How to earn a womans trust back?...yeah i know time is one

[Dmoney28]

After leaving her house, i left a txt again apologizing. Then a e-mail explaining how i just wanted to help get through this. She hasnt replied to either yet, so im guessing she has alot of anger still. I know its a emotional rollercoaster....she told me twice before in sept "were not together, so its best for NC". But she breaks her NC 4 times since then so far. And i told her before, if you need to move on, its whats best for you, then she gets emotional and cries....but we always end up talking and communicating. If you wouldnt mind, i want to share a portion of her poem...its painful for me to read. Were both in this lonely situation...not many friends and home alone alot. If you give your opinion on it, that would be great...i hope its ok if i post it here.

 

 

 

Lonely

"These months feel like years, or has it only been a day?

My heart is broken, bleeding, hurt

I keep having to remind myself of my worth

I faced the truth, despite your lies

You laughed in my face, not hearing my cries

I thought the truth was something sane

something relateable, without all the pain

But it was so ugly, I can't even fathom it now

So heres my standing ovation, you can take a bow

I was blind, but blind in love

I thought you were sent to me from above

You were dancing all over my heart

And that is why we are now apart

You killed my love and my trust

And now Moving on Is a must.

The lonliest place on earth"

 

when i was at her house that night...she said "its just a poem, i didnt think it was a big deal". Maybe im being to sensitive on the poem, its just never felt that away about her. I know it feels that way to her because she was betrayed, but for 3 months i tried my best to let her know i cared and still loved her. over the course of the break-up, i sent youtube apology video's, apology letters, Craigslist posting (about i good of a person she is, and i miss her)...when things cooled off and we where talking on a regular basis, i sent bouqueis of roses last week like suggested and i told her anything she needed as far as help in her life...just call me. All the above mentioned things...she replied thankfully and said she loved these like these things. I know these things cant make up for what i did....just want to know she's being appritiated, and i DID and do love her.

 

so maybe she is finally ready to move on now, But i know she will contact me again...she does it everytime. I know time is whats needed to heal, but i'm complety lost on what to do NC will make her even feel more like i dont care, on the other hand i feel like im smoothering her...3 months and it feels like square 1.. I'm ready to move on if she needs me to ...its just pains me to see her in this condition that i caused.

 

honest advice is apprtiated...thanks

[Dexter Morgan]

sorry guys, i know i know this is problly trival and stupid. I just hate i caused all this emotional stress on her. Yes Dexter i know...."just leave her alone and move on"...but we care too much for EACH other

 

 

If that were true, you wouldn't have cheated on her.

 

 

...were still frinedly and communicate and the hope in my heart is still there....but its taking a far back seek to more pressing issues with her feelings

 

And thats what I'm trying to tell you. her communicating with you is in desperation. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back as much as it is seen as being seen as a failure as a woman. She probably thinks that she wasn't woman enough to keep you from cheating on her, and if she loses you completely, that would be even harder to swallow.

 

This is all regardless whether she can trust you again or not. People stay with cheaters all the time for the wrong reasons.

 

So don't misinterpret her communication with you. Think about what would happen if she had done this to you. You might still want her and want to be with her, but you'd be suspicious of her from that point on. Trust me, she doesn't want that, but she is desperate.

 

NC may be what she needs so she can think things through clearly.

[Angel1111]

Yes, it's sad that she's in pain but I think you've done a great job in letting her know that she's the one you care the most about. That should have some healing effect on her. And it probably does but she may not know what to do with it. Or it may be that since she's knows you're listening, it helps her express her feelings. I mean, if you weren't there for her, I doubt she'd be able to express things as well. I think it's important to her to be able to say those things to you. Time heals all wounds, as they say. She'll either get over it and give you another chance, or she'll be ready to walk away. Either way, you've done all that you could and that has to be good enough for you to walk away in peace. And I know you've learned a very valuable lesson from all of this no matter how it turns out.

