lilcoco Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 While playing around with my BF's phone yesterday (he was sitting right next to me), I saw a text that he sent to his ex-girlfriend stating that he missed her. I am aware of this ex and apparently they broke up on good terms and have remained friends, although he claims he hasn't talked to her since we started dating (7 months ago) and the text log is relatively innocuous - other than the fact that she's asking why he hasn't called or contacted her and his replies are that he's SO busy with work (which isn't entirely accurate) - no mention of me. anyways, she replied back that she missed him too and could she call him tonight, etc. and so I asked him about it and he doesn't think there is anything inappropriate about it because he doesn't have any feelings for this ex. Not to be a drama queen, but I know that if I would have texted my exes and told them I missed them, he would have been upset. bottom line, is it appropriate for your current BF to tell his ex that he misses her? even if it is platonic? i just think that the ex might get the wrong idea.
sultry33 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 You already said if it was the other way around he would not like it questions id be asking is.. why has he not mentioned you? sorry but if it was my bf i would be saying cya
PrincessPeach Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 On what terms did they break it off? Did he leave her or the other way around? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by feeling that he is parading a new girlfriend around in front of her. I know I would feel kind of bad if an ex I was still friends with found someone before I did I might feel a little bad or angry about it. I'd say talk to him and make sure he knows not to be leading her on, since it's easy for people to misinterpret things when they are only looking for confirmation of their own desires. Ask him not to talk to her in a way that could be interpreted as romantic.
norajane Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 On what terms did they break it off? Did he leave her or the other way around? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by feeling that he is parading a new girlfriend around in front of her. I know I would feel kind of bad if an ex I was still friends with found someone before I did I might feel a little bad or angry about it. I'd say talk to him and make sure he knows not to be leading her on, since it's easy for people to misinterpret things when they are only looking for confirmation of their own desires. Ask him not to talk to her in a way that could be interpreted as romantic. Not parading his gf around in front of his ex is one thing; telling his ex he misses her is quite another.
Vertex Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 This is absolutely not okay. In every scenario I've ever witnessed where this has happened, it's always been bad news.
Mary3 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 This is NOT good ! You have the texts he has NOT deleted. What about the ones he had while at work ,while driving home ? Why does she miss him ? Still FEELINGS there on BOTH side. I suspect you are about to get burned. Do NOT believe everything he says. This is Whack !
Author lilcoco Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 This is NOT good ! You have the texts he has NOT deleted. What about the ones he had while at work ,while driving home ? Why does she miss him ? Still FEELINGS there on BOTH side. I suspect you are about to get burned. Do NOT believe everything he says. This is Whack ! In the course of my discussion with why I thought his text was slightly inappropriate, I asked him if still had feelings and he said no way and that is why it is okay to tell her he misses her . . . as a friend . . . do you buy that? The cynical side of me says "no way, jose" but I don't want to overreact and blow something out of proportion!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 It all depends. And you can't know for sure, unless he starts acting out of place. Now I feel it IS inappropriate on one simple fact... If he would get upset at you for doing that to him, he should not do it to you. Unfortunately we all have some witlessness when it comes to certain things we do to people that we would not like to have done to us. Should you be concern, no. Keep an eye out, maybe. State your feelings, yes. Just don't be the paranoid type that wants to choose who your bf/gf can or cannot be friends with. DNR
norajane Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 In the course of my discussion with why I thought his text was slightly inappropriate, I asked him if still had feelings and he said no way and that is why it is okay to tell her he misses her . . . as a friend . . . do you buy that? The cynical side of me says "no way, jose" but I don't want to overreact and blow something out of proportion! Great. Then you can feel free to contact your ex, as a friend, and tell him you miss him, as a friend, of course. No? Then your bf is talking out of his ass to try to save his ass.
