OW keeps contacting H !

[Amybeth]

To the last few that have responded...

Listen - a second chance can be given - I do not know what any of you have done BUT it is possible for someone to care and want their marriage back. I know my H does.

 

Maybe you have not read everything I wrote or I have not written everything BUT he had the affairs because I had vaginal issues and was pushing him away for 2 years until this happened with her. Yes - he is a horny guy and really needs sex like some of us need food or water - he felt like he could not survive.

 

Do I think it is OK - NO - the other piece was that I was not so interested in him as he was on edge / upset as he could not get physically connected with me and he was angry sometimes / mean - so it became a vicious cycle. The switch in my brain got so bad that my muscles down there got tight that it became painful and I could not have intercourse - he was beside himself because he wanted to get close to me but could not.

 

He is not the best communicator but he is not the worst and he clearly told me he "lost his way" and yes - once you start the intrigue in an affair is hot and YES - it would be for me too (after 20 yrs with someone).

 

BUT - we were head over heels in love at the beginning - it was based on mutual respect and understanding and adventure that we still love to have together.

 

I have done my homework and he only joined facebook because his friend and our teenage son told him about it and he just started a new business where they look for investors - so he thought that maybe he could contact people by this as one way of networking. I felt like you do and told him he has not earned that privilage to have that kind of freedom. So the account was closed.

 

Yes - the ONLY thing that bother me is it did become to easy for him as when he broke up with this woman - for 6 months as he did not like the whole deal he was so in the motion of it happening that YES he did hook up with 2 other woman for 1 -2 times each. It ended with them immediately after that. I think it was like eating a potatoe chip - once you go off your diet it is very hard to stop eating. Yes - he was thinking with the head between his legs ONLY.

 

He is looking me in the eyes more than he has in years, he went to counseling (which he hates for 6 months and would go back at any time if I wanted him to), left his job and has opened up with his passowrds for anything I ask for. He doesn't have a 2nd cell phone....

 

There are alot of crazy things on this site but I feel and truely believe he is done with all of that. Once the intensity of the intial high of getting laid by someone new is over - there is nothing new there. He realizes this and is now getting his sexual needs met by me. I guess it is not as exciting as someone you just meet BUT he is more mature than that and realizes a new **** is only that and does not give you the history, understanding, adventures and shared love of kids / family that he has with me.

 

Everyone's situation is different - my only issues at this point (as I had a great MC and talked to my husband til I was blue in the face and found out everything) is that I do NOT want her to continue contacting him.

 

BUT i believe I am on my way there as the last time she did was 2 months ago. She might again for the holidays - BUT if is true that he gone NC on his part then this could just pitter out - she has to get bored with his not responding to her.

 

Thanx for your input..

[2sunny]

i have read your posts and understand your situation... maybe you don't want to face the truth, so no need to keep repeating yourself.

 

the last time she contacted him wasn't two months ago... it was a few days ago when she sent the cookies. in her own way - this IS contact as it forces him to think about her.

 

it may be true that you couldn't have sex with your husband vaginally - but you also deprived him of other means and methods that could have been used. this does create emotional distance (which he sought out as well with someone else). that is why i say it wasn't just physical.

 

the fact that you didn't rely on other options besides vaginal sex makes me wonder why you both didn't discuss the variety of things that you believe could have kept him feeling connected to you when the straight sex wasn't a viable option. options can be emotional connection, cuddling, bj, anal sex, watching him masturbate while you cheer him on... the list could go on and on if you were both into problem solving instead of passively aggressively acting like this weren't the reality that it was. instead you both chose to ignore it and pretend like it would just go away... then in defiance and secrecy he found his solution all on his own. now you are left to deal with the results of his secret.

 

not only that - but hey, if he intended and wanted to find the sex somewhere else - he could have been honest and told you that was what he was going on the hunt for before he went behind your back... then you would have had the choice to end the marriage, talk through other options or give him the approval that you were ok with his needs being met by another gal.

 

you aren't facing the truth of the matter and that is what i'm trying to get you to see.

