FaceInTheCrowd Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 My wife is unhappy (annoyed). I am too. I am not sure if we have gone beyond the point of working something out. We have weekly.. lets say episodes of annoyance, that are getting awfully tiring. Briefly She thinks I don't help out with parenting enough. I think I do and she does not appreciate it. If I am with the baby and the baby whines, I get blamed. If she is with the baby and the baby whines then the baby is cranky. She thinks I don't want to spend any time with her. I think I spend almost all my time away from work with them. I think she is over tired but she does not take naps when the baby does nor does she do any chores (our small two bed-room flat can be a real mess with dishes on the floor, toys everywhere, ect). Personally, I would prefer if she tried sleeping, I think it would help her mood. I am looking for advice and bench marks. I promise not to use what ever is said as ammunition against my wife. My intention is to gain perspective because I think she is unreasonable, but I am willing to be wrong and discover that I am unreasonable. What are your routines? Baby Care What do working fathers do on a daily/weekly basis for there >1 year old baby? What do stay at home mothers expect their husbands to do on a daily/weekly basis in terms of caring for their baby? Chores Who cooks? Who cleans? Activities/Entertainment When the baby is asleep, how much time do husbands and wives spend together or apart? What do you do together or independently? On weekends (off time) how much alone time to you get? What types of activities do you do together with a 1 year old? Sleep How often do fathers sooth baby to sleep during the night? How often do mothers nap when their babies nap? Satisfaction How satisfied are you with your 'arraignment'?
2sure Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 It has been a long time since I have had a baby in the house, so I cant answer your specific questions... But I do want to tell you that many many many couples experience frustration, annoyance, and anger when a child is added to the family. Some couples dont make it , but for everyone it is a monumental change. The stress of changes to schedules, work, time, and even appearance, are HUGE. This stress and change can manifest itself into annoyances. The build up of annoyances can lead to domestic unrest and divorce. (It did for me). Maybe your wife is so consumed with the house, the baby she feels like she is losing her identity.... Maybe you are feeling left out of the "unit" that is now your wife and child? Or maybe you just need a list of priorities put together by the two of you, so that you can refer to it?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Heh...well, when mine were babies, I counted the seconds until my H came home, threw them on him as soon as he walked in the door, and crawled away to the bathroom to weep.
hotgurl Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Heh...well, when mine were babies, I counted the seconds until my H came home, threw them on him as soon as he walked in the door, and crawled away to the bathroom to weep. ouch! I was a single mother so no relief for me. to the op why not talk to your wife after the baby is asleep and she has had a little time to relax. Talk about what you expectations are and what her expectations are and how to meet in the middle. it sounds like she is overwhelmed and exhausted.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 hotgurl, I was single when my first was born and had none of the problems I endured with the other three. I think a lot of that was because with #1, I had to work, so I had a built-in 8-hour 'break'. 24/7 parenting is a tough gig. FaceInTheCrowd, I think you need to back up and be a bit more sensitive to your wife's needs right now. A baby is very demanding. She likely feels that she's giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. Her well is quickly being emptied and all these digs to you about not helping enough is her saying, "I'm drowning here!" Telling her that you're already doing enough and she just doesn't appreciate it, and especially telling her that if she'd just 'take a nap' she'd be able to do more, isn't helping. For your activities question: are you trying to convince her that you need 'me' time away from home? If so, stop it right now. My husband thought it would be a great idea to take up a hobby that would take him away from home overnight right after our fourth child was born, and even though he only participated in this thing once, we're still fighting about it, four years later. Now is the time for you to learn to NOT BE SELFISH. You want to be seen as the best husband and father EVER, for the rest of your life? Then right now, stop trying to be right, and bend over backward for your wife at this very delicate time.
highfive Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Now is the time for you to learn to NOT BE SELFISH. You want to be seen as the best husband and father EVER, for the rest of your life? Then right now, stop trying to be right, and bend over backward for your wife at this very delicate time. Faceinthecrowd, I am a father of two, and I have been where you are now. You are getting excellent advice here. You have to stop thinking about you. Now is the time to help your wife as much as you possibly can. She is going through more than you can even imagine, so focus all of your energy on making her life as comfortable as possible, but don't expect her to show that she appreciates it; she is probably too tired. I can't give you benchmarks, because every situation is different. All I can tell you is help your family to the best of your ability. I know it can be difficult. Before the baby it was just the two of you, and you had her undivided attention. Now things have changed but this time is also every special so make the most of it. Best wishes, ^5
me4u2 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I'm going to try to answer your questions one by one. Regarding her taking a nap when the baby does. That is nearly impossible for several reasons. One, I know you said the house is a mess or whatever, but maybe she is picking up something around the house or taking a shower or just wanting her own time without someone being attached to her. Time to just chill not an automatic "go to bed" signal. It's very difficult to wind down and actually take a nap after the baby goes down. You're sort of exhausted and elated at the same time, if you will. I don't have any set expectations for my husband, but I'll tell you what my husband does do - he interacts with the baby for a bit, changes a diaper or helps get the baby ready for bed. In addition, he also talks to our 5 year old daughter. So, for me, he's an active father most of the time. Granted, there are definitely times when his patience is gone from a rough day at work and I complete get that. As far as on the weekends, I guess just more of the same and he gives me some time to get away on my own for a bit, whether that means I'm in the house or out of the house. I cook, I clean. I can't answer the when the baby is asleep thing. It's dysfunctional over here, lol! He's in IT and he's glued to the computer or on call, etc. I spend a ridiculous amount of time alone even though we're here together. As far as doing stuff with the kids on the weekends, it depends. We go to the Park, an event, play in the yard, switch off so each one of us gets space and alone time. I'm in charge of all the sleep stuff during the night. HOWEVER, he definitely would help out if I asked him to if I was having a rough day, etc. There may be times when the baby is so insane during the day that the thought of getting up at 2am would make me want to cry along with the baby, lol! Again, hard to nap when the baby naps. Sometimes it's doable, most times it's not. I'd say I'm satisfied with the way things go around here. I can't stand the fact that we don't interact as a couple, but there isn't much I can do about that aspect. The baby thing is temporary, really it is. The beginning seems like it will never end and all of a sudden, boom, they are independent little toddlers.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 It sounds like you two need a little break. Have you thought about bring over a relative to babysit for a few hours and you two have a get away to reacquaint yourselves? Have you and she looked at group parentage for her? Or maybe she needs an aide while you work to help her adjust to having a the added responsibility of the child? Also, take some time to acknowledge her complaints and don't think too much about what you do. It is her eyes you need to see you from right now. Maybe you might have to lend more hand in take care of the house when you get home. Cook in shifts. Take the baby out so that she can have an hour or two to herself for herself. Give her a 10 second kiss when you wake up in the morning. Give her a 10 second kiss before you leave to work. Give her a 10 second kiss when you come home. Give her a 10 second kiss good night. Take some time to plan ahead of time and work on breaking down the housework even more. Get more in touch with her side and she will with your's. Spend some extra cash or take some money you were saving for something for yourself and buy something sweet and romantic for her. Remind her everyday how much you love and appreciate her for the woman she is, the homekeeper she is, for the chef she is, for the mother she is, and most importantly for the wife she is. These are some things that could probably help all three of you.
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