MarieD Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Hello! I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. Things have been going great lately, we had to iron out a few insecurity issues that he had in the beginning, that caused us MAJOR problems, but things have been great lately. Yesterday we talked about our sex drives. I see him once during the week & saturday & sunday - cause he works nights in NY. Out of those 3 days, we have sex 2 times. He said the other day that 2 out of 3 day is ok, but he wishes we could have sex 3 days out of 3 - he wants it every single time we are together. We have talked & I told him that he has a very high sex drive & i have a low sex drive. 2 out of 3 times a weeks is fine with me, but he wants more. I just hope this doesn't cause problems later down the road. I have PMDD - a premenstral disorder that I have to take Paxil for. So my medication may have some responsibility in my low sex drive. But honesly I never really had a high sex drive that i could remember. My boyfriend said that when we first met & started having sex, that we did it all the time. I told him thats how all relationships are in the beginning, cause its new & in the honeymoon stage. With most of my friends, the sex slows down after a few months of dating. I am very attracted to my boyfriend & love him very much, so that has nothing to do at all with my low sex drive. I was just wondering if anyone ever had this issue. I just hope this doesn't cause problems. I would love to hear about it.
2sunny Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 if i were dating someone and they wanted to have sex with me EVERY time they were with me - i'd feel used. that's the bottom line. if the idea to see you is just to get sex - it sets the tone for a different guideline in the relationship. so maybe wait until you two have a chance to see each other five times a week and see if he still keeps it to the three times a week he says he wants. he may equate the - i want to see her = i need sex. the choice happens to be you. what would happen if you didn't see him for 2-3 weeks? would he just find someone else to fill the gap of his need 3 times each week? just wondering... you need to discuss this further with him.
Author MarieD Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 Yeah I could see what u r saying, but i don't think that is the case. My BF says that he is VERY attracted to me & I turn him on bit time, and that he wants to be close to me, etc. I told him I feel the same, but there are times where i don't have to have sex to do that. I don't want our relationship to be just about sex. When we were having problems in the beginning months, we took a break for 2 weeks, twice & he didn't go get sex somewhere else to fill in the gap. He then said that 2x was fine with him - of course cause he didn't get any for the 2 full weeks. He did say to me one time that if i don't have sex with him as much as he does, he feels like I don't love him, WHICH is part of his insecurity problem, cause it has NOTHING to do with how much i love him. I told him that i looked online & the average couple has sex 2 - 3 times a week. He in return says that he could show me articles where couples have sex every day. He says the more sex, the happier the couples are. I guess no relationship is perfect.
Raizin_Drop Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 My BF says that he is VERY attracted to me & I turn him on bit time, and that he wants to be close to me, etc. I told him I feel the same, but there are times where i don't have to have sex to do that. He did say to me one time that if i don't have sex with him as much as he does, he feels like I don't love him, WHICH is part of his insecurity problem, cause it has NOTHING to do with how much i love him. Similar problem i have had and sometimes have in my relationship. I visit my bf 2x a week, and always stay over til the following day, and normally, everytime we meet we have to have sex. Its not likle i dont want to, but sometimes stress, and even just feeling very tired can play a part. It doesnt mean we dont feel any closer to them. On the contrary. I find it worse when my bf gets into a sulk about it rather than trying to understand. Sometimes the body just isn't in the mood for sex and it has nothing to do with anyone. I don't believe any couple has sex everyday or even 5x a week constantly (if they have been together for years). Honeymoon period, believable. I tried explaining to my bf that it has nothing to do with him, and he tends to take it all in at the time, but when the situation arises again months later, he comes to the same conclusion as he previously did...that he feels something is wrong with the relationship if we are not having sex. Hope things work themselves out for you. Your not alone. x
Ruby Slippers Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 if i were dating someone and they wanted to have sex with me EVERY time they were with me - i'd feel used. that's the bottom line. if the idea to see you is just to get sex - it sets the tone for a different guideline in the relationship. Now, see, if I were with someone who didn't want to have sex with me every time he was with me, I'd wonder what was wrong. When I am in a relationship, I like to have sex every day, and sometimes more than once a day. I only pick partners I'm very attracted to, so it's natural that I want him often. Just wanted to say that it does not mean I only want him for that. It just means I like to have sex often with my sexy man. I don't really know what to tell you. This is one of the most common disagreements between couples, and it seems that the person not having sex as often as he/she would like is never really satisfied. It's a compatibility issue, and most likely neither one of you is going to change fundamentally. So, you either accept it or you don't.
fral945 Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 OP, I feel most loved when my girlfriend/SO is sexually available and generally willing to have sex when I want, even if she might not need it as much. It is especially frustrating at the beginning of a relationship because you know sexual frequency generally doesn't increase as time goes on. I don't feel as loved by non-sexual gestures, and I think most guys would tell you the same. Obviously for most women and yourself that isn't the case, but remember, we are men, and we have different wants and needs, and different degrees of needs. Sex is a major need for most normal, healthy men.
