OW keeps contacting H !

[Amybeth]

I would love all of your experience on this... My H has not made any contact with the OW for months since together we decided it was over and we were going to make our marriage work.

 

She however, continued to email and text him how much she missed him and that she cries herself to sleep at night and so on and so on... . I have read all of these as I told him that I had to and if he didn't show me them I would find out and I would consider it being deceptive. I told him I had zero tolerance for him not telling me when she was trying to contact him.

 

Anyway, after enough emails/ texts my husband and I wrote to her that he would NOT be responding to her ever again (she thought it was only him responding to her). She kept writing for 4 months even though he was not responding. She stopped writing him 2 months ago BUT today just sent him a note and cookies in the mail to his office AGAIN professing her love for him and how she misses him.

 

HOW DO I GET HER TO STOP - it is enough. He has said she is bizarro, pathetic that she knew he was never going to leave me. He was using her for sex ONLY as we were going through some hard times. I want to send her an email telling her all the negative things my H has said about her. She believes it was love between them BUT my husband ONLY told her what he needed to so that she would continue to provide her with sex (while I could not).

 

PLEASE share your experiences about how to get someone to stop - enough is enough - 6 months later ... with NC - she needs to move on with her life or hear the horrible truth from me !! I am afraid to tell her those things as she may get crazy or take revenge.

 

If u want to know the whole story please view my thread called simply "infidelity".

THANK YOU

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have a certified letter sent to her from a lawyer stating that if any further contact is made, it will be considered harassment and will be dealt with accordingly.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

If you REALLY want to have some fun with her... Send her phone number in a penpal letter to convicts. Or have a male friend write it on a few bathroom stalls. Maybe even get someone to do a leave a scary voice message in a scary voice that saids, "7 days and you will die." Scratch that, Lucrezia may be right.

 

Oh, you can also call up her place of employ and let her boss know as well that one of his employees keep harassing you and that if she does not, you'll have her arrested.

 

Now before you do all this, make sure your husband IS NOT the one giving her reason to call him. And you should definitely change ALL your numbers to ensure this. Not that you did anything wrong, but to further make sure SHE is the one instigating it and not your husband.

 

 

DNR

[jj33]

Having been on the other side, but never a stalker like this one, I can only say she is pathetic but harmless. She still believes what he told her.

 

While I often advocate getting lawyers involved, I dont think you need to waste the money on this one.

 

I would write her a certified letter stating that her further to your letter of x date, any contact from her is unwelcome. And if she attempts to contact H, you or any member of your family, or anyone connected with your family in any manner relating to H, you will consider it to be illegal harrassment and reserve the right to pursue all legal remedies aviailable to you including but not limited to a retraining order and a civil action for damages.

 

If you have a friend or relative who is an attorney whom you can copy on it (Mr. Jones, Esq. dont forget the Esq) so much the better. If not just send the letter certified mail.

 

She needs a good therapist.

 

The other option is to just do nothing. Nothing at all. No response to any of her communications no response to the cookies nothing will eventually tell her she is in this alone. That she isnt even getting the satisfaction of a response. No response is probably the best. She is seeking attention or she wouldnt be doing these things.

 

There is a risk that if you send a letter she will email or call or do something saying how can you do this, you love me (just read some of the threads on the OW board some people just refuse to accept that they were not the apple of the MMs eye no matter how clear it is to the rest of the world).

 

Edited to add - you may want to put somethign in there that it is obvious that she is hurting but she can not contact your family any longer. Acknowledge her pain it may help in getting her to go away as much pain as her presence in your Hs life must have put you through it may be helpful in getting her to go away. She seeks understanding on some level. I havent read your thread she may be a basket case in which case no amount of supportive language will help. I hope she gets over this now for your sake. take good care.

[signedin2008]

This is harrassement and a threat to yoru marriage. Contact an attorney and ask the attorney to send her a professional email indicating that any further email or mail or any contact from her will result in restraining order or other legal action.

 

If she continues, file that order and she violate the order, she could be arrested.

[2sunny]

for an odd reason my gut says your husband may still be in contact with her on occasion. fueling her contact every now and then by this rare contact.

 

you may need to do do some serious digging if he denies it...

[dannydrifter]

Have a certified letter sent to her from a lawyer stating that if any further contact is made, it will be considered harassment and will be dealt with accordingly.

 

Take it easy, that's a little excessive don't you think? I think a simple phone call from the wife to the OW asking her to stop will be more than enough.

[stampdaddy]

for an odd reason my gut says your husband may still be in contact with her on occasion. fueling her contact every now and then by this rare contact.

 

you may need to do do some serious digging if he denies it...

 

I agree, I agree, I agree

[2sunny]

 

I have read all of these as I told him that I had to and if he didn't show me them I would find out and I would consider it being deceptive. I told him I had zero tolerance for him not telling me when she was trying to contact him.