 

what was it that you felt you would benefit by not giving him the sex that you knew he needed? control perhaps? punishment disguised as an illness?

 

i don't know... just taking a stab at it. give it some serious thought; there ARE issues going on here that you seem unwilling to consider or explore even though they will be the key to getting your marriage back on a HEALTHY track.

[Amybeth]

Sorry for the reaction but seriously each situation is different and we all have to keep that in mind...

 

Some people are serial cheaters and some actually made a mistake due to bad circumstances or issues in their marriages that they can not manage ...

 

This is not an excuse for cheating - it is horrible to those they hurt including me BUT let's give some forgiveness to those that are deserving of it.

[2sunny]

Sorry for the reaction but seriously each situation is different and we all have to keep that in mind...

 

Some people are serial cheaters and some actually made a mistake due to bad circumstances or issues in their marriages that they can not manage ...

 

This is not an excuse for cheating - it is horrible to those they hurt including me BUT let's give some forgiveness to those that are deserving of it.

 

i agree and admire your willingness to try further with the marriage. i am only trying to help you to consider working on things or issues that may not yet have been addressed and that will help to GROW your relationship with your husband to a wonderful place since you seem to want it to work out. it's not easy and takes a lot of hard work... you will both be better for it in the end.

[2sure]

AmyBeth -

 

I get what you are saying 100%. I am sometimes irritated at the number of posters that immediately say divorce, or once a cheater always a cheater. But I have to know and respect that they are speaking from their own experience, what has worked for them , and from their hearts.

 

Like you, I am a BS. Like you, I think our marriage can recover. My husband cheated twice, one year apart. I have come to realize that after the first time, we had not done the necessary things to repair the marriage.

 

Posters here, myself included, know that there are PATTERNS to infidelity. Patterns of the dialogue between BS/WS, Patterns of Consequences that work, Patterns of recovery, Patterns of the of the whole process. Each relationship's circumstance and dynamics is individual and not laid out here. But Amy - the Patterns stay the same. Its amazing. And for me, scary...but empowering.

 

Usually the OW and the BS have to be confronted and have consequences. I didn't do it the first time either. I have to admit, the Pattern of dialogue between you, H, and OW is cause for concern.

 

You have decided to wait and see and certainly thats good enough. Drop the conversation regarding the OW's contact for now. But I hope you continue to come here for support.

 

It has really helped me in more ways than just recovery from infidelity.

And I take heart myself in that never once here have I read " I told you so"...so, no matter what, keep communicating.

[CAT100]

I would maybe speak to the OW, with your H around. It is possible that he has said things to her that you do not know about- this could explain her behaviour to some extent.

I find it slightly worrying that he doesnt want you to talk to her, this sets off warning bells in my mind- is he hiding something?

It may be that she is just very upset/angry/sad and not dealing with the break up well, due to her own inability to accept it, or, it may be that he has said or done things that have made her the way she is.

 

Its very easy to write off an OW as 'obsessive' 'crazy' ect etc but this is very convenient for the MM isnt it? Its more likely IMO that he has promised her things like a future and she has spent 5 years of her life waiting and is now in absolute shock and torment that it has all been taken away from her.

 

I am just saying it might be an idea to speak to her, as at the moment you only have 1 side of the story, and there is probably a lot more to it

[whichwayisup]

Its very easy to write off an OW as 'obsessive' 'crazy'

 

In this case the OW IS crazy and obsessive. I don't think that's an exaggeration..

[CAT100]

^ Ok but maybe this is not purely her own fault, perhaps MM has made her that way?? Or contributed to her behaviour? Im just saying some of it MAY be his fault?

[frannie]

Everyone's situation is different - my only issues at this point (as I had a great MC and talked to my husband til I was blue in the face and found out everything) is that I do NOT want her to continue contacting him.

 

I'm sorry that some things that are being said are upsetting you, that's no good. The thing is you're looking for input here, and a lot of us have been in an affair situation, and you're getting posts from all sides of the fence. People here do understand the concept of forgiveness, understanding and 'dealing with' a cheater, and so on. Please don't think you're amongst a load of 'divorce him or else!' people.

