Have you as the OW/OM ever contacted the BS and outed the WS?

[marriedandsad]

I'm just very curious. Have any OM/OW ever gotten angry at the WS for whatever reason, like he/she cut contact, you had a fight...blah blah blah...did you ever contact the BS and spill the beans so to say? If so why and how? I just can't imagine it only happening in Hollywood LOL!

[Final Girl]

No, never. I finished my affair with a man who had a live-in GF and two daughters because I knew the affair would come out and destroy her and the little girls...and I couldn't bring myself to be part of that any longer. No matter how bad he got sometimes (and he could be a totally selfish individual) there is NO WAY I would have contacted her to break her heart in such a brutal way. Instead, I chose to break my own and walk away.

 

I think anyone who contacts the BS has to have a heart of solid rock. So cruel. Isn't it bad enough they are hurting them by the affair??

[jj33]

I would agree that it is cruel and miscreant behavior.

 

However there are some BSs on the site that say you SHOULD tell - and that the BS should know they are at risk of STDs. But really not all BS want to know. If the WS starts working on the marriage again that is really all they want.

 

In any event I think hearing it from the OP is not right better to hear it from the WS.

 

And for someone to "tell" in anger is just horrible.

 

But wait you will hear other opinions.

[pkn06002]

Oh if you read around long enough you will find examples of it.

[Final Girl]

I don't think it is the OW/OM's information to tell. It should come from people the cheating spouse or people who love the BS who might have found out about it. As one of the people involved in causing the hurt, I woud have to question the real agenda of the OW/OM telling...I don't think it would be for altruistic reasons.

[jwi71]

That would be the height of maliciousness. If the sole driver was anger, then the OM?OW has some serous issues. It would be a huge red flag for the WS to not continue seeing the OM/OW even if the BS files for divorce.

 

This begs the question: are there circumstances in which an OM.OW should contact the BS?

[jj33]

I cant see any reason unless the MPs behavior was dangerous to himself/herself or to someone else or there was an STD involved (again I know I will be jumped on and be told there is always a risk of STD; I am saying if the OP knows for sure and for some reason believes the WS wont say) or if the OW is pregnant but even then I think it would have to be extreme for the OP to be the one to tell.

 

There was a thread a while ago where someone actually JUSTIFIED telling the W all sorts of hurtful details because "she was asked" but she was a really self centered piece of work.

[DealingWDrama]

I'm a BS, as most of you know and the OW did contact me...many of the things she told me where out and out lies...and many of things she told me I knew to be true because my H had already spilled the beans. I think if a BS calls the OP then the OP should be honest with the BS and answer any and all questions the BS has. He or she may be wanting to see if he or she is able to believe anything their WS has told them.

[marriedandsad]

 

This begs the question: are there circumstances in which an OM.OW should contact the BS?

 

The only time, if I were OW, that I would say something is if I found out I had HIV/AIDS, Herpes, or some other incurable STI, and the WS REFUSED to get tested or tell his spouse. In that situation it's drastic measures to save another person or help them get testing.

 

Btw, I am NOT an OW Just wanted to know if anyone had done this. I too think it would be awful to do that. I am just thinking of the movie on lifetime where the wife found out about the other woman and they teamed up to drive the guy (Peter Gallagher) crazy in several ways.

[Agent_99]

Hi,

 

I am an OW who told the BS. The reasons were so complicated that I can't really unravel them still. a smal part was that if I was with someone who was cheating I would want to be told, and small part was guilt as I was actually 'friends' with the BS, part of it was thinking that it would be a final way to get MW out of my life. I didn't go into detail, I said to BS that MW and I have been having an affair. She thanked me, I said I was sorry for this and we hung up.

 

~99

[frannie]

The last thread I started on this forum was called something like 'What do I do now?' and it was basically asking for input on whether I should tell the BS or not. I thought it was a very interesting thread, with lots of people chipping in comments on this subject.

 

I have to say that quite a LOT of the people commenting were telling me to go ahead and do it, and their reasons were quite varied. Check it out if you are interested in the topic.

[mzdolphin]

I contacted the wife because when I hooked up with him he didn't present himself as married. When I found out he was married I was angry and felt guilty. I didn't know her, but decided to tell her for two reasons: 1. I was angry with him and thought he shouldn't get away with it and 2. I thought it was a way of "going nuclear" like this would end it. He would hate me and that would be it.

 

To my surprise he called begging me to take him back. He apologized for lying, etc. He said she was angry but that he was glad it was out in the open.

[XNemesisX]

Well it doesn't do any good if the BS refuses to believe anybody other than their WS! In my situation, one of my exes contacted one of MM's W's friends through myspace and then I was asked about it. I was honest with her friend who relayed the information on to the wife. She believed scumbag MM even though it was so obvious he was lying. He told her I was making up all of it to try to get back at him (he was actually my ex-boyfriend). I now believe she deserves everything she gets from him for being such a closed minded idiot. I will never "tell" on anyone again because most of the time they won't believe it anyway. People believe what they want to believe. As for me personally, I would definitely want to know. I seek the truth, not illusions. I guess not everyone feels that way though.

[SierraRose]

IMO, the only reason a BS should be told is if there is a pregnancy/child resulting from the A. I feel any other reason, especially anger and revenge, will only backfire in your face.

[NoIDidn't]

IMO, the only reason a BS should be told is if there is a pregnancy/child resulting from the A. I feel any other reason, especially anger and revenge, will only backfire in your face.

