thinking of you wife with someone else

November 4, 2008

Hello all,

I am recently seperated been 10 days now. wife asked me to leave our home after 16 years.Last time I spoke with my wife on sunday she said that she was looking forward to meeting someone with whom she has the same interests with. Said we had nothing in common except for our daughter. She then said i should go a find a quickie to help me through this i told her I didnt want a quickie that I wanted her.. well she proceeded to tell me that she didnt want me in her life or anyway and to get the message through my head..

Man how do you let go of someone so quickly and be so cold to them ? she is not even the same person she was 2 months ago.. it blows my mind but my question is how do you all cope with the thought of your significant other sleeping with someone else.. I am having such a tough time putting these thoughts out of my head I have tried thinking of other stuff but nothing seems to work.......... any suggestions please

November 4, 2008

What caused you two to separate?

I am assuming marriage of 16 years, or am I wrong?

Did either of you cheat prior to the separation?

Did she find someone after she left, or perhaps she had someone before she left?

Some questions to get the conversation started.

November 4, 2008

What caused you two to separate?

I am assuming marriage of 16 years, or am I wrong?

Did either of you cheat prior to the separation?

Did she find someone after she left, or perhaps she had someone before she left?

Some questions to get the conversation started.

no cheating that I know of.. She said one day that she no longer loved me and didnt believ in marriage. Asked me to go to counseling for a little while and that we were on hold but she wasnt leaving or didnt want me to leave. Well after a month or so of trying to be civil she finally had it and said it was over she no longer cared about me or wanted me in her life.

I was blindsided by all of this thinking that generaly the marriage was good but we had our problems.

November 4, 2008

What were her reasons in the past for asking you to go to counseling? Did she feel that you were not giving her enough attention, affection etc? Did you have communication issues?

November 4, 2008

What were her reasons in the past for asking you to go to counseling? Did she feel that you were not giving her enough attention, affection etc? Did you have communication issues?

She said i needed to find myself what made me happy that i was becoming a bitter person whom she didnt want to live with. I was only bitter because i was the only one trying to save my marriage !!

November 4, 2008

Skinman, you need to limit contact with her totally. When you do have conversations with her, it should be only about the kids. Do not get into stuff about her personal life. You need to focus on you and the kids at this moment. You might need some time out to emotionally sort yourself out to figure out what you want to do. you can achieve this rationally once you start separating the emotional aspect of it from the rational part.

Continue living your life. You might also want to consider IC just to help you through this difficult phase in your life. I might be wrong, but if you pine for her and show her that you are hurting, it makes you less desirable to her and reinforces in her mind why she might not want to be with you.

Surround yourself with friends and loving family, carry on life she is gone and not coming back so you can focus on improving yourself and gaining some introspection on areas in your life that might need to be "fixed".

Best of luck!

November 4, 2008

Could you tell the story of your marriage and what were the main difficulties?

Why were you trying to save your marriage?

Does she work?

Do you work? How many hours? Do you travel alot?

Did the two of you spend much time together? Did you talk much?

When she says that the two of you have nothing in common, what does she like differently than you?

Did she find new friends lately? Has she gone out with friends more lately?

How did the two of you meet? Why did you marry if she thinks you have nothing in common?

Many times these out of the blue separations did have advance warning. We just ignore or do not realize that they are warnings.

November 4, 2008

It seems so cold because she's been thinking about it for months now. She's had time to deal with it, to cope with it ...you haven't. Women are like that.

As for imagining her with some other guy? ...don't know the answer there, sorry.

November 4, 2008

Skinman, you need to limit contact with her totally. When you do have conversations with her, it should be only about the kids. Do not get into stuff about her personal life. You need to focus on you and the kids at this moment. You might need some time out to emotionally sort yourself out to figure out what you want to do. you can achieve this rationally once you start separating the emotional aspect of it from the rational part.

Continue living your life. You might also want to consider IC just to help you through this difficult phase in your life. I might be wrong, but if you pine for her and show her that you are hurting, it makes you less desirable to her and reinforces in her mind why she might not want to be with you.

Surround yourself with friends and loving family, carry on life she is gone and not coming back so you can focus on improving yourself and gaining some introspection on areas in your life that might need to be "fixed".

Best of luck!

Thanks its just so hard.. someone i have spent a 1/3 of my life with and all the plans we had are gone. I have limited my contact at her request but its hard when i see my girls. she always asks me in and thats when i usually try and talk with her. I know i shouldn't buy sometimes its to tempting not to.. even for a few minutes being like it used to be..

November 4, 2008

Could you tell the story of your marriage and what were the main difficulties?

Why were you trying to save your marriage?

Does she work?

Do you work? How many hours? Do you travel alot?

Did the two of you spend much time together? Did you talk much?

When she says that the two of you have nothing in common, what does she like differently than you?

