Angel1111 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 She's definitely on the road to recovery. She'll still have ups and downs, though, so expect that. The holidays are probably really going to kick in the emotions again. She may not understand why she tells you the things she does, but she does it because you were probably her best friend and it's natural for her to still think of you that way. That's really good because it gives the two of you a foundation to build on. I'm glad things are going well. I like the slow pace because it's more likely to be a stronger recovery. She's still very protective of herself but that's totally understandable. Just keep doing what you're doing - be there for her and show her you mean business about sticking by her and being her best friend.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thank you Angel for the kind words and ecouragement. The holidays or going to be rough. I can already feel some anxiety as we approach Thanksgiving. But yeah, we have always been able to communicate and be open. I foolishly chose a horrible path. Its was strange, because 2 day's after the break up we talked on the phone. Even though her family said not to ever speak to me again. She is a very speacial person, i always appretiated our conversations during the relationship. From reading "the five languages of apology" there is so much i have done wrong in our relationship. After doing some reading , i feel like a *** for not treating her better. I should have valued her opinons and efforts to make us happy. I'm learning so much now about relationships and how to treat people. Its just so tragic i learn after the relationship ended . Well now i know....and knowing is half the battle. If this relationship is rebuilt, or the next relationship i'm in...im cofident i'm going to work my ass off to be a good BF/husband.
Angel1111 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Well, it may be sad that you're learning at this point, but it may have been your wake-up call, and may have been the only thing that would've woken you up. A lot of people never get it, so don't beat yourself up too much. I have a theory about relationships - whether you're married or not - that you should always treat them like a date. This person you spend your life with is not someone to be ignored, or talked down to, or dismissed, or yelled out. I'm a very strong believer in keeping the romance alive. It doesn't mean it's constant work or that you can't be yourself, or that you won't have arguments, but it does mean that you stay alert as to how you're projecting yourself to this person - the most significant person in your life. If the two of you get back together, I would recommend having personal conversations with certain family members of hers - the ones who are the most pissed off with you - and let them know that you understand their concerns about you, that you understand the gravity of what you've done, etc. They may not acquiecse at that time, but it'll make an impression on them. Then when they see that you have truly changed, they'll come back around.
Owl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Owl is ALWAYS right. The sooner that people start recognizing that...the sooner they'll start being happy!!! :D :D :D
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 thanks for the suggestion angel. When/if we ever get to that point, thats what i would like to do. Maybe have her invite them over, and invite my parents over and just explain my remorse and how i understand the full scope of what i did. But thats wayyyyy in the future, if it even happens. Dont want to put the horse before the cart. 3 weeks after the break-up, i sent her parents a apology letter, for hurting thier daughter, and betraying thier trust. They told my ex "i dont know why he sent this, like you two will get back together"....they had no idea we had been talking since day 2 of the break-up. So as the months pass by, maybe thier dissapointment will lessen. By then i should be ready to be thrown to the wolves, lol.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 I'm not sure what just happened. This might be it. I'ts like treading water in the middle of the ocean. We were talking so well this for the past 5 days. Good conversations. She thanked me like 5 times for helping her out. Pleasant e-mails.We talked today....and it started off good, then turned for the worst. she started crying. She said she was very angry with me. She tried to push all the anger from the cheating and lying in the back of her mind...but i guess it came out. She didnt address it fully. And it came out again. This is conversation #5 trying to explain my cheating and reckless behavior. "I still cant believe YOU hid this from me"..."you wasted 3 years of my life"..."how could you love and cheat and hid things"..."I should have trusted my insticts and never let myself get hurt like this again". ...and she went on for about 8 min's.....I just listened. I'm not ashamed to say i cried a couple of times while she cried and spoke. The one thing that stood out was when she said "i revolved my whole life around you, and this is what i get...hurt,pain and disrespect".....that stung the most. I think its time. I love her, but i dont know how much i should take. I try and be supportive, i want to. I listen, i really do. But these cycles, are so bad. I realize, i hurt her, i realize i broke that speacial bond, i realze i lied, i realize i drug her into this ugly mess. I realize that the person i was then...is not the person now. I tried explaining all the factors that were involved in my cheating, but no answer is good enough. But i cant undo.....what has happned. She know ths changes i have made. She seen my personality has improved. She knows i see a psychologist for bi-polar and honesty issues. She's even commended me on taking a pro-active step in being a better person. She keeps saying "This new you....this isnt the man i knew". I spent 15 minutes trying to explain to her i DID love her...i made a horrible mistakes. Its like talking to rock....she dosent want to understand it seems like. I want to help her get through this...but i think i did all i can do. I dont think reconcilliation is even a option at this point. I just see no end to this cycle of Caring, angry, crying...then apologizing to me for bringing it up. It's like she wants me to keep feeling bad for what i did...i noticed a cold "good", after i told her i should have loved her and only her. Just need some support or words....i know this isnt healthy. Maybe i should stop ansering her calls.....This just seems eternal. I'm mentally tired. Why dosent she just say "i need to move on and heal by myself"...without contacting me? Its like week 2 all over again . Just so confused and mentally drained. ANY advice would be good
samsungxoxo Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Yea you might want to stop answering her calls. And well I think you should move on with your life and leave this in the past, she's very hurt and confused now. Maybe forever it didn't stick in but now it's starting to, she must be like ''well if he loved me why cheat''. Try focusing on other things in life (work, friends, career if you have one, family, entertainments, places where you hang out with friends) other beating yourself with this, it won't help you, bad for your health. And in the future when you have a new g/f and the same issues that led to your cheating appear address them right away.