 

What I'm trying to say is that there's a sense in your posts that you're concentrating on one aspect of what's happened: the continued actions of this one OW. Also, that you believe almost implicitly (it seems, even if that's not true) the word of your H. I think that's dangerous for you. In particular, his version of events doesn't ring true: the idea that it was him that broke things off with her doesn't seem likely to me (the break-up in the middle of the affair, that is).

 

I was an OW for four years, and I was the one who broke things off with my MM three or four times. If you go over to the OW board you can see OW are forever breaking things off and trying to no NC with the MM because of the stress of being in that situation. I'm not trying to say your H is a liar on this point in particular, just that on balance, his version of this particular affair seems fishy. It just doesn't follow the usual pattern. And for that reason alone you need to be more questioning of his excuses. I'm saying this NOT to annoy or upset you, but just to give you a heads up. Because my gut feeling is that you're going to be dealing with this again a year or so down the line if you can't nip it in the bud now.

 

And I mean: nip your H's behaviour in the bud, not the behaviour of the OW, which personally I think is the least of your worries. Although obviously sometimes exes can lose the plot, I'm not denying that, and it does go with affairs unfortunately. However, the worst danger is that your H is continuing his mindset of a cheater and has not been called to change his behaviour: in particular his lacksadaisical attitude to the cookies, opening them, not returning them because he's 'busy' and opening a Facebook account for 'business reasons'.

 

Not for a minute am I suggesting you don't forgive him, or don't work on your marriage. Far from it. I think that cheaters CAN change. However, they need to realise what they're doing, and become repentant (for want of a better word).

 

FWIW my gut feeling is that it's extremely convenient that your H has managed to make this particular OW into a bugbear: she just won't leave him alone, can't be talked to and is 'unstable'. Woo. And all the time your attention is OFF him. As I say, mightily convenient. Don't be too sure he's not continuing the same old behaviours with someone you're NOT focusing on.

 

Once again, this isn't to annoy or anger you, but just coming from a place that says: protect yourself and look to him.

[whichwayisup]

^ Ok but maybe this is not purely her own fault, perhaps MM has made her that way?? Or contributed to her behaviour? Im just saying some of it MAY be his fault?

Maybe the MM is gaslighting her, but I find it hard to believe that IF the MM is still in contact with the OW, why would she be sending him sex toys and cookies, love notes to him at work? To me, so it seems, there is NC on his end (but if there isn't, then the MM is a real schmuck to allow this to go on and lead his wife to believe NC is in place) and she's desparate, and she's choosing to act this way. This OW is a grown adult, and if the A is over, he's told her it's over, that he's gone home to fix things with his wife, then the OW has NO choice BUT to accept this and try her best to move on. Seems this OW hasn't gotten the hint.

[frannie]

Maybe the MM is gaslighting her, but I find it hard to believe that IF the MM is still in contact with the OW, why would she be sending him sex toys and cookies, love notes to him at work?

 

Well here's one possibility: he broke it off once W found out, OW reacted very badly after his leading her on and putting her through the mill after her abusive past, and sent him the sex toys. Contact since then has been on and off, even if mostly off it only takes one 'yes I miss you' text or email from him to keep her interested. It's not at all unusual for there to be NC for a while and it all to flare up again.

 

But I think even more likely is that he is using the continued contact of this particular OW as a smokescreen, as I said in my earlier post. Brilliant diversion which will use up all of OP's mental energy and fee the unrepentant MM to pursue other interests. Just seen it too many, many times to believe it's all above board here.

 

The most telling thing is the fact that while he was on a break-up from the OW before, he had sex with two other women. That alone says he's used to this behaviour, it comes naturally to him and is very easy for him to do. Nowhere do I see any hint of him being a changed man.

[jj33]

Absolutely right Frannie. Also Amy again I dont want to upset you either. Its great that you want to work on your marriage and its wonderful that you feel he is making an effort but something here doesnt add up.

 

Since you want to save your marriage its natural that you would want to find someone other than your H to be angry with. But you seem to have TOTALLY let him off the hook. Most men are horny and many men need sex like the rest of us need food and water. Many women experience vaginal issues as they get older. Many couples go through ups and downs in their sex life and their marriages.

