soulseeker Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 This may get a bit wordy, so I apologize. BF and I moved to a new city together a month ago and moved in together as well, we had been dating a year. We are both in our 30's. I am the first woman he has lived with, and first room mate in over 14 years. Things have been up and down since we moved in. Not to say I havent had my reservations from the very beginning, but I am always in my head analyzing, so I chalk a lot of my worries up to that. What's bothering me? -I dont feel as though he is very supportive of me in difficult situations. Maybe this is where we dont communicate well to one another, not sure yet. -Before we moved, we made plans to visit both of our families for Xmas, and even bought tickets to a sporting event in one of the cities. Now we are each just visiting our own families. Neither one of us is working, so money is an issue, and we are each saving about 500 just in flights by just visiting our own family. I KNOW in my head that we changed plans due to money, BUT I cant get that into my heart. -Sex hasnt been great. Which I know is a result of this transition, not working, etc. But, if we were a good match, shouldnt all of this not effect it? -He doesnt tell me he loves me nearly as often as before we moved in. I take this to heart, but perhaps I should not. I guess that is where I am truly torn. How much difficulty should there be in a relationship that is working? For those of you in good relationships (Touche comes to mind) what are your thoughts on this? Did you/do you ever question the person you are with? How often are you "let down" by your so? I dont know if I even have realistic expectations of a relationship. Dont get me wrong, I DO love my bf very much. I'm just confused and have too much time on my hands. Any perspective is appreciated.
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Sorry in advance as my post will probably not be any help whatsoever. My situation is completely different but yet has its simularities to yours. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and am beginning to wonder if it is me having unrealistic expectations or him not giving/being enough for me to be satisfied with. I think you need to ask yourself, what do YOU want from a relationship? From the biggest right down to the smallest of things. Why do you fear NOT having these things? Does he do all of them? Has he never done some of them? Really dig deep to the root of each thing, even if they go on and on and on. The things you feel you need and that he can give, ask him about. Those that don't really matter, let go.
Author soulseeker Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Thanks Nikki. I appreciate your comments, and you ask some good questions. I guess I just want to be adored, which is how I felt before we moved in. Now, I'm feeling like he could take me or leave me. Such a different feeling. I dont want to waste my time with someone who isnt crazy about me. Today, for instance, he left two hours early for a sport practice. I guess it's just hard for me to not take that personally, that its just him needing space. I know he is seeing a side of me that is new to him, and it just feels like he isnt as in to me as he was. Sucks. I dont want to give up too early, you know, before the adjustment period is over. But how long does one wait?
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I know exactly what you're saying! Every girl is raised to want to feel like a princess - just as you said, adored, cherished, really valued and made to feel special. Sometimes I think it's such a bad thing that girls are raised to find this validation and this special worth through men. It's not and then Snow White got a job and lived happily ever after! Or Cinderella went travelling and lived happily ever after! It's always the man and the Prince that gives them their happily ever after and I think for many women that becomes engrained especially through many media outlets as we grow older. I think it's that thing of you've passed the honeymoon stage and your relationship changes. Now you're living together, it may be easier to take each other for granted because you see each other every day and have less space from each other. Now it is natural for you both to want space but it is hard when one person wants more space and the other is happier giving more time to their relationship. We all have our priorities and sometimes we don't all rate things on the same scale. He may feel now you are living together, that other things take higher priority because you and he are always together and have taken that step so rather than having to make time for you, he now has to make time for other things. You may feel like you need that reassurance and confirmation that your relationship is till okay. Realistically you HAVE that confirmation, you live together don't you and thats a pretty big committed step? But I fully get that it's the little things not always the grand gestures that mean the most. Maybe have a word that you feel the dynamics of your relationship are changing. Initiate something special such as a night out or a romantic meal. Sometimes the best way to get a message across is to SHOW it in action yourself. Actions speak louder than words! Communicate your concerns and see how he responds. It's the first step.
Ronni_W Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I know he is seeing a side of me that is new to him, and it just feels like he isnt as in to me as he was. Sucks. That is part and parcel of the transition phase -- after all, you are seeing a new side of him that you aren't all that into, either . Likely he is feeling it, too, and it sucks for him, too. The thing that I've come to realize is that MEN also want and need to feel adored and cherished. (I think they hide it from us for fear that we'll think they're sissies or something .) In my observations, there are differences in how women and men feel adored -- and there are individual preferences, of course. So it is up to us to reveal what makes us feel special, and also to find out what makes our partner feel like that. Have you talked with him about your concerns? They are reasonable and valid, and the sooner you two address them, the less impact all this 'new stuff' will have on your relationship. Something along the lines of "I love what we have going on here, and I don't only want to preserve it but make it better and stronger. What do you need, for that to happen? And here are some things that I need." It sounds as if you may be ignoring your own wisdom and better judgments, sometimes. If you KNOW not to take some things personally, then just don't allow them to get into your headspace on that level. If you KNOW why plans have changed, then satisfy your mind AND heart with that knowledge. It's self-management of thoughts -- otherwise you risk coming across as needy, clingy, insecure...and it sounds like neither of you will be too into that. Have a relaxed, loving chat with him. He loves you and wants you in his life, or he wouldn't have agreed to move cities and live with you, is my strong guess. And he likely is also feeling a little lost, disconnected and 'not cherished' at this point. Support and encourage him as much as you want and need to be supported - you two are a wonderful, loving TEAM! Best of luck in your new city -- wishing you both much happiness and success.
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