Gradually Becoming Asexual

[kashmir]

I'll try to describe my situation as briefly as possible.

 

I've been hurt. Not by one woman, but women in general. I've never been in a relationship, nor have I ever had any kind of intimate contact with a woman I had feelings for. I've kissed and had sex, but only on drunken one night stands.

 

For the past few months I've been putting myself out there. I've been approaching girls, getting to know them, asking them out, etc. Every single girl I've gone for, though, has made my faith in women of my generation as a whole diminish (I'm 19). I'd like to believe there are some good girls out there, but my experiences have told me otherwise.

 

Here's what I've come to think -

 

Girls my age were brought up in a way that greatly inflates their egos. Their sense of self-worth is through the roof. They believe they superior to any man, therefore they see all men as tools to manipulate for their own benefit and pleasure. This is due to being brought up pampered and given constant positive advantages as they grew. Don't get me wrong, plenty of guys are egotistic and jerks too, but from my experiences, the proportion between jerky guys and jerky girls is very different. Even the shyest and seemingly "sweetest" girls I met have this inflated sense of self-worth and attitude, while there are SOOO many shy and sweet guys I know who don't overly-love themselves or hate themselves, but they all seem to be in the same hole as me. With every girl I hope that I've found someone different, but she always turns out to be the same.

 

I've been told many times by people that I shouldn't have a problem with women. I'm tall, athletic, not bad looking, smart in both common sense and school, musical, etc. I have big goals for my life and I've overcome a lot (I had a series of mental illnesses in my youth which I still have, but I've learned to deal with them over the years). I have a lot of pride in myself and what I've done/do/will do with my life. Girls just don't seem to care though, and naturally I have a desire for women. As time passes, though, that desire is dropping more and more. I don't want it to drop, but I feel like with every bad girl I meet, I'm becoming more and more asexual...possibly even homosexual if enough time passes. I really don't want to believe what I believe about women, but it's becoming harder to ignore with every day.

[kizik]

Kashmir,

 

I agree with some of the things you say here about young girls' inflated sense of self-importance. And yes, it's all guys' fault, for acting like The Almighty Vagina is the Holy F*cking Grail.

 

You are 19. You are in a dating no-man's-land. All the girls your age are very stupid. Plus, they want older men. You are not an older man.

 

OK, so you are good-looking. From what you write, I can tell you're smart. The problem comes from WANTING.

 

You WANT a girl. Yet there's a contradiction - you don't seem to LIKE them very much. So, you want someone you don't like.

 

Think about that for a minute.

 

I've said this before - unhappiness comes from unfulfilled desires. You need to take your head out of your behind and stop being so cynical about women. The issue is not that you're becoming asexual, it's that you're becoming bitter.

 

Ah, another bitter, scorned man. Just what this world needs.

[kashmir]

I've been bitter before. This is not bitter. Bitterness complements anger, hate, and envy. I feel none of those things now. I just feel nothing towards women. I want to have feelings for them, but I can't.

 

I've wanted a girl for a while, but the last few weeks I've been thinking otherwise. I'm convinced now that I really don't want it. I'm convinced that it would be more of a burden to me than a benefit. It's a realization that nothing is really worth it for me.

[kizik]

I... don't think you cared about my response to you, so here's another, simpler one:

 

Chill out. Relax. Stop worrying about this crap. Focus on school and work. Just Don't Worry about women or finding one.

[Green]

what state are you in? that might have something to do with it

[kashmir]

kizik, I did read your response, several times actually, and I feel like my response DID address your post.

 

School has never been an issue for me. I never had to invest too much time to get by with good grades, so I'm left with a lot of free time. I use this time to write music. I actually decided that for next semester I need to get my sh*t together and actually record some of it.

 

I'm agreeing with you that I need to forget about it all, and that's what I believe is happening to me right now. I just wish I could become indifferent without feeling depressed and ill.

 

KMT, I live in NJ.