 

But the fact that he had a 5 year affair and thereafter got involved with 2 other women etc all the things Frannie said above are not the hallmarks of a man who is really serious about being faithful.

 

Perhaps right now you need to think that OW is the problem because you cant face the fact that your H behaves the way he does. Thats fine but the OW is not the biggest problem. The fact that he didnt immediately return the cookies and doesnt want you to contact her is far more of a red flag.

 

I hate to say it but I think you are in for a rocky road. Maybe he will come around but he doesnt seem to be being honest with you at this point.

 

Best case scenario he is being kind and doesnt want her to suffer the humiliation of your call etc. But thats not what it sounds like.

[Amybeth]

OK - yes I for some reason feel I have to defend my H...

 

I am at a very good place - more each day of trusting his love for me and his desire to making things right.

 

All the ways he has changed / things he has done...

- gone to MC for 6 months (typically hated it in the past)

- we stopped but would continue it I told him I wanted to go back

- left his job

- gave me access to all passwords for cell phone and email and voicemail

- he does not get upset at all when he finds me checking into his stuff

- tells me when she trys to make any contact with him (& even shows me when she sends something to his work - he could keep it from me as I would never know - but he does not)

- has become more affectionate as I told him that is what I needed

- talks to me whenever I need to about my anxiety over what happened or listens if I need clarification of something that happened

- was not upset when I told his mother and father (they were pissed at him)

- will go to a marriage retreat / seminar - just to get the marriage better than ever

- will explore Marriage builders the website with me (in the past hated self help stuff)

- comes home from work earlier than ever

- calls me when he is out with a friend and reassures he in everyway he can

- has more patience than ever before

- wants to satisfy me in bed more than ever

 

I could go on ...

I guess I wrote all this for myself as much as wanting to help others know that a second chance is OK to give as long as you see / feel a difference in your spouse.

 

Yes - he does not want the OW to continue to contact him BUT she really bought into the relationship for more than it ever was for him. She believes it was TRUE love between them. It can NOT be if he is doing all the above for me. SHE CAN NOT MOVE ON (NOT HIM).

 

Together we decided that if she contacts him again after she gets the cookies back (which she probably will as that is her MO) together my H and I will send her an attorney's letter that she will be brought up on harrassment charges.

 

Thanx for all your thoughts ...

[Agent_99]

My husband does not want me to contact her as we are afraid she can be unstable. 6 months later he got these cookies and another love note... He has not contacted her, in response to her, for ~ 4 months.

 

He believes that if he/we ignore her it will slowly fade away for her - and she will meet someone new. He just doesn't want to incite her to get angry -

 

Right now no one knows about his just a few in our families and 1 friend. We both do not want this to become a public thing.

 

AS you are the OW - how would it be best for you to get past an affair ??

Thanx for any advise from the other side.

 

P.S. for yourself - you should fidn someone that is fully yours - isn't it true that in 98% of affairs the relationship doesn't last or go anywhere?

 

My affair ended. I am no longer the OW, and in fact am dating for the first time in my life AND enjoying it immensely. BUT MW does still contact me, call me out of the blue from a payphone, talk to me when she sees me etc. My situation IS very different than yours, firstly being that I was friends with both of them before the A started. Secondly I know that their relationship is dysfunctional and so I stay away from MW as much as possible to try and let them heal since they both seem to want to be with each other.

 

But what it took for me to truly begin moving on. I tried ending things several times, but I was so very much in love with her that when she would come crying to me I couldn't refuse her and just wanted all the pain to stop. Finally I really had to work through the FACT that while she said she loved me, her actions did not always follow through. It took facing some hard things about myself too. Like your OW, I had just come out of a long term, but only semi-abusive relationship. I fell very hard for MW and until the end I do actually believe that she was exceptionally honest with me. Once it was over we were going to try to be friends, but her GF got wind of the fact that we were still in contact (we had a DDay in April) and started harrasing me. So I had to involve the police to stop the harrassment. I was so hurt that MW didn't protect me, but then I realized that it wasn't her job to do that. It was when I really saw her for who she was and how despite loving me, she used me that I was able to break the bond I felt for her and let go. From BS perspective I am sure I am seen as an unstable homewrecker, but from mine I made bad choices because I fell so hard for someone who wanted to be there for me.

