Found out on Friday...

[keepin_it_real]

My wife of 5 years (dated for 4 prior to marriage) and mutual friend had a tryst. Apparently sometime last year. Don't know a lot of details, not sure if I really want to. I opened my heart completely, let go all "barriers" of trust, and this is what happens... historically I've always held some trust in reserve - not with her - it was all in her hands... gone.

 

We have no kids and none are on the way. A choice made by the both of us, not because of some medical condition on either of our parts.

 

My immediate response was shock. I didn't get mad - I have yet to get mad, which makes me wonder if deep-down I had already known and have already written this off, or I dunno... When I found out, the two of them were in the room with me. I just wanted away from the both of them and immediately left. As an aside, I hear songs and they have an entirely new meaning now!

 

Not sure if it's still going on or when it last occurred. The morning after I found out I downloaded the forms needed for a divorce - should be pretty cut and dried, no complicated money issues, just a house to sell (GREAT FRICKIN' MARKET FOR THAT! ) After reading some posts here, sounds like I don't need to knee-jerk a reaction, but rather ponder things. So I'm doing that. Divorce sure seems like the right direction, tho...

 

We have a big house, so it's couch for her. I haven't touched her since I found out - I don't want to - seems "tainted" to me.

 

She wants a counseling session - so I'll give her that. Maybe it'll help me ferret-out what in the heck I'm feeling. I have no idea how to process this - I just don't get it.

 

I feel like such a loser for being in this situation... looks like it gets better as time goes on, though. The sun will rise. The world keeps on spinnin'...

 

Thanks for letting me share.

[Owl]

OK....realize that anger will actually take time to show up. But when it does...WHAMMO! It will hit hard...be ready to deal with it when it gets there.

 

You said that she wants a counseling session...but you didn't say that she's remorseful, that she wants to reconcile the marriage, etc....

 

What WAS her reaction to your 'discovery'? How did you find out? What is she willing to do to reconcile?

 

I'd agree that there's no rush to make any choices at this point...for now...get your head around the facts.

 

THEN decide if this is recoverable or not.

 

Make sense?

[keepin_it_real]

She's very remorseful and she wants to try to stay together. I found out by overhearing a conversation.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain. First, you are not a loser. Rather it is her this is the loser. She deliberately made the choice of engaging in a double betrayal of you with your friend. She deliberately made the choice of disrespecting, humiliating, putting your health at risk for STD's and showing distain for you and your marriage.

 

A question that needs to be asked is what gave her permission to engage in sexual acts with your mutual friend and disrespect you in such a horrible way. When you found out with the both of them in the room with you, what do she have to say? It sounds like you caught them in your home. You need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You now know that your have a spouse who is able to engage in sexually betraying you behind your back and lying to you. Why would you wish to be with someone who can so easily lie and cheat on you? I think you deserve better than to settle for an individual with such a broken moral compass. I wish you luck.

[Bryanp]

I just read your previous response. She clearly had no intent on ever telling you. You had to found out yourself and she did not come and be honest with you. In short, as far as you know she had no intention of stopping. It sounds like she is very remorseful for getting caught more than anything else and disrupting her lifestyle.

[Owl]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain. First, you are not a loser. Rather it is her this is the loser. She deliberately made the choice of engaging in a double betrayal of you with your friend. She deliberately made the choice of disrespecting, humiliating, putting your health at risk for STD's and showing distain for you and your marriage.

 

A question that needs to be asked is what gave her permission to engage in sexual acts with your mutual friend and disrespect you in such a horrible way. When you found out with the both of them in the room with you, what do she have to say? It sounds like you caught them in your home. You need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You now know that your have a spouse who is able to engage in sexually betraying you behind your back and lying to you. Why would you wish to be with someone who can so easily lie and cheat on you? I think you deserve better than to settle for an individual with such a broken moral compass. I wish you luck.

 

 

Bryan...people DO recover marriages from infidelity.

 

Its NOT 'settling'...trust me, I speak from experience.

 

There's no need for a "knee jerk" reaction here...right now...he needs to sort through the facts, and start working through the emotions...THEN he can figure out whether or not what's happened is something he can forgive or not.

 

As far as the "what gave her permission"...that's something that they'll want to work out in counseling jointly...its not something she'll know the answer to, or that the OP will either.

 

To the OP:

 

Has she agreed to no contact (NC) with this guy...FOREVER?

[Owl]

I just read your previous response. She clearly had no intent on ever telling you. You had to found out yourself and she did not come and be honest with you. In short, as far as you know she had no intention of stopping. It sounds like she is very remorseful for getting caught more than anything else and disrupting her lifestyle.