[Geishawhelk]

BTW... You might decide to resign yourself to being asexual, but you can't 'become' homosexual. It's a birth thing, not a transformative thing.

Unless you think you might actually be homosexual, and you've just been in denial all these years - ......

[kizik]

I think it's great that you're using this time, and these emotions, to do something creative, which is write songs. RECORD. I'm finishing an album right now and many of the songs are about HER and it's the greatest therapy in the world.

 

Look, you're always going to feel that PANG whenever you see a gorgeous girl. I can't describe that feeling - just envy, heartbreak, knowing she aint yours... I understand you, kashmir. I feel loneliness each day. But it's no one else's responsibility to make me happy. You know? One has to do that for oneself.

 

Keep your head up. You're a smart young guy.

[Yamaha]

Older women would love a guy your age. It is the age of the cougar women so if you can't find a gal your age to date look for an older women who will appreciate a young guy like you.

 

Yes. Women your age think they are sitting on a gold mine and it is men who have given them this attitude. Unless there is something different about you that catches a women's interest you are just another guy ( and she has many choices to choose from ).

[kashmir]

BTW... You might decide to resign yourself to being asexual, but you can't 'become' homosexual. It's a birth thing, not a transformative thing.

Unless you think you might actually be homosexual, and you've just been in denial all these years - ......

 

I know it's genetic, but what I meant by that statement was that I might be so repelled away from women that men might not look so bad. We're born with certain genetic coding that gives us initial traits, but I believe our minds can override many of those initial traits if it uses enough force and dominance.

 

I think it's great that you're using this time, and these emotions, to do something creative, which is write songs. RECORD. I'm finishing an album right now and many of the songs are about HER and it's the greatest therapy in the world.

 

Look, you're always going to feel that PANG whenever you see a gorgeous girl. I can't describe that feeling - just envy, heartbreak, knowing she aint yours... I understand you, kashmir. I feel loneliness each day. But it's no one else's responsibility to make me happy. You know? One has to do that for oneself.

 

Keep your head up. You're a smart young guy.

 

I never write songs about women or love. All my songs are about about self-conflict, suicide, death, and depression. I don't feel that pang over beautiful women anymore. I just look past them because I know that CHANCES are she's going to be egotistic, manipulative, and just not worth it.

 

Thanks for your understanding.

[Geishawhelk]

I know it's genetic, but what I meant by that statement was that I might be so repelled away from women that men might not look so bad.

I'm sure that's a wonderful comfort to men. Bet they can't wait for you to start swinging.....

 

We're born with certain genetic coding that gives us initial traits, but I believe our minds can override many of those initial traits if it uses enough force and dominance.

Yes, but first you have to completely desire that. And judging by your comments below, I somehow doubt you're in any frame of mind to effect a change that drastic.....

 

 

I never write songs about women or love. All my songs are about about self-conflict, suicide, death, and depression. I don't feel that pang over beautiful women anymore. I just look past them because I know that CHANCES are she's going to be egotistic, manipulative, and just not worth it.

 

You become what you project. If you manifest those kinds of emotions, that's what your demeanour tells people you are. Self-conflicted, depressive and utterly dejected. You've effectively constructed a barrier, a keep-away wall, and that's exactly what they're doing.

My, aren't you a cheerful soul!

[kashmir]

Older women would love a guy your age. It is the age of the cougar women so if you can't find a gal your age to date look for an older women who will appreciate a young guy like you.

 

Yes. Women your age think they are sitting on a gold mine and it is men who have given them this attitude. Unless there is something different about you that catches a women's interest you are just another guy ( and she has many choices to choose from ).

 

The thing is, even the dominant so-called confident guys at my age just feed these girls. It's not just the guys who think getting laid is nirvana or the virgins either. This one guy on my team has a stunning girlfriend, but he lets himself get used by her to an unbelievable extent. Yeah, he's sleeping with her, but she, all her friends, and all of us think he's a total wuss...and this guy is a very tall, handsome, and outgoing guy. So even he makes it harder for everyone, because after this girl breaks up with him, she's going to think she can do that with any guy.

