Owl Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Your advice seems strangely familiar, Taylor. And its still very sound!
taylor Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Your advice seems strangely FAMILIAR, Taylor. It does now, doesn't it, oh Wise One. You can put another feather in your cap, lol. Still trying to walk the talk...it IS a long road. Hope you are having a great day.
taylor Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 ------------- By the next day, I was regretting it worse than I've ever regretted anything, You need to reflect on this...alot. By the very next day you were already regretting your decision to move in with the OW. Now you are back with your wife. Pay close attention to your ACTIONS. They will tell you alot about what's REALLY in your heart. Don't you think?
Author Confoozed Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 You need to reflect on this...alot. By the very next day you were already regretting your decision to move in with the OW. Now you are back with your wife. Pay close attention to your ACTIONS. They will tell you alot about what's REALLY in your heart. Don't you think? Yes, I've gone over that a thousand times in my head. But as I do, I wonder what motivated that response. Was it regret for leaving my wife and giving up what could have been a future together? Or was it regret for hurting my kids and wanting to fix that? Or was it regret at all...as opposed to maybe fear...fear of the unknown...fear of change...fear of hurting the people I cherish most?
Reggie Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I really think you need to take a look at affair dynamics. You wife couldnot compete with this other woman. SHe's familair and has other responsibilities. You say she is a good wife but she is familiar to you and there is no way she could generate the excitement you had in the affair. Do you question the integrity of the OW in getting involved with a married man with kids? Unlike pkn, you are not alleging yor wife was abusive. Did you give her a fair chance in this? I really think that she should be in on the discussion re your feelings about her and the OW. SHe should have some input with full knowledge of your feelings. Hasn't there been enough lying to her?
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Eventually the OW and all the newness of her would wear off... You'd be with a woman who you really don't know, have no history with, and the chances are pretty damn high that you'd be REGRETTING leaving your wife and kids - Not because of the reasons you listed but because you woke up and truly realized that you were NOT inlove with the OW and you gave up EVERYTHING in your life for lust, hot sex and passion. Those 3 things are intense, but they do not last forever. That's not glue that holds together a relationship.. Trust would ALWAYS be an issue between you and your OW.
Author Confoozed Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Trust would ALWAYS be an issue between you and your OW. I don't buy that. Many on this forum seem to think all affairs are the same, no matter the circumstances or people involved. I guess it's easier that way. But that's like saying all marriages are the same, and we all know that ain't the case.
Reggie Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I'd say the chances of it working out are not toogreat. Reading on this stuff is all I have to go on, but I think it's like 3% according to what I've read. Your dad may be one of the exceptional ones. Your kids are not likely to feel good about you if you do this. I saw this in my XW's situation and the pressure from the kids, the family ostracization, and the two of them seeing the real person wore on the affair. It lasted 2 years and then died. Why'd you go this route in the first place? I mean, there are kids involved , right? And, you hurt your wife unneccessarily. What will your folks think, your friends and the community? Think long and hard about this.
taylor Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, I've gone over that a thousand times in my head. But as I do, I wonder what motivated that response. Was it regret for leaving my wife and giving up what could have been a future together? Or was it regret for hurting my kids and wanting to fix that? Or was it regret at all...as opposed to maybe fear...fear of the unknown...fear of change...fear of hurting the people I cherish most? And WHO are the people you cherish MOST? Therein lies your answer.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I don't buy that. Many on this forum seem to think all affairs are the same, no matter the circumstances or people involved. I guess it's easier that way. But that's like saying all marriages are the same, and we all know that ain't the case. The foundation of a relationship (IF) you and the OW got together is based on betrayal and lies, cheating. More than likely she would have trust issues with you because you cheated on your wife, the woman you said vows to, the woman who carried your children for 9 months..Created a life with. Are you telling me that IF you two got together, trust would NOT be an issue, that everything would be OK? You're not quite ready yet to see the other side of this, just proves that your mindset is still very much in a fog. Sorry to say that..
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I don't buy that. Many on this forum seem to think all affairs are the same, no matter the circumstances or people involved. I guess it's easier that way. But that's like saying all marriages are the same, and we all know that ain't the case. Would you agree that there are some components in affairs that are all the same??? Also, if I had a dime.....
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Many on this forum seem to think all affairs are the same Sure, each person in the A is different, some situations vary too - But, there IS a definate pattern each follow during the A, and after an A ends. Do some reading in this section and the OW/OM section. You'll see that most who first post think their situation is unique and special, different.. Yet eventually the poster realizes that their situation is NOT as special and unique as they once thought - Affairs all have the same underlying issues and most end the same way.
beyondsad Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 It is 9 weeks since I found out about EA my husband had going on for 6 months. Our recovery (thanks to Zoloft) has been going well, he has lots of remorse, date night , mc a and actually talking about our relationship. He has convinced me that he loves me and wants our M to work but after reading all this I asked him last night about him missing OW and he said he doesn't which is hard to believe because it never fails that i see her car daily and he must too (small town). He said he has been NC and she is such a bitch that I know she would have let me know if he had contacted her. The way I found out she sent me a letter -nice and she was married too. My issue is I am the one that can't stop thinking about her and everything that must have happened between them. he swears no sex but I am not so sure. Any way I hope he doesn't miss her or even think of her she is such a evil person.
65tr6 Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Sure, each person in the A is different, some situations vary too - But, there IS a definate pattern each follow during the A, and after an A ends. Do some reading in this section and the OW/OM section. You'll see that most who first post think their situation is unique and special, different.. Yet eventually the poster realizes that their situation is NOT as special and unique as they once thought - Affairs all have the same underlying issues and most end the same way. this is SO true and very nicely said. Several weeks (i am the BS) i thought my case was unique but i dont think so anymore. In general they do follow the same pattern. In my case, i think my wife has just started to see that. My guess is withdrawl takes anywhere from several weeks to 2-3 months but a LOT depends on how closely are you working together to see it through.
