OW keeps contacting H !

[2sure]

I know.

Agreed.

Must take the high road.

Still, that was just so vicious. Does your H see just how cruel this woman is ?? That she would intentionally try to hurt his family (which is you) out of spite? Spite like that has nothing to do with love for him.

 

Hopefully she will get the message from the mutual friend and disappear.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I smell a rat. He doesn't want you to contact her - even by phone? You've got to remember, he's obviously become pretty skilled at lying. It seems very strange that she would continue to contact him even when he has said that the relationship is over?

 

You sure he hasn't said anything to the effect of "I need to sort things out here, just go along with what I say/do - W is forcing me to say these things, but we'll be together soon".

 

If there's absolutely no lies on your H's part and OW is still contacting I guess its for the reason of consequences. She gets lied to for five years (used for sex when she believes its love). MM walks back into his marriage with what she perceives to be no consequences, yet she's been waiting for him for five years and now is left broken hearted. I would contact her by telephone and state that continued contact will result in further action being taken. It may be all she needs to hear?

 

I can't help but feel sorry for her with what you've said about her past. Yet, if you and your H are truly trying to reconcile, change your numbers, all contactable methods for her and contact her putting a full stop to her communication.

[jmargel]

Yes - it developed into a fantasy to him and he had a sexual adventure with her BUT he said it got boring and it eventually became all the same

 

And you really want to stay with a guy that looks at women this way? With this attitude it's only a matter of time before he gets that itch again. And, how do you know there are not other women? How do you know that there were not women before this affair?

 

Perhaps your 'vaginal' issues are because of an STD?

[Amybeth]

No - I got tested for everything. Thank god - I do not have any STD's. My husband was also tested and luckily he has nothing either.

 

This OW is still contacting him simply because she loved him - as she has said by texts and the love note that came with the cookies she sent. She actually said "you will always be a part of me - I am nothing without you". This is what concerns me. I do not want to have him hear from her for the next 20 years of my marriage.

 

He can not change his cell phone as it is mainly for business and all his contacts know it. He did change companies but he is listed again must be for business.

 

I can not get crazy on her as I am afraid of what she can do - she has nothing to loose - I have 2 teenage boys and my H and I work somewhat publicly. I do not want this spread all over my town.

 

I know my husband yes - had some connection with her but the connection was in his mind only about sex - there was not the emotional connection there for him. I believe him as he did not suffer from withdrawal when it was over. He actually seemed relieved and more at peace at home when it was over.

 

I think he was lost on how to stop it as she was threatening him that she would tell me and she had become too emotionally attached - in his simple male mind (sorry to say) he thought there could be sex without any real emotional connection.

 

He has said he would never do it again as he does not want to loose me and he knows that if I find out ANYTHING - I will end things with us. He knows I check his cell phone whenever I want, he left his job (where she worked in a different office of the same co), he went to MC for 6 mons even though he hates that kind of stuff and he recently joined facebook but I told him I was not comfortable - so he cancelled his account. He had given me his passwords for voicemail and everything - so for 6 months she has not said "it was great to see you " or anything like that.

 

I might be on the road to healing BUT what we have to work on is putting more excitment in the bedroom (after 20 yrs) as the newness is not there. Thank god vaginally I am better - a little of the right medication and a littel more emotional connection helps alot. I also would love for him in general to become more communicative as that is my need in a marriage.

[whichwayisup]

If she isn't married and doesn't have a boyfriend, your next option is, contact her immediate family (Her mom and dad), let them know she's a loose canon and that you and your husband are trying to work through things, and that the A is over but she won't let go - Maybe they'll get involved and also get her help because she obviously DOES love your husband, he's obviously led her on, enough to believe they were going to have a future together.

 

I hope he has come clean to you about everything. And I really hope he isn't quietly still in contact with her.

[whichwayisup]

I can not get crazy on her as I am afraid of what she can do - she has nothing to loose - I have 2 teenage boys and my H and I work somewhat publicly. I do not want this spread all over my town.

 

It's too bad HE didn't think of this before allowing this woman into his life, into your lives..

If it does get out, he's got noone to blame but himself.

[Amybeth]

If she isn't married and doesn't have a boyfriend, your next option is, contact her immediate family (Her mom and dad), let them know she's a loose canon and that you and your husband are trying to work through things, and that the A is over but she won't let go - Maybe they'll get involved and also get her help because she obviously DOES love your husband, he's obviously led her on, enough to believe they were going to have a future together.

 

I hope he has come clean to you about everything. And I really hope he isn't quietly still in contact with her.

 

She is 55 - I do not think her parents would be a good bet to get them involved. Thanx for trying though. By the way the mutual friend that my H and she has told him yesterday that she does not want to get involved (to tell her not to contact him again - after the cookies were received).