Angel1111 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I'm sorry this happened and it does get old after awhile when there seems to be no resolution in sight. It is still fresh in her mind so I do understand her pain, but she needs to handle things differently. Your cheating doesn't give her a free-for-all in beating you up on a constant basis. However, I wouldn't just stop answering her calls. That would just make things worse and you would lose any ground you've made with her. It's never over until it's over and right now I think it's just too soon to say for sure what's going to happen. I do think that you need to back off for now and the next time she contacts you, discuss this with her. Let her know that you realize you made a huge mistake, maybe an unfixable mistake, but that if there is no way to move forward, why continue staying in contact. See what she says and then go with your instincts. Maybe the best thing to do would be to agree to stop communicating for a given amount of time - say 2 or 3 mos - and agree that one of you will contact the other on a particular date at a certain time. At that time, you can discuss it again and see where things stand. That way, she doesn't feel like you're completely deserting her, and you don't get caught in the path of the hurricane over and over again. And if you both agree to this and she tries to contact you during that time, then respond but with something like, "Remember what we said - no contact until xxx." I don't think that time apart would hurt anything, to be honest. Especially bypassing the holiday season when emotions tend to run high. There's a part of her that is trying to connect with you again, but then the other part of her remembers the pain you've caused and it becomes an endless emotional loop. Maybe if she has time to process it on her own, then things might turn around. If nothing else, it will give the two of you some time to make peace with the situation.
LittleDove Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 You sound like an incredible guy, who has done much more than most, to try and 'fix' what you did, and had my X been anything like you, I would have stayed with him. Be proud of the changes you have made, AND the empathy you have shown your gf. I think you have shown remorse, and been truly sorry, and have shown her you love her with no doubt. I understand her hurt, and what shes going through...its so hard, when I learned of cheating, I was sick for days..and angry forever. She will stay angry at you as long as theres contact. Sometimes out of the blue, the anger and hurt surface... thats the price you pay for 1.cheating, and 2. trying to heal the damage done. Everyone is different, but it wont end anytime soon. The pain is deep and irreversable, the innocence of the love is lost... memories are tainted..it can devastate a relationship. I used to say I should have just left, instead of having a year of fighting about it, forgive, or forget, its that simple. I believe it can be worked through, and left in the past, but for me it took ALOT of thinking after the break up to know this. Its part of healing, being angry, sometimes for no apparent reason-and it also wears the betrayer down, being abused for what you did time and time again, for ...well maybe YEARS if you got back together. I know I held on tight to my issue within my relationship and we fought about his cheating for over a year afterwards...until the end. (yes I took him back, or more like, I didnt leave...we tried to get through it, but he never showed remorse like you have, and I never really believed he was sorry, or understood what he had taken away from us..) So stay in touch, if you are in this for the long haul, but seek counselling, you will need to be strong and accept her pain until it subsides...learn how to deal with it. Even if you dont get back together, you have been wonderful in helping her heal, believe me. What you have done should help her to move on, or begin to want to trust again.
