saraswati Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hello all, I have read a lot of posts and have found a lot of valuable information. I feel inclined to share my story and would love some feed back. I might be the dumbest man on the planet. back in august my wife, daughter and I were walking out of a restaurant and an old friend of hers passed us, recognized her and told her that an old boyfriend had enquired about her. he told her where he was working (outside the us) that night she looked him up and asked me if i minded if she made contact with him. I felt confident that she would have a how are you doing/how is life conversation and drop it so I said that it would be okay. I even helped her pick out a headset so that they could do a voice chat. 3 weeks later she was head over heals in love. I hadn't heard much about him and i started to get a bad feeling. I worked late one night, when i got home i acted on my impulses and picked through her computer. I found a love letter from him to her. I printed it out and woke her up. I told her that the relationship needed to end. she complied, supposedly. we had a really rough week. I got that sinking feeling and put a keylogger on her computer. I got control of the account she was using to communicate with. I read everything she sent him. I have never been through anything so psychologically damaging. She has never written anything to me like that, with the same degree of passion. I confronted her again and we went through each email page by page. she stopped the long distance relationship. she requested that we get into marriage counseling. we have been going regularly for a month and a half, but she still doesn't think of me as anything more than a friend. we have a daughter, a house, debt, the whole 9 yards. I don't know what to do. I love her deeply. we have known each other since we were 13 years old. we were best friends in our early adolescense and dated late in highschool. she came to college with me and we lived together all but one semester. during that semester she met the OM and dated for a mere 3 months. we then got back together and have been togther ever since. I know that she is committed to working on the marriage, but I cant seem to unfreeze her. we had a bottle of wine and made love on saturday. on sunday she was more distant than she had been in a week or more. I have been emotionally devastated/extremely vulnerable. I am getting stronger with the help of time and medication. If anyone out there has some helpful advice it would be teriffic. I am struggling to find the truth in this whole fiasco. a lot of damaging stuff has been said by the both of us and a lot is left to be said. I am struggling with how to handle the whole thing. I cant tell if I should pursue or withdraw. any thoughts? any help?
2sure Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hello and know you have plenty of company. The fact that your wife requested MC is a good start. During your time there have you discussed if you both have the same goal regarding the marriage. Have you both decided you want to stay married? Has the OM man been told there is to be no further contact? There are steps to take and outing this secret relationship is important. Does your wife realistically think she is in love with this man? Not just lonely or bored or relishing the past? Do you want to forgive her?
TrustInYourself Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 The fantasy is always better than reality. It's hard to contend. She's probably aware of this, rationally, but emotionally...she's lost. So the question is, what are you both made of? Can you contend with this crisis and survive? That depends. I would be careful about validating her little fantasies. Don't make things hard on her, but at the same time you have to be there for her. You're in a difficult position and I hope professionals can help you both through it. Best wishes.
Recommended Posts