 

What I'm trying to say is that your OW is still a human being who obviously fell hard for your husband whether or not he returned any of those feelings. Maybe she DOES need to hear that he didn't love her the way she wanted him to. The fact still stands that even though she made bad choices in being with him, he LEAD her on, and she may not truly have internalized that.

 

I know that sometimes 'closure' is overrated, but if he truly cut off all contact after being caught she might be holding onto the hope that he is just waiting for things to settle down at home, or that you two won't repair the damage caused by the A. I'm trying to give you some insight from the otherside. I know that for the longest time I held onto this strange twisted hope that MW would figure out she loved me enough to ruin her gf and her kids life for me. As screwed up as that logic was, I really thought everyone could be happier that way. In july I started giving up on that hope and it began leading to the real end of the A. Besides being older she may feel that he was her last hope for real happiness with someone. I know that I felt that with MW sometimes, and I am only 30ish.

 

OK - yes I for some reason feel I have to defend my H...

 

I am at a very good place - more each day of trusting his love for me and his desire to making things right.

 

All the ways he has changed / things he has done...

- gone to MC for 6 months (typically hated it in the past)

- we stopped but would continue it I told him I wanted to go back

- left his job

- gave me access to all passwords for cell phone and email and voicemail

- he does not get upset at all when he finds me checking into his stuff

- tells me when she trys to make any contact with him (& even shows me when she sends something to his work - he could keep it from me as I would never know - but he does not)

- has become more affectionate as I told him that is what I needed

- talks to me whenever I need to about my anxiety over what happened or listens if I need clarification of something that happened

- was not upset when I told his mother and father (they were pissed at him)

- will go to a marriage retreat / seminar - just to get the marriage better than ever

- will explore Marriage builders the website with me (in the past hated self help stuff)

- comes home from work earlier than ever

- calls me when he is out with a friend and reassures he in everyway he can

- has more patience than ever before

- wants to satisfy me in bed more than ever

 

I could go on ...

I guess I wrote all this for myself as much as wanting to help others know that a second chance is OK to give as long as you see / feel a difference in your spouse.

 

Yes - he does not want the OW to continue to contact him BUT she really bought into the relationship for more than it ever was for him. She believes it was TRUE love between them. It can NOT be if he is doing all the above for me. SHE CAN NOT MOVE ON (NOT HIM).

 

Together we decided that if she contacts him again after she gets the cookies back (which she probably will as that is her MO) together my H and I will send her an attorney's letter that she will be brought up on harrassment charges.

 

Thanx for all your thoughts ...

 

I understand too that standing up together against the OW is a bonding experience for both of you. I have also been the BS, years ago. I am glad for your sake that he truly appears to be remorseful and is making the changes necassary to save your marriage. Just don't ever fall for the line "In a way I'm glad this happened as it brought up closer together." That was the main one that that exH used on me afterwards, and now that I am more confident in who I am my answer should have been "There would have been less pain if you had just confronted the issues, instead of going outside our marriage." HE like yours was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage for many years after.

 

You seem like avery strong person and I wish you the best in this.

 

~99

[torranceshipman]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but tbh, I feel bad for you AND for the OW. I don't think she sounds nuts-after 5yrs of being lied to, with your H was claiming he loved her and promising her a future, how would any woman feel? All shes done is send some cookies and return his nasty sex toys and whatever-thats not much after a 5yr R!!-and it really sounds to me like he's still in touch and somehow encouraging this.

 

He would have had to manipulate and lay the lies on thick for YEARS to persuade her to stay with him. And in the meantime while they were 'on a break' he has sex with 2 other women? I bet you anything that he has wound you up a ot about how 'you shouldnt contact her because shes nuts'-because if you contact her, then you'll find out the truth and he'll REALLY be for it.