 

 

Even then it still blows up in some faces. Some pregnant OWs think that *their* baby will get more love and help the MM leave his W and *her* babies (if they have children). Suddenly everything that he has with *her* is hers, but every thing he has with the OW is *theirs*.

 

Now, if the OW is willing to raise the child alone and accepts that more than likely that IS going to be the case, then her telling is likely to go over better. Its taken as information so the W can be informed. Not information so the W can be forced to make decisions rashly.

[mistresswchildren]

Accidentally out of shock. I don't think I would have. I don't think I was strong enough to confront her, but I understand why people do tell the BS.

[SierraRose]

Even then it still blows up in some faces. Some pregnant OWs think that *their* baby will get more love and help the MM leave his W and *her* babies (if they have children). Suddenly everything that he has with *her* is hers, but every thing he has with the OW is *theirs*.

 

Now, if the OW is willing to raise the child alone and accepts that more than likely that IS going to be the case, then her telling is likely to go over better. Its taken as information so the W can be informed. Not information so the W can be forced to make decisions rashly.

 

I don't doubt your views, but I am not looking at it from the adult's perspective. Furthermore, I don't feel the OW should be the one to tell the W, that's the H responsibility.

I am looking at this from the child's position in the situation. The child deserves to have the love of of BOTH the parents.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't doubt your views, but I am not looking at it from the adult's perspective. Furthermore, I don't feel the OW should be the one to tell the W, that's the H responsibility.

I am looking at this from the child's position in the situation. The child deserves to have the love of of BOTH the parents.

 

In my experience, most children conceived between affair partners only get the love of their mother if she's the OW.

 

The child does deserve the love of both parents, but they usually only end up getting the love (publiclly or acknowledged) by one.

 

My mom told me the story of how she found out who her dad was, as she didn't know. It was a small town where her dad lived and she visited her older sister that lived with other family members. The same cabbie always picked her up. She thought it was because it was such a small town and he may have been the only cab in that area.

 

But no, he was her father. He was retired and this was his way around his marriage and to *see* his children with my grandma. He never told my mother himself. He never even admitted to being her father. Once the cat was out of the bag, that cabbie never picked her up from the bus station again. So once found out, his choice was to abandon her once again.

 

But I do agree that the child deserves the love of both parents. That's why getting pregnant during the commission of an affair is so unfair to the children. And I also agree that its not the OW's responsibility. I was just adding my opinion to what another poster was saying if you look back through the thread.

[OWoman]

In my experience, most children conceived between affair partners only get the love of their mother if she's the OW.

 

The child does deserve the love of both parents, but they usually only end up getting the love (publiclly or acknowledged) by one.

 

Early on in the A, I had a pregnancy scare. My MM flew over immediately - he was willing to support whatever decision I took on the matter; if I wanted to abort, he'd pay for the procedure and any associated needs; if I wanted to have the child, he'd start D proceedings instantly and move to my country, live with me and help me raise it. He was completely sincere, had drafted a letter to his kids, and one to his W, explaining the situation, which he asked me to read and advise on. Fortunately none of that was necessary and we resumed as before, but his response showed me he was a "keeper".

[marriedandsad]

Early on in the A, I had a pregnancy scare. My MM flew over immediately - he was willing to support whatever decision I took on the matter; if I wanted to abort, he'd pay for the procedure and any associated needs; if I wanted to have the child, he'd start D proceedings instantly and move to my country, live with me and help me raise it. He was completely sincere, had drafted a letter to his kids, and one to his W, explaining the situation, which he asked me to read and advise on. Fortunately none of that was necessary and we resumed as before, but his response showed me he was a "keeper".

 

How old were his kids??????? I respect you OWoman...but this has my head swimming. A man has an affair with a woman....she thinks she may be pregnant. So he decides that if she IS pregnant and decides to keep the child he was going to leave his already existing family for the OW and their child together. Where does that leave his children? If they are minors that would hurt!!!! And I wouldn't doubt it if they never spoke to their father again. If they were adults....same reaction I think.

[OWoman]

How old were his kids??????? I respect you OWoman...but this has my head swimming. A man has an affair with a woman....she thinks she may be pregnant. So he decides that if she IS pregnant and decides to keep the child he was going to leave his already existing family for the OW and their child together. Where does that leave his children? If they are minors that would hurt!!!! And I wouldn't doubt it if they never spoke to their father again. If they were adults....same reaction I think.

 

The kids are with us - which they'd likely have chosen under those conditions too.

 

Edited to add: This is of course completely hypothetical. Had the pregnancy been confirmed, I'd have done away with it pronto! Thta's not a mistake I'm willing to repeat, especially at my age.

[longtermer]

I was outright asked by the BS what had happened between the MW and I ... she had seduced me but I refused to tell him anything ... and he threatened me on a second occasion a few months later and again I refused to say anything ... MW doesn't love or respect him but I felt she has to be the one to tell him, not me ... though that firewall is breaking down slowly

[greengoddess]

I was outright asked by the BS what had happened between the MW and I ... she had seduced me but I refused to tell him anything ... and he threatened me on a second occasion a few months later and again I refused to say anything ... MW doesn't love or respect him but I felt she has to be the one to tell him, not me ... though that firewall is breaking down slowly

 

I don't buy this. It is you she doesn't respect if she expects you to lie to her husband for her and flat out tells you she is going to start a faily with him. Come on longtermer wake up. Don't let her do this to you.