 

After all the videos and letters and flowers, etc., I think it's time to stop apologizing and leave that part alone. The best thing to do now is to just listen when she talks so that she knows you're there. Something will happen eventually for her to make a decision one way or another.

[Dmoney28]

if she contacts me, i will just listen and give her support. Your right angel. I think i did all i can do. All i can do is support her, listen and let time heal her wounds. Thanks for the advice, im really greatful for it Angel111. And even you dexter. Your avitar really does display your brutal opinons j/k. thanks again all...time will time.

[Dexter Morgan]

And even you dexter. Your avitar really does display your brutal opinons j/k.

 

HEHE. Ya, I wish, along with the other dregs of society, that Dexter would wrap cheaters up in plastic wrap too;)

 

He doth like snuffin' out people who do bad things.

[Dmoney28]

just another short rant to get it off my chest. I just hope i didnt come off like a psycho when i showed up at her house at 11:30 apologizing after i recieved that poem. I know angel111 said it might be endearing...but i just have this nagging feeling that i came off crazy or something. I had a bit too much wine...so my emotions just drove me to apoligize after reading those words in her poem. Thanks for reading this...you all have been a great help. Time....just wish it would pass sooner, i feel so bad. Nothing compared to her though.

[Angel1111]

Ever heard the song lyrics, "What you won't do, you do for love." In other words, love usually causes us to step outside of ourselves and do things we wouldn't normally do.

 

I don't know, if love doesn't make you nuts enough to be crazy sometimes, then it probably ain't love. She knows that.

[Dmoney28]

very good point angel. If i didnt love her i guess i would have forgot about her 3 days after the break up. But my heart clings on. I have concern for her well being. Hope she is doing well

[Konfuzion]

There is a book I would like to suggest to you - it's called : The Five Languages of Apology, how to promote healing in all of your relationships. It is by Gary Smalley - he is also the author of The 5 love languages. My H had an A and is reading and implying the lessons learned in both of these books.

 

Thanks I have ordered both of these books, and I can not wait to read them.

[Angel1111]

Thanks I have ordered both of these books, and I can not wait to read them.

 

I was intrigued by these, too. Let us know what you think of them.

[Angel1111]

very good point angel. If i didnt love her i guess i would have forgot about her 3 days after the break up. But my heart clings on. I have concern for her well being. Hope she is doing well

 

Yep, you would've.

 

Here's the whole song - kind of reminds me of you now that I think about it:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laStiu_sUd4

 

 

I guess you wonder where I've been

I searched to find a love within

I came back to let you know

Got a thing for you and I can't let go

 

My friends wonder what is wrong with me

Well I'm in a daze from your love, you see

I came back to let you know

Got a thing for you and I can't let go

 

Some people go around the world for love

But they may never find what they dream of

What you won't do, do for love

You've tried everything but you don't give up

In my world, only you

Make me do for love

What I would not do

 

But then, I only want the best it's true

They can't believe the things I do for you

What you won't do, do for love

[Dmoney28]

i ordered that book last week. Cant wait for it to come in the mail. Realy looking forward to reading it.

[Dmoney28]

thanks for the link angel

[Konfuzion]

I was intrigued by these, too. Let us know what you think of them.

 

 

I will shoot you a pm, after I read them. Should be done in a week or two.

[Angel1111]

I will shoot you a pm, after I read them. Should be done in a week or two.

 

Ok. Thank you!

[Dmoney28]

Well, its was a really bad day. first the trivial stuff. Yeah, she said i scared her that night when i showed up. So it was a bad ideal. I apologize, and she accepted it i think

 

But something more tragic came up. She called me crying saying that someone broke into her car and stole her $2000 eyelash extension kit(her 2nd form of income). All her Work files and folders from her main job were also stolen. So she cant do her side job or her main job right now. Plus she doesnt know how she is going to pay her mortage. I tried to give her money or replace some of the items....but i guess after what we went through by me cheating, she didnt feal comfortable and repeatily said no.

i told her when we were together she bought me things...so i wanted to help her all i can, no matter what..."but i wanted to by those things for you" she said..no clue what that means...Why dosent she just let me help her. i want help her. She helped alot when i was unemployed for a month during our relationship.. I told her i was going to replace her brief case for her anyway, if she liked it or not...she said i was making her mad.