 

Also - I think in my state you can not easily get a RO as she only sent cookies and text messages (and oh yes a package of sex toys and love notes). I believe she would have to do something worse to get a RO.

[whichwayisup]

I hope he threw the cookies out, I mean if she IS off her rocker right now, she could poison him. Sorry to say that, but never say never! People do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

The mutual friend has to stay out of this (is it a woman or a man, the mutual friend?) and if your husband can't tell this OW to leave him alone, then together you two MUST talk to her. Sending an email won't sink in, she needs to 'see' for her own eyes that you two are a united front and her attempts of contact have to stop.

[Amybeth]

I hope he threw the cookies out, I mean if she IS off her rocker right now, she could poison him. Sorry to say that, but never say never! People do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

The mutual friend has to stay out of this (is it a woman or a man, the mutual friend?) and if your husband can't tell this OW to leave him alone, then together you two MUST talk to her. Sending an email won't sink in, she needs to 'see' for her own eyes that you two are a united front and her attempts of contact have to stop.

 

No - we are sending the cookies back to her today with a note telling her to "stop all the contact - it is unwelcome and she has to move on with her life".

 

We thought of the poison thing too ! so no he did not eat any.

 

The mutual friend is a woman (her girlfriend at work).

 

If we get more contacts - I may have to call her myself but my H doesn 't want me to. He thinks she is too fragile and it can set her off. I guess he is also very guilty for using her and doesn 't want to give her any more pain and hopes she starts dating someone new. From the love note she sent with the cookies - it doesn't seem to me she will get over this yet.

[Amybeth]

It's too bad HE didn't think of this before allowing this woman into his life, into your lives..

If it does get out, he's got noone to blame but himself.

 

I do not want it to get out for myself. I do not care about his needs in this part. For me - I do not want everyone knowing.

[jmargel]

had some connection with her but the connection was in his mind only about sex - there was not the emotional connection there for him. I believe him as he did not suffer from withdrawal when it was over. He actually seemed relieved and more at peace at home when it was over.

 

I don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are, but that statement, what he was telling you is a lie. You never did say how this all came about. Five years with someone goes beyond just physical. Like I said no woman is going to hang around unless that emotional element was there.

 

He was relieved because the RELATIONSHIP was over. However it was a relationship. She wasn't just a **** buddy.

 

And yes you check his cell phone, email. However you only check the ones you KNOW about. Like I said, how did this all come about? How do you know that other women are not out there? It's good that he's doing what he needs to to mend things, however I have a feeling about this that you don't know everything there is to know.

[2sure]

This woman is NOT too "fragile" to handle a thing. She may be unstable, but by sending you the the sex toys and pictures - she is running on pure jealously NOT hurt feelings. Your H's explanations and your empathy regarding her "fragility" , being unloved and alone, hurt....are all a way to keep you away from either her or more information. Whatever the info is, you probably dont need it anyway - but he is hiding it. She may be nuts, but she is vindictive, not fragile. By making you feel somewhat sorry for her - he is protecting himself. Not her, not you.

[whichwayisup]

No - we are sending the cookies back to her today with a note telling her to "stop all the contact - it is unwelcome and she has to move on with her life".

 

Good.

 

We thought of the poison thing too ! so no he did not eat any.

Glad he didn't eat them or share with anyone else..

 

The mutual friend is a woman (her girlfriend at work).

 

Then your H should NOT trust the mutual friend because the woman is MORE the OW's friend, I can guarantee that. Though I DO hope your H shows his disguist about the OW around the mutual friend, so that way the friend sees that HE wants nothing to do with the OW.

 

If we get more contacts - I may have to call her myself but my H doesn 't want me to. He thinks she is too fragile and it can set her off. I guess he is also very guilty for using her and doesn 't want to give her any more pain and hopes she starts dating someone new. From the love note she sent with the cookies - it doesn't seem to me she will get over this yet.

No, you need to call TOGETHER. If you call, the OW more than likely will think its' just you - Not him wanting the contact to end. And no, she isn't over it and she won't be dating anyone else for a quite a while, since she is inlove and wants your husband. Her actions have matched her words.

 

Tell her with your husband that ALL contact needs to end immediately and if she doesn't stop, you will be calling the police and saying that she's harrassing your H. Threaten her.

 

Your H has to get over the guilt, THAT is a problem. Sure he feels bad for using her, but if he handles her with kid gloves, he's protecting her feelings over yours. Not good.

[whichwayisup]

I do not want it to get out for myself. I do not care about his needs in this part. For me - I do not want everyone knowing.

Ofcourse I get that completely.. Just sucks that he didn't consider all this before he cheated on you.

[whichwayisup]

but she is vindictive, not fragile. By making you feel somewhat sorry for her - he is protecting himself. Not her, not you.