Steve L Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Its hell, im goin thru it now. She had an affair many times same guy. What you do is if you are married and have filed. And this is unorthodox as hell, and everyone will be screaming at ME. Meet some other women and have sex with them. It helps. Perhaps someone in your same shoes, they are likely needful as well. Maybe an old friend, thats where i found solace. Surprisingly with 2 of them. They too have been in long term relationships and are likely clean from STDs and need you as much as you need them You will leave with a little feeling for them in your gut, but dont confuse this with love or even necessarily caring. What it is , is this person has made you feel SO much better you feel you want more of them, and perhaps you do, just be wary of the all to familiar rebound affair. They are very real and very dangerous.
mattym Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Eventually the OW and all the newness of her would wear off... You'd be with a woman who you really don't know, have no history with, and the chances are pretty damn high that you'd be REGRETTING leaving your wife and kids - Not because of the reasons you listed but because you woke up and truly realized that you were NOT inlove with the OW and you gave up EVERYTHING in your life for lust, hot sex and passion. Those 3 things are intense, but they do not last forever. That's not glue that holds together a relationship.. Trust would ALWAYS be an issue between you and your OW. Sorry I'm late to this thread, but have to agree with WWIU. When you're in that 'fog' the hardest thing is to think rationally. 'Fog' is such an ideal word to describe it..madness would be another Reading this thread I remembered an occasion when i'd phoned my OW while my 2 kids were with me. they were playfighting in the background, being noisy, as kids do at that young age. Her reaction was 'I'm going, call me later , those kids are really hurting my ears' As a parent I felt myself bristle at that. I can criticise the kids, but she had no place doing that. Imagine now life with her, with the kids coming over at weekends..no way on earth would she ever love them like my wife & I do..just not possible I read a great quote 9 wish I could remember where from, along the lines of 'God is in the whispers' - meaning listen to those faint messages in life..I think the above was one.. I've found if you don't listen the messages get louder, then smack you straight round the face!
frannie Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Yes, I've gone over that a thousand times in my head. But as I do, I wonder what motivated that response. Was it regret for leaving my wife and giving up what could have been a future together? Or was it regret for hurting my kids and wanting to fix that? Or was it regret at all...as opposed to maybe fear...fear of the unknown...fear of change...fear of hurting the people I cherish most? Well was going back motivated by missing your W? you don't say so. It seems pretty clear from your posts that your action did come out of fear and guilt rather than anything positive. I think you're simply stuck in that dilemma of wanting to be with one person, but knowing that if you DO make that decision, then others will be hurt, and you don't want to live with the guilt of having done that. One way out of that is to force your mind to think of what you had/have with the OW as impracticable, unlikely to last, and an illusion. That doesn't seem to be working for you? I think you're almost afraid to say, hey, everybody, you're wrong: it's real! Because even if it's real, it might not last, and then you'll have to live with the guilt of having split up a family. Another way of looking at it is to ask whether you're doing the people at home an injustice by staying. One of your earlier threads addressed this: the one about your T saying it doesn't matter why you stay ('for the kids' rather than out of feelings for your W), as long as you do. Look into whether it's really 'best' for people to stay in broken marriages. Ask yourself if you really have what it takes to make it work at home (including: the desire!). I think you're trying to think yourself into a position you just don't really believe in (better to stay), out of the possibility that if you leave for good you'll end up regretting it. Those people will be hurt (at least in the short-term) because of your desire to do what you want/need to do. As you say, it's fear, and it's really complicated. I think you want to do the 'right' thing for everyone, and then try to squash yourself into whatever mental place will enable that to happen. But maybe the right thing is to believe in yourself and your feelings, trust what your heart (and probably your mind?) is telling you, be honest with yourself and others, and then act on that. That way you will at least be acting with integrity.
OWoman Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Trust would ALWAYS be an issue between you and your OW. I don't buy that. Many on this forum seem to think all affairs are the same, no matter the circumstances or people involved. I guess it's easier that way. But that's like saying all marriages are the same, and we all know that ain't the case. I'm not a fan of OSFA - I've seen far too many "exceptions" to believe that patterns are anything more than general trends to which some kind of majority conforms, but which can't be used as any kind of reliable predictor for those in the (sometimes sizeable) minority. Ir maybe it's just that I always find myself in the "exceptions" category and so resent those "rules" being applied to me against my will and against all the evidence.... Confoozed, you're right to contest the universality of such assertions. Not EVERY OW has trust issues with a xMM that they land up with - there is a thread on the OW forum called "would you marry your MM" or some such where some OWs say they'd have trust issues, and others say they wouldn't. Which camp your OW would fall into, only she would know - but knowing her, you may be able to guess with some degree of certainty... at least more accurately than people her who don't know either of you (beyond what you've posted) can guess. (For the record, I'm one of those who has no trust issues with my MM.)
Owl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Owoman, since you don't EXPECT monogamy from your MM, there'd be no reason for you to have any trust issues. If you EXPECTED monogamy...then your concerns would likely be different than what they are today. The "one size fits all" motif around here isn't so much an "all" thing as a "most" thing...there are exceptions (such as Owoman here, who has had many affairs based on a DESIRE for interaction with married men whom she hoped would not form an emotional bond...when most OW typically aren't seeking a relationship with MM but find themselves in an emotional affair with one). But that 'most' DOES fit the majority...for a good reason. I've seen nothing in Confoozed's case to tell me that his situation is an exception.
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