 

 

she asked me if i could help her look for it by driving through her neighborhood and main streets to look for her stuff. I did it without hesitation.

The whole time i was feeling so bad for her....she is going through a really tough time. and i feel worse because i feel like i contributed to this negative situation by me cheating. i know it was months earlier. but its a nagging feeling. So i searched for 3 hours...and nothing. I came to her house to tried and comfort her...but i couldnt stay long because her mom was comming...her mom is pissed for her hurting her daughter, so i couldnt stay. She thanked me for helping her. I said anything you need, just let me know.

 

I just have no idea what i should do. How i should help her? i dont want to make her more upset. Any advice would be so good

[Angel1111]

Oh, well, I guess I called that one wrong. Well, I thought what you did was cute, anyway. I'd say that if she doesn't want to get a reaction out of you, then she shouldn't set the trap....so to speak.

 

So, if she's that scared of you, why did she turn to you for help?

 

If you want to send her money, then send it anonymously. If she asks you if it was from you, just deny it. Although she'll know. Another option - tell her that you'll help her now and she can pay you back when or if she ever sells her house and makes a profit. That way, it won't feel like charity or guilt money. The other option is to just do what she asks and don't help her.

 

I don't know how cheating contributed to this, unless you were living there before and helping her pay her mortgage. If she can't afford her mortgage, she needs to either get a roommate ASAP or sell her house. It really is that simple. Yeah, I get it how you may feel that you set up this negativity in her life. Well, maybe you did but you're doing all you can to fix it. There's not much else you can do at this point.

[Dmoney28]

yeah, you're right angel, i might just send it without letting her know it was from me. She has alot pride, so i guess that might be the problem. Hopefully she'll find her a roommate soon. Now the scared part is what really confuses me. Is this part of the emotional cycle of betrayal? Is it because i caused her all this emotional pain? Or maybe because she dosent see me the same way as in the relationship?..no clue. Guess its one of things i just wont know

[Angel1111]

Maybe she didn't take the poem as seriously as you did and was surprised that it got such a reaction out of you. Or she doesn't really get the depth of your feelings for her, so your reaction was unexpected. Not sure.

[samsungxoxo]

Show her that you've changed....don't tell her.

 

If things between you start to progress towards resuming the relationship...start VOLUNTEERING to be that "open book" that Angel suggested.

 

Give her (without waiting to be asked) access to your email, cell phone, IM sessions, etc... Make it clear that you have nothing to hide, that you don't WANT to be able to hide things from here anymore.

 

And...express that remorse to her that you're feeling. Let her SEE that you "get it".

 

Yup I agree on that one too. Good luck for it and hopefully your relationship with her can grow stronger than before. Sadly it will never be the same but if you have enough patience then trust can be rebuilt.

Oh and by the way, I'm curious as to how she found out you cheated, by you telling her or elsewhere?

[Dmoney28]

yeah...when i got to her house that one night, she said "i didnt think poem was that big of a deal". I think i read too much into it. and that may have freaked her out. I notice this is the same way she reacted when she initated her first NC 4 weeks after the breakup...when i begged and pleaded( havent done that since). So i gave her a letter aplogizing for begging went N.C. ....6days days later she called back and started the 2nd cycle of txt msg, e-mails and questions, all intiated by her. So i'm guessing this is the end of the 3rd cycle...and im guessing i will be getting a call in about 7-10 days. Although im no big fan of NC. I have to give her some space. Kinda feels like im trying too hard i guess. Just its hard for me not to try and help her.

 

I know angel111 said it might be best to stop wit the apology gestures, i think you right...and i did. Excpet i mailed her a card a day before the night of the door step apology. So its in her mail today ( oops, ). Oh well.