 

This is 100% true. She is pulling out all the stops. I bet it won't be long before he gets calls or letters saying she is going to kill herself, or there was a terrible accident in her family and she NEEDS him. Or something along those lines. She is just reacting and not thinking...Nope, she's not fragile, she's purposely doing this because she wants to. SHe's made NO effort to try to get over him, to try to respect his wishes of NC. She wants what she wants, and doesn't give a crap about you. Sorry to say that.

[2sure]

Other people not finding out was a HUGE consideration when my H and I dealt with his infidelity. The disclosure could affect his career which would in return affect every aspect of our whole family's life. The first time he cheated, I did not contact OW or tell anyone else. We did MC, etc. So, the only person really affected was me. The second time, I risked his career (and his rath) by contacting everyone that was involved and letting him know that this risk was HIS. There were consequences to actions that affected HIM. It also made it clear that this was my life and I was completely involved. The lightbulb went on for him.

[Amybeth]

Thanx - I need this support and I appreciate your honesty and experience!! Tonight my husband and I are going to talk as he "did not have a chance to send the cookies back" he was at meetings all day.

 

I am very tempted to call her (with him) and insist on it BUT the therapist we went to also did not recommend it - he said it typically only fuels the fire and she is likely to misinterpret anything and everything. Looking at everything from her limited perspective.

 

Since he was never honest with her about my vaginal issues she was told by him that I had the "sex drive of a knat, was bitchy and could not handle the kids or him and I never but him first". I learned all of this from her 1 email to me that was very long.

 

Yes - there are some issues in our marriage that he and I are willing to work on. But certainly he told her what she needed to hear to keep providing him with the sexual outlet that he needed and certainly exaggerated them a little. He never wanted her to know about the vaginal issues as she then only could use some real info against me and insist to him that they would never go away.

 

I don't know how to get to the point to call her and what if she freaks and becomes an Amy Butafuco??? The therapist said not to contact her but I feel after her email, box of sex toys and continued messages maybe I should. Maybe if she sends 1 more thing then that will be my last straw.

[LoyalGirl]

for an odd reason my gut says your husband may still be in contact with her on occasion. fueling her contact every now and then by this rare contact.

 

This was my first thought also...

[theobserver]

 

My H did not know these things about her before hand. Yes - in the end she has problems - doesn't know how to really be loved BUT sorry to say what men/women that sleep with other people's spouses DO NOT HAVE problems?

 

How can they actually live knowing that the person who they care about goes home everyday to someone else? Spends holidays & weekends with someone else?

 

How can the OW or OM live with themselves knowing the Married person sleeps in bed with someone else every night??......

 

He has said he would never do it again as he does not want to loose me and he knows that if I find out ANYTHING - I will end things with us. He knows I check his cell phone whenever I want, he left his job (where she worked in a different office of the same co), he went to MC for 6 mons even though he hates that kind of stuff and he recently joined facebook but I told him I was not comfortable - so he cancelled his account. He had given me his passwords for voicemail and everything - so for 6 months she has not said "it was great to see you " or anything like that.

 

 

 

You make good points to my original questions and statements, I agree there has to be something missing/wrong and also terribly sad for someone to willingly be with a married person knowing they are going home to them etc and also in this case never leave their spouse I think that should speak a lot.

 

It's good to see he has done all the things you mentioned , left his job , been completely open with emails phone records etc etc. Which are almost all of the things most of us who speak of the forgiveness route say must happen so that's good.

 

I think it seems your husband IS trying to do good but still pleeease keep your eyes open. However I take back my "foolish" comment you have your head firmly attached and know what must be done if he lies to you again.

 

As for this woman good grief.. I agree with what someone said that you may have to take legal action especially if you believe she is capable of harming you if she is so intensely in love or should I say deluded but again despite her past you merely need to look at your Husband to know his views on seeing her as a piece of meat caused this. I truly hope he has changed. If it is possible for you to somehow move it may be worth considering but I don't know your financial situation and you may see that as making her "win"

[DealingWDrama]

Have a certified letter sent to her from a lawyer stating that if any further contact is made, it will be considered harassment and will be dealt with accordingly.

 

PERFECT advice. I just did this because of the same, well kinda the same, situation you are in. I won't go into details...but the letter is being delivered some time this week. The OW isn't sending loving text messages...more like you are sick and rot in hell texts...she even sent one out of the blue the other day saying ... prepare to laugh ... "I am happy and scare that I have not pursued legal action...ok with you if we cut all ties?" My H hasn't talked to her or text her in months - I know how aggrivating it is....

 

If she contacts him it makes for a rotten experience and the days that she doesn't contact him you are thinking...wow she didn't contact him today. This will pass...

 

Have your H contact a lawyer..they will write a letter for you without you having to retain them...it costs about 200 bucks, but it is worth it. I am convinced that the drama will soon stop in my life.

[DealingWDrama]

No - we are sending the cookies back to her today with a note telling her to "stop all the contact - it is unwelcome and she has to move on with her life".