Author MarieD Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 Raiz - Thanks for your reply. I'm glad to know that I am not alone! My wanting to have sex has nothing to do with how much i love my boyfriend. If we don't do it for a week or if we do it everyday for a week, i still love him the same amount. I am sometimes not in the mood or tired. Ruby - I can't see why not having sex everyday means that you dont love the person as much?? It has nothing to do with that. Some people just don't have the erge to do it every single day. You seem to have a very high sex drive, unlike me & some others. I guess it is something we have to accept or not. FRA - You should feel loved by ur GF no matter if u have alot of sex or not! I guess u r right, a man will be a man, right. I just hope it doesn't become a problem for us. Time will tell Thanks for your replies! I really appreciate it!
Ruby Slippers Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Ruby - I can't see why not having sex everyday means that you dont love the person as much?? It has nothing to do with that. Some people just don't have the erge to do it every single day. You seem to have a very high sex drive, unlike me & some others. I guess it is something we have to accept or not. I didn't say it doesn't mean you don't love them as much -- of course not. I said it's a difference in sex drives. Being totally honest, I have to say I don't think prospects are good long term when one person's sex drive outpaces the other's. Maybe you can compromise for a while, but eventually one of you is going to get tired of it -- usually the one who feels undersexed.
Vertex Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 One alternative, if you are willing to pursue it so you don't have the "undersexed resentment" issue going on here, is to try to change your sex life around a bit so you look forward to it more. That is, try to find things that would give you incentive to want to have sex more often (if there's something sexual you really enjoy that would perhaps help you DESTRESS, as opposed to being "too tired and stressed" to have sex). Perhaps work with your boyfriend and try to see if there's anything that can be done to boost up your sex drive vis-a-vis certain activities or new directions. The idea is to align sex with both of your needs in a way that results in a compromise in the form of the sexual activity, but at a frequency you can both be happy with.
manugeorge Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Someone mentioned that men generally equate love with sex and I think this is true. Especially in a relationship, their ego is fed when their girlfriend/woman is all up on their junk (literally:confused:). Yours is not the only relationship with mismatched sex drives. You need a good compromise/balance. What I do, just to make my BF feel good about himself is go along with it 90% of the time. It's not like the sex is bad when we actually have it but like most women, it takes us a lot longer to get riled up. So I go along with it until my body starts to respond, which it eventually does. I get an orgasm, he's happy and life is good. The compromise is I try my best not to say no and he is cognizant of when he initiates, e.g., not while I'm dog tired and sleepy. I know you may not want it all the time but sometimes you really just have to make yourself do it.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 One alternative, if you are willing to pursue it so you don't have the "undersexed resentment" issue going on here, is to try to change your sex life around a bit so you look forward to it more. Yeah, I was thinking that, too. Incorporate more of the stuff YOU like in bed, so that overall you're having sex more often. He'll probably be more than happy to go along with whatever you want. You know, maybe you want a full body nekkid rubdown from him, and that'll get you worked up and ready to go. Maybe you want more making out and kissing. Taking a shower together, bubble bath, whatever. Even though I have a high drive, I still had to get my ex to work with me on having more touchy-feely-massagey-full body sex sometimes. I like a lot of variety and dynamics, and he was more typically male and straightforward about it. Sometimes he was very generous in delivering the experience I wanted; sometimes I made it more about his preferences; and sometimes there were no boundaries or considerations other than maximum pleasure. Mmmmm.
fral945 Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 What I do, just to make my BF feel good about himself is go along with it 90% of the time. It's not like the sex is bad when we actually have it but like most women, it takes us a lot longer to get riled up. So I go along with it until my body starts to respond, which it eventually does. I get an orgasm, he's happy and life is good. The compromise is I try my best not to say no and he is cognizant of when he initiates, e.g., not while I'm dog tired and sleepy. Manugeorge, If you're ever single again call me. If all women (and men) had your attitude with respect to this I'd say 90% of sexual compatibility problems would be solved. OP, this seems to be a pretty good solution. Is sex really such a chore that you couldn't even just lay there and allow your man a few minutes of pleasure? You might even get something out of it yourself.
redfathom Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 My hubby and I had a similar issue this weekend. It was the first time in a while that we have had a weekend off together but it was also a very busy week for me, so I was tired. I also get migraines and I have GERD, both of these things get worse throughout the day so at night I am tired and I don't feel well. He is a nighttime sex person where I am a morning/daytime sex person. So he got shot down twice in a row (two nights). The next day, afternoon time, I wanted sex and he said no because I refused him. WTF!! He told me it was hard for him to get excited when I dissed him. It's not like I told him I was tired, I literally well asleep while he was talking to me, more then once. I mean one night it was 2:30 AM and I had been up since 5:30 AM. So I replied, "Well, I guess no matter how tired I am, no matter how sick I feel, I wil just have to give it up." He got pretty mad at this (yes it was a low blow), but that was how he made me feel. We made up a few minutes later and talked it through then we had make up sex 5 minutes after that. HAHA!! I think what helped him to change his mind is that I told him I was horny and masterbated the day before because we couldn't do it before that. So I understand how you feel, it's hard to always be expected to be up to it just because they are.
Recommended Posts