 

No one in an affair or who has had an affair EVER wants to tell their spouse.

 

They ARE typically remorseful for getting caught at first...and then only later, when they really start to understand the depth of the pain and betrayal will they REALLY become remorseful for the damage they've done.

 

HER RESPONSE IS TYPICAL.

 

And it does not mean that this situation is non-recoverable.

[jwi71]

The anger will come. It took a bit for it to knock on my door too. Just, handle well or better than I did.

 

Is your W still with the OM? When was the last time they were "together"?

Have you been tested for STDs?

Is she pregnant? Look, I know you said she isn't - but she has been with other men. I would at least buy a home test.

 

Right now, go to MC and go see an divorce lawyer. Go to MC to see if you can salvage the marriage. Go to the lawyer for you. Get advice, learn the law in your area and have an advocate who works only for you and your interests. I am not saying file for D...but get some advice and figure out where you stand.

 

Just survive for now. Don't do anything stupid or illegal. You feel the rage coming - get out. Take a walk. In fact, can you ship your W to friends or family for a few days?

[keepin_it_real]

I'm shipping myself out of town soon...

[Owl]

You haven't answered my question...is she still in contact, of ANY kind, with the other man(OM)?

 

Huge thing here, as I'm sure you know.

 

Another option...consider picking up a copy of a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. It can give you quite a bit of good information.

[keepin_it_real]

Yeah, I imagine there'll be at least one more contact - he has some of our stuff. I really don't want to see him, and at this point, who gives a crap about if she does again - damage is already done.

[Owl]

Well, it looks like the anger is already here then!

 

It matters if she's in contact or not only if you have any thoughts to reconciliation.

 

But that's entirely up to you.

 

Most BS's (betrayed spouses) fight to end contact between affair partners. If you have no desire to do so, then your best bet is to do as you've been advised by others and see an attorney ASAP.

[keepin_it_real]

Oh don't get me wrong, I don't want either of us to see him again. And after items of value are back in my possession and his are back to him (I'm just leaving them outside his house - they're too heavy for the wife to transport), no contact will be a requirement for even considering anything going-forward.

[jwi71]

Huh? What are his possessions doing in your house? And too heavy for your wife to lift? And WTH are you valuable items doing at his house?

[keepin_it_real]

It's a lengthy story - boiled-down version is that he's been involved in one way or another in our lives for many years. Stuff gets left at friend's houses - or ex-friends.

[theobserver]

I'm all for thinking things through but come on she cheated with a friend of both of yours one you've allowed into your home you've let him borrow stuff vice versa you trusted each other. I think it's great he is soon to be removed from your life but you really have to wonder about your wife.

 

I dunno I really try to think situations through, what's a partner cheating with some random person they grew a bond with at work or at a bar or with a friend you've known for years and trusted that betrayed you all while laughing behind your back with your wife. Think of all the times he's laughed , had a beer with you bumped into your wife in the past and you thought nothing of it now you know what was going on.

 

You are not a loser as someone said but your wife has a nerve. What's important to me is how did they confessed was it because you caught them or did they realise this was wrong and decide to come forth together? It just sounds so odd I wouldn't want the guy right there as she confessed, you shouldn't of walked out you should of made him leave personally but who knows how the situation was Im sure you wanted to knock his block off and maybe your wife and walking out to clear your mind was best.

 

Anyway personally I think you'd find it hard to trust your wife again , I'm not saying you can't recover YOU CAN but personally there's a line I can't forgive and that's having the nerve not only to cheat but with a friend it certainly doesn't soften the blow like a stranger MIGHT. They probably made love in your bed all over the house ugh.

 

Listen like you said unlike some people here there's no children thankfully involved so you don't have to go through that Bull**** of "let's try for the kids" no thanks. Continue with the divorce sell the house and find someone out there who is more trust worthy they are out there. Wish your soon to be ex-wife a happy life (don't be bitter she's simply done you a favour and freed you by showing her true colours by opening her legs to another man) and look forward to your new life.

 

Word of advice maybe this time really hold off getting married or don't at all.

[jmargel]

My ex-fiancee of 5 years did that to me, with a close friend. Though after that happened I realized I really didn't know the truth about what type of person he is.

 

You will go through the 5 stages of grief, and there is no just 'one talk'. One counseling session won't allow you to find the answers you seek, but it's a start. I know where you've been, because it happened to me. You were betrayed twice by the two people you felt you could trust.

 

Realize that this was not your fault, nothing you did caused this. They didn't do this because of your personality either. You are not the losers, they are. They are the immature, selfish ones that did not show you the respect you deserved.