 

She kept writing for 4 months even though he was not responding. She stopped writing him 2 months ago BUT today just sent him a note and cookies in the mail to his office AGAIN professing her love for him and how she misses him.

 

 

if he's afraid of your zero tolerance then he would never tell you if he indeed stopped at a pay phone or called her from a friend's cell.

 

i think it's the cookies stunt that actually makes me think he still contacts her. seems a really personal gesture for a gal that isn't being lead to believe there is some hope.

 

i think he's still manipulating her in some small way - at least...

[NoIDidn't]

for an odd reason my gut says your husband may still be in contact with her on occasion. fueling her contact every now and then by this rare contact.

 

you may need to do do some serious digging if he denies it...

 

Me too. Especially the cookies thing. Was it a kind of cookies that he likes?

 

She will stop contacting him when he stops contacting her or responding.

 

Something stinks in this. I think he is lying to you or being selective about telling you when he takes it upon himself to contact her.

 

What is missing from your post is any reaction from him. Does he seem bothered that she is still contacting him? Does he immediately tell you or does he wait until you ask him about it?

 

A letter from a lawyer isn't going to mean much if he's the one violating it.

[2sure]

OW and your H were in an on/off affair for 5 years - thats a long time. Four months out and she is still sending cookies. It doesnt sound like she believes, for whatever reason, that your H is done with her.

 

I would talk to her myself. I would tell her that to save her embarrassment and to stop her attempts at interference, all of her communications are received by you. Why on earth does she still have his cell #??

 

Tell her that you and your husband have moved on and that while you understand she has been hurt, she has to stop this behavior, and that woman to woman you sincerely recommend some professional help. Explain to her that she deserves more than a man who uses her and that she has to stop degrading herself this way. Tell her the other women he had affairs with at the same time have all moved on. Thank her fr the cookies and ask her quite civilly if you and your family are going to have to take further steps to ensure her contact stops?

 

And before you hang up, make sure she knows your H is standing right next to you.

 

Graciousness can be a real heartbreaker.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with 2sure. You need to call her. And you need to do it without his knowledge.

 

I say without his knowledge because it will answer the question of why she is still contacting him right away. She will likely contact him immediately afterwards (she is loyal to him and not to you). And if he is still in contact with her, for whatever reason, he will be livid that you *enlightened* her.

 

My H was having an EA with a co-worker. I promised him that I would not contact her because I trusted him when he promised to end it. That's just how much I believed him at the time. He didn't really end it and they stayed in contact over non-work items....until I contacted her.

 

It ended then. Period. Stop.

[Agent_99]

As an OW, I have to say that any attempt on my part to communicate with MW is always prefaced by her contacting me.

Please read up on how the MP usually throws the OW/OM under the bus, so to speak, to save their marriage. Whether or not he lied to her, she still believes that they shared a love for what, almost 5 years, maybe she truly is still mourning the loss, maybe he hasn't completly cut contact with her, maybe she's off balance and needs help. Who knows, a phone call to her to let her know that you know of the contact and she might stop if asked by you.

Is your H against you talking to her for some reason?

[jasminetea]

If you have a friend or relative who is an attorney whom you can copy on it (Mr. Jones, Esq. dont forget the Esq)

 

It's incorrect to use 'Mr' when using 'Esq'.

 

As for the OP, I'm not sure calling the OW is such a good thing. She's desperate and more likely I think, to lie to get what she wants, that will just confuse the issue even more and leave you feeling even less sure of what is what.

 

Amybeth, I'd trust your instincts on this. I'd bet that if you were absolutely sure it was over between your H and OW, you wouldn't be as bothered by her trying to contact him.

 

I hope he sent the cookies straight back to her.

[frannie]

The thing is, you only know what he's told you about the affair and any contact afterwards. They were together a long time, and while he might not want to hurt you, and has minimised it all to 'I used her for sex', not only will she have experienced something completely different to that, but it's unlikely to be true except perhaps in his mind in retrospect. Not only are marriages re-written during an affair, but affairs are re-written during reconciliation.

 

I would say you need to be sure that your H is as committed as you are to ending things completely with her, and that he's not actually working against you in this by encouraging her even slightly in the guise of 'letting her down gently'. If he's the kind of man who doesn't like people getting hurt he's probably continuing to lie to be 'kind' to both you and to her.

[Adunaphel]

I would call the OW, listen to her side of the story and then tell her your own, included the negative things your H said about her.

 

This way you could send her a clear message, she might get some kind of closure, and it might be that you both learn some new facts about your H, who unfortunately sounds (from your other thread) like a selfish, manipulative, tables-turner, cold blooded cheater.

[jj33]

I dont think its useful for anyone for you to tell the OW the terrible things that your H said about her. I hadnt appreciated the situation when I responded before.