Starting today, im holding back. Maybe by the 4th cycles of txt and calls she might descide to move on ...or try and work something out. either way, we'll both have some closure

[Dmoney28]

Just wanted to say thank you for all who posted. Its been a real rollercoaster of emotions from my hurtful behaviour.

 

I'm reading "The five languages of Apology", and finishing up chapter 1.

Had a question , hopefully someone could give me some feed back.

My GF hasnt forgiven me yet( or at least hasnt utter those words).. 3 months and she wont say "i forgive you".

Now i dont expect reconciliation, but why would she contiue the contact (txtmsg, e-mails, phone calls). 90% of contacts have been good, friendly and sincere. The last e-mail saying she is so happy that i helped her with her stolen stuff, and then a txt later that night saying "thank you for helping me, you know i appretiate it"....ok good. But why cant she say "i forgive you" so atleast we could get some closure and move on. She tells me she still has love in heart still...and still cares about me.

 

I have done everthing short of giving her my right arm, to apologize and make amends, and sho remorse. But for some reason after all that i have shown and done over the past 3 months...no forgivness to give me closer. Any thoughts on this?

[Angel1111]

Hey, I don't know how I missed your post from yesterday but I just didn't see it at all.

 

Well, it's possible that she hasn't said she forgives you because she may not realize the importance of saying the words. She may think it's obvious that she has forgiven you since she continues to talk to you. But if she's telling you that she still loves and cares about you, that's a huge thing. It means she hasn't turned her heart away from you. I'm not totally sure why she hasn't actually said 'I forgive you' but I do think you're overanalyzing it. I think your chances at reconciliation are very good so don't screw it up by being too insecure at this stage.

[Owl]

As harsh as this may sound, its still a very real possibilty.

 

She may not have forgiven you yet.

 

She may NEVER forgive you.

 

What you did hurt her beyond the scope you or she would have expected. Its one of the most devestating things to go through that you can imagine...the feelings have been compared to those of rape or the death of a loved one.

 

Straight up...she very well might not be ABLE to forgive you. This is a possibility that you face...and something that you may need to consider if this continues in the same fashion going forward.

[Dmoney28]

I think my efforts of building trust is starting to show slightly. One step at a time, one situation at a time. After driving like a madman looking for stolen stuff, she thank me several times...i told her whatever she needed just ask. She called me today, asking if i could go by her place and check to see if the doors were locked. She is paranoid after her car was broken into i guess. She said "if it was open to go in a play with our dog Bella" (minature poodle...i miss her alot). We talked for 20 min about alot of stuff. Its really wierd, we still call each other babe, baby and pet names just so wierd calling each other by our first names. We talked about moving out of that constant sadness stage. We talked about how were both hit with that sorrow once in a while. And how were still lonely. i still miss her...after i accepted the break-up happened, i found myself in less pain. Guess this is part of the healing and recovery. It feels like she is opening up a bit more, and lowering her guard. "i dont why i'm talking to you about this" is her leading statement when ever she talks about her family problems and financial issues. But she does, and i listen. It didnt end with her pissed off and crying because i said something stupid.

 

I think Owl was right. Its best to try and start out being friends in our situation. In a weird way, this feels alot better than me constantly trying to persuade her to get back. I guess after the first month of all the apologies,letter,videos, Craigslist postings and flowers.....she realized i was really remorseful and actually did love her. BTW stopped all that last week. She asks about my psycholgist sessions, and support group meetings and how they are going for me. So i think maybe she's starting to see my changes.

 

I think maybe her anger cycles are happening less, and she is entering the acceptace part, which i am happy for her. And i finally am accepting the full effect of the pain i caused her. And I feel better about the personal changes i made in my life.

 

Well i guess time and love will show if were meant to be.

Any comments would be appretiated.

You guys think this is part of me recovering the trust?

You guys think she accepting the anger and trying to let go of it slowly?

 

its been 3 months and a week. I know its a long way to see any permanent changes. I'm really happy she's feeling better.