Did she find new friends lately? Has she gone out with friends more lately?

How did the two of you meet? Why did you marry if she thinks you have nothing in common?

Many times these out of the blue separations did have advance warning. We just ignore or do not realize that they are warnings.

there were signs but i ignored them she put forth the effort in the beginning but grew tired of me not putting my family at the fore front. we met in highschool and dated briefly then we went our separate ways both getting married to other people then divorcing only to find each other later in life. We both worked i worked 50-60 hours a week trying to make the best life i could for everyone while she worked at night so we hardly ever saw each other except an hour or 2 a day. we talked but not alot i guess in hindsight i could have done more. but so could she have. We never watched tv together i had mine and she had hers. I took care of the yard and her the inside of the house and it took 4-5 hours a weeks to keep grass and yard looking nice.

i know now where i made my mistakes and the reason for her leaving.. it doesnt help with the pain i feel or the loss inside. next time I will know what to do and what not to do..

thanks for your replies everyone.... still dont know how to keep my mind off of her being with someone else intimately....

November 4, 2008

i know now where i made my mistakes and the reason for her leaving.. it doesnt help with the pain i feel or the loss inside. next time I will know what to do and what not to do..

thanks for your replies everyone.... still dont know how to keep my mind off of her being with someone else intimately....

I am sorry to make you go over the past, but I guess I am trying to find out what happened to bring you to this point. I am also guessing that there is no hope for reconciliation, but I am one who always hopes.

As for not thinking of her with other men, the only solution that would work for me is...having someone else to focus on.

As she said, find someone else for yourself. You may be surprised where that leads. You may also be surprised how she views you...and sometimes this brings the partner back when they realize that what they had (you) was better than what they have.

November 4, 2008

I am sorry to make you go over the past, but I guess I am trying to find out what happened to bring you to this point. I am also guessing that there is no hope for reconciliation, but I am one who always hopes.

As for not thinking of her with other men, the only solution that would work for me is...having someone else to focus on.

As she said, find someone else for yourself. You may be surprised where that leads. You may also be surprised how she views you...and sometimes this brings the partner back when they realize that what they had (you) was better than what they have.

thanks.. its ok we have had many great times for me to be bitter and forget them. I hurt now and feel the loss but I am sure she went through much more during our marriage.. I hope oneday she will be able to look back and smile when a fond memory flashes before her eyes..

I still hold out hope and always will... even after the papers are signed I will still have hope..

Peace !

November 4, 2008

The only way that I can keep my head from drifting toward my ex being with someone else is to remind myself to focus on me. The imagination is a powerful thing and can be our friend or our enemy. Treat yourself right and keep your mind off of images that are not meant for you (not to mention that they are just in your imagination anyway, right?). I totally relate to the fact that you have no desire to be intimate with someone else as a distraction, so don't do it if that won't work for you. Still, be your own best friend right now and give yourself permission to focus only on you and what makes you feel good

November 4, 2008

The only way that I can keep my head from drifting toward my ex being with someone else is to remind myself to focus on me. The imagination is a powerful thing and can be our friend or our enemy. Treat yourself right and keep your mind off of images that are not meant for you (not to mention that they are just in your imagination anyway, right?). I totally relate to the fact that you have no desire to be intimate with someone else as a distraction, so don't do it if that won't work for you. Still, be your own best friend right now and give yourself permission to focus only on you and what makes you feel good

Thanks SGTPepper,

that is great advice and I appreciate it very much. No sense making this harder on myself than it already is. No it wouldn't be fair to be with someone else who knows I still have hope.. I need to find something that makes me feel good.. It has been so long since I have not sure where to start..

Peace..

November 5, 2008

Skinman, you need to limit contact with her totally. When you do have conversations with her, it should be only about the kids. Do not get into stuff about her personal life. You need to focus on you and the kids at this moment. You might need some time out to emotionally sort yourself out to figure out what you want to do. you can achieve this rationally once you start separating the emotional aspect of it from the rational part.

Continue living your life. You might also want to consider IC just to help you through this difficult phase in your life. I might be wrong, but if you pine for her and show her that you are hurting, it makes you less desirable to her and reinforces in her mind why she might not want to be with you.

Surround yourself with friends and loving family, carry on life she is gone and not coming back so you can focus on improving yourself and gaining some introspection on areas in your life that might need to be "fixed".

Best of luck!

Well I took a big step last night when I picked up my daughter, My wife was there and we talked for a minute or so the usual pleasantries noting personel or anything like that. I was proud that i could contain my emotions and didnt allow her to see how hurt I am..

November 5, 2008

That's great! Keep doing that..Don't show how upset you are around her, infact, try to act aloof and happy, more relaxed. Don't ask her ANY personal questions and if she asks you any, just tell her it's not her concern anymore.

To be honest, I wonder if she met someone a while back and they're waiting in the wings, I mean, why else would she push you to see someone else?