sarah_9 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Hello, Earn woman's trust back , man it is like picking star from the sky, very difficult job, they did not rely on a people easily, once they trust you it is like blind faith, but if it shatters, it is almost impossible to re build a broken trust. Regards, sarah_9
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I'm not sure if I said this at some point to you or not...but its a basic premise I try to give to anyone starting out in recovery. This is a marathon run...this is NOT a sprint. You can expect recovery to take anywhere from 2-5 years...2 years is if you both do EVERYTHING perfectly. Its a process...and your wife is entering an "anger phase". This is NORMAL. Trust me on that. Her behavior doesn't sound like its extreme...or unwarranted if you think about it. She's dealing with the emotional trauma of a lifetime here...comparable by many experts to that of losing a child, or being raped. You caused this trauma...and its up to you to help nurse her through it...bad times and good. This is one of the bad...and its an opportunity to let your ACTIONS speak louder than your words. Look up the five stages of grief... Don't give up. Don't see this as the end. And stop thinking about "how much should I have to take"...because the only answer to that is "as much as it takes". If you can't commit to that...bail out now.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Just want to thank everyone for the great advice. Angel111, Owl, Alice, dove and many others. BTW owl, she is my ex Gf...not wife. Which makes it a bit more complicated to work through, seeing how there is no vow. But yes, time to her self is needed...alot of time. I'll answer her when she contacts, but i'll just let her know i'l be supportive as i can....but she needs time to heal through the months. Our 4 year [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]anniversary [/FONT][/COLOR]is in March. So maybe we can arrange a call or meet on that date, to see how eacho ther are doing and where we stand. And yes, if by some miracle we resume the relationship at some point...i'm willing to work through it with everything i have. I love her that much. I love her even more now, than ever. Which is sad....because this is the way i should have felt the whole time. Once again, you guys are great. And i'll leave my past behind, and continue my efforts to becoming a better person for the future
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I can see what that would make a difference, dmoney. And I'll be honest with you...if she were to post here today...and ask what I think she should do, I'd tell her to leave you and not look back. Its not personal...I can appreciate all that you're trying to do here. Its that I have a major concern when cheating occurs BEFORE marriage. Because dating/etc...are all normally 'trial runs' for marriage, and that's when things are usually at their BEST. If it happens at that stage of a relationship, it makes the odds of it happening again after marriage even greater. So you most definitely face a difficult time ahead, my friend. But...you're showing some rare signs of maturity and intelligence...there is hope for you. I wish you well. I'll be glad to give you advice anytime.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 I understand owl. I have learned so much through this ordeal. And i am glad that i am maturing and showing some progress in my attitude and thinking. I feel like a diffrent person honestly. My family tells me that they havent seen me in this light for a VERY long time. I can see how this behaviour is a red flag. And i know "never say never". But honestly, this pain i caused is a clear reminder to me that i cannot cause it again. This has been the most traumatic experience i have ever gone through. It feels like i killed my child. Like 3 1/2 years of our lives I murdered. Over what ...20 minutes of pleasure. But yes, im going to be a better person in the future. As far as my GF. i'm giving her time to get through the 5 stages of grief. Its hard, because she keeps contacting me. Through most of this break up, she always intiated contact. 12:00am i got a pic txt msg of me a year ago with our dog. I'm afraid im a pushover when it comes to putting my foot down. I asked her if talking is going to be a problem for her to get through this...she said no. I should have told her instead. What makes the situation worse is my father is in the hospital again ( he had tripple bypass 4 months ago). My GF and him have been close, so she ask's about him alot. The more i accpet the relationship is over..over. I can go longer without talking to her without feeling like crap. I support her every way possible still. Just to get her through this above anything at all. I owe her this at least for what i did. But as soon as the conversation heads towards the blaming and badgering, i tell her i am remorseful, but it wont help the situation. She understands i guess. Well anyway, thanks again everyone
Haner Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 You need to stop being so melodramatic and so should she. My suggestion is that you should write off this relationship, it's dead, you killed it. Consider it a lesson learned and never repeat it again. You also don't deserve her constantly baggering you over this whenever the mood occurs for her. She needs to make a decision whether to have you back or not, and if she chooses to bring you back, then she needs to own that too and let bygones be bygones, so that your relationship can still grow. Someday you'll realize how silly you sound in this thread. You both need to get a grip. You need to own your actions and she needs to stop obsessing over the past. Neither of you are marriage material to be frank.
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