 

None of us here should be telling you what you should do in terms of divorcing or staying with her. What we can do is give you insight and approach this problem of yours at a different angle so that you can try to understand all of this a little better. Then it's upto you to make that choice. Realize though that you are not on a time table to make this decision.

[In Like Flynn]

Can you define tryst??

[keepin_it_real]

Tryst = multiple occasions of intercourse.

 

A friend a long time ago told me once that "everyone deserves a second chance," but with multiple occasions, not telling me for over a year... there were LOTS of times for a second chance, it's way over... the deception and lies are so deep and on so many levels.

 

I think this is done, I really do.

[keepin_it_real]

But... no hasty decisions... no knee-jerk... be good to get out of town for a while.

[jwi71]

But... no hasty decisions... no knee-jerk... be good to get out of town for a while.

 

Yup. Good. No hasty/angry decisions. I wouldn't make any decisions for at least several weeks. Think about what you want and what you can live with.

[cherrymoon]

Tryst: A private romantic rendezvous between lovers.

 

Sometimes i get so annoyed.

 

People Do recover from affairs! We aren't recovered but we are getting there everyday. At the moment it is as tough as hell but we are still curled up together every night. He told me he loved me today in a text and I just told him we needed a break. He replied Break???? from each other???? no way never again did it before it was rubbish.

 

I meant a break away together!

 

I read here and people say DIVORCE.

Maybe some people have to but you know when we look in the mirror and we truly examine our marriages there is fault there are issues that lead to this happening and there is no shame saying I still love her.

 

You didn't ask for this but you did promise for better or worse, this is the worse bit. ONLY YOU can decide what you want to do.

 

Owl is right the true extent of her remorse will only come out when you anger has leveled and she sees what she has done.

Rubbish to the saying once a cheater always a cheater.

It isn't a design flaw it is a awful stupid selfish choice and as humans we make wrong choices and decisions regularly but we can and do learn from them.

 

I wish you all the best it is a tough time for you be strong and stay healthy.

[keepin_it_real]

So it's been a few weeks. I've gone to one counseling session, got another this week. Wife wants to come with to the next one - I'm all for that.

 

Things going generally well - getting out of town was good - I managed to gain a few pounds, so apparently my appetite hasn't gone away!

 

One day at a time...

[DealingWDrama]

KeepitReal - glad things are looking up for you. Things will get better one day at a time...there will be days when you are angry and days when you are mad or days when you just can't get the dang ordeal out of your head - but healing with occur if you allow it time. Marriage is a precious thing and true love comes with choice and hard work....hugs to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife of 5 years (dated for 4 prior to marriage) and mutual friend had a tryst. Apparently sometime last year. Don't know a lot of details, not sure if I really want to. I opened my heart completely, let go all "barriers" of trust, and this is what happens... historically I've always held some trust in reserve - not with her - it was all in her hands... gone.

 

We have no kids and none are on the way.

 

Then its easy. Get rid of her. And ditch this so-called mutual "friend".

 

 

Not sure if it's still going on or when it last occurred. The morning after I found out I downloaded the forms needed for a divorce - should be pretty cut and dried, no complicated money issues, just a house to sell (GREAT FRICKIN' MARKET FOR THAT! ) After reading some posts here, sounds like I don't need to knee-jerk a reaction, but rather ponder things. So I'm doing that. Divorce sure seems like the right direction, tho...

 

I always advice divorce in the face of infidelity. Some call it a "knee-jerk" reaction, but its not. Its from experience. Its the experience from knowing that this day forward, even if you forgive her and move on, trust is forever shattered and all will never be right with you again. Not saying you can't get back to some kind of normal, but why live a life with someone you can't trust and will always have to wonder about even if you forgive and give back "some" trust?

 

 

We have a big house, so it's couch for her.

 

As it should be.

 

 

I haven't touched her since I found out - I don't want to - seems "tainted" to me.

 

Question is, do you think you can ever "touch" her again knowing she spread 'em for some other guy?

 

 

She wants a counseling session - so I'll give her that. Maybe it'll help me ferret-out what in the heck I'm feeling. I have no idea how to process this - I just don't get it.

 

 

Well if you go to this counseling session, don't hold back. Tell the counselor EXACTLY how you feel. Even if the deepest, darkest descriptions about how you are feeling and how you feel towards her come to the surface.

 

If you hold that back, counseling is useless.

 

 

I feel like such a loser for being in this situation

 

You definitely aren't alone in that thinking. I was too. Until I started getting a little angry. Then I started thinking clearly, and for me, there was but one solution. Get rid of her or I'd always be wondering why I am with a cheater.