November 5, 2008

That's great! Keep doing that..Don't show how upset you are around her, infact, try to act aloof and happy, more relaxed. Don't ask her ANY personal questions and if she asks you any, just tell her it's not her concern anymore.

To be honest, I wonder if she met someone a while back and they're waiting in the wings, I mean, why else would she push you to see someone else?

I know the thought has crossed my mind... but I would like to believe that she hasnt that she just grew tired of me and the way I was........ I still have hope but that about it...

thanks for the inspiration.......

November 5, 2008

So basically you two grew apart and she claims she fell out of love with you.. Other than counselling, did you two try to recapture the romance and spend time together? I just think that one day she might regret walking away without trying her best and allowing you to try your best as well..

You're welcome.

November 5, 2008

So basically you two grew apart and she claims she fell out of love with you.. Other than counselling, did you two try to recapture the romance and spend time together? I just think that one day she might regret walking away without trying her best and allowing you to try your best as well..

You're welcome.

yes I tried but she said that she had had enough.. Said that 15 years I wasnt going to change and she asked me to move out said some mean

things like she could never spread her legs for me again... said she hated herself for what i nade her become.. all kinds of stuff... the past few months i tried counseling and being super nice and she said to give her soace that there was no us for 2 months... well i treid and ended up smothering her and she whigged out.. only been a little over a week and sha has reapinted my room in the basement and when i moved had all ny stuff by the door.

i said it looked like she was trying to get me out of her life.. she said yes i dont want you in my life.. i need space and for me to find what makes me happy... said there was a good chance we would never get back together....... hurt like hell after close to 16 years of doing everything for this woman......

November 5, 2008

Ouch, I can see how much this hurts you..Sadly then, there isn't much you can do but accept that she wants out, atleast for now. Never say never, things could change, especially if she sees you getting help (I hope you do counselling to help you cope with all this) and see changes, but do this for you, not for her.

I hope she DOES know this, you will ALWAYS be in her life because of the kids. Hopefully you two can remain respecful and civil for the kids sake..

November 5, 2008

Ouch, I can see how much this hurts you..Sadly then, there isn't much you can do but accept that she wants out, atleast for now. Never say never, things could change, especially if she sees you getting help (I hope you do counselling to help you cope with all this) and see changes, but do this for you, not for her.

I hope she DOES know this, you will ALWAYS be in her life because of the kids. Hopefully you two can remain respecful and civil for the kids sake..

I am trying but i think when it comes time for the divorce or end of seperation.. i want to sell the house she wants to stay till my youngest is out 6 more years....... that will be a massive blowout i can see it now

November 5, 2008

To all women...

"you know the devil you have..but you dont know the devil you gonna get"

November 6, 2008

Hello all,
I am recently seperated been 10 days now. wife asked me to leave our home after 16 years.Last time I spoke with my wife on sunday she said that she was looking forward to meeting someone with whom she has the same interests with. Said we had nothing in common except for our daughter. She then said i should go a find a quickie to help me through this i told her I didnt want a quickie that I wanted her.. well she proceeded to tell me that she didnt want me in her life or anyway and to get the message through my head..

Man how do you let go of someone so quickly and be so cold to them ? she is not even the same person she was 2 months ago.. it blows my mind but my question is how do you all cope with the thought of your significant other sleeping with someone else.. I am having such a tough time putting these thoughts out of my head I have tried thinking of other stuff but nothing seems to work.......... any suggestions please

Ouch!! Sounds like she has moved on without you. What a cruel thing to do. Best way to cope is try and get thoughts of her being with another dude out of your mind as quickly as the thoughts rushed in.

Best of luck and sorry you are in your current situation.

November 6, 2008

Hello all,
I am recently seperated been 10 days now. wife asked me to leave our home after 16 years.Last time I spoke with my wife on sunday she said that she was looking forward to meeting someone with whom she has the same interests with. Said we had nothing in common except for our daughter. She then said i should go a find a quickie to help me through this i told her I didnt want a quickie that I wanted her.. well she proceeded to tell me that she didnt want me in her life or anyway and to get the message through my head..

Man how do you let go of someone so quickly and be so cold to them ? she is not even the same person she was 2 months ago.. it blows my mind but my question is how do you all cope with the thought of your significant other sleeping with someone else.. I am having such a tough time putting these thoughts out of my head I have tried thinking of other stuff but nothing seems to work.......... any suggestions please

I know exactly how your feeling with regards to picturing your significant other with someone else, just thought I'd let you know that your not the only one!!

November 6, 2008

I know exactly how your feeling with regards to picturing your significant other with someone else, just thought I'd let you know that your not the only one!!

thanks.. all the signs pointed to another man but I dont want to think about that or entertain the possibilities. I am having a hard enough time dealing with the loss of my wife and family.

thanks friend !! try and keep your sririts high !

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