 

I am different from these guys, but I don't think girls WANT different guys. I'm pretty convinced that girls don't feel sexual attraction. The only reason they want boyfriends is for social status. They want other girls to see that they hooked a guy and are taken.

[LiveKhaos]

BTW... You might decide to resign yourself to being asexual, but you can't 'become' homosexual. It's a birth thing, not a transformative thing.

Unless you think you might actually be homosexual, and you've just been in denial all these years - ......

 

Well not to attack you or get into a flame war..I respect your opinion, and I respect all homosexuals a like..

 

however I must coincide with the fact that I believe that humans are NOT born with Homosexual intentions...Homosexuality is a lifestyle, and a choice...ALL these things are factors that we have the ability to learn..we learn different lifestyles, and we learn to choose what we desire as we progress in life from a variety of early ages.

 

Is there such a thing as a "Gay Gene"? No. As a matter of fact in 1970 a group of scientist completely embarrassed themselves claiming they had alas found the "Gay Gene"..however they failed to mention that this same gene was found in over 75% of the straight folks within this controlled group.

 

I apologize for hijacking your thread for a sec there buddy.

 

To the OP, don't give up..for now try concentrating on other things, like hobbies, and sports maybe. You're young and most of the girls in your age group aren't looking for serious relationships with younger guys...since they're usually attracted to older guys in their 20's. If you concentrate on you and do you..then a girl will come..take a break from dating, and chasing girls..reflect upon yourself and like you said use this time to get your sh*t together..becuase no one will for you. Good Luck and don't give up so easily. Sometimes we go through certain things because we can handle them..while possibly the person next to you can't...

[sid3]

That old saying that you'll meet someone when you not looking happens far more than people believe. It's all about being in the right mind frame. At 19 you shouldn't feel like giving up on women, you should work on developing a more positive attitude. Taking a break from dating can be a good way to get your head together and work on self improvement, considering switching teams sounds kind of strange to me. To each their own though.

[Yamaha]

I'm pretty convinced that girls don't feel sexual attraction. The only reason they want boyfriends is for social status. They want other girls to see that they hooked a guy and are taken.

 

Oh, they feel sexual attraction. They just aren't at a place where they are looking for anything serious. They want to have fun and playing with boys is fun. You sound like a serious type.....

[kashmir]

You become what you project. If you manifest those kinds of emotions, that's what your demeanour tells people you are. Self-conflicted, depressive and utterly dejected. You've effectively constructed a barrier, a keep-away wall, and that's exactly what they're doing.

My, aren't you a cheerful soul!

 

You're completely missing the point of writing songs on such topics. I'm not trying to build a wall with them, in fact I'm doing the opposite and opening up, trying to connect with people who can relate. I write a song about suicide because it's what I feel. I'm not going to lie to myself and write about getting women and how awesome my life is, like a number of other artists do. In my opinion, it's better if I get those feelings out through music than through something destructive like drugs or hurting myself.

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks for the info, LiveKhaos...

However, in this case (whilst I take your post on board) I think the statement by the OP to the effect that he may become homosexual, is more a sign of his current depressed state of mind, than an affirmation of his real desire.....

[Geishawhelk]

You're completely missing the point of writing songs on such topics. I'm not trying to build a wall with them, in fact I'm doing the opposite and opening up, trying to connect with people who can relate.

That's right. You're relating to people with similarly depressive, dejected, hopeless emotions. You've got a one-track mind.

 

Every successful songwriter deals with a repertoire of subjects.

Only people like Morissey and Leonard Cohen do that kind of dirge well. Meet them in life, and they're actually rather jolly people.

The same cannot be said for you, really, can it?

[kashmir]

That's right. You're relating to people with similarly depressive, dejected, hopeless emotions. You've got a one-track mind.

 

Every successful songwriter deals with a repertoire of subjects.

