SgtPepper Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hi All, My story is a bit different from others that I have read, yet has many similarities. I am a woman and have been in a relationship with another woman for the past 8 years. I have co-parented her daughter, we have a house together, and we have dogs, stuff, photo albums, lawn furniture, etc. It was as if we were married. My ex left her husband for me and over the first 4 years of our relationship, struggled with missing him and trying to decide if she should go back to him. That never happened and he has since remarried and has another child. A month ago, I discovered that my ex had been sending sexual texts to a younger man she met on a business trip. She said that she has been trying to figure out how she can stay in this relationship with me while also wanting to date men. She said that her desire to be with a man had become too strong to ignore. Ultimately, she did have casual sex with Mr. Text Message while on another business trip and when she returned, we broke up. However, she also said that she has never been able to break up with me until now because she is afraid of losing me completely. We are best friends and I have to confess that the idea of losing her friendship kills me. Our finances have not permitted us to seperate yet (although I could go stay with a friend if absolutely necessary) and she has agreed to hold off on dating men until we can seperate our lives. Overall, we have been able to get along and talk about what our relationship would look like if we were to be friends. I have come through the shock and trauma of being cheated on and understanding that what I thought would be my future was not really going to be (thanks largely to this forum). However, I am still very sad, as you can all probably understand. Some people have suggested that my ex is getting all that she wants if we remain friends. She gets to date men and she gets to keep me. I am really confused. I DO want to be friends with her. I DO want to keep a place in my life for her. I just am not sure if I am giving too much of myself. Is that even the right way to look at it? Is it right for me to withhold my friendship out of spite? Or, will it just be too painful for me to watch her jump into the dating world? She says that she still loves me, but cannot commit to our relationship as it existed for the past 8 years anymore. I know I still love her and am working on shutting off the romantic aspect of that love, but it isn't easy. I wish I could run through this painful stuff and just come out of the tunnel as friends.
sb129 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Sounds to me that she is getting her cake and eating it as well. She wants to have it all- to be able to date men as well as having the stability of you and the familiar household as a stable base/ fallback. If you can't live like that, tell her. Her wishes are supremely selfish and aren't going to help you to move on. You need to either make a commitment or a proper break- ie living separate lives. You will never heal if you don't. I wish you well.
Ronni_W Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I just am not sure if I am giving too much of myself. Is that even the right way to look at it? Yes, that is the right way to look at it -- It is self-responsible to take care of your own well-being. Do you want to, and are you willing to, sacrifice your own happiness and peace of mind? Even if she is extremely considerate and discreet about her dating life, it will be painful for you. Yes, of course. So, it is a choice that you will have to make, as to whether or not you are willing to deal with that pain privately (that is, without taking it to her.) Which, of course it is possible to withstand that kind of pain -- you won't die from it...but you will need incredibly strong support systems, and perhaps even a grief/loss therapist on whom you can call when it gets really too tough. But. As SB said, a decision to maintain the relationship exactly the way it currently looks, is also a decision to delay the most significant portion of your own healing. That just seems to be how it is. So, it may come down to what you want more for yourself -- a friendship in which there is rather large imbalance, with you getting the "short end"...or to first work towards your own recovery with the goal of being able to later create a new friendship where you are both equals, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. At the end of the day, though, it really doesn't matter what are your external advisers' and supporters' opinions about your situation...it is only what your own heart feels and your own mind thinks, that really counts. Best of luck. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Author SgtPepper Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Thank you to both of you for your thoughts. This is not the first time that I have heard that I am letting her have her cake and eat it too, which is why I am really trying to consider what is best for me. I don't want to be taken for a fool and kept "on ice" as a backup plan. I am not sure if I can deal with the reality of her dating other people. Honestly, sometimes it kills me, but I am starting to get a little bit of the "well, they can have her and let THEM deal with what I have had to deal with" attitude from time to time. Ronni, you are so right that I have to decide if I want to take on that pain and deal with it, although I am fortunate to have found a good therapist to help me work through it. I am going to do my best to listen to my heart and my head and allow them to lead me down the right path, but when they go in two different directions, it gets confusing.
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