the way the election came out. (Her project was election related.) She said it was good to hear my voice, we both said that we miss each other, and she said we'd talk again soon. I was pretty pleased with the tone during the conversation. It had switched over from that sympathetic tone to one more happy to talk to me. It made me suspect that I may have been right about the project taking a lot out of her emotionally. Anyway, I'm trying not to read too much into this. Just before the break I had quit seeing a therapist (it was for an unrelated yet highly annoying issue) and after the break I decided it might be a good idea to go for a couple more sessions. I've got one today so that ought to be good for the soul. I'm contemplating calling her today and seeing if maybe we end up at the same place tonight (somewhere we both might end up anyway). After the phone conversation the thought of going no contact went right out the window. I see exactly what ya'll mean about contact setting one back. Any support would be appreciated.
Author hereandnow Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Whoa. Decided it's best not to call her. If she ends up at the same place as me, she knows what she's doing. Man, it is wild how that urge to contact can just overcome sometimes. It can even have a certain amount of logic (albeit faulty) to it. Feeling a little under the weather today. My cigarette intake has gone way up since the break and I think it's taking a toll on me!
ninjaturtles Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. Please do not call her.My boyfriend said/behaved the exact same way to me. However, I kept calling him and I think that inevitably pushed him away. We broke up eventually.....a year later we have started speaking again...light contact. You have been doing very well so far. I love the way you are handling things. Do not reach out for her, allow her reach out to you. Goodluck and resist the urge to call her, it can be very difficult but in the long run it's the best approach to adopt. Goodluck and keep posting.
Author hereandnow Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Thanks for the post. Every little bit of support and encouragement helps! Helps a lot actually. This is a great forum. So I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. Right now I'm feeling good about it, but who knows what tonight or tomorrow will bring. I'm definitely going to keep posting.
Author hereandnow Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Man, I think I just made a lot of mistakes! I ran into her like I thought I might, and before the "function" we talked pretty much normally, how things are etc. I stayed upbeat, everything was good, even though I wasn't getting any real romantic vibes. We sat next to each other for a little while. Afterward, as she was leaving I walked her to her car. We talked more about things, I asked how she was (meaning emotionally) and she said she was feeling sad about the breakup. We hugged and I kind of held her a little longer as she was disengaging and told her I missed her, and she said she misses me too. As I started to walk away I turned and asked about getting coffee sometime, and she said to give her a few more days. I walked back over to her and told her that I know there at the end of things I got a little weird, a little clingy and needy, and I apologized for that. She said there was nothing to apologize for, that she didn't think I got clingy or needy. So I just said, well, I did get a little weird. I told her take care and squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Man I am kind of freaking out here. It's so hard when you're around the person not to get a little weird. I'm not really sure if I screwed things up or what. She does seem like she is warming up to meeting, but I don't know what to think or do. I guess I just need to go back to waiting on her to make the move. It's just so hard seeing her in person when everything is up in the air!
Author hereandnow Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Oh yeah, she also told me she isn't seeing anybody.
MitchRapp Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 yup your situation is sounding pretty similar to mine...like the other guy said almost down to the letter...it's not you it's me no one else is involved I'm just stressed etc etc etc and like you...I held on to the hope that this girl was something special just how we clicked and interacted and the way her family took me in and such...I wasn't ready to say "oh well okay yeah that sounds good" but the truth of the matter is that what people on this board say is true. I thought that I was the exception to the rule...that I would work out. Well, we all think that but very very few of us actually are. Tell me why the girl that professed her love to me is now telling me never to talk to her again. I went with the friends route trying to not lose her and it pushed her away. Your best bet is to stay NC on your end and if she says anything to you, maybe go LC for just a little bit. Initiating contact on your end can only stir things up further. Stay strong I know that it is very very hard but there are some really great people on this board who have been there done that and can help you through things. What I love best about this board is the fact that you can just say it all and get it off your chest and feel better...and you will feel better with time.
Author hereandnow Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Yeah, at this point I'm really going to have to go NC. The thing is, when I get around her or talk to her on the phone I try to take people's advice and stay away from any relationship issues, but I just seem to have to throw something in there. Not much, no begging or pleading, but I always say something. It's too hard to just walk away without any kind of reassurance. So I'm just going to have to let it go.
markyboy1983 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I'm at the same spot u are right now with my ex gf. I got the same excuses you got :stress,space,etc. I went three days NC and I cracked. I called her, we hung out, and now i'm hanging out with her again 2nite. In the back of my mind there is a voice telling me, that this isn't going to work out, but there is a stronger voice telling me it is gonna work out. I don't know what the answer is. Everyone is different. U can't just break it off and never talk again because someone else told u to. U gotta learn on ur own. At least in my case. Just know your not alone right now. The NC is hurts me, but seeing her kills me. I feel ur pain. Good Luck.
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