rluv Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Hello - This is Rluv - I have posted before; I am dating someone who is filing for divorce from his wife. He has been separated from her for about a year and a half now, we have been dating for 6 months. He hasn't been motivated to get with her to file the papers until we started to get serious, he said there was really no reason until I came along. He owns his own house, she rents her own, and lives with someone. They have two small daughters, 6 and 7. One of the daughters mentioned that she had a fainting/angina spell a month or so ago, and her heart was really racing. He was so concerned, extremely so, the tone was if a husband would be - "Oh really - you didn't tell me that!!" I asked him about it, and he said, "You're damn right I'm concerned!! Well, she's the mother of my kids!" I know he loves me, he calls me twice a day, we spend at least two or more days a week together, he calls me right before he goes to bed, he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me, but I'm afraid he might still have emotional ties with his wife. I'm afraid that I am not letting him process his loss, severing ties with her, and she does call him on a daily/semi-daily basis, about this/that, kids' schedules. Also!! A very long time ago, he had someone who in his words, left him to marry someone else and "stole a piece of his soul, and he never thought of love in the same way again, and no one will ever hurt him as much again." I am at a loss, please help with some perspective. He is a very giving, very patient, loving person, but I feel like I am the voice of reason sometimes. He is a wonderful man. ???
quankanne Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I'm afraid he might still have emotional ties with his wife. of course he does – his kids. I imagine if they weren't in the picture, his relationship with her would be very different. Frankly, for someone to move past his/her hurt over a divorce and still want the best for them because that person is the co-parent of their child is admirable to me. Because I've got family members who do their best to pull ugly shxt on their exes just so they won't be happy ... then try to be all friendly and stuff when Ex's life is crappy. It's sickening to watch. IMO, your guy sounds like a decent guy who isn't going to let that divorce over rule his basic decency or kindness. Don't look at it as something being taken away from you, but look at it as an added layer of good in him. Because he doesn't have to take the high road, but he does ... and that kind of person is rare. my guess is that should the two of you grow closer, and you're seen as a potential life-mate, you're going to be asked to help with the co-parenting of their kids. If you look at his relationship with his kid's mother as something of a role model, and support it by contributing positively, you're in a win-win situation all the way around – he's happy, she's grateful and you're happy.
dgiirl Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hmm, I think you might be blowing this particular issue a little out of proportion. If _anyone_ I knew, even people I dont get along with well, was sick, I'd show concern for them too. It's just basic human decency. How would you feel about your man if when told his ex-wife had become very sick, he said "Good! I hope she gets really sick"? Personally, I wouldn't have much respect for that person. No matter how much my ex-h broke my heart, and no matter how much I am mad at him for that, and no matter how much I think he totally sucks, deep down, I wouldnt want anything serious to happen to him. But as quankanne says, I strongly believe that says more about ME as a human being than it does about him.
Author rluv Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Of course I wouldn't expect him to say that!! It was just said with the intensity and feeling of a husband. That's what made me question the depth of his existing emotional ties to her. And if those ties are deeper to her than they are to me, and if they are, I need him to realize it. He says he loves me, but he didn't bother filing or anything until I came along and let him know I couldn't continue a married, yet separated man. I know they have kids (ages 6 and 7), and are going through with filing papers, I am the first woman she has seen him with since they have split, and she didn't like it. I told him to confront her to see if she was interested in a reconciliation, just to be completely sure of the whole situation, (she lives with someone) but she said no. I think she still likes being in his life, cellphone calls for this, calls for that. Gosh, I would never want anything to bad happen to her - or my ex!! I don't play that way. Nothing but the high road. All I'm saying is, it's nice to have a girlfriend to do stuff with on the weekends, to hang out with the kids, you might think you're "in love," but if he still feels like more of a husband in his heart to her than a boyfriend to me, I want the truth (yes, I can handle the truth). He is a very decent guy - I do love him and want our relationship very, very much. Real love wants the best for someone. Thanks for your thoughts.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 When you say his stbx is living with someone, has she moved on into another relationship with an OM? If this is true then your man has had his heart broken in the same way twice. His reticence to move forward with the divorce on his own volition without your influence speaks volumes about his continued emotional attachment to his stbx. What do you think are the reasons that his relationships don't seem to last? Right now you are putting yourself in the very dangerous position of being his rebound relationship when he has never healed and achieved the right frame of mind to enter another relationship to begin with. You need to tread very carefully going forward to protect yourself from getting hurt! JMO.
Author rluv Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 I agree with everything you've said. When I met him, I was finalizing my divorce, so I thought, he's separated, I'm separated, maybe we're in similar situations. He keeps saying everything's over with her, that door is closed. Something inside doesn't feel right, but he is very patient with me, he says he is more of a boyfriend, my man to me, than her husband in his heart. Another thing, the boyfriend she lives with, she told her kids when he moved in that he's their "uncle." I can't get over that - maybe she thought they were too young (5 and 6 at the time) to handle the truth. And they still think he's their uncle, even though I spend a lot of time with them and their dad, and we kiss in front of them. I know he doesn't want to lose me, but he is in somewhat of denial about being completely healed. He did confront her about filing the papers, and they are being finalized. But paperwork is paperwork. Thoughts, please. Thanx.
ss5725 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I was in a very similar situation to yours, freshly divorced (but completely done) and I dated a man who had been separated from his wife for 7 months, she had been dating OM for months and refused to break it off with him. He filed for divorce and it sort of languished for many months until we started bonding and getting serious. He then moved to schedule a final hearing and his stbx went ballistic, realizing that all her bills would not be paid, and life was going to change for her. To make a long story short, she supposedly dumped the OM, and started putting pressure on him to reconcile, got her teenage children involved, and basically screwed his head up. I stepped back from the situation and they have since reconciled and are "working on their marriage." I was very much in love with this man, and he seemed equally in love with me, but separated does not mean emotionally divorced (especially for men.) Your man could very well go back to his wife and you should be prepared for that. I know that I would not want to be with anyone who was not truly "done" with their marriage, and I was tempted to fight to stay in his life, but I didn't, not that way. I think maybe you should take a step back, and stop seeing him at least until his divorce has been finalized. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have gotten involved with him because of how I am hurting, and also because of the fact that my relationship with him in addition to her affair, I'm sure has added to the issues that they need to deal with for their marriage to be healed. I know that I had nothing to do with their separation, but I still feel hurt and guilty that I was ever involved with him.
Recommended Posts