Angel1111 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 In the course of my discussion with why I thought his text was slightly inappropriate, I asked him if still had feelings and he said no way and that is why it is okay to tell her he misses her . . . as a friend . . . do you buy that? The cynical side of me says "no way, jose" but I don't want to overreact and blow something out of proportion! Would you really expect an honest answer from someone who was cheating on you? Just because you asked the question doesn't mean you're going to get a straight answer. Men can be superior liars and what he's telling you is total crap. Whether he's actually cheating or not, he's lying about the text and its meaning. The last time a man told me he missed me, we ended up in bed. This is not something men say to their 'friends'. If you stay with him after seeing this text - and he knows you've seen it - then you're screwed because you're basically saying that it's ok to have inappropriate or questionable conversations with other women. You need to disappear for at least a week or two and tell him why you're doing it. At the end of that time, talk to him again about it and see how you feel about it and where things stand.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 If he broke up with HER and hes texting her that, then I'd definately be worried. Men are known for making more rash decisions about breaking up than woman - so its possible he dumped her and only NOW is realizing he regrets it. Which is bad. He has you now, and I'm sure you're an amazing person. Men tend to lie when they get caught, especially when they get caught red handed communicating with a woman they're slightly interested in. As Angel suggested, I would agree that distancing yourself from him a bit would be a good idea - trying to talk it out would probably end in a fight, but if you kind of disappear a bit, he'll get the message and miss YOU instead!
Mary3 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I do NOT think you exist to his ex. He broke up with her . He messed up . He is telling her he misses her. Ouch ! She asks why isnt he calling ? Does he intend to call her ? Has he been calling her ? I think this break suggested will give him the green light to end up in bed with her. I do agree you need some time alone but he will take that opportunity like red ants in a jar of sugar....
Author lilcoco Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I do NOT think you exist to his ex. He broke up with her . He messed up . He is telling her he misses her. Ouch ! She asks why isnt he calling ? Does he intend to call her ? Has he been calling her ? I think this break suggested will give him the green light to end up in bed with her. I do agree you need some time alone but he will take that opportunity like red ants in a jar of sugar.... wow! i didn't think my question would get the response that it did - but i am happy for the input. let me clarify something though, this ex is in a different state so even if he did have the desire for a hook-up, it would be quite difficult, logistically i am not so much worried about him scurrying off to hook up with her, but just wondering if it is appropriate to tell an ex that you miss them and the ages old question of whether or not men and women can remain friends after the romance has died off. Query - once you've been intimate with someone, can you be JUST FRIENDS? This is what he is claming, so he is saying that by telling her he misses her, it's like he's saying it to his guy friends.
Author lilcoco Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 If he broke up with HER and hes texting her that, then I'd definately be worried. Men are known for making more rash decisions about breaking up than woman - so its possible he dumped her and only NOW is realizing he regrets it. Which is bad. He has you now, and I'm sure you're an amazing person. Men tend to lie when they get caught, especially when they get caught red handed communicating with a woman they're slightly interested in. As Angel suggested, I would agree that distancing yourself from him a bit would be a good idea - trying to talk it out would probably end in a fight, but if you kind of disappear a bit, he'll get the message and miss YOU instead! as i clarified in my post to Mary3, I'm not so much worried about a hook up (she's in a different state), but rather is it appropriate to tell an ex that you miss them as a friend, and the bigger question being, can men and women remain friends after they break up??? i think it's possible, but i've been burned in the past and don't want to repeat the same mistake.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 The reality is that it's not good news. I've never heard of a guy texting another guy saying "I miss you." Not that my never hearing of it qualifies as fact, but I think wanting to assume his friendship with his ex is comparable to a friendship with another guy is, ultimately, a mistake. I would strongly recommend you stop trying to defend the situation or find a loophole and talk to him.
Mary3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 The answer is NO you can't * really * be friends with an ex that you had sex with and feelings. ONE of you who's not over it will pine for the other. As we see here BOTH are pining for eachother ! Double Whammy ! When I break up with someone I don't remain friends . Or should I say if they break up with me I dont remain friends. I know there are those who both magically skip away into the sunset as friends but HIGHLY unusual. Most times , one pines for the other , has a hard time getting over , agrees to said friendship and gets HURT ! It appears you might be the one getting hurt because neither one have gotten over the other and I suspect a visit from one to the other..
Recommended Posts