 

For 5 years she thought H loved her. It would NEVER have gone on for 5 years if she thought it was just for sex and your H has admitted telling her it was more. After all that, 4 months is not really such a long time from her perspective. Particularly, as others have said where there is some strong possibility that your H is still communicating with her.

 

A call from you alone is not going to do it. Perhaps a call from both of you would be the answer. This is over. We are moving on with our lives. He can apologize for hurting her and say he was wrong to lead her on but its over and that her contact is unwelcome.

 

Its not illegal for someone to have a broken heart nor is it necessarily harrassment. Sending cookies is not an act of violence. Your H created this problem. He needs to participate in fixing it. Communication from you alone will not be effective if your H is still communicating with her in some fashion.

[jmargel]

Wait.. so they had an affair for 5 years and the whole time he is saying he's been telling her it's just sex?

 

No woman is going to be putting their life on hold for a guy who tells her this. Women want more than just sex and if you are that naive to think this, then this is why there is still contact going on.

 

How did find out about this affair? Did he come clean on his own, or did you provide the evidence first? 5 years is a long time, and she probably hasn't really gotten any answers on what is going on. Also you have been deceived and betrayed for that time as well. You want it to go away fast, which is understandable, however realize that this woman was also a big part of his life for that time as well.

 

She has no loyalty to you, your husband does. Contacting her will just create more problems. I can't say he's still contacting her, but realize that they had 5 years together. If he's saying he was telling her the whole time it was just about sex, then he is still lying to you. He wants to tell you things you want to hear to try to minimize the pain. However that's not being honest with you.

 

If I was with a woman for five years, and she didn't hear 'I love you' from my lips, I can guarantee she would have left. So guess what your husband has been saying to her these past years..

[Owl]

Start by making it more difficult for her to contact him.

 

Change his cell phone and home phone numbers. Delete his email accounts and start new ones. If she's contacting him via his WORK email account, then he should go to the IT department and tell them that he's getting spam from a crazy woman and ask them to block her.

 

If she shows up at his work, then he needs to involve his employer to have her removed and let them handle it legally.

 

If she shows up at the house...call the police. Tell her very, very clearly that she's not welcome, and that if she returns you WILL notify the police...after that, it could be trespassing charges.

 

There's nothing you can say to get her to stop...there's no point interacting with her other than what I outlined above.

[OWoman]

HOW DO I GET HER TO STOP - it is enough. He has said she is bizarro, pathetic that she knew he was never going to leave me. He was using her for sex ONLY as we were going through some hard times. I want to send her an email telling her all the negative things my H has said about her. She believes it was love between them BUT my husband ONLY told her what he needed to so that she would continue to provide her with sex (while I could not).

 

She probably believed the things he told her about you, just as you believed the things he told you about her. She probably believes that he loves her, but that you are standing in the way of him being able to reply to her. Sending her an email telling her "all the negative things he said about her" will merely up the ante and provoke an email in response from her of all the negative things he said about you. (Which he'll probably deny, just as he'd deny to her the things he's said about her to you.) Either she's a basket case, or she's been led on. With only an interested party - your WH - as informant, you can't be sure which way it is, and it's best not to take the chance.

 

Handle it formally. Write the letter (and register it, so you have proof of receipt), or use a lawyer, as suggested stating that any further attempts at contact will be considered harassment. Have your H sign it too. Keep the proof of receipt. If she attempts any further contact, file for a restraining order.

 

I agree she's hurting, but that isn't your responsibility. Besides, the kindest thing you can do for her - and yourself - is to end it cleanly. Her healing - and the end of attempts to cling - will be best served by a clinical, formal, unequivocal signal.

[Amybeth]

Here is more info - it is 6 months post the time I found an email that told me my H was having an affair. I confronted him.

 

Yes - at the beginning he was trying to be nice to her and "let her down easy as she has no one to lean on". Yes - he was lying to me "to protect me" BUT

Yes - he was finally honest with me and told me the whole story as he had no choice - she sent me a LONG email telling me everything. Later she even sent me a package that contained sex toys, pictures, cards from her professing her love. (Important to me was that there were NO cards from my H professing his love). I interrogated him as I wanted to know everything - I probably learned too much !

 

I know that he said he loved her many times as he said whatever he could to continue to get into her pants. Yes - it developed into a fantasy to him and he had a sexual adventure with her BUT he said it got boring and it eventually became all the same. I have been through 6 months of MC for all of this.

 

BUT - remember I was having significant vaginal issues - infections and pain with intercourse so I pushed him away many times, went to many Doctors and after 2 years of dealing with this he said he did not know what to do, how to survive. He "picked" her as she was older (55 - I am 44), would not want kids, was financially independent and wasn't screwing around all over.