 

The stuff he is doing to keep you is okay, but not earth shattering, and he is a cake eater so of course he'll try to keep you-point is, you're not the only thing he is trying to keep in his life.

 

Get a keylogger or even hire a PI if you really want to understand the whole truth here....

[MichelleS1983]

I may have to call her myself but my H doesn 't want me to. He thinks she is too fragile and it can set her off. I guess he is also very guilty for using her and doesn 't want to give her any more pain and hopes she starts dating someone new.

Sorry to say it, but BOY does he have you snowed.

 

You SHOULD call her - I'll bet she has a different story to tell than that lying husband of yours.

 

You haven't nearly heard the real truth .. yet.

 

ETA: I was the OW a long time ago (not now). xMM's wife contacted me about 5 months out because she knew she wasn't getting the truth. She actually told me that he'd told HER not to contact me in any way, shape or form - I was "psychotic" and had "threatened" to harm their family.

 

LOL!!!! Yup, he'd fed her that bullsh*t and she'd believed it, so when she reached out to me, she was actually doing it in horrible fear that I'd come and do physical harm to she and her children. I'm about as sane - and docile - as anyone you'll ever meet.

 

Bottom line - he'd TOLD her I was dangerous because he DIDN'T want her coming to me for the TRUTH. Too bad for him because she got it anyway.

 

I think you're husband's a lying weasel.

[jj33]

Thats great that you feel you are making progress. And everyone has a different take on her situation. You seem to excuse the infidelities very very easily. So perhaps that is not the biggest issue for you.

 

Perhaps saving the marriage is more important than whether he is faithful. And that is a perfectly reasoable position to take. If you feel good about the marriage and he is discreet in what he does that may work.

 

However if you really think in your heart that fidelity is important then remember this. He lied to you for 5 years. And he saw 2 other women after the affair with OW ended.

 

So this is a man that is very very comfortable lying to you. He did it for a long period of time. There is nothing wrong with giving him a second chance, but if the fidelity is important to you then I would be very cautious.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear but having been the OW I know what men say and do to hide their tracks. In my case he wasnt so much hiding me from his W as she didnt really care as long as he was discreet, but from others. I was a million different people business appointments, etc when he needed to account for his time.

 

Your H clearly wants the marriage to continue and I am sure he loves you but he may or may not be ready to be faithrul. Whether that is acceptable to you is your own decision.

[Completely Broken]

My xbf was separated for more than 2 years and we were in a very serious relationship for almost a year and he has since decided to go back to his wife. But he still wants to have "relations". He has moved out of my apt but only has taken a few things so he can continue to come back. He calls me when she's not there, emails me, etc. But based on some of the stuff I've read on her myspace she blames me. So it makes me wonder what he is telling her. I know that it was not just sex with my ex and he does too but what he tells his wife and me are always going to be different (CYA).

 

I said all this to say make sure your husband isn't trying to get his cake and eat it too. I love my ex and he knows this and that's why I continue to email and talk to him. I think men enjoy the attention when two women are fighting for them.

 

I hope that your husband is being completely honest and faithful to you but I would recommend that when he shows you the text msgs that you check his sent msgs too. If that box is always empty, he is hiding something.

[MegaMags]

I agree with 2Sure on this. A dignified response is always the best. IMO tho there is no substitute more effective than a face to face meeting. To go round to where she lives or works and face her in a calm and reasonable way would be the most effective.

[Geishawhelk]

My xbf was separated for more than 2 years and we were in a very serious relationship for almost a year and he has since decided to go back to his wife. But he still wants to have "relations". He has moved out of my apt but only has taken a few things so he can continue to come back.

 

I think this is a big mistake on your part.

My opinion would be to ask him to remove al his stuff - he'll find it somewhere mutully convenient - and demand he give the key back. Or change the locks.

This guy is doing precisely what you describe below.....

 

I said all this to say make sure your husband isn't trying to get his cake and eat it too.

Your MM is doing precisely that. Whatever you might tell yourself, this is a wonderful opportunity to remain in his marriage - together with all that entails - and continue having the perks you provide.