 

We thought of the poison thing too ! so no he did not eat any.

 

The mutual friend is a woman (her girlfriend at work).

 

If we get more contacts - I may have to call her myself but my H doesn 't want me to. He thinks she is too fragile and it can set her off. I guess he is also very guilty for using her and doesn 't want to give her any more pain and hopes she starts dating someone new. From the love note she sent with the cookies - it doesn't seem to me she will get over this yet.

 

WHO gives a toot about her fragile state of mind???? ARe you kidding me. I would flip my lid if my H didn't defend our marriage and tell the chick straight up to stop her stuff...or if he told me I was not allowed to contact her for whatever reason I saw fit. Come on....

[frannie]

From your other thread:

 

During the time he broke up with her he had slept with 2 other women like 1x or 2x each.

 

So it's not just one woman, but at least two others he's been having sex with. And I'm not entirely convinced that he's not continuing to contact this one at least, and maybe others:

 

... he recently joined facebook but I told him I was not comfortable - so he cancelled his account.

 

Why oh why is a grown man making Facebook profiles after having been outed as having three affairs (that you know about)?

 

No - we are sending the cookies back to her today with a note telling her to "stop all the contact - it is unwelcome and she has to move on with her life".

 

... I may have to call her myself but my H doesn 't want me to. He thinks she is too fragile and it can set her off. I guess he is also very guilty for using her and doesn 't want to give her any more pain...

 

Tonight my husband and I are going to talk as he "did not have a chance to send the cookies back" he was at meetings all day.

 

And he's not contacting her to tell her to stop because she's 'too fragile' (and he's got you believing she's going to lose the plot if she's contacted). And after telling you he was going to sort it out, he was 'too busy' at work. Too busy to sort out something that is evidently bothering you greatly??

 

Seems to me you have an unrepentant multiple cheater on your hands and I wouldn't be too sure he's learnt any lessons.

[jj33]

I would have to agree with Frannie. In which case a letter from your lawyer is totally inappropriate because he is sending mixed messages.

 

You need to see HIM send a letter (not you HIM) and know that HE is making the time to send back cookied - for Gods sake its such a loaded issue in your marriage he could go early to the office and go to the post office before hes due into work if he has a fixed time schedule in his job

 

Its all wrong. These are not the actions of a man who is scared straight so to speak and is giving 100% to fix his marriage.

 

And facebook? What is he 16? And thats just what you know about.

 

It sounds like he doesnt want the marriage to end, but neither does he want his extra curricular to end either. He wants to be a free agent living in the safety of his marriage.

 

The thing with MC and taking a firm stand against the OW is he has to do that too. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels.

 

All of his excuses add up to one thing. hes not being honest with you.

[DealingWDrama]

Find out his screen names that he uses often and google them...check dating web sites and other things...sounds like he is a scammer who isn't being honest with anyone.

[2sunny]

you have made assumptions based on the lies he's told or his ability to omit information to save face. to omit is still a form of lying. i think he's omitted A LOT! you need to dig deeper.

 

he's had AT LEAST three women - this seems to be the only one you are concerned about. big mistake...

 

he was emotionally involved as well as physically - don't be so naive. you assume that he didn't suffer emotional withdrawals. big mistake...

 

i'm sure he's been in touch with her... i'm sure they had a plan set up for "after d-day...just in case he got caught." the old theory - wait until things settle down, then we can resume things... who cares if she sent a note saying she misses him... any gal writes this all the time... doesn't mean he DIDN'T just see her yesterday... assume nothing!

 

i'd get a keylogger for the home computer and his work computer. his attempt to open a facebook account is his way of finding a secret way to contact her or someone else. he also probably has a separate cell phone that you've never seen. put a voice activated recorder in his office and one in his car (they look like a pen).

 

the fact that you have to worry about all of this more than him is backwards. he may "appear" to be making an effort to have NC with her - but the circumstances point to evidence otherwise.

 

if it were me (and it has been-after 20 years of marriage for me) i'd throw him out so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. you are making way more effort than he is. notice that HE wasn't worried about getting those cookies back out in the mail to her. notice HE opened them! why didn't he just send it back unopened with RETURN TO SENDER or NOT AT THIS ADDRESS written on the front? hmmmmm because HE is still a willing participant when someone other than you is willing to show him the least bit of attention! HE likes it! more than that - HE won't admit that to you...

 

if you want this insanity to stop - then step back and let him handle it his way - then you'll really see what his priority is when you aren't policing him 24/7. his actions or lack thereof will be very revealing. you will get the truth without even trying. you will either be the priority or you will understand that his effort and energy is being spent somewhere else like it has been for years. my bet is that he continues with her for a very long time... emotional involvement is still there - you're just not seeing it... remember how good he has become at covering things up, justifying them and then lying about it all on the backside.