 

He said he was ALWAYS hoping I would get better so he never left me and he always loved with me and was sick over it and then tried and did break up with her 2x over those 5 years.

 

I have since learned and believe that the reason I had all those vaginal issues was because my husband was not meeting my EMOTIONAL NEEDS and I was not meeting his SEXUAL NEEDS - and it became a cycle that we now realize and are working on.

 

ANYWAY - I KNOW he is no longer talking to her at all as her NOTE with the COOKIES said how much she needs him and to please contact her again. All texts have always said she misses him and for him to please contact her.

 

WHAT WE DID SO FAR - We decided to send the cookies back to her with a note from both of us that said to stop contacting us and this morning he called her good friend (with me there) to tell her this was ridiculous, that it is over and she really needs to move on with her life and that it is bordering on harrassment. He asked her to talk to her friend and tell her to move on.

 

All of your advise really does help !!

 

I hope she stops - I do not have the nerve yet to call her but if it continues I guess that may be the next step. I have to give her some credit - she has NOT contacted him for 2 months.

 

She is a desperate woman in the sense that she doesn't really know what love is. She was married to a man that emotionally and physically abused her - he was also a drinker. (He died 2 years ago) He was the only man in her life (since she was 15) and then there was my husband who comparatively was (and in many ways is) a great guy. That's all the love she has had so I guess she is just lost and has limited self esteem as these are the only relationships she has ever had - and BOTH WERE disordered !

 

Thanx again for your responses - I will let you know if we get contact again !!

[theobserver]

I actually feel sorry for this woman and I feel you are being foolish.

Seriously before you get all riled up really look at the man your with. I like how somehow you've rationalized his cheating for all these years.

 

Your Husband is a real nasty piece of work, all those things you mentioned about the OW that she's gone through the abuse from prior relationships etc doesn't it make you sick that most likely that's why your husband selected her for his "sexual needs" because she was so vulnerable he knows exactly what she wants to hear. It's sick what this woman needed was help and a loving AVAILABLE man to make help her heal or perhaps some therapy too. He used her up and when you found out his game was up fun while it lasted except now this woman has lost probably the best thing in her life even if she knew he was married.

 

Who knows the things he told her, how can you lay in bed with this snake knowing what he is capable of, he's been using you too.

 

This woman is unstable and sorry to say but I would think it is clear your husband is doing some communicating on the side. Even one 10second call is enough to bring up all the promises and memories in her mind that he made/was part of, that's enough for her.

 

You seem fixed on continuing to salvage the marriage since you are coming along in years maybe you feel it's too late to start over. Well seems the only winner here is your husband.

[2sure]

I just want to briefly address what OP last mentioned about the OW. When OW mailed the W all of the sex toys, pictures and love notes...she didn't need to prove to W the affair had happened. W knew. OW sent those things out of pure maliciousness and cruelty. OW was scorned and hurt, but did not to choose to hurt the at fault husband. Instead, she set out to hurt BS as much as she possibly could.

 

Personally, I would ruin her.

[Amybeth]

 

My H did not know these things about her before hand. Yes - in the end she has problems - doesn't know how to really be loved BUT sorry to say what men/women that sleep with other people's spouses DO NOT HAVE problems?

 

How can they actually live knowing that the person who they care about goes home everyday to someone else? Spends holidays & weekends with someone else?

 

How can the OW or OM live with themselves knowing the Married person sleeps in bed with someone else every night??

 

NO - I know my husband is not communicating to her anymore and it is not an excuse that I could not be physical with him often without a major head case in the bed (on both our parts).

 

2SURE - I am afraid to go after her as she is the unstable one and isn't it possible that she is capable of anything? WE do have 2 boys and I think I should take the higher road.

[Amybeth]

As an OW, I have to say that any attempt on my part to communicate with MW is always prefaced by her contacting me.

Please read up on how the MP usually throws the OW/OM under the bus, so to speak, to save their marriage. Whether or not he lied to her, she still believes that they shared a love for what, almost 5 years, maybe she truly is still mourning the loss, maybe he hasn't completly cut contact with her, maybe she's off balance and needs help. Who knows, a phone call to her to let her know that you know of the contact and she might stop if asked by you.

Is your H against you talking to her for some reason?

 

My husband does not want me to contact her as we are afraid she can be unstable. 6 months later he got these cookies and another love note... He has not contacted her, in response to her, for ~ 4 months.

 

He believes that if he/we ignore her it will slowly fade away for her - and she will meet someone new. He just doesn't want to incite her to get angry -

 

Right now no one knows about his just a few in our families and 1 friend. We both do not want this to become a public thing.

 

AS you are the OW - how would it be best for you to get past an affair ??

Thanx for any advise from the other side.

 

P.S. for yourself - you should fidn someone that is fully yours - isn't it true that in 98% of affairs the relationship doesn't last or go anywhere?