NC letter tip for WS

[pkn06002]

Hey for those WS here that have not been caught yet. If you ever are here is a tip for you.

 

Don't ever send the NC letter, why because courts may consider that evidence of the affair, like a confession. Could also be used in an alienation of affection court case.

 

So just say no!

[OWoman]

Hey for those WS here that have not been caught yet. If you ever are here is a tip for you.

 

Don't ever send the NC letter, why because courts may consider that evidence of the affair, like a confession. Could also be used in an alienation of affection court case.

 

So just say no!

 

"Evidence" used by whom, to what end? If used by the OW / fOW, surely she'd have enough other evidence she could use - though to what end she'd want to use it I'm not clear. If by the BS, surely they'd have to get their hands on it first - and again, that would be as feasible as getting their hands on any other evidence (text messages, emails, credit card slips, phone records, etc).

 

I'm not sure why this particular communication stands out so much?

[pkn06002]

"Evidence" used by whom, to what end? If used by the OW / fOW, surely she'd have enough other evidence she could use - though to what end she'd want to use it I'm not clear. If by the BS, surely they'd have to get their hands on it first - and again, that would be as feasible as getting their hands on any other evidence (text messages, emails, credit card slips, phone records, etc).

 

I'm not sure why this particular communication stands out so much?

 

If it all depends if there was other evidence and a confession always is better then other evidence.

 

For a BS this could be of a benefit.

 

So any WS would be foolish to send one of these, just does not benefit them if things go south.

[OWoman]

If it all depends if there was other evidence and a confession always is better then other evidence.

 

For a BS this could be of a benefit.

 

So any WS would be foolish to send one of these, just does not benefit them if things go south.

 

Why would a NC letter constitute a confession? Surely "please do not contact me again" is not a confession? Or are you suggesting the actual break up itself be conducted via mail? A bit like texting someone talaq talaq talaq to divorce them?

[marriedandsad]

OP does have a good point. Ever heard of the OW and the BS getting together because they were both scorned? Yeah, it happens. Of course then there is the option to not have an affair...

[pkn06002]

Why would a NC letter constitute a confession? Surely "please do not contact me again" is not a confession? Or are you suggesting the actual break up itself be conducted via mail? A bit like texting someone talaq talaq talaq to divorce them?

 

I am not talking about a break up with your married partner letter. The letter that a WS is forced to send by their BS when an affair is found out.

 

The no contact never just says, "don't contact me again". Every letter you see that a BS would approve will have information about how the affair was wrong etc...

 

So the WS by agreeing to that letter confesses to the affair.

[Owl]

Considering how few "fault" states are, and the even fewer number that have "alienation of affection" still on the books, this seems like a moot point for the vast majority of posters out there.

 

And while this 'could' be used as evidence against an WS in those rare cases, the only possible reason a WS would have for sending this letter would be if they're attempting to reconcile their marriage.

 

If they're trying to reconcile...this should be even less of a risk.

 

And considering the tremendous benefit sending this letter has on their chances of reconciling...and the huge additional betrayal that the WS adds to the situation by refusing...there's more pluses to doing an NC letter than there are than not.

 

Its the first step that the WS can take to rebuild the trust shattered by their affair.

 

Now...if there's no intent to reconcile...then there's no point in sending the letter. If the intention is to deceive the BS into thinking that you're willing to reconcile, but just intend to continue the affair...you'd be right, sending it could bite them in the butt later...but then again, if they refuse to send it, that's going to be the first indication to the BS that they're lying about their intentions...Catch22.

[Reggie]

Agrre with OWl on the no fault thing. Courts don't give a rip about infidelity , so why worry.

And, as OWl points out, only a WS attempting to reconcile would be sending one. So, the choice is always the WS's in that regard. If it is a condition precedent for the BS to consider R, then the BS simply draws the line and leaves upon refusal. Simple.

[frannie]

Agrre with OWl on the no fault thing. Courts don't give a rip about infidelity , so why worry.

And, as OWl points out, only a WS attempting to reconcile would be sending one. So, the choice is always the WS's in that regard. If it is a condition precedent for the BS to consider R, then the BS simply draws the line and leaves upon refusal. Simple.

 

Hmm, I don't know. Any BS who hasn't made a decision whether to ultimately reconcile would still want to send a NC letter. Only later they may decide that reconciliation is not an option; you see this every day on surviving infidelity forums. At that point, I think any letter signed by the WS would become a piece of evidence that the affair took place.

 

Obviously that depends on the nature of the wording. But if its along the lines of some I've read, 'the time we spent together meant nothing to me and was only about sex' or whatever, that is pretty conclusive.

 

Yes, it may not be of any import in 'no fault' states of the US, but this site is open to many others for whom those laws are very different. So I think it's definitely something for a WS to think about.

[Owl]

I'd completely agree that anyone that gets into a situation that may lead to divorce should absolutely learn and understand the laws of their location before they do anything.

 

But...I also will continue to point out that this step is CRITICAL for the recovery of the marriage. Refusing to take this step can be a tremendous setback or roadblock...very likely an insurmountable one...to the possibility of reconciling the marriage.

 

So the WS had better be giving some very serious thought to what outcome they want before they decide not to do this.

[jwi71]

Agrre with OWl on the no fault thing. Courts don't give a rip about infidelity , so why worry.

 

I'll disagree with a caveat.

 

Three types of Judges:

1) These judges don't give a rats tail about it.

2) These judges HATE it and will immediately grant custody to the BS.

3) Judges who will weigh the circumstances. If the affair is the event which led to the proceeding, it will work against the WS to some measurable degree.