Only people like Morissey and Leonard Cohen do that kind of dirge well. Meet them in life, and they're actually rather jolly people.

The same cannot be said for you, really, can it?

 

Not true. There are plenty of very talented and soulful musicians who touch on these things in all their songs, and their music is still beautiful. It conveys a sorrowful and painful message, but it's still beautiful.

 

And how do you know that I'm not jolly in real life? I wouldn't call myself jolly, but it's not like I walk around all day with my head down. I actually smile quite a bit, but I'm also sad quite a bit.

 

@Yamaha - You can call me a serious type, but a little fun would be nice too.

[Isolde]

Kashmir--

 

To be honest, I've felt the same way about men at times. But that alone should prove to you that the frustration you feel is universal.

 

Not all girls are like this. You may not believe me, but I'll choose to believe that there are good men out there.

 

There are tons of girls who want something serious, something real. You know what? Half of the girls who seem like they're just looking for fun have been burned more times than you would know.

 

It's a never-ending cycle, K.

[kizik]

Kashmir,

 

you're too young to decide anything, OK? Listen to Isolde. She is smart. And you know what's stupid? Making blanket statements about an entire gender.

 

You're another one of these idealists who wallows in their own misery. You revel in the whole tortured artist thing. But it's better to have a good attitude, laugh, and enjoy life than to idealize and replicate someone like Elliott Smith (whose music I LOVE, btw) for his suicidal obsessions. [i know you didn't mention Smith, but that's who you remind me of.]

[Isolde]

BTW, what exactly do you mean by overly inflated sense of self worth even in the "shyest" girls? I don't think being confident, and thinking you deserve a good thing is overly inflated. I think EVERYONE should feel that way.

[kashmir]

Kashmir,

 

you're too young to decide anything, OK? Listen to Isolde. She is smart. And you know what's stupid? Making blanket statements about an entire gender.

 

You're another one of these idealists who wallows in their own misery. You revel in the whole tortured artist thing. But it's better to have a good attitude, laugh, and enjoy life than to idealize and replicate someone like Elliott Smith (whose music I LOVE, btw) for his suicidal obsessions. [i know you didn't mention Smith, but that's who you remind me of.]

 

You know kizik, I've always wondered if the music I listen to actually hurts me. I know and like Elliot Smith, but he's not that big of an influence on me. I love the band Tool, but I've been going through phases of listening to them constantly and not at all for the last few years. They're the one band that messes with me psychologically...they're irresistible in a way. They get me in such a dark and paranoid mindset that I NEED to stop listening to them for a while. Alice in Chains is probably the biggest influence over my music though , and if you know them you know that their music is also filled with sorrow, death, and drug abuse.

 

BTW, what exactly do you mean by overly inflated sense of self worth even in the "shyest" girls? I don't think being confident, and thinking you deserve a good thing is overly inflated. I think EVERYONE should feel that way.

 

It's more than simply being confident. Its girls who think they are far above guys and believe they can use their gender to achieve anything. Because they have a vagina and not a penis, they think they can get away with anything...which in many cases they can.

[You'reasian]

BTW, what exactly do you mean by overly inflated sense of self worth even in the "shyest" girls? I don't think being confident, and thinking you deserve a good thing is overly inflated. I think EVERYONE should feel that way.

 

Might I add, Isolde seems like an intelligent, reasonable and decent woman from reading her posts.

 

See, here's a woman whose personality is a plus. She's probably older than 19, so maybe you are looking for the wrong age range. You say you live in NJ, perhaps you are looking for a midwestern type girl who is down to earth and easy to talk to?

[Isolde]

Might I add, Isolde seems like an intelligent, reasonable and decent woman from reading her posts.

 

See, here's a woman whose personality is a plus. She's probably older than 19, so maybe you are looking for the wrong age range. You say you live in NJ, perhaps you are looking for a midwestern type girl who is down to earth and easy to talk to?

 

*Blushes furiously*