Crestfallen_KH Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I've been engaged in an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy I met shortly after my divorced was finalized. We've been bf/gf, "friends," FWB, etc. Whatever type of relationship a man and a woman can have, we've probably tried it. We knew months ago we weren't compatible, but we were both recovering from infidelity and there was a genuine caring, like and respect for one another. That, and fantastic sex kept us "together" even while we were technically broken up. 10 months later, we've both realized that we want more. We want a relationship with a different person who better meets our needs. We're ready for a healthier, more compatible relationship, and we've ended things now, for good. But, nobody believes that. I know, it's ridiculous for a 34-year-old to go through the break up/get back together cycle, but it is what it is. And now that we've broken up "for good," nobody believes it and I am, consequently, on my own with no support. News of the breakup has been met unequivocally with sarcasm or just outright ignored. I know I have to prove that it's for real before I can expect support (though, how long will it take before it's sufficiently proven??), but I'm disappointed that my friends for family haven't even asked how I'm feeling or offered any kind of support. I guess it's a good thing that I've learned to meet most of my needs and I understand my loved one's reticence, but I really feel alone in recovering from this breakup and I don't want to guilt anyone into supporting me, so I haven't come down on anyone about how I'm feeling. Although the breakup was the right decision, it's still so hard and I miss him. Any encouraging words of support?
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Well one definitely good thing going on is that you recognize you want something more. I think a lot of people on this site that are struggling with breakups are no where near that point even. If you've come that far, then you're definitely on the road to recovery, and because you seem to have an idea of what you want/need in a serious and committed relationship, I suspect you'll move on quite quickly, and more over, find someone more suitable to your needs. The other good news is that you've got us here at LS. Even if your friends are having a hard time believing you've actually ended things right now, I believe you! So stay strong!
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Thanks, tokyovogue. I appreciate that. I called my mom tonight and she was actually very supportive and not even judgmental, which was nice (and rare)! He contacted me today as, I think, a fishing expedition. Since I've always gone back, I don't blame him but I know it's over and has been for a long time. I just have to stay strong! Thanks again for the encouraging words.
carhill Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 We knew months ago we weren't compatible, but we were both recovering from infidelity and there was a genuine caring, like and respect for one another. That, and fantastic sex kept us "together" even while we were technically broken up. Enlighten the ignorant, please What exactly was incompatible?
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Oh Lord, that's going to be a long list, carhill. Basically, we have very different outlooks on life. He thinks very negatively, holds grudges, is very defensive and is insecure. He has severe emotional issues stemming from his childhood that he not only hasn't dealt with, he refuses to even consider dealing with them. I felt that I had to constantly be on guard about everything I said and I couldn't be the person I truly am with him. I like to show love and do things for people and he hated anyone doing anything nice for him. On top of that, he would be the first guy to admit that he doesn't "get" empathy and certainly doesn't practice it. I never really felt "safe" in that relationship. I spent the last year after my divorce getting my **** together, as it were. While he has made strides, he hasn't come far enough. I want to be with someone else who is healthy, has done their emotional work and who shares a more positive outlook on life. He really is a good guy at his core, and I guess I thought I could help him. I think I did, and I know I meant a lot to him, but there's a lot of damage there with him and I'm not qualified or inclined to continue to try. I want to be with someone who I can love for who he is, which is what he deserves as well.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Those sound like pretty good reasons to break up, and more than that, you sound like a very compassionate and reasonable woman Crestfallen.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Thanks, tokyovogue. I'm seriously weakening today. I know the first few days are the hardest and the fact that he's sent me an e-mail again has made it harder. I know if I can make it through these next few days, it'll get easier. I just have to tell myself that contacting him would be cruel, that it doesn't work and I can't do this to myself. I know I've done the right thing. Man, breakups suck...even if you initiated it, and it's for the best.
touchedbyfire Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I don't have much to add except to say that I admire your conviction. From everything you described of him, you made the right decision. I think a lot of times, we confuse drama with passion and it tends to aid in our making decisions that are short-term satisfying because they ease our anxiety and yet, in the long-term are bad for us. My theory is that what works for a short term relationship often doesn't work for a long term relationship. The two are very different animals and through the hard knocks of life, we have to learn how to make the transition from one to the other. Some never learn it. Anyhow, just wanted to chime in and say that it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Who knows - one day he may actually have enough introspection to recognize his problems AND do something about them. Until then, it is not (and should not) be your problem to fix. If you try, the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Thanks for the compliments and words of encouragement.
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