 

This came from my lawyer. He says in his experience most judges are type 3. Meaning if you have an affair, it works against you to some degree depending on the judge. I then asked if the same held true for the circumstances which led to the affair. His reply was essentially there are other options which are not cause for divorce to repair/heal the marriage - such as a no-fault divorce.

 

My experience/conversations anyway.

[Reggie]

If one lives in a jurisdiction where infidelity is relevant, why would that person be worried about evidence of the affair, unless he or she intended to commit perjury? Surely there will be an inquiry under oath. And, even if the cheater was willing to perjure him/herself, it is very unlikely that the affair can't be demonstrated in other ways.

Basically, the only reasons to refuse are if the WS has no intention of reconciling(assuming the Bs is making an NC letter a condition) or the WS is willing to commit perjury.

[frannie]

If one lives in a jurisdiction where infidelity is relevant, why would that person be worried about evidence of the affair, unless he or she intended to commit perjury? Surely there will be an inquiry under oath. And, even if the cheater was willing to perjure him/herself, it is very unlikely that the affair can't be demonstrated in other ways.

Basically, the only reasons to refuse are if the WS has no intention of reconciling(assuming the Bs is making an NC letter a condition) or the WS is willing to commit perjury.

 

I don't know about the laws on this (wherever everyone is, very difficult to talk generally on this topic!), but I wouldn't have thought it would even get to court if there is no actual admissable evidence?

 

Just throwing in that in the UK you have six months to file based on infidelity, and you do need some kind of proof. If you leave it over 6 months, then it can take up to 5 years to get a divorce, so something like this might be crucial. However, I don't know the ins and outs not even of laws in my own country so I can't really argue much one way or the other. I just thought the OP had a point that it might be important to some, in some circumstances.

 

Also, to Owl: not all BSs have even heard of a 'no contact letter', nor if they have do they bother to insist that one is sent. It seems to be something that is popular on forums such as this, but of course the vast majority of the world don't post or read in these places.

[Owl]

Frannie, something to consider...

 

I didn't know anything about this or any other forum until well after d-day. As a matter of fact...you'll note that my "time" on LS starts in Oct '04...but d-day was actually in early May '04.

 

Yet even without knowing anything about the MB plans, or this site or any others...I KNEW that the only hope my marriage would have is if my wife sent a clear, STRONG message to OM ending the affair.

 

I didn't insist on it in the first few weeks because at that point I had no idea if she would even consider reconciliation.

 

But...once she made that choice...the very next contact that she rcvd from OM I INSISTED that she send an "NC letter"...without having any idea that it was part of some kind of "plan".

 

She did. He responded immediately with an apology for contacting her and an agreement to end completely. NC was broken one more time by her a short time later...and rebuffed by HIM because of that NC letter.

 

And that was the last contact they had.

 

Depending on the nature of the affair...you'll find that a lot of BS's insist on SOMETHING along these lines, regardless of knowledge of a "plan" or not for recovery.

 

Its a very common requirement that contact ends...and it ends in a fashion that the BS can SEE the communication to end the affair.

[OWoman]

His reply was essentially there are other options which are not cause for divorce to repair/heal the marriage - such as a no-fault divorce.

 

Depending on where you are. No fault divorce can take up to five years, whereas "fault" divorces are far quicker.

 

(At least in theory)

[pelicanpreacher]

Depending on where you are. No fault divorce can take up to five years, whereas "fault" divorces are far quicker.

 

(At least in theory)

 

Please expand upon this theory!

[OWoman]

Please expand upon this theory!

 

In the UK, "no fault" divorce takes between two and five years, depending on contestation. But certainly no less than two years - assuming mutual agreement to divorce, the party suing for divorce must be able to prove that s/he and the spouse have been living completely separate lives, with nothing in common, for at least two years (separate utilities bills from separate addresses, separate social circles, etc). This, of course, excludes the length of time of the actual D process - depending on the court and how speedy it is, that could take anything from weeks to months to more than a year.

 

"Quick" divorce is possible on two grounds only - adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Both require evidence - either an admission (by the accused party, since the person who committed the adultery is not able to sue on the grounds of their own infidelity) [including dates and places, but not requiring the name/s of AP/s in the case of infidelity] or an argument with substantiation (eg, if you're claiming that your spouse's behaviour is "unreasonable", you have to be able to argue WHY and HOW it is unreasonable, sufficiently motivated to convince a judge that the marriage has broken down irretrievably). If both parties are in agreement, and can agree any financial and child custody arrangements as may be necessary, then it's just a case of court process time (again, anything from weeks to months to more than a year).

 

The process itself requires papers to be lodged, and a decree nisi sought. After this is issued, a statutory period of 6 weeks has to lapse before a decree absolute can be sought. Once that is issued, the parties are formally divorced.

 

Why the theory doesn't always match with the practice boils down to the grounds being "fault" and so the chances of agreement are rather small. Even if there is no contestation - and contestation can lead to the process running on for years - the details of the agreement (financial and custody) can take a good while to hammer out, especially if one party feels aggrieved and wants to milk the situation to their own ends, or the other feels guilty and isn't thinking rationally, or both parties are so hostile that any negotiation has to be done via neutral parties and even then with difficulty... So in practice, it's seldom as "quick" as would seem from the statute.

 

In my home country, things are very different. All D is "no fault" and the state has absolutely no interest in prolonging a M that at least one party wants out of - the only proviso being the assurance that proper consideration is given to any minor children, since the state's only concern is to act in the best interest of the children. So it's pretty quick there - mere weeks at most.

[pelicanpreacher]

So I can presume that the "Quick" divorce option is not available in your SP's country of orgin?

[OWoman]

So I can presume that the "Quick" divorce option is not available in your SP's country of orgin?

 

Well, it's taken longer than a pregnancy so far... though we're hoping for a nice christmas present.