Acceptance

[amandaparker503]

Friday night i find out my ex was chatting up females on myspace for what i can work out at least the last 6 months of our relationship. Posts are on here, i posted at weekend.

I dont know if he cheated on me by sleeping with them, i will never know. I do know that to me, it is still a cheat , a lie and just plain odd.

 

The odd bit, this guy was so in love with me. I would never in a million years expect to find him on myspace, really i mean it. I knew him inside out. He was always texting me etc , lived with me and my son most of the time and just full on with his emotions for me, he used to say things like "its scary how much i love you" I have never loved anyone as much as you etc etc

 

My question is , he must not have loved me? Was it all really a lie? How could someone be that nasty? I mean he was so jealous of me and controlling, and now i think i know why? Its weird. Why would he cry and say he wants my child? Why would he treat me like the best thing ever?

I mean its wasnt like emotionally we had issues and he had to go eles where, everything was bang on, the sex everything.

 

Did he really lead a seperate life. He cleary lied to me.

 

I dont want to become bitter about this, but i have got into searching myspace now, reading all the girls on his site. I keep thinking about when and how and why he was doing it.

I dont want to be in fear of men in the future.

I want to learn how to accept and move on , but i just cant.

It is eating me up and i really hurt.

I gave this guy everything i could, he wanted so much from me and i swear i dont suffer fools , that is why i am in shock, i thought i knew him.

 

How do i give up on someone i clearly love. I have to say i am so angry and i have no respect for him, is this a sign , but my heart is heavy and i hurt.

 

This sounds really daft, but as you all know by now he is my kickboxing instructor and its the only club in town that is associated with the WUMA. My dream has always been to get my blackbelt and first fight etc , i work bloody hard at it, and it is my passion. Being a single mum it is also my social life , twice a week i get out and i have made friends at this club , being new to the area that is also great for me, they are not close friends, but we all chat and get on and its great....

...So what the hell do i do now?

Part of me wants to walk away forever as he knows i adore it and would never leave.He has this hold over me.

 

As you may be aware, my reaction to finding out he was chatting up girls behind my back etc , wasnt calm, i emailed him some very home truths and i still dont care about that after all the emtional **** he put on me in the past months, and i mean a lot of ****e.

So as a result from previous reactions from him i am guessing he will ban me from the club. He always tells me not to turn up to training when we split up, so i am now scared if i go tomrrow he will ban me...Also i am scared if i give it up , i lose all my friends that i get to see twice a week, my grading place , my love of the sport and a really good club.

Its a hard call, i dont know what to do.

Part of me thinks he wont bann me now, he didnt reply to my emails as no doubt he is very embarrassed...or is he?

Do you think he will even give a dam?

I mean i could ruin him, he has a reputatio in town for being a good personal trainer , he knows i have friendships with people in the club, i mean i could tell them the truth right!

So maybe he wont say anything to me

To be honest, i dont go around causing trouble and i wont tell anyone as i am a grown woman with a child

 

Oh i just don know what to do, i dont know how to progress my life.

He drives past my house every day ,he knows if i am in or out. Its horrible to think i never get control back.

I have gained control with this little incident, but then again i havent as he hasnt got back to me, never will and i am left with why why why

 

Rambling again as it stops me going nuts and contacting him!

Thanks every one xx

[lofi_tokyo]

Ranting is good stuff! It really helps! I always feel guilty though, posting my garbage all over LS, but at least everyone here is either a) understanding or b) hard on me, but only so I grow up. ;p

 

I dont want to become bitter about this, but i have got into searching myspace now, reading all the girls on his site. I keep thinking about when and how and why he was doing it.

I dont want to be in fear of men in the future.

I want to learn how to accept and move on , but i just cant.

It is eating me up and i really hurt.

I gave this guy everything i could, he wanted so much from me and i swear i dont suffer fools , that is why i am in shock, i thought i knew him.

 

How do i give up on someone i clearly love. I have to say i am so angry and i have no respect for him, is this a sign , but my heart is heavy and i hurt.

 

Don't worry. Keep working on remembering why you wouldn't want him as a lover, if memories are holding you back, try to block them out - maybe replace each good one with a bad one?

 

You'll being to fall out of love. Which is terrifying, because you're finally saying goodbye. I think its kind of like - as long as you're in love, it seems like the person's ghost will always be with you, and because you're so lonely, thats enough for you. BUT! Let go, take the plunge, allow yourself to slowly fall out of love at a pace that works for you, and you'll find that list of things you "don't" want to do won't happen. You'll find a new man to love, you'll be happy, and live will feel fresh and fun again.

 

Just keep posting here, letting it all out, read other people's stories, and actively try to move on, even if its in little amounts, each bit of effort has its reward.