Sinner86 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I'm really confused. This time, I mean it. I have given a brief history on my ex and I in other posts but in a small summary, I dated my ex when I was 15 years old until I was 18. He's 5 years older than I and ended up getting married to a girl without telling me two weeks after my 18th birthday. I have carried a lot of anger and hurt over this for years but I have gotten over it. I have dated others and had good relationships but for some reason I always missed my ex. In the five years that he was married, my ex has repeatedly tried to make contact with me and has even contacted my relatives for my phone number. Whenever we go to family functions (we have mutual relatives), he always makes eye contact and has always tried some way or the other to slip me his number. In June we met up at a family function and things took off from there. The first two months that we started dating again were great. He always called, always wanted to see me, he never exactly showered me with gifts but he always made time for me and I was grateful to see him grow up and be more sensitive to others' feelings. It's now November and five months later I feel like he's gotten way too comfortable with having me in his life. A lot of people on here advised me to stay away from him until he heals over his divorce and etc but when I tried it he was emotional about it. When I didn't return his calls for several days he went terrorist on me and kept calling. I find that when I don't call him or bother picking up his calls he's more aggressive in his contact but other than that...he doesn't do much more to show me he appreciates me. He has never gotten me anything; nothing symbolic... I don't get any flowers, any cards, nothing from him, not even like a small stupid thing like, "Oh I saw this and it reminded me of you." I do ALOT for him. He was freaking drunk two weekends ago and chucked all over his truck.. who do you think cleaned that? ME! I have never gotten much from him in return but that's not the problem. I don't want any gifts from him or anything monetary. I guess my issue is that he's stopped reciprocating. He doesn't say I love you anymore, doesn't call as much, has sporadic moments when he needs me but that's about it. I keep trying to tell myself, Kate... he's going through a divorce. You know his ex-wife bitched about everything and the last thing you want to do is look like a clone of his ex. I also keep thinking that nagged him a lot and the last thing he needs is his current girlfriend nagging him too... so I never talk about anything like that. In fact, anytime I try to talk to him about us... it becomes akward. Like I feel like I have no right to talk to him about "us" because he's still going through this divorce. And last but not least, he never talks openly about us or the future. Everything is confined I feel like I need to get it pinched out of him... so I just stop asking questions. Sometimes I feel like I need to be understanding because he's going through a divorce but if he wants to be with me doesn't he know that communication IS important from time to time? ... I do believe he loves me and cares for me because there's no way all these years would have passed and we still feel the same way if he didn't or I didn't. I need advice, some real hardcore advice. I know I can get some here. Should I walk out of his life and allow him to come back to me when he's ready to openly commit? Should I just talk to him and worry about his reaction later? I mean ...wtf is a girl to do? Anyone's thoughts?
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Sometimes actions speak louder than words. In my own experiences, I've found nagging a guy or trying to start up conversation about lack of romance is never really effective in the end. My advice, then, would be to kind of... back off in the relationship for a bit. Distance yourself somewhat and see where he goes from there. Most likely, he'll notice you pulling away, and he will in turn, want to pull you back towards him. Getting comfortable in a relationship is a tricky thing, and while its great in some regards, it definitely causes problems too. Rather than turning these problems into drama, it seems a lot easier to just space yourself from him, and let him pursue you. While the honey moon phase may still be over, men enjoy pursuing woman and if you give him the chance, he'll probably chase you. **Edit: Don't pull too far away though, that could send off the wrong signals. Be subtle in your actions, but not subtle enough that they go entirely unnoticed, if that makes sense.
Author Sinner86 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Ok, so I make some space. What does that mean exactly? Am I making myself less available? How much time am I devoting to him...I need answers people lo!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Well I don't know how much time you normally spend with him, or how often you call/text/e-mail, but I'd just cut back on it a little bit. Nothing too over the top, but make yourself less available to him, in theory, he should come around.
sunshinegirl Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Quite honestly your story doesn't bode well. In your zeal to NOT be like the ex-wife, you're not being yourself and you are denying your own needs for communication in this relationship. I had a very very similar relationship for over a year (it ended in May). My BF was in the process of divorcing his wife, and he described her as high-maintenance. So what did I do? Try to be very LOW-maintenance. I was the cool girlfriend, the totally non-jealous girlfriend, the GF with her own life... but I also became the non-communicative GF because I feared he would see it as high-maintenance. Ugh. Mine is a longer story, but the gist is this: if you can't communicate well within your relationship, you have a crap relationship. I also think you're lying a bit to yourself that you don't want/need/care to receive acknowledgement every now and then from your BF about his feelings and care for you. I also got none of that, and I kept telling myself it was okay. But you know what? It wasn't okay. I was living in an environment of emotional deprivation. I gave him a lot; my mistake was never expecting enough (and thus never getting enough) in return. I think you're making the same mistake.
Author Sinner86 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 I don't know how much more distance I can bear. I see him once a week for a few hours. It's like parental visitation or something. And sunshinegirl, you're right I have been lying to myself about not wanting the occasional proofs of appreciation and admiration. I still don't know what to do.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Quite honestly your story doesn't bode well. In your zeal to NOT be like the ex-wife, you're not being yourself and you are denying your own needs for communication in this relationship. I had a very very similar relationship for over a year (it ended in May). My BF was in the process of divorcing his wife, and he described her as high-maintenance. So what did I do? Try to be very LOW-maintenance. I was the cool girlfriend, the totally non-jealous girlfriend, the GF with her own life... but I also became the non-communicative GF because I feared he would see it as high-maintenance. I think Sunshine is right, especially since you're saying you barely see him as it is! I just recently got out a relationship where my ex never did anything thoughtful for me. Well, he did when we first started dating, but once he got comfortable with me, he completely gave up on those kinds of efforts. I was terrified of being high maintenance by wanting more, and I spent most of my relationship with my ex suppressing my needs and telling myself what my ex was giving me was good enough - all I needed was love, right? I take back my comment about distancing yourself, because you are right, there is only so much distance you can make. If you're only seeing him once a week as it is, I say get out of the relationship and move on to better things. If he was truly committed and all over you, I am sure he'd find a way to make more time for you than once a week. And... he'd make efforts to show you that you mean something to him! With my ex, I clung on until the very end. I honestly fooled myself into thinking he'd come around someday. Eventually, he left me for another woman. Now, I don't suspect your man will do that to you, however! You have put what you can into this relationship, and perhaps now it is time to walk away from it, before he takes more from you.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 What happened is actually quite simple: he is losing interest in putting forth much of an effort to keep you. He'll probably stick around if youll accept the bare minimum effort and he feels like he can get what he wants out of you when he wants it, but sooner or later, you'll get tired of him or whatever minimal effort he is putting in will be too much for him. Instead of being able to be yourself, you have to be what his ex was not. Thats not fair to you. Like a couple people have said already, sometimes we talk ourselves into believing that were happy in a situation when we really arent, because it seems easier to make what you have work than to start all over with someone else. From now on, youre busy whatever day he wants to hang out. And youre not interested in things with him at all unless there are some changes. Honestly, I think you should break up with him, because either it will save you the emotional hurt of him doing it down the road, or it will serve as a wake up call for him to get his act together if he wants to be with you.
Shindig Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I agree with Tokyo. He needs to feel the distance you're feeling. It is easy to take someone for granted, especially if you're always the one who arranges meetings and calls or texts. If you always reach out to him, he doesn't have much incentive to reach out to you. I can assure you, however, he'll notice if you don't. I know it is hard but stop calling, don't text, and lost his e-mail address. Wait for him to come to you. Take up a new hobby to distract yourself.
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