 

I love my ex and he knows this and that's why I continue to email and talk to him. I think men enjoy the attention when two women are fighting for them.

 

Bingo.

What an ego-inflater that is. And this makes you a used person, someone left dangling at the whim of someone else's emotional manipulation.

When an affair is un-put-downable, then dignity flies out of the window.

[Brimstone_Angel]

A little hint about many people like this woman. They won't learn until confront with the possibility of the ruination of you and/or your marriage. They just don't give a flying rat's behind about you or any children you may have. They think they have the right to destroy your happiness, this is not to say your husband is off the hook, but you choose to stay with him, that's a consequence of a different story.

 

Now this is my suggestion to you. Give back onto her the Hell she is putting you through. How? Get any relevant information about her from your husband. Place of work (just a name and address or even the phone number) if the business is listed in the phone book or online, you might be able to reach a manager. Inform them the harassment she is giving you. If she has friends or family numbers she may have shared with him. Reach out to them and implore on them upon them about her and let them know she faces a lawsuit for harassment. Next follow up on the laws that govern your state about harassment and adultery laws and see what is with your rights and see if it is equable to pursue them. I know small claims you can be awarded money for certain types of harassment and she might fall within the federal guidelines as a stalker and could be put a way for a while.

 

A lot of people might say be dignified and walk away. Others might say that she may be confused and that your husband is completely at fault. Unless he has lied to her all this time about his marital status. She willingly became his partner in crime and thus is has rightly earned the consequence of her actions. This is why so many people do what they do... Many don't suffer any real consequence for their actions and hope that the betrayed spouse just lets it slide away.

[Brimstone_Angel]

Oh also, find out the laws of recording phone conversations from your area. You might get lucky and live where you don't need to notify the party about your recording them. If you don't or you ask them (I don't think you have to inform them that you are going to use it against them in a court of law), record away and store it. If you have them on voice male SAVE THE VOICE MAILS. If she is sending texts and/or emails, keep those. If she is following you or your husband, keep track of dates. You want the woman to put herself in the bear trap and then you want it to snap on her.

[Amybeth]

This is what happened...

After my husband got the cookies and love note sent to his new office (he told me), together we decided to return the cookies to her with a note from both of us...

 

Our note said "These are being returned to you as they are unwelcome - move on with your life - do not contact us again." I then signed my name and my husband signed his. My husband addressed the package and together we took it to the post office.

 

WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER SINCE (That was about 11 weeks ago !)

I believe she finally got the message. She realized my husband shared the fact that he got the cookies to his office with me and as a united front we sent them back together. She must have thought he was sending her a gift in return when she saw his handwriting on the package but then opened it and found the cookies she had sent him with a note from both of us !!

 

I think I can begin to put this behind me as i hope she will no longer be contacting him. The 6 months of marriage counseling was great and more recently we went to an IMAGO weekend in NYC. It is an intense relationship weekend that teaches each person to hear the other person - their needs and concerns. It also teaches how to express your love for the other one and really appreciate why the same patterns happen in a relationship (whatever they may be). IT WAS HUGELY HELPFUL - I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT TO ANY COUPLE - IMAGO IS NATIONAL AND YOU CAN GOOGLE IT TO FIND OUT MORE. Even my husband loved it and said he learned alot about himself (and he is not really that kind of "self help" kind of guy.

 

It is now ~ 10 months since I found out and i think we continue to work our way to a better and more communicative relationship. You can come out on the other side of this... I think we will always have some work to do as after you have been with someone for 20 years to have to put some work into it.

 

P.S. Our sex life is much much better - my issues have cleared up and I appreciate his need for that connection more than ever.

 

If anyone has other positive stories - please share

[Trialbyfire]

Amybeth, I'm glad that she's stopped contacting for now. If she's starts again, the advice about getting a lawyer, with a cease and desist letter that WILL convert to an RO, is the best action to consider.

[Amybeth]

I will definitely get a RO if she contacts us anymore.

 

If anyone has any other advise for dealing with infidelity for the long term - and not continuously bringing it up (to my husband when it is least expected) so we can move on with our life together???

 

Your replies are helpful